I think this is your best shot, because it is the most likely thing to motivate your wife. The Harleys don't do "long term" coaching anyway. I doubt it will take that long to get your wife on board. Once you just get her on board, you can do the rest on your own with the help of the forum. Your biggest obstacle is motivating your wife and I think a few sessions might do that for you.

And I think Dr Chalmers would be the best option for you because she is the same gender as your wife.

She has agreed to do it if I set it up. For those who have done this, should I just call them up and request her by name?

FTF--

Just skimmed your sitch here but got enough of it to know that our situations are VERY familiar.

My ex said a lot of the same things (even said she did need or want a man but hasn't gone without one since I left 2 years ago)-did a lot of the same things-had and still has the same toxic friend(s). We ended in d and the reason I chose that route was because when we started working on our marriage after d-day I told her any contact would put us in d. Well you can guess what happened and I followed through with my promise.

NG. hit a home run with me when he told me what are gonna be her consequences if she doesn't follow NC--well I told her and I backed it up!

That was 2 years ago--I have been in plan b since and am rebuilding my new life and am totally ok with it.

We counseled with the harleys for about 5 months--I do recommend going with JC just because from my experience she will probably connect better with your ww than SH---only reason I say this is because if your ww is anything like mine (kinda sounds like it) no male is going to be able to TEACH her anything.

That's great news, FTF, glad to hear that she's open to it!

thanks for the reply IS. I read your thread this weekend along with your WW thread. To be honest it kind of made me paranoid that there was some kind of contact still going on even though I am pretty sure there is not any "real" contact.

What I mean is, I don't think she is contacting him, but she may be still thinking of him in some form. I wonder if she has songs that remind her, or maybe she thinks of her former job often which was associated with the A. It could be lots of things, and I know she wouldn't tell me if nothing else for fear of "hurting me".

My W's A did not die a natural death. It at first ended because I called up the OM and threatened him over the phone. This was after my stupid mistake of believing her when she told me she had ended it herself after D-Day. It ultimately ended because I "made her" leave her job.

I made her write him a NC letter. I had been advised to expose to OMW, but chose to ignore the advice at the time. I went to the post office and had it mailed certified so he had to sign for it. My wife was afraid that OMW would find out because of this, so the every next day she went to work and wrote him a note telling him that the letter was coming. So the NC letter was a sham since she broke it the very next day! This was partially my fault of not exposing of course. (I eventually did expose to OMW)

She had many protests to leaving her job. "We work in different parts of the building and hardly ever see each other". "He is leaving in a few months anyway". "He'll never talk to me again now. (because you called him)"

So I think a big part of the problem is she still thinks he is a "good guy" and it was her that messed things up because she got caught. She is resentful to this day for me making her quit her job. She is resentful to this day for me telling OMW. She is resentful to this day for me not allowing contact with her former "work friends". She doesn't like that I want her to take EP like not having friends of the OS. I don't think she has really in her heart of hearts taken full responsibility for the consequences of the A.

Now mind you she gives lip service to it. She has learned since what to "not say". She chooses her words carefully, but I don't get the sense that there is a whole lot of deep rooted feeling behind it.

This reminds me of a saying that Reagan used regarding the Soviets.

I saw absolutely no remorse in my exww and I knew that others on here told me that wild horses couldn't run off a wayward when they are wanting to reconcile so that just told me she was never serious about fixing our marriage.

Today is living with om3 or 4 not sure what the number is now. My kids have been exposed to all of her om and she will never "get it"! I don't spend an ounce of time or energy on her and don't care what happens to her--just my girls.

As far as the BS your ww spews about resent towards you--IGNORE IT! She obviously doesn't comprehend what she has done yet and hopefully for her own sake she will get out of the fog and look back at her past behaviors with a great deal of regret!

Funny how all waywards become experts at blame shifting--they sure don't take any responsibility for the state of their marriages but are sure quick to blame their spouses.

I haven't read your entire thread, but have you demanded a polygraph? I wish I would've done that!!! Trickle truths suck a$$!

Yea, I don't trust AND I do verify. (Really what Reagan was probably thinking too).

But you can't possibly cover all of the bases. Last March, I caught her secret email account she was using to talk to the "friend" from work that encouraged and actually helped facilitate her A. I only caught it because she messed up and checked it from home. She had been using the computers at the library and going to the mall to use the pay phones.

You think she will make the mistake of using our home computer again? I don't. But I can't hang out at the mall and library every day. So I check what I can and keep my eyes OPEN. And it's why I am very sensitive to any little thing that looks out of place.

Assuming that she's reading your thread, I wouldn't discount anything.

I almost wish I could have more clear cut choices. My W is totally nice to me on an everyday basis. Even if she felt exactly like your WW, she would never say it. She knows better than to voice that kind of stuff. I am left feeling like her actions don't match her words a lot of the time. But it's never anything really way over the line. It's a lot of up to the line and see if I can stick my toe over kind of stuff. It's really frustrating to me.

Did you get a call scheduled with Dr. Chalmers?

Yes, I would ask to get an appointment with Dr Chalmers. Have you spoken to the OMW recently to see if she sees anything on her end?

I'm doing it at lunch today.

I have only spoken to her once when I exposed to her. I got an email from her a few days after that asking me to send her the recording I had made of the call where I confronted her H.

OM was very hard to get evidence on. Unlike my W, he does not text, does not have a FB page, etc. He is very difficult to get any electronic evidence on. That's one of the reasons I recorded the call, because then I had him on audio admitting to the whole thing.

I haven't heard from her since and they have moved out of the area. I hesitate to contact her because she probably doesn't want to ever hear about OW again.

FTF, I highly suspect your WW is still in contact with her AP, or her enablers. Your reveal about the secret email is proof that she took her actions underground. She is being very careful.

Also on her thread I outright told her that the reason she is unwilling is that she is in contact with her AP and she gave no response. No anger, no denial, nothing. I would ask her to stay away from places where she could have unrestricted email access for now as a measure of protection so you can feel safe in the marriage. I'm not an expert so I don't know if the vets would have anything to say on that.

I don't know but when I read both your posts I have an uneasy feeling that she is still wayward.

Regarding the evidence, yes send it to the BW and enlist her help in monitoring communication.

I think I may have misread. Did you send the recording to the BW? I wouldn't hesitate to contact her again if it puts your mind at ease.

I just don't think so. Maybe the enablers, but not the AP. i do a lot of checking up.

I think the reason she doesn't respond is that she just sees it as an attack and it does make her angry. She doesn't want to be told "how bad she is". Just this Friday, she told me it was hard to hear that she was selfish when she does everything for everybody around here. (Meaning the children, ours and the ones she watches)

I let that statement go. Just going to lead to an argument.

Yes, when I spoke with her I told her I had it. A few days later she asked to hear it so I sent it to her.

I spoke with the counceling center. Just FYI, Dr. Chalmers does not do coaching every day like Steve does, so they are going to get back to me with her schedule.