Well, it will be long and ugly....

I am originally from Europe and for most of my high school years I was on national junior judo team. At the beginning of my senior year I decided to contact a few universities in the U.S. to see if I could get an athlete scholarship to continue my education. I have always had a thing for America so I was ecstatic to hear that they all were interested in me. I selected my dream collage, graduated with honors, and repaid them with a lot of ippons.

Me - 33
Wife - 32
Married for 3 years

I guess I could say that for us it was love from the first sight. We dated for two years and got married three years ago. Until recently we had a really great marriage. She has been a really great wife.... until she cheated.

A year ago I accepted a very well paying job which requires me to travel to another city every week. I am usually gone for 2 ~ 5 days. I discussed it with my wife and she reluctant agreed. I had a good job before but the idea of accepting a new one was that it was paying almost double. I thought I would work for two years save enough money and start my full time career as an artist. I am an accomplished sami-amatuer painter.

In January my wife run into two of her female friends from high school. She hadn't seen them for years. They all were glad to see each other again and exchanged numbers. The problem is they both are wild girls jumping from one relationship to another. They change guys like gloves.

A few days later, when I was gone, she went with them to some bar they frequent and met some of their friends. Among them was some handsome dude who started hitting on her a bit. My wife is an attractive woman so it wasn't the first time someone was doing it but she admits there was sexual attraction between them. She left after a few hours.

The following week she did the same thing, when I was working at another city, and the guy was there again and started to hit on her a bit more. When she was leaving he asked her for a telephone number but she didn't give him.

Crossing the line....

Two weeks later one of her female friends celebrated job promotion so she invited my wife. Well, my wife usually doesn't drink too much.... a drink or two at most. But that evening she had quite a few. The handsome dude was there too and they ended up having sex at his place.

The following evening she him message on FB that the night before was a terrible mistake and it cannot happen again. He replied that he was really hurt that she felt that way and suggested that perhaps something was missing in her marriage if she decided to do it. She responded that the marriage was fine and that she was utterly disgusted witherself that she could do something like that. The guy if she didn't like the experience. She brushed it off by saying that they both were drunk. A little later he asked again and pressed for more direct answer. Her answer was that considering how drunk they both were it wasn't that bad.

It was a long message exchange and they decided to meet next day for a drink and talk face to face. They did. talked, and he wanted her to go to his place again. She refused. They kissed outside at the parking lot and decided to continue talking some more on FB.

A week later they met again and had an hour long make up session in his car. Kissing and touching but no sex. They were in contact by phone and on FB all the time but it wasn't anything that excessive.

When it is getting really disgusting....

This is the part that my wife is struggling the most. Actually it breaks her completely. A week later they went together to some bar to hung out with his friends. My wife had both, her wedding and engagement ring, off. Like boyfriend and girlfriend. They both got drunk and ended up at his place having sex again.

The next day, after sending him a message that she would never see him again, they had a very lengthy, emotionally charged but civil message exchange. Basically, she told him that she only loves her husband and doesn't want anyone else. She didn't understand how she could all those things she had done and expressed her utter disgust for herself for destroying her marriage.

Apparently that dude has some feeling for her and was hurt. She was tring to get some advice from him how to tell me about it but he couldn't offer anything sensible. At the end she told him that it was last time they were talking and that she doesn't want him to contact her under any circumstances. All that was five weeks ago.

D-day

This week I had to go way for only two days and I told my wife I would be back on Wednesday around noon. Upon my return I was surprised to find my wife at home. She hugged stronger and longer then usually when I asked if everything was O.K. she started uncontrollably crying. When I asked what happen she whispered.... I am whore. I am worthless whore.

To make long story short she told me about everything begging me for forgive her. She showed me all FB messages and gave full access to her phone and everything I saw fully corroborates her story. She cut off the affair 5 weeks ago and never talked to him again. He tried to call her twice but she never answered. She was crying on and off the whole day and fell a sleep around 2 AM.

I couldn't sleep at all and in the morning (around 5 AM) purchased on line an airplane ticket for myself to go to Europe on 29th to visit my family after what happen. I knew that taking a week off at work wouldn't be a problem at all at this time of the year. I printed e-ticket and left it on my desk. I had to go to work for a few hours and whan I was leaving she was still sleeping so I couldn't tell her anything my plan.

When my wife saw the ticket she was pretty certain that I was leaving her. She called her mother and told her about the affair and that I am leaving her. My wife was crying so bad that her mother left her work and came to see her. On her way to our place she called me and I went home. My wife was a real mess. My mother-in-law, being in a total shock, pulled some strings and scheduled an appointment with one of the top psychiatrist in Chicago on the same day which isn't possible under normal circumstances. I drove my wife there and I have to admit there was a huge difference an hour later.

So here I am.... it is almost 6:15 AM and I didn't sleep even one minute. I cannot sleep, I cannot eat. I am not the same person anymore.

Welcome sorry you are here.

First question, and it is important.

What do you want to do?

Not married very long. I see no mention of children.

Recovery is possible, even very likely if you and she follow Dr. Harley's plans.

Notice I didn't say easy. Looks like you wife has very poor boundaries.

Just quickly I would say.

You need to change jobs.
She must disassociate many all her "friends."
Change all the phone numbers.

Many more.

You in for it?

Welcome, Opiel.
Ditto what Herb said. Of course, your travelling job has to end. Today. Travelling jobs are nightmares on marriages, as you have found.

Your wife doesn't need the help of a psychiatrist. She needs to woman up and help you heal from this horrific atrocity she has committed against you. Actions to atone and clean up this mess are what will help her.

Your is a short marriage. It took her no time at all for your wife to give herself permission to cheat on you. You have no children. No one would blame you if you chose to end this marriage with a woman who has shown you that she will cheat on you at her first opportunity.

However, if you wish to recover with her, there are some immediate actions the two of you will need to take:

Quit your travelling job.

Your wife needs to cancel her FB account.

She needs to change her phone number today.

No more nights out with her girlfriends; as a matter of fact, she needs to dump those 'friends' entirely. They are not friends of your marriage, so they have no place in either of your lives.

The chance is very good that you will be reeling and recovering from this disaster for years longer than you've even been married. Recovery is difficult and is not for the weak. Whether or not you choose to undertake this difficult task is up to you, but if you do decide to I would suggest you buy the book Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley, the owner of this site. You can buy the book in the bookstore here, or on Amazon.

Mmmherb & maritalbliss,

Thank you both for your response and since your posts are similar I will answer them in one single post. Let's start with clearing up a few things.

No, we don't have children.

Up to the point when all those things started happening I couldn't ask for a better wife. We never set any boundaries in our relationship because up to now because it wasn't ever necessary.... there was no need for it. We both were responsible, thoughtful, and considerate of one another. Of course, over 5 years of being together, there were a few little incidents on both sides but they were purely innocent and not worth of arguing about.

Like I said above my wife doesn't drink too much even when we are out... she will have a drink or two at most. She doesn't need alcohol to feel good or relax.

She doesn't seem to like to go out on her own. Since we were together she has gone on girls night out about 10 ~ 15 times. Occasionally she will go out with her co-workers to some bar but doesn't stay late. I know those people and whenever I am home I am welcome to go with them.

Because of her look and her personality she gets a lot of attention from men. No surprise here. Apparently, up to this point she was able to handle it very well.... her moral compass was exactly where it should have been.

Now, the hard question.... what do I want to do?

I don't know and I am not ready to decide it right now. One thing is clear - despite what has happened we are still in love with each other. Yes, my wife still loves me and I can see that. She doesn't need me in her life.... she wants me. Financially she doesn't need to lean on me because she has a good, well paying job and she would be fine on her own. Finding some else wouldn't be a problem at all.... she has already proved that.

She hasn't been in contact with her two female friends for about 6 weeks. They tried to call her several times but she ignored their calls every time. She has no intention to meet them again.

She is absolutely willing to close her FB and change her telephone number if I ask her to do it but doesn't feel it is really necessary. She has no desire to contact or see those two female friends or the guy.

However, I strongly disagree with that she doesn't need therapy.... she does. She doesn't understand why she has done all those things. She has never cheated on anyone so why now with so much to lose? It wasn't the first time she felt attracted to someone, it happens to all of us from time to time and there is nothing wrong with it, but why did she decided to cross the line this time. I can see how disgusted she is with herself about what happened.

I will definitively order the book. Of course, any advice is helpful.

Well, not deciding too quickly is probably a good thing.

If you want advice here, it will be of one kind only. That is Dr. Harley and MB. You have already about 5 times told us that you don't think you agree with it.

This place has plans to follow. If you want to follow another plan or your own, there is not much advice about them. We don't know them.

You just told the story about how your wife violated her boundaries twice even when she was "Trying to resist" and yet balk at removing avenues and conduits that would make those things possible again.

Your rationalizations sound like the old joke: "Well, other than that one thing, how did you enjoy the play Mrs. Lincoln?"

Therapy to get "in touch" generally is a bunch of navel gazing that keep a person focused on the problems rather than moving towards change. Change is what is needed, not understanding how not to change and keep it from happening.

If you don't change the environment that allowed this to happen, on both sides, then it can and in my opinion, likely will happen again. She feels like a whore now (her words). In a few years when she is bored and alone, what then?

what do I want to do? I don't know and I am not ready to decide it right now.

Keep that thought. Do your self a favor, and commit to NOT making any life-changing decisions for about six months.

Sadly, she is going to have to schedule a complete set of STD screens for both of you - now and likely in a couple months.

She is going to have to forego going out without you. "Only 12 - 15 times in 3 years? Dude, I've been married almost 40 years and I would doubt Bride has been "out" without me more than 6 time!

You will probably have to consider changing to a non-travelling job.

She should be writing a No-Contact letter, in her hand, giving it to you for review and mailing. to POSOM.

Given the methodology of the situation, she should be writing NCLs to her whore-friends, as well.

You sound like a nice guy. Let me warn you that in terms of enforcing new rules for her behavior, that will have to change!

Sure, it was necessary. You're both humans. Humans are wired for affairs. It is necessary to affair-proof a marriage to ensure that there is no avenue open for an affair. You had no boundaries. Having boundaries is critical to the health of a marriage. It's always been necessary in your marriage, and there would have been no affair had boundaries been firmly in place. You don't wait to get hit by a car to know that it's a good idea to stay out of the road.

I hope you're not blaming the alcohol for your wife's poor choice. I'm concerned that you are laying the blame on their sex act by the fact that she had too much to drink. I fully believe that she had too much to drink in order to give herself permission to behave in a despicable way: "I couldn't help it! It was the mojitos!" No, that doesn't wash. Especially considering that she revisited the scene of the crime (OM) shortly after. Sober.

I also suggest that you not be distracted by her physical appearance. To me this sounds like "She can't help it! She's gorgeous! Men can't help themselves!" No, there are plenty of women of average looks who are eyeballs-deep in affairs because their lack of boundaries communicated to a man that they were willing. Conversely, there are many very attractive women on this site alone, as well as in healthy, protected marriages everywhere, who are never approached for sex from strange men. Their boundaries protect them. Lack of boundaries + opportunity. Those are the two things that are common in affairs. Not looks. So please don't factor in her looks.

You are missing the point. She needs to shut dwn her FB and change her number for two reasons: 1. As a measure of respect and commitment to you. 2. She may be sincerely remorseful right now, like an alcoholic who has sincerely sworn off drinking or any other new convert. But leaving those avenues for contact with OM open is like keeping alcohol on the counter in front of an alcoholic. Why would you want to see her in a position of temptation like that? What happens when you're out of town, she's feeling lonely and neglected, and then suddenly OM messages her? Why place either of you in a position of having to deal with that?

Save your money. Your wife has been engaging in independent behavior while you are away. You said yourself that neither of you had boundaries in place to protect your marriage. She had an opportunity and took it. It's pretty simple and doesn't require a shrink. Again, I think the two of you are looking for reasons to blame anything and anyone other than your wife and your lack of protection for your marriage.

You are certainly right to take your time to decide your next steps. FWIW, I think the two of you can recover from this. But both of you need to understand the nature of affairs: how they happen, who is susceptible and how to avoid them. You can do this best by reading the articles here and Surviving an Affair.

I am sorry that you are experiencing this, as did I almost 8 months ago. After reading your situation you must insist that the proper boundaries are put in place to protect your marriage.

YOU must also be willing to behave in the same manner you wish your wife too from now forward. Going out alone is a huge invitation for others to intrude on you and your wife's relationship.

If you think of your marriage of a relationship of extreme care, then you would easily see why much of your behavior puts your relationship with your wife at risk.

Think about it.....hey honey, I will only be out of town for five days, you go ahead and go out with your girlfriends (the ones that have no sense of commitment) indulge in drinking to alter you mind, dress nice to show off your looks and when another male notices you, make sure you honor our vows.

Many women will be able to, many won't...it was an affair waiting for a place to happen.

Your wife needs to guard her heart for the only man in her life.....you! She needs to avoid conversing with persons of the opposite sex because she cares about YOU....she can't depend on vows, commitment or trust alone, you and her both need to protect yourself from situations that pose a threat to your love for each other.

My wife was on FB when she first engaged in conversation with the OM. My outlook...FB is for single people looking to socialize because they don't have a marriage to occupy there time. I call it "flirt book".

My wife agreed to shut down FB forever due to her affair. She changed her cell phone number and we are moving out of the area to avoid chances of running into the OM during our daily activities.

I can tell you this is not an easy road, not for the weak at heart...if you listen to the people on this site and surround yourself with Dr. Harley's material, you have a great chance of having a happy marriage.

Your wife's main job is to protect you and make you feel safe to love her after she launched a grenade at your heart.

Your job is to meet her needs, whatever those end up being. I would bet being out of town without her made her feel that your main priorty was money...all the money in the world won't meet your wife's top needs....

Sorry to be tough on you, but I am living this, and if you don't meet your wife's needs and she doesn't protect her heart when your not there, this will only happen again....

Also a word about therapists not in tune with this program.

1. The guy my wife had an affair with was in "therapy" when he had his second affair with my wife.

2. When I began to discover my wife's affair she started to meet with a therapist trying to understand why she did what she did. I went to one session with her, and I told the therapist that I was following a program by Dr. H and wished my wife to take a polygraph because I thought she may be holding back some of the truth. The therapist told me that he did not think it was nessasary and if I thought it was, then I should take one as well. The therapist agreed with my wife that she had told me the truth and I would be pleased with the results of a polygraph.

The end result, my wife was lieing to both the therapist and me the entire time and she came clean days before the polygraph test to the extent of the affair.

Hi Opie, you are getting good advice here, but I wanted to comment on the above. You can save yourself a trip to the "therapist." We will tell you for FREE why she had an affair: she has pisspoor boundaries around men and cats around like an alley cat in heat. She has the lifestyle of a single woman and only did what single women do: cat around with men.

Like Dr Harley, a clinical psychologist and specialist in recovering marriages from infidelity says:

here

..going to therapy is distracting and unnecessary.

She doesn't need therapy in the first place and in the second place, you run the risk of being told to "separate" by the therapist. We have 2 cases just this weekend who were told by "therapists" to separate. That bad advice may well spell the end of their marriages. Therapists are destructive to marriages and don't have the slightest idea how to save a marriage. They have an 84% failure rate and a higher personal divorce rate than the general population. If an ignorant therapist tells your wife to separate from you, it will be very hard to undo that bad advice.

If you want to save your marriage, you need to clean up your lifestyles and start putting your marriage FIRST, instead of last. STOP traveling, stop going out without each other, stay out of bars, delete facebook and start acting like married people. That's IF you want to save your marriage. If you don't, just keep living like you have and I promise there will be more affairs.

When you get hit by a car playing chicken, the solution is to get out of the road.

Traveling jobs are an invitation to affairs:

here

here

opiel. Your wife has poor boundaries. That is why she had an affair. You don't need a therapist to tell you that and in fact a therapist will spend thousand of dollars rehashing old wounds and making your wife angry about everything that has ever happened in the past.



Your wife may even end up feeling entitled after therapy.



You cannot change the past...you can only control what you do going forward. The solution is to change her behaviour going forward and to set boundaries to protect your marriage.

You both need to live integrated and transparent lives that would make a secret second life impossible.

If you would like professional help, I strongly recommend Marriage Builder counseling. They will teach you how to rebuild the trust and romantic love. That is what you need to focus on right now. It requires no contact for LIFE with OM and the toxic friends. You also will need to quit the traveling job and expose the affair. Those are the first steps.

Oh, KGaa, thank you for bringing this up. Opiel, you and your wife also need to look at moving away from the scene of the crime, for a few reasons:
1. You will be triggered when she is gone for any length of time; did she run into OM and they're having drinks and getting 'caught up'?
2. If you believe your WW is earnest, you need to get her away from any potential run-ins with OM, which would be of great distress to her. IF she is earnest. (Side note: if she is truly earnest, she will embrace the idea of getting away from any potential contact with OM. If she says "Oh, I can't possibly consider moving because blah blah blah" That's a huge red flag that she is not sincere in her remorse.

Also send the NC letter after you approve it's content... The OM, who is married, told my wife to reach out to him if your marriage doesn't work out.

You want to ensure this A is ended in the proper way. Not some kiss, kiss, version they might of had. My wife admitted later down the road that she ended her A in a casual, "well sorry we can no longer talk but it was nice, see ya around".

Verse...a no contact letter that was later sent saying...what I did was a major fault of mine and hurt my spouse...stay away and never contact me in any way shape or form.

I snooped around after that letter was sentvand I still have my checks and balances in place to watch my wife until she rebuilds her trust. Your wife will not care if you have safeguards in place to check on her if she wants you to heal and trust her again.

I am set to move, even though only 40-45 min from here, it is important to be able to go places such as the grocery store, gas station ect...without triggers and chance sightings.

I hope you understand the seriousness of what it takes to heal..some examples..

1. Had to sell 2 cars that my wife met OM in.
2. Sold brand new house wife and I built in order to relocate.
3. Wife threw out any and all clothes that may have come in contact with OM.
4. Wife took and passed polygraph.
5. wife saw her Dr., admitted to her A, and submitted to STD testing.

This is not an all inclusive list, but you will find it very hard to heal if your wife doesn't agree to help do whatever possible to get this from triggering your mind.

Also stay on this site as you work through this. It will be your best tool to whatever you decide to do.

NeverGuessed, maritalbliss, KGaa12, MelodyLane, pokerface.... THANK YOU. I come here looking for advice based on objectivity and well reasoned responses from people who are/were going through the same experience and you delivered.

Please don't get a wrong impression that I am looking for excuses for her actions. It isn't the case at all and the chances that our marriage will soon end in divorce are very high. After all, my wife may not be who I thought she was, and our marriage may not be what I thought it was. It's a hard truth to accept.

However, I still don't think that rushing to making a decision whether to end it all or give it another try would be a good idea at this point.

KGaa12, please don't take it in any wrong way.... apparently I don't know the situation but why did you decide to give her another chance after all that laying? I am just trying to understand.

Lying goes hand in hand with infidelity. Every other cheater here lied and lied, so that is the rule rather than the exception. Some do it so long that they end up destroying their marriages. Oddly, most people can recover from the affair, it is the continued lying that gets them.

One way we get all the truth out in one fell swoop is advise people to insist their spouses take a polygraph. It is a great tool in that it clears the air and reassures the BS. It allows them to move forward in their recovery.

KGaa can speak for himself, but in knowing his situation, I can see why he gave her another chance. He has a long history with her, a great marriage in the past, children, and he has her commitment to change her lifestyle and recover the marriage. He researched the issue and found that it is very possible to recover and end up with a great marriage at the end. He is well on that road now.

O,

MB gives people hope in even the worst case scenarios of recovering their marriage. Following MB shows people not only how to recovery their marriage after infidelity but how to take the steps to make it stronger and forever affair proof it.

Even the biggest liars (myself included) can come out of the fog and see the harm in their lying and deceptive ways using MB.

I am happy you and your wife have found this site and encourage both of you to dive in. Work the program and then you can decide if your marriage is worth saving.

MelodyLane,

I know that lying goes hand in hand with infidelity. The funny thing in our case is that I don't recall her ever "directly" lying to me about her affair.... it was all lying by omission. Not that it makes any difference but technically she just wasn't telling me about things she was doing when I was gone. Of course, all that makes me feel really special.

Polygraph test isn't necessary in our case.... she told me the whole truth from the beginning. She has taken full responsibility for her affair saying.... "he was making advances, I could stop it but I didn't." She has been blaming herself only and never tried to minimaze or hide anything about what happend. FB messages, they exchanged, corraborate her story 100%.

Yhe only question about her affair, she didn't answer, was why she had done it in the first place.

Fifteenyears,

Thanks for your replay. The more I think about it, the more I think about just getting divorced and moving on. What I am struggling the most with is why she did it having so much to lose. It wasn't just a drunk impuls, she had enough time to think about what she was doing.

My wife is getting rather bad wrap on this forum and she deserves every word of it. However, I know her well enough to say that she isn't a liar by nature and she wouldn't be able to keep her affair secret too long.... it would be eating her alive and sooner or later she would confese. And she knows that too. So why?

Was it supposed to an exit affair? If she wanted to get divorced she could just tell me that she wasn't happy and I would have let her go. No need to ruin her reputation. Her parents and sister are absolutely devastated by what she has done.