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#2714473 03/22/13 06:40 PM
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Hi All...

Just want some input. I've been divorced for 3 years. Not by my choice...
He met soul mate "number 5" and moved out...

But as I am starting to rebuild my life and review my past
marriage... I was wondering what I can learn from this experience. It is
easy just to blame other party... And heck with 5 confirmed who would blame me for the easy out... And say it is all his fault

However, the experience has truly scarred me. I am terrified to even date etc... Because of the experience...I worry if my picker is broken... Any thoughts ... Anyone been in this situation ?

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Originally Posted By: Kendall808
Hi All...

Just want some input. I've been divorced for 3 years. Not by my choice...
He met soul mate "number 5" and moved out...

But as I am starting to rebuild my life and review my past
marriage... I was wondering what I can learn from this experience. It is
easy just to blame other party... And heck with 5 confirmed who would blame me for the easy out... And say it is all his fault

However, the experience has truly scarred me. I am terrified to even date etc... Because of the experience...I worry if my picker is broken... Any thoughts ... Anyone been in this situation ?


Definitely educate yourself.

That's the best way to educate your picker.

Get the book "Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders" it is an excellent resource.

Read this until you get the book.
Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Thanks so much... I love this site... Only wish I had found it years ago

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Originally Posted By: Kendall808
However, the experience has truly scarred me. I am terrified to even date etc...


Hi Kendall, I don't have a lot of time now....there's more I would like to say but I will come back later.

Quickly wanted to ask: I saw you started a thread late last year re the problems you were having with xWH and you were advised to go into Plan B so that you could really begin healing. What happened with that?

You may ask, what does this have to do with the questions I asked in this thread?

I don't think you will do well dating if you are still dealing with constant tense communications and triggering. I actually have a very good friend who D'd her WH over five years ago (he ended up marrying the OW) and she has never dated, partially I believe because she stuck because she has remained in contact (only email) with her ex.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
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Originally Posted By: Kendall808
Hi All...

Just want some input. I've been divorced for 3 years. Not by my choice...
He met soul mate "number 5" and moved out...

But as I am starting to rebuild my life and review my past
marriage... I was wondering what I can learn from this experience. It is
easy just to blame other party... And heck with 5 confirmed who would blame me for the easy out... And say it is all his fault

However, the experience has truly scarred me. I am terrified to even date etc... Because of the experience...I worry if my picker is broken... Any thoughts ... Anyone been in this situation ?



It is good to work on your picker before venturing back into the dating world. I was married to a serial cheater too....oddly enough I was not afraid to date and I ended up with a great man. I made a list of qualities and I only decided to marry my current dh when he met those conditions.

I never went plan b with my xh...we have a civil relationship. I would love to never see or speak to him again but we have a child together and our ds13 does MUCH better when his dad and I can be civil.

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Originally Posted By: SmilingWoman
I never went plan b with my xh...we have a civil relationship.


Originally Posted By: Smilingwoman on 1-4-2013
I had an enraging text conversation with wxh Tuesday of this week. He sucks me into conversation with questions about my childhood friends. seems rude and petty to not answere but it so often turns into his opportunity to bash me in so e way.

So it fueled my desire to severely restrict contact with him. Going back to the advise of 5 words or less.
here

Originally Posted By: Smilingwoman on 1-4-2013

It is a flip I have to switch in my own mind...that communication beyond the absolute necessary is toxic to me because he is not safe for me. I feel much better after reminding myself of this. I got so much support and encouragement and advice in this thread 2-3 years ago. It was really a lifesaver then and now.


People that wisely go into Plan B avoid all this toxic interaction and have much better mental health.

Be honest, are you addicted to your XH and this is why you hang on so tight? I just see a woman who has avoided Plan B all these years because she is desperately hanging onto a long dead corpse. Why would you choose to live like this? It is so unnecessary.



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: Kendall808

However, the experience has truly scarred me. I am terrified to even date etc... Because of the experience...I worry if my picker is broken... Any thoughts ... Anyone been in this situation ?



Kendall, I agree 100% with Susie about Plan B. You will find a great difference in your mental health if you go into Plan B. I am the intermediary for 2 such women and the peace of mind and positive outlook they get from Plan B is immense. They are like different women. I am divorced from my XH and since in Plan B, it is like a black cloud lifted from my skies.

And just think, if you go into Plan B you can avoid the type of toxic interactions SmilingWoman described in her recent posts.

As far as your picker, you can get enormous support from this forum when it comes to dating.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: SmilingWoman
we have a child together and our ds13 does MUCH better when his dad and I can be civil.


This type of statement makes it sound as if the BS needs to "rise above it" and have a goal to be civil to their xWS. I don't know if that's what you meant but.....


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
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Originally Posted By: SmilingWoman
I never went plan b with my xh...we have a civil relationship. I would love to never see or speak to him again but we have a child together and our ds13 does MUCH better when his dad and I can be civil.



SW, I went back and read Kendall's first thread. Here's what she said:

Originally Posted By: Kendall808

However, I do think ending ALL contact with EX is vital for my mental health...So I have started not to respond to any phone calls, text messages, etc.. that he sends me


But she never came back to update us on what she ended up doing with parallel parenting/Plan B. She is not civil with her ex.

Kendall, just so that you know this is very normal for a BS. I recently spoke to Dr Harley and told him that I was experiencing stress due to tense communications with xWH and that I started to use an IM (even though now we use an email system recommended to us by the judge) and he emphatically told me he fully agreed with that course of action (use of an IM).

Last edited by SusieQ; 03/24/13 07:23 PM.

Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
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Originally Posted By: SmilingWoman
I never went plan b with my xh...we have a civil relationship.



Originally Posted By: Smilingwoman on 12/27/12
When I moved ds12 out of state, I had to tread very carefully with WXH so that he didn't go filing papers with the court and cause a big bunch of problems. This resulted in more chit chat with him and I can really tell it affects me. Ugh. I've been having horrible dreams lately and feeling that rage well back up.
here

This is what you want for Kendall?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I found an excellent radio clip from Dr. Harley of why it's a good idea to go into Plan B after divorce. Tell me what you think.
Radio clip on Plan B after Divorce at 5:25 mark


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Kendall,

BTW did you ever expose the OW your WH was seeing, part of the way you fight evil is to do good, do this by informing the OWHs.

God Bless
Gamma

Gamma #2715108 03/25/13 12:14 PM
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Kendall, Plan B will most definitely help you with your healing and your ability to be able to weed through the trash when you are fully ready to date. Of course you are going to be gunshy out of the gate, we'd have to have a different talk with you if you weren't, but you will have the BEST chance at finding someone who really suits you, at the right time, if you allow yourself to heal fully.

I have 2 boys myself, and I haven't spoken or seen my WH in 3 years. Guess what, the kids understand the reasons behind it, and they see that I do this to enforce MY boundaries, and they will hopefully learn to enforce boundaries themselves when they get older.

I would strongly suggest Plan B, as a person who has seen the benefits firsthand.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
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Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

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Originally Posted By: SmilingWoman
I would love to never see or speak to him again but we have a child together and our ds13 does MUCH better when his dad and I can be civil.


If you have never been in Plan B or done PP, then you don't know how ds13 would do if you just eliminated the tension/problems that come from trying to force a "civil" relationship, SW.

This is not just "Plan B" thing. Have you read my parallel parenting post? They discussed this at length in my divorcing parenting class that you are required to take in my state -- they don't encourage forcing a civil relationship at all and the studies back this up. Keep in mind that this advice was for regular divorcing folks -- not even taking into consideration all the emotions/triggers that are involved when one spouse engaged in an affair and is still with the OP following D.

Originally Posted By: Scotland
Guess what, the kids understand the reasons behind it, and they see that I do this to enforce MY boundaries, and they will hopefully learn to enforce boundaries themselves when they get older.


My children like Scotland's understand my boundaries with xWH and have NEVER expressed a desire for me to "have a civil relationship" with their father. Parallel parenting has had NO NEGATIVE effects on them whatsoever. In fact, I think the fact that they are doing as well as they are is attributed to the fact that Plan B/PP has helped me be as whole and emotionally healthy as I could be under the circumstances!


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
SusieQ #2715132 03/25/13 12:52 PM
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kendall, one other thing...

How old is your DD?

In case you didn't know... Dr Harley did a radio show where he encourages single mothers of young children to stay single until the children are "grown".

The reasons that he cites is that blended families have a very high rate of problems/divorce and he basically says that you could be introducing a whole set of new problems to your situation.

I don't want to discourage you from dating though, but having your guard up and taking it slow especially when involving the children I think is a great idea.

Hope you are still with us! smile


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Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
Originally Posted By: SmilingWoman
I never went plan b with my xh...we have a civil relationship.


Originally Posted By: Smilingwoman on 1-4-2013
I had an enraging text conversation with wxh Tuesday of this week. He sucks me into conversation with questions about my childhood friends. seems rude and petty to not answere but it so often turns into his opportunity to bash me in so e way.

So it fueled my desire to severely restrict contact with him. Going back to the advise of 5 words or less.
here

Originally Posted By: Smilingwoman on 1-4-2013

It is a flip I have to switch in my own mind...that communication beyond the absolute necessary is toxic to me because he is not safe for me. I feel much better after reminding myself of this. I got so much support and encouragement and advice in this thread 2-3 years ago. It was really a lifesaver then and now.


People that wisely go into Plan B avoid all this toxic interaction and have much better mental health.

Be honest, are you addicted to your XH and this is why you hang on so tight? I just see a woman who has avoided Plan B all these years because she is desperately hanging onto a long dead corpse. Why would you choose to live like this? It is so unnecessary.



There seems to be some confusion on what I am referring to as civil. When I say I have a civil relationship it means I can communicate drop off pick up details, what the doctor had to say about our son, what his grades are etc. via email or text. And we can say hello and goodbye at drop off and pick ups. Toward the end of last year I had gotten lax on keeping the conversations civil he had sucked me into a few conversations and that does cause distress to me. When I say my son does better when we are civil....he has been very upset the few times I've refused to even say a word to wxh.

Wxh and I are not friends and we never will be. But there are many many people that I don't wish to be friends with that I can carry on necessary business.

SusieQ #2715149 03/25/13 01:36 PM
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Originally Posted By: SusieQ
kendall, one other thing...

How old is your DD?

In case you didn't know... Dr Harley did a radio show where he encourages single mothers of young children to stay single until the children are "grown".

The reasons that he cites is that blended families have a very high rate of problems/divorce and he basically says that you could be introducing a whole set of new problems to your situation.

I don't want to discourage you from dating though, but having your guard up and taking it slow especially when involving the children I think is a great idea.

Hope you are still with us! smile


What would be the purpose of dating?
If you met someone that was meeting emotional needs you would fall in love with the person.
If the intent as to remain single until the kids are grown dating isn't really an option

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Originally Posted By: SmilingWoman
Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
Originally Posted By: SmilingWoman
I never went plan b with my xh...we have a civil relationship.


Originally Posted By: Smilingwoman on 1-4-2013
I had an enraging text conversation with wxh Tuesday of this week. He sucks me into conversation with questions about my childhood friends. seems rude and petty to not answere but it so often turns into his opportunity to bash me in so e way.

So it fueled my desire to severely restrict contact with him. Going back to the advise of 5 words or less.
here

Originally Posted By: Smilingwoman on 1-4-2013

It is a flip I have to switch in my own mind...that communication beyond the absolute necessary is toxic to me because he is not safe for me. I feel much better after reminding myself of this. I got so much support and encouragement and advice in this thread 2-3 years ago. It was really a lifesaver then and now.


People that wisely go into Plan B avoid all this toxic interaction and have much better mental health.

Be honest, are you addicted to your XH and this is why you hang on so tight? I just see a woman who has avoided Plan B all these years because she is desperately hanging onto a long dead corpse. Why would you choose to live like this? It is so unnecessary.



There seems to be some confusion on what I am referring to as civil. When I say I have a civil relationship it means I can communicate drop off pick up details, what the doctor had to say about our son, what his grades are etc. via email or text. And we can say hello and goodbye at drop off and pick ups. Toward the end of last year I had gotten lax on keeping the conversations civil he had sucked me into a few conversations and that does cause distress to me. When I say my son does better when we are civil....he has been very upset the few times I've refused to even say a word to wxh.

Wxh and I are not friends and we never will be. But there are many many people that I don't wish to be friends with that I can carry on necessary business.









Psychologists have studied this issue and found that conflict causes health problems.
I have not seen or spoken to my ex wife since day of divorce.
I'm very glad.

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Originally Posted By: Jedi_Knight
Originally Posted By: SmilingWoman
Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
Originally Posted By: SmilingWoman
I never went plan b with my xh...we have a civil relationship.


Originally Posted By: Smilingwoman on 1-4-2013
I had an enraging text conversation with wxh Tuesday of this week. He sucks me into conversation with questions about my childhood friends. seems rude and petty to not answere but it so often turns into his opportunity to bash me in so e way.

So it fueled my desire to severely restrict contact with him. Going back to the advise of 5 words or less.
here

Originally Posted By: Smilingwoman on 1-4-2013

It is a flip I have to switch in my own mind...that communication beyond the absolute necessary is toxic to me because he is not safe for me. I feel much better after reminding myself of this. I got so much support and encouragement and advice in this thread 2-3 years ago. It was really a lifesaver then and now.


People that wisely go into Plan B avoid all this toxic interaction and have much better mental health.

Be honest, are you addicted to your XH and this is why you hang on so tight? I just see a woman who has avoided Plan B all these years because she is desperately hanging onto a long dead corpse. Why would you choose to live like this? It is so unnecessary.




There seems to be some confusion on what I am referring to as civil. When I say I have a civil relationship it means I can communicate drop off pick up details, what the doctor had to say about our son, what his grades are etc. via email or text. And we can say hello and goodbye at drop off and pick ups. Toward the end of last year I had gotten lax on keeping the conversations civil he had sucked me into a few conversations and that does cause distress to me. When I say my son does better when we are civil....he has been very upset the few times I've refused to even say a word to wxh.

Wxh and I are not friends and we never will be. But there are many many people that I don't wish to be friends with that I can carry on necessary business.









Psychologists have studied this issue and found that conflict causes health problems.
I have not seen or spoken to my ex wife since day of divorce.
I'm very glad.


I agree that conflict causes health problems. It is why I found myself getting so upset when I let down my barrier with wxh a few months back. I feel no distress now though when I keep things strictly business.

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Originally Posted By: SmilingWoman
[
There seems to be some confusion on what I am referring to as civil. When I say I have a civil relationship it means I can communicate drop off pick up details, what the doctor had to say about our son, what his grades are etc. via email or text. And we can say hello and goodbye at drop off and pick ups. Toward the end of last year I had gotten lax on keeping the conversations civil he had sucked me into a few conversations and that does cause distress to me. When I say my son does better when we are civil....he has been very upset the few times I've refused to even say a word to wxh.


As you can see from your own experience, you and your H still get sucked into fights. All of these issues can easily be communicated via an intermediary and you could avoid the trauma.

Going into Plan B would make you a better parent. Your son would do much better if you would just shut it off. That way all the tension would be avoided.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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