Hi all,
I've had a bad 3 yrs of marriage. My husband's family(parents,sisters) is against us being together&he goes to any length to please them which includes leaving me&our child time&again, coming back when i plead for long& then its the same cycle again.We have other issues too especially with his anger which makes him very abusive, he is spiritually unsound&has admitted to infedility.He has never been there at times i needed him the most&just gets abusive&leaves when i try communication for a resolution.Doesnt want to try counselling(says has been a counsellor himself!)doesnt want to communicate,is very aloof&distant even with our son.There have been a few good times which are few&far between.His parents',sisters' too dont have happy marriages however they stick it out Maybe thats why H doesnt want divorce but we seem to be living apart more(He with his family&me alone with our child) than together.I'm at a loss to whether just give it up or try even more.I dont understand most of his behaviour and it hurts.Any thoughts,advice or suggestion are welcome.

Welcome to Marriage Builders lev. I'm sorry you needed to find this site.

Take some time and read the concepts of this site.

Start here ---> Basic Concepts

Once you know and understand this site's philosophies you can decide whether or not you'd like to implement them with this man.

WARNING: If your H is abusive (mentally or physically) Dr. Harley recommends separation until the abuser is no longer abusive. If your H is unwilling to fix that issue I'd say you have the answer to your question.

Stick around as you will get plenty of great advice here.

Please use paragraphs in your posts. It is so much easier to read that way.

Is he having an affair? And what does he when he is angry?

What do you mean by "spiritually unsound?"

Well yes i have read through this site.
There's a huge backlog of mistrust&my 'love bank' has sunk.
He gets very violent both verbal&physical even in front of our kid.
He has been prescribed medication for an anger disorder.We have been separated on numerous counts,there's no change in his destructive behaviour.
I found out he was having an affair with an ex college mate who was always chasing him.He was remorseful&says he called it off.
Cant say his remorse translated into mending the fence action with me.

To add,
spiritually unsound in the sense he is a non believer while my faith is in place.

Then you should be separated. That is a good thing. I would not let him get close to you until he goes through an anger management course and gets himself under control. Do you call the police on him when he gets violent? A little time in a jail cell might very therapeutic.

Can you change the locks? I would get the locks changed and then go tell him he can't come back unless and until he goes through an anger management course and demonstrates some self control over a long period of time.

we've been separated for months together.Its just that he is never proactive in sorting things out,theres absolutely no communi cation&to top it all finds a way to shift blame on me saying he was provoked which is so untrue!Doesnt help that help that his family is very interfering;supportive of all that he does.

We are,have been separated,nothing seems to be happening any which way its just a stalemate,a state of limbo&time is flying by.
He isnt willing to do anything about his anger.

Hi Lev, so sorry for your pain.

I am a wife who recently separated from her abusive husband - he refused to get help. Abuse never gets better: it only gets worse. If he is unwilling to stop his abuse/anger, then the only thing you stand to lose is an unhappy marriage and a violent husband - and possibly death or injury at his hands.

Please get some books on abuse, or contact your local battered women's shelter and talk to them. And continue to reach out for support, like you're doing now: it all helps! If nothing else, keep a (secret) journal of your thoughts and the incidents that occur. This will give you clarity as you seek to understand what is really going on over time. Abuse is crazy-making and it's hard to see what's happening. I found that writing down interactions word-for-word helped me the most...sounds tedious but was enlightening on what the "real" problem was, and that it wasn't getting better.

It was a difficult decision for me: I wanted my marriage to work so badly! But I can only control myself, not my H. And the children and I are much happier and at peace, now that we are safe.

You're getting great advice here - there are lots of smart, caring people ready to help you!

...I hope he decides to do the work necessary to become worthy of you and your children. (((Lev)))

Hi all,
I've been married for 3 years&its been a rocky ride.I've read through this site.
Got to know husband was cheating on me when i was expecting our child. Boy,did that hurt!!
I had my suspicions as his phone was engaged whenever i called but he always brushed it off quoting official reasons.
The worst part was that he was foolish enough to trust her with his passwords&one fine day i get offline messages from my husband's ID detailing what was happening.This continued.
A little bit of digging around revealed it was the other woman that was upto this as she wanted me to quit our marriage&for H to marry her.She obviously didnt realize that she would be identified otherwise i'm sure she wouldnt have risked airing it hidind behind fake IDs..
A nasty confrontation with H made him accept&that he regretted it saying he'd slipped&she'd trapped him,that she had been chasing him right from his college days.He swore off contact with her.
The next blow was around the same time when i read a few of his texts when he left his phone unlocked.
H&a professor 15 years or more his senior from his college
seemed to be on very intimate terms.This woman is unmarried like the earlier one.H promptly deleted her texts,accused me of snooping&that there was nothing to what i was hyping it to be.He said she was only his mentor!!!I cant imagine any usual mentor&student exchanging such texts.
H&i have a host of other issues.We are separated time&again.He takes our marriage for granted.
I would really like to exchange words with both these women also who have no basic integrity or ethics.How do i go about this?We dont have common aquaintances or friends.This professor has her loyal group who swear on her 'virtue'Her texts were deleted by H.
The 2nd woman in the picture is overseas&actually flies down! for her flings with H!!
While i have talked it through with people,i wonder if its having the desired effect of cutting these 2 women out.
These 2 women remain unaware as far as i know about me knowing about them unless H has told them.
H is very particular about his 'space' &guards all his communication which puts me on high alert.Communication,reasoning etc between us are null&void.
What do i do?

I'm so sorry for the pain that has brought you here.

Do you have children?

Have you read through the following threads? Start Here

Welcome to MB and sorry for your pain.

Can you afford a PI?

Can you put spyware on his phone? Keylogger on his computer?

You have the evidence from OW1, correct? Not with OW2 (the professor)?

Have you exposed any of this?

How long have you been M? Any children?

Have you read this?
Start Here First-Welcome Aboard

lev

You have fond the right place to get the help you need. First of all, please get the book, Surviving An Affair. This will open your eyes a lot. Second, there is a specific program here at MB that will work if followed. If your desire is to restore/renew your marriage (M) then it will help you do that. If you end up not being able to do that, then thats ok too.

You have been betrayed, plain and simple. What you do from here is totally up to you. There will be a specific set of tasks for you in the beginning. This involves gathering evidence of the affairs and then nuclear exposure. please read about those 2 things while you are waiting for your book (SAA). The links already posted for you above will get you started.

Time is of the essecnce when doing these first few things as well as secrecy. If your husband (H) knows you are doing these things, it will drive his affairs further underground making it difficult to proove them.

Also, being new here you might have the tendency to think that exposure will make things worse. Let me tell you that IT WILL. It will make them worse for your husband and the hoe's that he's with to continue their escapades. His anger will flare and thats actually a good thing.

I'm sorry that you have found your way here under these circumstances. Good luck and hold on for a very wild and crazy ride. The emotional rollercoaster that you are on will seem, at times, unbearable. We're all here to give you encouragement to push forward to regain health, safety and life in your marriage.

hi,
I cant afford a PI.
Though he guards his phone i can try the spyware bit.Computer that he uses for this,i suspect is his office one.
Do the offlines sent by OW1 qualify as proof?No proof against the professor.Didnt think when i confronted him with her texts.
H&I have a son.

Threads merged.

Are you currently separated?

hi,
Yes we are separated yet again, he just keeps packing up to go live with his parennts.

So how will you be able to put spyware on his phone and computer?

Beats me!
Dont know how to go about it?!
Either way it seems like a one way effort to save the marriage

And he's still involved with the professor, correct? But you don't have the evidence to expose her?

Need to get the evidence to expose both OW and expose at their university.

There's no way to get the funds for a PI?