I am confused about the EP. We are not together right now so how am I supposed to deposit love units. Also, how can I spend time with him? Can anyone give me some examples of being apart, still respecting his space and doing this?

The carrot is showing him that you are willing and capable of meeting his EN's, should he decide to return to the marriage. If he won't take the Emotional Need Questionnaire, try to figure out what his top EN's are on your own. Likely, after an affair, especially where there has been trickle truth, openness & honesty (O&H) is #1, or very close to the top. What other things do you think are his top ENs?

You will likely find it difficult to meet any of the intimate ENs, simply because he has closed his love bank to you, at least temporarily. But you share a daughter, so you can try to meet needs for family commitment (FC) by inviting him to share in activities with her ("We were planning to go to the park/go see a movie/go to the museum today, would you like to join us?"). He may refuse, but go anyway. Snap some pictures of your daughter during the day and send them to him. Invite him to a dinner that you & she prepare (sorry, I don't recall how old she is, but depending on her age, it may be something as simple as letting her choose the menu, decorate a cake for dessert, or help you cook the meal). Look your best when you see him (attractive spouse - AS). Ask his advice on daily issues, compliment him (admiration - AD - a biggie for many men). Keep your interactions pleasant and low-key. You don't want to make the short time you have together a rehashing of the emotional holocaust that was your affair.



And he will be hurt for some time yet. I certainly can't tell you to get your hopes up, because he may never be able to move past his resentment. If that happens, at some point in the future you will have to decide how much longer you can continue in Plan A (holding that carrot out there). Dr. H advised me early on in our recovery that there was no reason I could not continue in Plan A indefinitely, because for a FWW, Plan A was much less stressful since you were not fighting an active affair. However, there may come a point where you cannot continue. That is a very individual choice. I continued in Plan A for a couple of years, but it certainly was not always a stellar Plan A. I am not a role model, certainly, because I have since allowed myself to become stuck in a very painful limbo-type existence which is not good for either my H or myself.

I don't believe you are to that point. So, your job is to meet the ENs he allows you to meet, in the limited time you have to do so. Enact and uphold your personal boundaries and EPs.

15 is right - you've got to go into this with no expectations. That is probably the hardest thing to understand, that you are doing these things - the need-meeting - without any expectation that there will be reciprocation on the part of your BH. Having expectations tripped me up often, because I wanted so badly for there to be a magic 'thing" that would cause my H to suddenly begin meeting my needs in return. You work on becoming the best SunDancer that there ever was, so that when - if - he begins to come around he will be amazed by your transformation. You've already got an "in", in that you are the mother of his daughter and for now, you are still his wife. He loved you once, and he loves you still - but now it is buried under this huge pile of resentment.

Here's an image that has stuck with me - imagine that you and your BH are on opposite sides of a river. You are chucking buckets of sand into the river to try and build a bridge so that you can cross to be together. The current is swift, and it sweeps away much of the sand that you throw in...but you keep doing it. Under the surface, work is taking place - a bridge is being built. If you can get him involved, and he begins to chuck buckets of sand from *his* side of the river, wow - how much faster will it happen, right? But he doesn't see any reason to do that right now...but maybe, just maybe, if he sees you halfway out into the river, he *may* just start lugging that sand on his side. As you get better at targeting his ENs, the sand becomes rocks, that begin to build a better foundation...get the picture?

EP's (Extraordinary Precautions) and love units are not exactly the same.

EP - are things that you are going to put in place in your life to ensure that an affair can and never will happen again. There are some example lists on this site and hopefully Brainy will see this and put a link on your stitch (that is her specialty). Sharing these with your H just shows him that you have a plan for yourself. Again, he may not even read them but it can't hurt to give him a copy. Again, these are for YOU!!!


As WG said you can slowly deposit love units and should at any and every chance you get. Little things like dinner, invites, ect... Even if he does not respond or responds negatively, you have nothing to lose.

It does help if you know his top three EN's (emotional needs) but if you don't it will not hurt to try to fill all of them every chance you get.

You have got so much to learn but you are doing good asking questions. We are here to help and to help you rebuild your marriage.

Well, right now his emotional needs are getting space from me. He is being very clear that he is done so I think the first step is for me to respect his boundaries.

I looked up a thread on EP's. I adapted it a little but here it is so far.


Extraordinary Precautions:

One Time:
1. Sell the house and purchase a new one.
2. Password to my email account
3. Password to my facebook account
4. Look for a new job. Change jobs as soon as possible.

Continuing
A) I will protect my family and their feelings above all else.
B) I will not participate in any one-on-one meetings with anyone of the opposite sex.
C) I will not discuss my personal marriage issues with anyone of the opposite sex.
D) I will be open and honest with my spouse at all times about the past and present.
E) I will provide my spouse access to my google calendar of all appointments and contact information
F) If I need to make an adjustment to my schedule, I will notify my spouse of the change immediately.
G) I will make my spouse�s phone calls/text messages my highest priority by answering them or returning them immediately.
H) I will avoid all chat rooms with the exception of Pandora�s Aquarium for my CSA issues.
I) I will trade phones with my spouse at any time they request, NO questions asked.
J) I will leave my phone accessible to my spouse at night/or anytime I�m home.
K) If AP finds a way to make contact, I will immediately end the contact and notify my spouse about it immediately after.
L) I will install a keylogger, GPS, or any other tracking system my spouse may request.
M) Anytime I have the thought, �I don�t want my spouse to know about��.�, I will call my spouse immediately and tell them my thoughts.
N) Anything else my spouse wants as a boundary.

First time email senders that are answered on air get comp books, too. It is better to be a caller, because you will get better advice that way. I know, because I have been a caller twice and an email sender three times.

He is playing a gig on April 5. Our daughter will be out of town that day with her grandparents. Should I just show up at the gig?

Looks like I will be on the show this Friday. Nervous.

Be sure to wear make up. Even though it's radio, you will feel better.

Joyce asked that I ask my husband to write an email about his stance in the relationship. I don't think he will write one. I don't even know how to ask. I am a little embarrassed to ask him to write an email since he is so angry with me. Any suggestions?

Whew, I have a few questions and a lot to answer. I see you got Peps attention. That is great! She was/is a Godsend to everyone on this site. Her advice is golden.

Okay, here we go, Questions first.

1. Who was your affair partner? Work? FB? How and where did you guys meet? I know you probably said it in your first post but I have so much on my mind to tell you that I don't have time to go back.

2.Please tell me you don't work with him and are at the same job!!! Your marriage and H will NEVER recover if this is the case.


3. Your list looks good! I know you don't want to or don't feel comfortable, but send it to your H.

4. You continue to say that he is done and wants nothing to do with you. This may be true and the way he feels right now (like I said before my H was exactly the same way).

I am not asking you to constantly bug or beg him to talk to you. Remember little baby steps. Giving him too much space, is giving up. Find excuses and reasons to talk to him. As WPG said only you know when it is time to move on however you are just starting on this road. I don't think you are ready to give up. I know you are discouraged, I was too! Believe me, I wanted to give up so many times. My H would not talk to me, said it was over I don't know how many times.

5. Everything you do now needs to revolve around helping yourself make the changes in you to be a better wife. Even if he is not on board with this. If he accuses you of trying to trick him into getting you back, you need to respond that you are cleaning up your side of the fence for yourself with or without him. That you are doing this to be a better wife and mother. No tricks just changes.

6. Awesome that you got on the show and so fast. I was also on on a Friday. Joyce asked me to get my H on the show too. He refused. I told him that I was going on the show to get advice from the only two people I trusted to truly save our marriage. I believe he laughed in my face. I told him when I was going to be on and that the show would run all weekend (the plus in being on a Friday show). Again, your H may not listen but either way you let him know. My H's curiosity temporarily took over his anger and he listened, even called me to talk about it.


7. Okay, IMPO this is how you should ask your H to write an email. "H, I am going on a radio show connected to a website I found based on individual and marital growth. I know that you have given up on us and I understand and respect this. I however am not willing to give up on myself and want to make changes that will help me in the future. Because of this I am going on the radio show this Friday. Dr. Harley and his wife, Joyce really want to get all sides of the story. In order to do this they want to here your stance in our relationship to get all sides of the story so they are more equipped to help me. I understand if you do not want to or feel comfortable doing this. I know you are angry with me but this email will really help them get your side of the story." You don't even have to get an answer from him right then and there. In fact, leave it open for him to decide. Give him the email address and just leave it alone. Again, what do you have to lose?

8. As far as going to his show, I am not quite sure what to tell you on just going without him knowing that you are coming. What about telling him that you would really like to go and see how he responds to that. Again, I have to ponder this thought a little longer.

I do not work with my former AP. We were both graduate students. He took an elective course I was teaching. That is how I met him. He is not and cannot sign up for my classes as my boss and superiors have been notified of the relationship. There is no direct policy against it since I was actually a grad student at the time so I did not lose my job over it. As far as I know, the AP is almost finished with his PhD and should be leaving soon although I am not sure exactly when since I haven't spoken to him. I am not totally sure he is even still on campus.

I was promoted and now have a full time job at the university. My H hates my job right now and has made rude comments to me about it. I've been applying at other jobs but nothing yet. I can't leave it because I need the money.

Yes your job is a MAJOR trigger for him. A constant reminder of the A. Of course, I am a high school teacher and am still at the same building. I have asked my H numerous times about leaving but he insists on me not leaving (our son attends the same high school and really wants me to stay there).

It is b/c my H does not want me to leave that I have not. I told him that at any given moment I will pick up and move away to whatever, start another career and do whatever it takes to help him and save our marriage.


Did you read the advice that Pep gave you above about your H writing an email? She always gives great "short and to the point" advice. Mine often times gets a little lengthy but I am still learning and she is a pro.

I assume you mean the email about him writing something for the show. I just really don't feel comfortable asking him to do that right now. He was very upset with me last night and I don't want to ask too much and pester him. I sent him several other emails about the everyday stuff (taxes, appointments, etc) but I just didn't want to overwhelm him. I will think about it over the next day or so, though.

He hasn't asked me to leave my job. I am looking for a job though. Its especially difficult because I cannot move due to our daughter and we live in a rural area. I am trying but I need to make money right now.

Okay SD, it is time to send a couple 2x4's your way.

By sending him another email request, what do you have to lose? He is already angry with you and told you he has given up, so what you are going to give up as well?

Why not instead show him that you are not going to call it quits until the ink dries. Don't curl your tail in between your legs, show him that not matter how angry his is with you that you can and will put up with it until he starts to tear the wall down. Even if he does not, the question again is what do you have to lose at this point?

You are willing to show up to his gig unannounced but are afraid to send him and email requesting him to tell his side of the story?

Do you want to save your marriage or not?


As far as your job and money I do understand. However, the comments your H is making toward your job tells me that it is a major trigger for him and he would be extremely relieved if you found another job. If he is anything like my H, at this point he is not going to openly tell you this. His rude comments about it are enough indication.

SunDancer,

Correct me if I am wrong, but it sounds like you have a more advanced degree than your BH, and this may have been a sore spot for BH for some time even before the affair. The fact that you had an affair with a person of similar educational level may have just killed your BH. Your BH can't look at you because you remind him of his inferiority.

Did you offer to take a polygraph and get a DNA test for your child?

It's a good thing that your BH beat up the OM btw, at least it removes the threat of OM contacting you and checks that action off his to do list.

God Bless
Gamma

Thanks for the push 15. I will strongly consider the email. I will say the Joyce said if I wasn't comfortable with it, then that is ok for now. I will sleep on it and you're probably right-- I don't have anything to lose at this point.

He has an advanced degree but we went about it differently. But his degree was more practical and mine was more research based, which are different approaches. He has often made comments about how the OM threatens him due to the education level (he doesn't say its threatening, but his comments alluded to it). He did not attend my graduation back in December and told me that he would not due to what it did to our family.

I haven't offered a polygraph but I would. I don't need a DNA test for my daughter nor would he. There is no doubt she is ours.

It is a good thing for the NC with the OM. However, my H is in a lot of legal trouble now. The OM has pressed charges, asked for money for damages, and now they are going to court. It just adds insult to injury and he is raw again from it. I offered to testify against this man for my husband if need be. The relationship did start off as harassment and my husband was only defending his family. It's just not fair that this guys gets to walk away while my family is being torn to shreds!!! I'm so angry about that!

Both times my wife and I talked to the Harleys, they were extremely helpful. Everybody gets nervous, but they will quickly put you at ease. It is a great opportunity to get guidance from a world-class expert in recovery. The only reason others are listening is because they want to benefit from the advice, too.

Been following your thread, I understand your angry about how your husband has to deal with the after effects of your A. Take that anger and magnify it by 100 and you can begin to understand how your husband feels. Kudos to you for losing your foggy thinking. Don't be nervous about the show be as honest as possible so you get the correct advice on your situation. I am currently a BH and understand how your husband may feel. Ill be listening and rooting for your recovery!