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Ok, only have a short amount of time on this:
Jedi - no, because he does not believe in MB principles, though in all honesty, we probably did as close to an R plan as we could. I went with him on all trips, shared emails, spent lots of us time, etc...

Pep, I've been researching legal separation, and is possible in my state. I'm holding off for now ( I'll explain in a moment...)

Susieq - funny you mention my sig line. That was not him not telling me. That was my choice. I did not want to fully know (at least when I wrote that sig line a couple years back.). We've delved into it some, so I have a general idea, but maybe it's time I ask the full truth. And what's SSL? I have been gone since that one came about...

Walkin- true enough. My plan A is in overdrive right now, and I'd like to believe its getting through to him.

So, new developments: he told OW that he likes her more than he knows he should. (Well, duh...) and.... She rejected him. She is not interested in that. Smart girl. And yes, that came from my snooping, not from him telling me of anything.

So, question is: what now? I know to plan A, and quite frankly I don't want to D - but i cannot be played the fool again. I want to confront, since he is still guilty of letting his feelings stray, and would like to reintroduce in a positive way MB principles, so there isn't backlash against it. I haven't seen this type of EA addressed as much, so I'm not as sure of my steps. Thoughts? TY to all!

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Originally Posted By: cd78
I haven't seen this type of EA addressed as much, so I'm not as sure of my steps. Thoughts? TY to all!


The 'steps' are exactly the same.
EDIT TO ADD:
This is not 'adultery lite' you are dealing with. WH's attitude is 'adultery heavy'.
If he locates a willing OW within driving distance, he'd be having a PA right away.
This particular OW is not your problem. Your WH"s renter/freeloader attitude is the problem.
WH's attitude shows he will throw his marital fidelity under the bus with ease.

Last edited by Pepperband; 03/24/13 10:04 AM.
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Originally Posted By: cd78
I know to plan A


And plan A the STICK !!!!
The carrot has been there all along, right?
Have you been an unreasonable wife? An unattractive wife? A love-busting wife?
I am NOT asking if you have been a "perfect wife", don't even go there.
Have you been a good wife?


Quote:
and quite frankly I don't want to D - but i cannot be played the fool again


If you let it be known that you will not fully deliver the STICK of Plan A, your WH will soon forget the lesson he is supposed to learn. The lesson?

Click to reveal..
You will not tolerate such behavior any longer.



Quote:
I want to confront


You do what you want. But exposure works a hell of a lot better than "confrontation".
If you confront without doing an exposure first, I say "good luck". And I wish you well.

Quote:
since he is still guilty of letting his feelings stray, and would like to reintroduce in a positive way MB principles, so there isn't backlash against it.


rotflmao

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Originally Posted By: cd78
And what's SSL? I have been gone since that one came about...


Secret Second Life -- this has been in Dr Harley's articles for quite a while now. I know I discussed this topic with Dr Harley in 2009 (and my xH did as well) so it was in the materials when you posted in 2010.

Last edited by SusieQ; 03/24/13 10:57 AM.

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Originally Posted By: cd78
\Jedi - no, because he does not believe in MB principles, though in all honesty, we probably did as close to an R plan as we could. I went with him on all trips, shared emails, spent lots of us time, etc...


This is not what you said in your previous thread -- you said that your WH was "poisoned" to MB from the OW who found your thread.

Please note that waywards who do not want to give up their SSL and/or IB (which is true in your case) will gaslight the BS into not using MB. It is up the the BS to stand their ground.

After all, the wayward does not get to call the shots in R after engaging such marriage wrecking behavior.


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Originally Posted By: cd78
Susieq - funny you mention my sig line. That was not him not telling me. That was my choice. I did not want to fully know (at least when I wrote that sig line a couple years back.).


cd, if you are familiar with Dr Harley's writings, you should know that he is pretty big on radical honesty. Especially when recovering the M, you should know all of the facts so that you can implement EPs. I can understand not wanting to know all of the nitty-gritty details but most certainly you need to know if it was a PA and how/where they met, etc. I hope you had him take an STD test, at this point you should take one yourself as well.

It is still red flag the fact that you don't know this even if it was your decision to not know. Denial/sweeping things under the rug by the BS is a big problem just as it would be if your WH was refusing to be honest.


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Originally Posted By: Pepperband
Originally Posted By: cd78
I know to plan A


And plan A the STICK !!!!
The carrot has been there all along, right?
Have you been an unreasonable wife? An unattractive wife? A love-busting wife?
I am NOT asking if you have been a "perfect wife", don't even go there.
Have you been a good wife?


Quote:
and quite frankly I don't want to D - but i cannot be played the fool again


If you let it be known that you will not fully deliver the STICK of Plan A, your WH will soon forget the lesson he is supposed to learn. The lesson?

Click to reveal..
You will not tolerate such behavior any longer.



Quote:
I want to confront


You do what you want. But exposure works a hell of a lot better than "confrontation".
If you confront without doing an exposure first, I say "good luck". And I wish you well.

Quote:
since he is still guilty of letting his feelings stray, and would like to reintroduce in a positive way MB principles, so there isn't backlash against it.


rotflmao






x2

cd, your WH knows that he can manipulate and gaslight you and you won't do much about it.


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You need to expose him at work too! Especially since his attempted affair is taking place within his workplace.

To me, it is a bit of relief that this OW is not buying his BS and advances, but what about the next girl that he "has feelings for".

If your H is serious about your marriage, then he will be serious about MB. Why would not not want some of the best "free" marriage advice and the perfect plan to make a wonderful marriage?

Only a caking eating, gas lighting, cheating, double lifer rejects MB (that coming from an ex-CEGLCDL lashes )

Last edited by fifteenyears; 03/24/13 11:57 AM.

Me (WS) Husband (BS)
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My D-day - 11/12/11

Today Me (BS) H (WS)
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I don't want to just survive my affair, I want to recover from it!
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cd78, the conditions for reconciliation and recovery are not negotiable. This is something I would make clear to your husband. This is why you are dealing with repeat affairs. Welcome to your future!

If he doesn't "buy into" those conditions, then Plan B is your next step because if he doesn't do those things, you are facing more affairs. He doesn't "believe in MB principles?" huh? That is not acceptable because they are not negotiable.

It is obvious your husband is actively looking for action. That is much different from your average WS who falls into an affair because he is ignorant. Your H is not ignorant at all. He just doesn't give a damn. He doesn't care if he hurts you and that makes him a dangerous man.

I wouldn't waste a second with Plan A. I would be giving him an ultimatum that he either implements extraordinary precautions to protect you from another affair or he leaves. I would be looking at Plan B if I were you.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Here is a post Dr Harley made to another wife over on the private forum. The situation is slightly different in that this WH was in an active affair - he is a serial cheater. Your H is just TRYING to be in an active affair even though he knows how painful it will be to you.

Originally Posted By: Dr Bill Harley
Your husband appears to be in what I call the "fog." He is not willing to do anything to end his affair, and he is not willing to do anything to restore his marriage with you. He is emotionally divorced from you.

I would encourage you to begin planning now for Plan B. It may take six months or more before you can separate from him, but my best guess is that his affair is nowhere close to ending. I would encourage you to confront him with what you've learned, and tell others in your family, including your children, what you are going through. But it won't motivate him to end his affair. All it's likely to do is make him angry. Nonetheless, I always recommend getting an affair out into the open as a first step toward ending it.

It's possible that your husband has had multiple affairs throughout your marriage, and he starts them over the internet, or with women he meets in his business. Apparently, he feels that there is nothing you can do to stop him, and he doesn't seem to worry about you divorcing him. I usually recommend Plan A as a initial response to learning about an affair, but in your case, Plan A is unlikely to work, and will probably cause you to experience severe emotional trauma.

During the seminar, your husband was exposed to the ravages of infidelity, and how cruel his affair was to you. But he doesn't seem to care about that, so you're left with guarding yourself against his thoughtlessness. That's why I recommend Plan B.

Remember, a separation usually leads to divorce. It won't cause him to miss you. In fact, it will probably lead to your husband following through on his affair. But if you continue to try to draw him back to you while he's having it, and while he's so disinterested in his relationship with you, there could be long-lasting physical and emotional consequences to you.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
It is obvious your husband is actively looking for action. That is much different from your average WS who falls into an affair because he is ignorant. Your H is not ignorant at all. He just doesn't give a damn. He doesn't care if he hurts you and that makes him a dangerous man.


Exactly. cd, your WH is not "guilty of letting his feelings stray again".

I found this from your thread in 2010 to further demonstrate this point.

Originally Posted By: cd78 from 11/2010
I'm trying not to overreact, trying hard to stay calm.

Snooping on H's computer today. Found something that seems like it would be put out on a dating site. Basically he is staying married, doesn't want to leave the family, but wants a great, fun, physical partner. I don't know where this is posted at, or if it's even really posted, but it's on his computer.


You updated the thread months later saying you never found out what this was all about and it looked like you resolved this problem with more PLAN A, like you are trying to do now.

The problem is that he wants other women to meet his ENs...not that you need to do a better job of it. More PLAN A is not the answer.


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Originally Posted By: cd78
. and would like to reintroduce in a positive way MB principles, so there isn't backlash against it.


This is the problem in your marriage, cd78, and is why you find yourself facing multiple affairs. You are hoping he will magically change by "introducing MB principles in a positive way" rather than insisting he make a radical changes. You have no conditions here so he is just living down to your low expectations.

You want to have a marriage? Set the bar high and he either makes radical, dramatic changes in his lifestyle or he hits the road. Otherwise, you have a marriage to a playah and a future full of affairs. If he doesn't change, then you are better off without him.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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cd, I am very sad to see you back here.

Plan A is going to do you more harm than good.

Why can't you Plan B?


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Personal R in works
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Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
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PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

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Ok, there is far too many responses to get to them all. I apologize.

So, let me just say this quickly. You are all right. I know it, you know it, and I'll leave it at that.

Scotty, thanks and hello... frown I cannot plan B because I literally have no where to go, and no $$ at this point. I do have a possible job opportunity though that should be coming my way in the next couple of weeks (almost positive they're going to hire me, the woman basically said I can't hire you on the spot but you'll be hearing from me soon) and so at that time I can go Plan B and file. I can't kick him out for a variety of reasons that I would likely just get twoxfour for, so I'll just leave it at that.

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Have you spoken to a family law attorney and learned about child support and spousal support?

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Pep- as of yet, no, but I still have all the info from a few years back.... guess occasionally it's good to be a pack rat. frown

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cd78, if your husband leaves, he will still have to support you. Do you realize this? I would approach him with a list of your conditions and if he won't take radical steps to meet them, I would ask him to move out.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Cd, you know me better than that. I'm not gonna let you get away with half answers. smile

Is your plan to Plan B if you get this job? What if you don't? You have already been living with this for far too long as it is. False recoveries SUCK.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Originally Posted By: cd78
Ok, there is far too many responses to get to them all. I apologize.

So, let me just say this quickly. You are all right. I know it, you know it, and I'll leave it at that.

Scotty, thanks and hello... frown I cannot plan B because I literally have no where to go, and no $$ at this point. I do have a possible job opportunity though that should be coming my way in the next couple of weeks (almost positive they're going to hire me, the woman basically said I can't hire you on the spot but you'll be hearing from me soon) and so at that time I can go Plan B and file. I can't kick him out for a variety of reasons that I would likely just get twoxfour for, so I'll just leave it at that.

So you could get him out of the house if you really wanted to?


FWW/BW (me)
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2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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ok, got a break at work....

ML - no, honestly, did not know that. Never honestly thought that way, especially since his paycheck pays the rent, etc....

Scotty - banghead yes, I should know this by now... I do, but sometimes don't realize I'm only half answering...

Is my plan to Plan B if I get this job - well, one would think... see my response to ML, as I never thought of anything else other than needing to support myself/my DS if I kick him out or I leave...

BH - IDK, to be completely honest. As I said, he works from home...


So, I guess I'm just as confused as I ever was/ever will be. I know better, I deserve better. To go back to what ML said, and I'm being completely serious and honest in this, how would I go to him with a list of conditions, especially if I'm not to confront him, and what would they be?
Obviously I have no set bar, or at least not one high enough to protect my marriage from this crud...
I'm afraid of directing him to post here... this is my own personal fear - I know that I will probably get the gas lighting and babble and all that crud, especially if he reads this thread.
Do I say, we do this my way or we're done? I guess I don't even know where to start.... (and so is anyone really surprised I'm back.... no, I didn't think so...)

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