Do I insist she leave?

HELL, NO! That is EXACTLY what she wants - you proving you're a frickin' ogre!

You make a pot of tea (chamomile, maybe?) and ask her if she'd like a cup. You ask her if she needs anything to make her stay in the utility room more comfortable. Does she have a favorite song? Play it LOUDLY! Sing, if you have a good voice! When the children come home, tell them where Mommy-skank (Sorry!) is, but don't explain anything. Let them ask her what's going on.

YOU PROCEED WITH THE EXPOSURE!!!!

Exposure accomplished. Her friends know. Her parents know. Our children know.

No ogres here. I offered her lunch.

Her friends know. Her parents know. Our children know.

Quit being coy/cute!

Did you pull her plates? Did you isolate her from your assets? Did you get the recorder?

What about his BUSINESS contacts, etc? You want to ruin his life, entirely, reducing him to penury and desolation. You want every person who ever shook his hand in friendship/commerce to consider getting a tetanus shot! You want to put up a billboard, saying "Farmer Dave not only plows fields, he plows other men's wives, as well!"

Did you read this? Did you document it?

NG. I'm not being cute!

I have her keys. I sent direct messages to his FB contacts and business associates.

I don't understand the stress on documentation though. I live in a no-fault state. My lawyer said that the courts don't care except in extreme circumstances like physical abuse. Which there isn't any of.

It MATTERS FOR CUSTODY! Also your not done what about POSOM side you expose there as well?

What matters more to me right now is that I don't have control of this situation and she is out of control but doesn't see that.

She insists that she's capable of caring for the boys, but I don't trust her. My mere presence seems to aggravate her. In 30 minutes I have to go get the boys and she intends to accompany me.

How do I protect the boys emotionally from the tension between their parents?

She's declared that there will be me peace between us until the divorce is finalized.

When you pick up the boys tell them that their mother has decided to get a divorce so she can have affair with OM. Tell your wife she can leave if she wants to separate. You will allow her to see the boys but will not permit them to be with OM. Also advise her that there will not be any peace; you will not be her "friend" or speak to her if this goes to divorce. It is real important that you make this very clear because she believes you will cooperate ith her plan to replace you. You must give her second thoughts.

And DO NOT leave your home.

Document everything because even in no fault states they take adultery into account when deciding custody.

Please do exactly as I said. And contact a good lawyer who will fight for you.

"Amicable" is a cute and winsome myth concocted by lazy court bureaucrats in an attempt to get divorcing spouses to make their job easier. There is nothing virtuous about being amicable when you and your children's family is under assault. That is like cooperating with terrorists when they have pledged to destroy you.

You want to do what is best for your boys? Then fight for your marriage instead of surrendering your boys to theOM.

This is addressed in the document thread that was linked so I guess that means you didn't look at it. It is only a few pages so I would encourage you to read through it.

She wants you to be peaceful while she and OM declare WAR on you and your boys. Please be quiet and don't object while she replaces you.

Please heed the advice you're given.

Also please read this.
Men Do Not Leave Your Home

She can declare that pigs can fly if she wants. She does NOT control YOU. You need to continue being your best stable self. If she wants to whip herself into a frenzy being a little snot to you that's up to her. Stay calm and in Plan A control (which you have more of than you may think right now).

That statement is an attempt to bully and manipulate you. Don't allow it.

The hope expressed in my initial post was premature. I am scared and hurting right now, and feel torn between fight or flight. While I've learned that she can't control me and that I made a lot of mistakes by letting her do just that in the past, my "best stable self" still rebels at the idea of trying to control her instead.

I can take further steps to control her, but I can see with each step I take in that direction that the stick outweighs the carrot too much in her eyes. It is actively pushing her farther into craziness and verbal abuse toward me. I've been talking to her friends and family and she only gets crazy like this around me.

I have started documenting since yesterday, but preparing for battle seems like yet another stick with no carrot attached. Divorce is looking more and more inevitable (two weeks ago I'd already reconciled myself to that), but I don't see how a fight for full custody will be in the children's best interest. I am a good dad, but I'm not their mom. They deserve to have both of us.

The boys deserve a united family, I know it. We're just a few weeks out from finalizing the divorce, is there any chance of salvaging the family?

If I fight it out in court then we both will end up bankrupt and the boys will lose their home and the outcome will be win-lose for custody with no guarantee of who the loser will be. What's the win-win path here?

You are not trying to control her, you can't. Do what you need for you and your kids. She controls what she does.

Follow the plans here. Really read them.

Not one mentions controlling anyone but yourself.

You want guarantees, I only know one. If you follow the plans, Plan A and B if necessary, really follow them, you will be a better man and be better off mentally and physically for you children.

You don't control her, Plan A or B are not ploys to cause any outcome but what I just said. Understand that.

Thank you for responding, mmmherb. It's just very hard to stay clear headed while these events are actually happening. I started reading SAA after two and a half months of separation, then exposed the affair, but when that prompted her to file for divorce I gave up and stopped reading. As a result, I wasn't prepared sufficiently when she started having second thoughts last week.

You all got the play-by-play from that point.

You are right of course, the boys deserve the best me, regardless of the outcome. I have to stay focused on that.

I'll go back to reading and really absorbing the plans, now. For me. For my boys.

Also, remember you are on a emotional rollercoaster. You need to be clear on what you want and look at the long term not the short term. If you want reconcilation read and educate yourself on Dr. H's policies. If you don't want reconcilation read and educate yourself on Dr. H's policies. Get it? Either way you will come out of this happy because you know you did what you could no matter what. Can't put a price on peace of mind. Good luck and I hope you get the outcome you want.

I went through it, unbelievable despair with no plan, finding a place that had a plan, then unreasonable hope. There is hope, but not guarantees. But, most BS's make the jump to "it's going to work, because I want it to so badly."

Just remember, like I said:

Things you control = what you do
Things you don't control = everything else

If you still think you have some desire to fix things and want that possible chance, really consider Plan B and understand what it is and isn't. If you what too long, the chances become less, not because of anything it will cause her to do, but because soon you won't want too anymore.

It's not about riding it out until the end. It is about keeping some desire as long as possible. Soon, you will lose it.