My husbands father died about a year and a half ago. He has spent a lot of time back in his country of origin and reconnected with old friends and an old girlfriend. We have been together for 15 years and married for 12. I trusted and believed in our love so much that I did not worry about him and I spending time apart. I was naive. He has mostly been a surfer and stands to inherit a lot of money in the next 2 years from his fathers estate. This has made him like a rock star among his old peers. But he has remained the same to my children and i, Dad, husband, provider. He has chosen this new life over us and i am ina a state of shock and disbelief. I begged to do anything to make himstay. He refused.... I am heartbroken and want to be able to work things out because i love him and our family. He does not want to...... My kids 4 and 7 are devastated and I am 7 months pregnant and heartbroken. Are all in therapy. I just feel like he has been abducted by aliens and am shocked that he no longer loves me, appears to hate me and would choose anything over our family vand idyllic beach life. I want to heal but can only cling to the fantasy of him coming back, repenting and begging to make things whole again.....

Welcome to MB and I'm sorry for your pain that has brought you here.

Is this OW married?

Have you snooped to find out what is really going on?

Yes, she is married but separated from the father of her 2 children who is in jail. My husband and her were boyfriend and girlfriend for 5 minutes as teenagers. Her an her friends are notorious for sleeping around with each other and breaking up marriages which is kind of acceptable in Peru. He has been there for their summertime and she told her husband that they are in love. It's like he went back to his teenage life. He is choosing that over his kids and I. His life down there is new and exciting and he is revered by everyone for having lived and surfed in Here for 15 years and for the money he stands to inherit from his dads company. When I talk to him, he cannot look at me and acts like a totally different person. He thought he would stay living with me and the kids until the baby was born and I would want to be his friend. I kicked him out and want nothing to do with him Asa friend. But wish he wanted to be married and would end the affair. It took us 2 weeks to work out visitation with the kids. He saw them twice and has now returned to Peru. My 7 year old daughter cries herself to sleep every night.

moonrise, I'm really sorry for what has brought you here. Please take care of yourself and your unborn child. Do you have plans in place for when the baby comes?

As far as your WH is concerned, I'm sure the vets will be along shortly to help you out. Have you read the Start here thread on the top of the forum? Your first step would be to gather as much evidence as possible and expose his affair.

Plan A is still your best first step, (which includes exposure to your family and friends, as well as his and OW's), BUT being pregnant it needs to be a Plan A that is very short, and extremely gentle on your health.

So while you learn about the plans and work on them, keep in mind that you and Baby are #1 on all the priority lists, with the other little sweeties running close behind.

Read up on Plan A and Plan B, so you know what your strategy is going to be.

Please follow the good advice you get here. Like Neak said your priority should be your unborn child and your health. Learn the Plan A and B. Before you take action on anything. Good luck in your fight and I am sorry you are in this position.

It is, thank you. I immediately exposed the affair even before coming to this site. He is not interested in plan A so I am on plan B. he has returned to Peru for the moment and sounds to be beginning to feel some remorse. But aim unsure of what will happen with the OW or us. I am focused on my kids and very happy for the baby I am going to have I just obsess a lot about himcoming back and hope to move beyond this soon.....

Welcome to MB, Moonrise. I'm sorry but it seems that you came here on a very quiet weekend and got very few responses to your post.

You are doing the right thing to be in Plan B since your H has left you and you are pregnant. You should not put your health at risk by being in Plan A and being badly treated by your H as he continues his affair and new life in another country.

However, you say he "sounds to be beginning to feel some remorse", but you should not be aware of this if you are doing a proper Plan B.

The purpose of Plan B is for you to protect yourself from knowledge about his cruel affair and from direct and indirect interaction with him. The only thing you should be doing in Plan B is getting on with your life until and unless you hear from an intermediary that he has ended his affair, has no contact with OW and wants to come home.

So to be doing Plan B properly you should have a friend who passes on only urgent messages between you, such as financial matters. You do not update him about the children and you do not hear his updates about life in Peru. Is this what is happening, or are you in direct email or phone contact with him? Who is your intermediary, if you have one? What arrangements have you made for financial support? He is liable for maintenance for you and your children, and the rent or mortgage and bills. If he has come into money then you should be quite comfortably provided for.

I suggest you get a lawyer to establish your rights to financial support and to find out whether you or the children are entitled to any of the inheritance.

Is he a US national? If you divorce him will he be able to go back to the USA?

If he does not show signs of turning around soon you should divorce him and get on with your life. Leaving you and travelling to a country on a different continent is a pretty clear signal that he is finished with your marriage. Don't waste you energy trying to attract him back if he does not come back easily (which he shows no signs of doing).

Please come back and be sure to answer my questions.

Plan B has some very specific attitudes you must assume.

*link* How to Plan B correctly

Moonrise, I'm so sorry for the pain that has brought you to this forum. Marriage Builders has a plan of recovery if you follow it carefully. Either your marriage will recover or YOU will recover.

Marriage Builders is not about marriage at all costs.

Pepperband sent you a link to Plan B. Please read it carefully. Plan B is not to bring back your husband. Plan B is to protect YOU. It will help keep you sane and emotionally healthy. Keeping in contact with an unrepentant wayward husband is bad for your health. Competing with the OW will also make you unattractive to your husband.

Waywards can be terribly cruel and irresponsible. We often describe them as aliens, because they appear to be so different from the person we fell in love with.

Are you with family? Do you have close friends you can rely on?

Here's part of a reply from Dr. Harley in response to a letter from a woman whose husband was committing adultery:

"The first step is to be the very best wife you can possibly be. Do everything you can to meet his needs, and don't do anything to upset him. Set a period of time that you think you can do this without getting too upset, say, six months. (my note: in your case, being pregnant, please consider moving into Plan B as quickly as you possibly can, in order to protect your health. Also, Dr. Harley has revised this to no more than three weeks for a woman) Once in a while, tell him that you think both of you need a fresh start somewhere else.

"If he does not respond to your kindness and respectful suggestions within that period of time you're ready for the second step: pack up yourself and your children and move near your family and friends for their support. It should be far away from his lover -- another city or even another state. Have absolutely nothing to do with him. Don't talk to him, don't see him.

"If you are forced to say something to him, tell him that you love him and hope he can free himself from the addiction of his affair. Let him know that the only way you will consider restoring your relationship with him, is for him to quit his job and move to where you are. From there you will start life over again. Be certain that your words and tone of voice communicate your care for him, not your anger.

"Your husband is not likely to follow you right away after you've given him his ultimatum. He will try to develop a relationship with his lover first. But in the vast majority of cases, it doesn't work out because he needs both you and she. She meets some of his needs and you meet others. He will discover how much he misses you when he is with her.

"In the event that he stays with his lover and he does not come back to you, you avoid untold sorrow trying to reach a man who is in love with another woman. As you wait for his decision, it is very important to surround yourself with your family and friends as you go through this crisis. In the end, if he chooses his lover, the experience will be much harder on him than on you. [b][/b]"
Here

Please tell your doctor what you are going through and see if he has any suggestions. Many betrayed spouses go on ADs to help them get through the first few weeks and months--it really helps steady the emotions so you can make better decisions.

Yes, he is like an alien. My father is our go between. But my husband has left messages on the answering machine for the kids. We are involved in a TRO, so, I really don't have any contact with him other than picking up the kids in a public space as ordered by the judge. He wants to be able to speak with me and not through my dad but I don't think that is a good idea. He has agreed to pay me a small sum of money per month and after meeting with lawyers my father and I decided it would be best to wait until he receives his inheritance to finalize the financial agreement between us.
Now that he has called from Peru (he is supposedly there for 2 weeks but I don't believe this) he sounds hostile again. The kids don't want to speak with him on the phone and I won't make them.
I think I am waking up a little to the cruelty of what he has done to me and feeling less inclined toward reconciling. I have a beautiful life, friends and children. It is hard to let go of the idea I had of us. And he truly has become a different man since his fathers passing. A dangerous and cruel man who has tried to humiliate me as a woman through this unspeakable act. The whole time he has gone back there has been under the guise of building a better life for us here. Instead he chose to make a new one for himself there. I really don't think I can forgive him for choosing to love and be intimate with another woman. He is a weak and confused man. I have a much better life without him. Of course, I may be crying in agony for the loss of his love and our family an hour from now. But I am enjoying this moment of streingth and being able to let go......

Always keep this in your mind. Don't think of him as your husband as he was when you were in love with him. Waywards are terribly cruel. Make sure there is no way he can contact you directly.


Communicating with him, in fact, even hearing about him beyond what you absolutely have to, is bad for your recovery. Get your IM, your father, to only give you the relevant facts about pickups and dropoffs of the children, pertinent financial arrangements, but no other news. Goes for the rest of your family, too. Is your father able to perform well as your IM? Sometimes, close friends or family members are far too emotional about the A to be involved this way.


Do you live in a place where child support and spousal support are supported? If so, get this started as soon as possible. I'm not a lawyer, but you may have to file for divorce to get this started. Get as much as you legally can.


Good! An affair is an attack on the children, too.


You are going to be on a roller coaster of emotions until after you are in Plan B for a while. Be sure to take good care of yourself.

Thank you so much!