Hello all. Frequent reader, first time poster. I have been searching high and low for a MB friendly counselor in Dallas-Ft. Worth (DFW). I have been on as caller with the Harleys a few weeks ago (W was not on the call, just email). I am following Dr. Harleys advice of seeking a 3rd party therapist if my BS from the article "How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love to Your Marriage" It stated "if you cannot follow your own program as evidenced by your failure to complete assignments, then I suggest that you find a therapist who can help motivate you to achieve these goals you have set for yourselves." We literally just left the counselors office and I'm not so sure the therapist is on board with strictly following MB principles. The therapist stated that we could bring our tasks into the sessions but she seemed to want to supplement the MB principles with some of her own. She also suggested Al-Anon to wife to deal with pornography issues that I have dealt with in the past (I quit cold turkey months ago). I remember the Harleys stating on a call with another couple that most programs such as Al-Anon draw couples apart as opposed to together. Anyway�like many others I have suggested and promoted the online MB program and coaching by phone to no avail. So face to face it is�
On last week Dr. Harley requested that my wife complete an LBQ and return to him. I forwarded his email message to her and she has yet to do so. Reluctant..to say the least.

A little about us Me:FWH, Married 12 years, 3 children DS age 5, DD age 1, DS 18 which is BW's step son.
3 PA�s with 3 OW�s in 2003, 2 online flings in 2012 � not really EA�s
D-Day 1/25/2013

DNT, try calling around to Baptist churches in your area. They often have counseling centers that use Marriage Builders. My H and I were introduced to MB by a therapist at our local Baptist church.

What are the current issues in your marriage? What is your wife reluctant to do?

Hi MelodyLane! Thanks for your response. I will try that route. I take it that you are not in the same area as we are.
My W is in withdrawal. Understandably so, having recently disclosed the PA�s and almost EA�s. We were on the decline well before my disclosure. But, she will not read SAA with me. We struggled with finally getting through LB. She did so reluctantly and we didn�t get into the chapters on how to begin restoring romantic love. She certainly isn�t interested in getting into HNHN. She says she needs �NOTHING�. She told the counselor today that she doesn�t believe things can get better. You know�classical withdrawn statements. I am beginning to withdraw to protect myself. The relationship is in park and with the emergency brake on and only my W can release the handle in order for us to move forward.

How recently did you tell her about the affairs? And did you cut off contact with the OW? Has your marriage been affair proofed?

Does she want to stay married? Would she come here and speak to us?

The affairs were disclosed on Jan 25 this year. The PA's were one time occurences so there was no emotional investment and no further contact. All contact has been cut off with the online relationships as well. I have affair proofed our relationship as much as SAA recommends that I do as an the offender.

She has stated that she did not want to stay married. Dr. Harley stated on our call that "she isn't going anywhere". I asked her to work toward reconciliation and that we give an effort in completing the MB process. She hasn't given an enthusiastic "yes!" to my request but as recently as today during counseling she indicated that she wants things to change however she doesn't trust me. All understandable. I think she may possibly be open to posting here. I will certainly ask.

Yes; in withdrawal, your wife feels like she doesn't want her needs met, so she basically doesn't perceive them.


There actually may be a whole lot more you can do than you think. Have you read about Plan A?

Exactly what I was thinking. I thought it was rather odd not to own what has been communicated in times past as obvious emotional needs...ie, love language


Yes I have read about Plan A on the website and in SAA. I've been Plan A'ing for 1 month or so now, but haven't been preparing for Plan B. I began considering that yesterday.

Plan B is only for the betrayed spouse, NOT the wayward spouse. Plan B should NEVER be practiced with a BS.

The purpose of Plan B is to protect a BS from an abusive spouse.

Ah! I figured that was the case when I read about Plan B but wasn't sure. So essentially you are saying I can not leave simply because the BS refuses to participate no matter how long...?

So MelodyLane do you have any suggestions on how to frame the request on getting my wife to post here? Should she simply post in this thread?

What specifically have you been doing for Plan A?

DNT,

Welcome to this amazing site. I am a FWW and betrayed my spouse. I, like you found this site and really wanted him to get on the site and see the amazing information and advice I was given.

You can't however force her to get on and I found the more I pushed the more he resisted, at first.

My H never actually started his own forum but he does get on here at least once a week to check in with the stories and advice. Sometimes in our UA time we will discuss people on here.

What I did was just let him know that I was on here. Sometimes I would tell him something that I learned on here or subtly bring something up and when he asked about it I would say, MB.

I also made it a point to get on the site in front of him to spark his interest.

Your wife is very raw right now and its seems as she feels hopeless. The best thing you can do to get her on board with MB, is to SHOW her that you are practicing the main principals on this site.

Of everything I said I did above to get my H involved; I don't think he really bought into any of it, until he actually saw me applying it in our marriage.

Were you on Dr. Harley's radio show? If so, what day?

If you communicated with Dr. Harley, I would definitely follow up with him and let him know your wife wasn't willing to fill out an LBQ.

I would proceed forward with the assumption that your wife's emotional needs are likely to include conversation, affection, family commitment, and invest lots of time in these. Conversation is just about always key for restoring love to a withdrawn wife. As for affection, a withdrawn wife will usually not be open to symbolic expressions of care (i.e., cards, flowers, kisses), but may be open to more concrete expressions of care (examples: communicating when you are coming home from work, helping with the dishes, etc.) Pepperband has a good post somewhere on this site on good concrete expressions of care that a former wayward husband can focus on.

How much time do the two of you spend together alone?

How does your wife respond when you ask her on a date?

Well she won�t allow me to meet any needs other than domestic support and family commitment so I continue to that. I have always been exceptional at doing so this is nothing new. Sometimes I feel as if I should stop but I know that would be an LB. So basically I just avoid all LB�s to satisify what I can in Plan A.
I was on 2/20/2013
If she doesn�t completed this weekend I will certainly let him know. I think it should have been turned around in 24 hrs, but I dare not demand it. 
Have always done this. I am the primary care taker of the home� consider me the sacrifice in the relationship. That�s part of the reason why we are in this mess. She has been the capitulator.
Not much..maybe 4-5 hrs per week. I know we need a min of 15� 20+ sounds better.
She�s mostly reluctant. We went to the symphony a few weeks ago and enjoyed. Lately she�s stated no one has been available to sit with the kids so we haven�t gone out in a while. I need to find more options for baby sitting but she's not comfortable with just anyone of course.

Thank for that fifteenyears. That sounds like sound advice. I do feel as though she is very raw...sometimes I can sense her going in and out of anger and resentment. I won't force her to do anything from here on out if I can help it. She's become familiar with most of the MB principles upon my talking about it and reading aloud. I know she thinks even that behavoir is cohersive, but I was desperate to plant seeds somehow.

Is this your call?

Radio Clip
Segment #2

Hi BrainHurts - it was the first segment on 2/20. I have my own link to it here. DNT_2_20Call

DNT, How are things?

fifteenyears...things aren't terribly bad from my estimation. We all went to church today and had an enjoyable evening chatting making family time afterwards. There still hasn't been any undivided attention. Couldn't find a sitter to go out (movie) this weekend. She says she likes the therapist that we saw on Friday, so I we'll continue to see her with my suggection that we use MB principles.

Well ladies and gentlemen. Today she left with my two babies and left our oldest at the house. I became violently ill last night and my wife took me to the ER. I had stomach flu. She took good care of my and was very attentive. Then on this morning I noticed a large sum of money transfered from our savings to checking. Then I saw a huge check being cashed against the new big balance. I phoned the bank and even contact police to see if someone had forced my wife to withdraw cash. Nope the 911 operator was able to reach her and verified she knew of the transaction. A few minutes later movers show up at my door expecting to meet my wife at 10am. Remember... I should have been home but fell ill so I'm home the next 2 days. Long story short the wife finally comes back to "talk" and goes on to say she can't take it any more. Tired of being controlled, manipulated, and a gamut of other stuff that has occured throughout our relationship and said we need a break! I forsee a financial disaster as it takes both of our incomes to manage our home. I am missing our babies. I cook dinner for them 5-6 days a week. My oldest is very upset! What a mess.