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#2714259 03/22/13 12:47 AM
Joined: Mar 2013
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FB_11 Offline OP
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Joined: Mar 2013
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In advance, thank you for your replies. As so many that write, I'm sure it's nothing new to have a poster at their wits end....or is it?

This year we will celebrate 25 years of marriage. We've had our fair share of counseling, ups and downs. Our marriage counseling started with His Needs Her Needs. The foundation should have been there from the beginning, but it's through experience and practice and putting two messed up people together to figure out how to live together in harmony that proves whether you got the message or not.

In our late 20's, it was very difficult to get my husband to go to counseling. Early on our first counselor, a pastor friend from the next town over, suggested we record ourselves arguing. We have always argued. At first, I thought it was a game but it wasn't a game for my other half, it was down right competition to see who'd win. Well, I'm a horrible debater and worse at it the older we get. Word recall isn't there. In fact, the choleric I married found his victim to be enchanted yet bewildered by her husband's character, which is very abnormal from the family she grew up in. I do not like to argue to be mean, demeaning or anything of that nature. Nor do I like my points thrown in my face against me, which he is the master at.

About 7 years ago, we had a pretty big overhaul in our marriage. My husband was very verbally abusive, negative, and hurting with his demeanor toward myself and our children. He was also jealous of my successes. We received counseling via internet by someone who understands his personality type and for many years it seemed we'd figured it out.

Over the past several years, I've developed more physical problems. I'm in the midst of the change, my back has several herniated discs and I've developed really bad hypoglycemia. At 40, everything changed, I thought I was in good physical condition and found myself for several months on bed rest.

Here's the kicker, my husband has always told me my ailments were in my head. I wish they were, it took an MRI to prove I had 3 herniated discs to show I wasn't making up my pain. I've put on 30 pounds over the past few years. I'm not unattractive, but certainly not as attractive I was and find myself in a catch 22. If I even try to eat/perform as before, adrenal fatigue/hypoglycemia/and the back problems hold me back and understandably so. My husband is equally overweight.

I figure he cycles every 6 months or so. Today, after recording some of our arguing, I went back and looked and sure enough, the last time he cycled, he was telling me how he wanted to be away from me. That statement alone is a very low blow. When I sent him the recording, he did not apologize but changed his attitude. We seemed to do alright until Christmas, then there was another argument I'd found and forgotten about. And then there's these most recent recordings over the past 2 days. Why? I'd had it. In February I started to get depressed, my husband puts me down, tells me I don't do anything, & doesn't appreciate me. He's rejected me as his help mate.

I think right now, things could get better if I'd let the "No apology" slip by...again, but I'm 44 years old and I'm thinking, I deserve an apology. But he isn't sorry. Btw, my husband, this is probably his only fault. I could rave about what a great man he is but this little thing is really a downer.

I also don't think it's fair to our church. He's a pastor. I've told him that I wanted change or I'll expose him. Why would he continue to justify his actions and not open his eyes to see? In fact, he is the master flipper. He's the victim of course and doesn't feel loved/respected. He gets upset over trivial things. I've asked him up front what is his problem? I have hormones that sometimes make me edgy, what is his problem?

Even this evening he wanted to do the love tank deposits and WE will learn how to love each other. I'm thinking. been here done that, it didn't work. I'm asking for an apology for rejecting me as his help mate and to learn how to appreciate/love me rather than continue to beat me down. UGH! I'm not negotiating this!

So I've put it out there that I'm going to be sending these recordings of him the way he talks to me to people in our church. Do I give him a month to find an apology or do I go ahead and expose him? Honestly, I love my life and home and it would ruin everything. I told him not to sleep here tonight, didn't work, so I'm in the living room typing.

FB_11 #2714274 03/22/13 07:22 AM
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 4,294
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FB,

One obvious thing I see is you two need to know how to communicate. Arguing isn't acceptable. My guess is the arguing is laced with all kinds of LoveBusters and you two are tearing your M apart with it.

Have you read Dr. Harley's concepts on POJA and how to have successful negotiations? It sounds like you and your H have mastered the art of bickering and no M can survive that.

POJA

Guidelines for Successful Negotiations

The counselor that suggested you record your arguments is a whack job. That person should have helped you find ground rules for discussing the tough topics that come up in your M. First and foremost your intent in having conversations with your spouse is to care and protect them as well as yourself.




Me: 57 Her: 54
M: 31 years
Kids(DS23, DD20, DS18)
FB_11 #2714283 03/22/13 07:47 AM
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Hi FB11, welcome to Marriage Builders. The most glaring red flag is that you argue with your husband. Arguing is destructive to marriages, as you have discovered. When couples argue, they are soon competing to see who can inflict the most pain on each other. That is sure fire way to kill the love in your marriage!

I would get the book, Lovebusters, and read the first 5 chapters together. You can get this book free if you send an email to the radio show with your problem. They will address your problem on the show.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2714502 03/22/13 07:32 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
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Here until you get the book.
Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders

A Good clip on arguing.
Radio Clip on Arguing

Tell us what you think.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



BrainHurts #2714527 03/22/13 08:06 PM
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I agree with the others; continuing to argue isn't taking your marriage anywhere.

Also; recording the arguments so that you can bring past arguments into the present to "straighten him out" is just as ineffective.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Hi. My ex was a pastor at one point, so I know how the ministry can complicate things.

I echo all the advice given above, especially that step 1 is to stop the arguing. It takes two to argue. Even if he does go off on you, there's nothing that says you have to argue back. He will probably be even madder at you for walking out, but if you calmly say you do not wish to argue with him or talk to him until he calms down and can talk to you respectful tone of voice (something like that) then you are removing his power to berate you.

I think if you find a way to put a stop to this arguing, and start working on the resources listed above you can make great improvements. Plus Plan A. And if you must take it to someone, I suspect a well thought out and non-emotionally worded letter would be more effective.

But remember, the Word doesn't say bless the pastor in front of the whole church. That's the last step. There's also going to trusted elders in the church (or, if he's the only elder in the church then to his bishop... or, if it's an independent church, perhaps someone he respects). But hopefully the above recommendations mean it won't come to that, because I'd be concerned for you that this wouldn't help. It would be a further divide, and people might take his side not yours. Especially if you're both arguing.

I feel like I am rambling so I'm gonna stop now, but I hope some of that was helpful. Hope you come back to read these.

{{{{hugs for FB_11}}}}


"If you will stop feeding your feelings, then they will stop controlling you" -Joyce Meyer

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