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Originally Posted by DaisyTheCat2
[quote=markosWhen you click on someone's name on one of their posts and access the "View posts" link, there is a link on their posts page to "topics created." (It's kind of in the upper left-hand corner.) It's usually helpful in finding someone's "official" thread, although thread moves and merges, and people starting dozens of threads, can make it difficult.

Yes. It is. And if you click on CWMI's name, you get pages of pages of posts without any of them appearing to be her thread (like I mentioned above). I remembered it as "duped" and, as she said above, it was closed out awhile ago. [/quote]

Did you click "topics created"? I get only 27 topics created from her. For me that's all one page, but I changed my settings two years ago to show more topics per page, so I'm not sure what the defaults are like. smile

I've been known to dig way deep into histories looking for things sometimes, so if that 27 topics is 3 pages it might seem like a "lot" to you but wouldn't to me. smile


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Here it is. smile
Duped


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I believe Markos was trying to say that the messenger with the bad news that no one wants to listen to is the person, in this case you, trying to tell someone something they don't want to hear, the people you are attempting to help by advising them to steer clear of their possibly too-close relationship. Those are the people who don't want any help and get mad at the messenger.

There are people in charge in the military that do care about such morale-killers as infidelity. Granted, probably not very many of them, but they do exist.

Would you consider going to your chaplain about the problem and ask the chaplain to speak to the person in charge of your office? On a small base, the chaplain often has insight to the mind of the people in charge. Even on larger bases, there are commands who care about adultery in their ranks because of the terrible drain on morale it can become.


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Dr. Harley actually has some contacts in the military who do care about eliminating the infidelity problem. It might be worth sending him and Joyce an email and asking if they can recommend anyone to talk to.

I think it is reprehensible that the U.S. military would give you trouble for reporting infidelity, when they supposedly stand against it!


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
How did you tell the coworker to stop fooling around?

I told her that I�d just come from another office where a group of ladies were gossiping about her seeing another guy even though she was still married. I told her I understand it�s a year waiting process for divorce in this state, but she hadn�t even filed yet and if word got back to her husband (who left her for another woman) he could turn on her and she could easily lose all the military wife benefits she�d earned.

I tried not to come at it from the moral aspect, because I know what it�s like for your husband to fancy other women and I understand how enticing that ego boost is (now a nice man actually wants YOU).

We�d been off-duty friends for awhile so I was really surprised she reacted as angrily as she did. I lost several friends because of this, and since she was my bosses �right hand man,� her badmouthing cost me my job and high standing in the unit.

Originally Posted by BrainHurts
How about email the Harleys on the radio show?
You don't want to put your job in jeopardy, but that BH needs to be told.
You could do it anonymous, but that's usually advised against.
Can you go to a chaplain or someone in command who would support you?

I hadn�t thought of the Harleys or talking to a chaplain. Thanks for the suggestions.

Last edited by DaisyTheCat2; 05/10/12 10:12 AM.

"If you will stop feeding your feelings, then they will stop controlling you" -Joyce Meyer
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Originally Posted by markos
I think it is reprehensible that the U.S. military would give you trouble for reporting infidelity, when they supposedly stand against it!

Having traveled quite a bit in my military career, I can tell you the # of guys I�ve travelled with who DON�T cheat is far less than the # of guys who DO. That may not be true of all career fields, though.

In this case, I feel like something is wrong with me for having a problem with their relationship, when I know �everybody does it� and I�m the only �goody two shoes� who cares. If I could just sear that part of my personality, and stop caring what others do, life would be so much easier.


"If you will stop feeding your feelings, then they will stop controlling you" -Joyce Meyer
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Originally Posted by DaisyTheCat2
In this case, I feel like something is wrong with me for having a problem with their relationship, when I know �everybody does it� and I�m the only �goody two shoes� who cares. If I could just sear that part of my personality, and stop caring what others do, life would be so much easier.

Nothing is wrong with you just society. Why would you want to lower yourself? We need more MB warriors.

You know the devastation infidelity has on everyone first hand. So why not stay and fight the good fight?

Doing the right thing isn't always the popular thing to do, my friend.


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Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by DaisyTheCat2
I can tell you the # of guys I�ve travelled with who DON�T cheat is far less than the # of guys who DO.


Not only do I believe you, but we also see here all the time how it is predictable across different careers. And if it isn't the husband away who's cheating, it's the wife at home who is.

Common enough to occur across different nations and cultures...


Now, I'll say something that won't be popular; the problem isn't the cheating, the problem is believing that marriages will both survive and/or be safe from infidelity with constant separation.

What's changed about society, is we try to force the belief that it should be "OK" for a married couple to be separated like that.


It's not.


It doesn't work.


The successes under circumstances of travel careers are the exception and not the rule.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Originally Posted by CWMI
All my threads are dead, and we are doing great!

This actually shines through in the way you post to others, believe it or not!


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Originally Posted by HoldHerHand
And if it isn't the husband away who's cheating, it's the wife at home who is.

You are right about that!! I feel so bad for the troops who marry these clingy women and then have issues when they deploy.

The guys get on me about my "waiting for sex to committment" attitude, but my stance is: I'm in a job where I will be gone 6 months at a time on occasion. I need confidence that my man can contain himself while I'm gone.


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You should consider "playing blissfully dumb."

"Coworker, I was so happy yesterday when you said that you were realizing that things with <Dude> had gone to far. You see, my ex had an emotional affair and sent me a dear-john letter when I was in the middle of MY 6 month military trip, so I know first hand how devastating the effects of one can be. I am so proud of you for realizing that no man shows up to a t-ball game of someone he has no further interest in...and that you are strong enough to shut him off so you can protect your family and those adorable kids of yours. "

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An interesting turn... I found out I will be deploying to the same loc as her husband. I made a comment about how glad I was that she cut the other guy off because you know I can�t keep a straight face about stuff that isn�t right and her hubby would know right away if I saw something I shouldn�t have. I told her if any future guys try to put her in such an awkward position, and she needs an excuse to keep them away, she can blame her lame coworker who has no ability to prevent blurting something that even looked inappropriate out to her hubby when she sees him.

So, I�m expecting I will see no more displays of affection or possible emotional affairs. I�m sure they�ll happen, just not in my sight.


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Ooooh, Daisy! That's gooood.

What did she say?



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Elizabeth Bowen

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She said nothing.


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I meant to say: She said nothing. She just smiled, looked down and got back to work on her computer.


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Well I think you handled it wisely.


"When you love someone, all your saved up wishes start coming out."
Elizabeth Bowen

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Months after I posted to you, she got involved in another affair, this one way more visible than the first. She actually had a couple of �emotional affairs� between then but I think the guys wanted more and quickly moved on when they realized she wasn�t quite divorced yet. It got to the point where MANY people on staff noticed the intimacy of their relationship and someone complained at a high level which caused an investigation.

See, everyone knows that affairs are rampant in the military, but you're supposed to keep them quiet and she didn�t keep it quiet. Her affair partner was warned to stay away from her or, at the very least, keep the affair quiet, but he did not head the advice of his mentors.

So, end of Oct he was �fired� (in the military, that means moved to another, lesser quality, job) and an investigation ensured. In the Dec the investigation concluded that she had displayed weakness of character (though the person who told me this did not say �affair�) and the highest part of her security clearance was revoked.

Fast forward to last week� I am deployed, and her husband just arrived home from his deployment. My friends say this man came home to an empty house and a cleaned out bank account along with empty promises that she �wants to work on the marriage� even though she won�t see him.

My friends asked me to talk to him and explain to him how she had several affairs and is just stringing him along. At first I was hesitant to do this, but they said he�s moping about being so in love with her and continuing to allow her access to his account even though she keeps siphoning money out. This made my blood burn (considering my past history) so I called him up

I explaining how my ex sent me 9.5 page dear john letter during one of my military trips and how I came home to the house sold and most of my stuff thrown out. I explained how I�m stuck in year 5 (of projected 8) scrimping and saving trying to pay off 6 figure divorce debt that I should never have taken on (because it was his, not mine) to be peaceable to this man I loved so much.

And then I explained EVERYTHING I had seen his wife do. I felt like such a heel, but at the same time I felt like he needed to pull his head out of this �I love her� land and realize how she had been playing him for the past year until she could get enough money together and a new man to take his place.

He was shocked. He couldn�t believe what I was saying. So I had a friend email him proof.

And that hit home.

He has since taken action to protect himself, and hopefully will stop her from doing any further damage to his life. I told him he deserves better, and that I hope in a few years he will look up and see a woman who will value him for the great guy he is.

I still feel bad about being so very honest with him. I probably could have been more tactful. I think I was just mad at her because I had LISTENED to her say they were getting a divorce when he never said that. And plus she was part of the fire-storm that cost me my previous job. And finally, she spread nasty rumors about what �services� I would provide to our leadership in order to get promoted so I was probably feeling a little vindictive.

Even so, I feel like it was better to have been tactless and angry than to say nothing at all.

Thanks gang for your advice.




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I just got a message from the husband in the situation. He wants to talk more. I'm actually hesitant now. I don't feel like I have any more of value to say to him, and I don't want to become his new "confidant" because that, itself, could cloud his judgement (and, frankly, I don't want to be involved with these people). At the same time, I do care, so I don't want to tell him no unnecessarily.

He tried to friend me on facebook, and I gently told him that was not wise until this whole thing was settled.

PS: thanks to the mods for moving this


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Wow, that is just awesome that you did that. And I most certainly would speak to him again. When you expose an affair to a BS, they are in shock. So when they get off the phone, they think of a million questions. They also forget much of what you said and need extensive clarification. There is no reason you shouldn't do that for him.

It is real important when you expose to give the betrayed spouse a follow up phone # and/or email address so they can ask questions. That is the "wise" thing to do.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Wow, that is just awesome that you did that. And I most certainly would speak to him again. When you expose an affair to a BS, they are in shock. So when they get off the phone, they think of a million questions. They also forget much of what you said and need extensive clarification. There is no reason you shouldn't do that for him.

It is real important when you expose to give the betrayed spouse a follow up phone # and/or email address so they can ask questions. That is the "wise" thing to do.
I agree.

He is probably still in shock and needs some more direction.

Did you direct him here?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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