The headhunter I used didn't get me this job, but he redid my resume and sent me out on 4 interviews, and that got me really excited about my job search. I went to the next local job fair and viola!

He has been contacting a number of recruiters in various areas. Is that the same thing as a headhunter?

Writer... my mom has a friend in your state who paid a fee to a man who helped her get hired by the state within 6 months or her money back. Several people she knows have been hired. I'm not sure of the details but I would be willing to gather more info if you have interest. .

As far as UA time-
Just keep trying. Long segments of UA time- even on the weekend are still good!!

Make it your husband's most enjoyable and relaxing time of the week and he will look forward to being with you.

UA time is down to about 4 hours a week, and my H doesn't seem to think that's a problem. I've tried to explain that 4 hours will never be enough to make a difference, but he really doesn't seem to get it. I'm beyond frustrated with his employer and the entire job situation. I don't even want to talk about it anymore. It seems pointless, since nothing ever changes.

At this point, I have to admit that the only reason I'm still here is for the sake of DD5. I can't imagine how much a divorce would upend her world. It breaks my heart to think about it. But after more than 5 years of no progress, I have little hope that things will ever get any better. I guess ultimately, I just have to make a decision as to whether or not I can put up with being in a loveless, passionless marriage for the next 13 years until DD5 is an adult.

"I just have to make a decision as to whether or not I can put up with being in a loveless, passionless marriage for the next 13 years until DD5 is an adult."


Writer, no matter how strong you are, your health will not live up to this plan. You better come up with a different plan.

Update:

After months and months of looking, DH finally got a job offer! It isn't our dream job, but I think it will be a step in the right direction.

It's still in CA, about 3 hours north of where we live now, in a much less populated area. The COL is cheaper, though maybe still not cheap compared to other states. It looks like we should be able to get a 3-bedroom house (we have a condo now) for several hundred a month less than we are paying here. Also, since the town is pretty small (about 40,000 people) and there aren't too many towns in the area, he should have little to no commute, which will cut down on our gas expenses and his commute time (currently, he commutes 20 miles and, with traffic, it takes about an hour each way).

The job pays about the same as he's making now, but it is a sales position, salary plus commission, with full benefits. He will be able to get out of the cubicle he loathes and do something other than customer service. There is no overnight travel required and it sounds like there is room for advancement in this company, whereas his current company hasn't offered him a single promotion in almost 15 years.

We have the weekend to decide, but we will probably go with this. Even though it isn't perfect (it's still in CA, still a relatively high COL, the school district isn't the best, and the town is more isolated than we were hoping for) I think the experience this will give him and the opportunities this could lead to will be beneficial to us in the long run.

In other areas, things are okay. We're doing good on UA time - at least 2-3 dates out of the house a week. EN's are getting met for the most part, with the same struggles in the area of SF that we've had for a few years now. It seems like the ED is here to stay and something we're just going to have to learn to live with. I still don't find our SF completely satisfactory, but my DH is trying to the best of his abilities. We're doing much better on RC (my top need) and better on conversation too, though we still need to find a way to meet this need consistently in a way that is satisfactory to both of us. We tend to have very different interests, so it's hard finding something that we both like to talk about.

I can't say I'm head over heels in love with my DH yet, but my feelings are improving, so I think that's a good sign. I don't feel as withdrawn as before and my DH is making a consistent effort to meet my needs.

Writer-
Sounds promising. Best wishes on the move.
Wondering what your husband's top needs are? (I apologize if you discussed earlier)

Thank you.

If I had to venture a guess (and from what he has said) I would say my husband's top EN's are affection, recreational companionship, conversation, and SF. He isn't really big on MB, but we have talked about EN's and those seem to come up a lot when we talk about them. I'm sure about the affection part. My husband has always been very affectionate, much, much more so than I am. It is a need that I struggle to meet adequately because I really don't like to be touched a lot; I never have. But I do try my best to meet it, because I know it is important to him.

You probably already know this, but I wanted to remind that affection encompasses far more than touch. It CAN be touch, but it can also take the form of acts of caring, too.

From Dr. Harleys writings about the EN of affection:


Here

Yes, that's true. For my husband though, touch seems to be a necessary ingredient in meeting the EN of affection. He likes a lot of physical affection. Not that he wouldn't appreciate some of those other things too, but I don't think he could be happy without the physical aspect of touch.

I wonder if it isn't really the need for SF that is being met here. For a man, it's easy to get those two things confused. With this physical affection, do you think he is wanting more of the feeling that "you desire me" rather than "you care for me" ?

I'm puzzled at your mention of SF, given his problems with it.

I'm puzzled by it too, and I struggle with how to meet it under the circumstances. I know it might seem odd, but just because he "can't" perform doesn't mean he doesn't "want" to perform. I think he still has a need for SF, and misses having that need met, even though circumstances make it difficult to meet that need.

I don't know. I'm not a man, so I don't know how a man with ED feels. And I'm not sure what meeting a man's need for SF would look like if the man cannot achieve an erection or climax. That's what I struggle with and what I'm still trying to figure out.

I think he has a need for both SF and affection. He likes to touch a lot even when we are in situations where SF wouldn't be possible. Like, when we are out in public, maybe waiting in line at a store or something, he will touch my arm, or start rubbing my back, or put his arms around me. He does the same thing at home when I'm doing chores like making dinner or even brushing my teeth. And he loves to hold hands. But this stuff all occurs when SF isn't even on the table because we're out somewhere or our 5-year-old is in the room. So it really does seem more like a need for affection.

Sometimes I don't mind the physical touching. But sometimes, it does annoy me (especially when I'm trying to do something and he puts his arms around me and wants to hold me, making it impossible for me to finish whatever I was in the middle of doing). I think my need for physical affection is just way lower than his, so while he wants to be touching much of the time, I feel smothered and like I really need some space sometimes. I think he's gotten better over the years with respecting the fact that I'm not as touchy-feely as he is and probably never will be, but I do worry about my ability to meet a very big need for physical affection when I don't feel like being touched all the time.

Things are progressing.

We've found a house up in the new town and put down a deposit. Looks like we will be moving in sometime before the end of July.

Only one small issue, DH has to start his new job July 14th, so it looks like he will have to go up there a week or two before we are able to move. He'll have to drive back down the weekend of the move, but I'm feeling a little overwhelmed at the thought of having to do the majority of the packing and moving preparations on my own. I've been having neck problems the past few months and am seeing a chiropractor, so there are physical limitations I'm dealing with which complicate things. We're trying to get as much done as possible before he has to leave this Sunday but I am feeling a little stressed right now.

Has anyone else dealt with a situation where one spouse had to leave sooner than the rest of the family when moving to start a new job? How did you deal with getting everything done?

Are you buying this house, writers? that's really good news if so. I can't remember if any of your older children have been living in your current house. Will any of them be moving with you?

Are you using a removal company? Over here they will do all your packing, for an additional fee. If not, you could pay for this help. If any of your older children are moving with you then they should be helping but if not, and they won't volunteer, there must be teenagers looking for a bit of summer holiday money in your area.

Where will you husband live until you can all move into the house? I would go with him. You should avoid being separated.

The Eurekas had a radio show on that topic (unless I am confusing them with somebody else) and Dr H told them not to separate.

He said they were recovered but that one of them going ahead to a new job was a bad idea and he helped them brainstorm a new solution.

We are actually renting the house, not buying. So we need to work with the property manager as far as a move-in date goes. Until we can have access to the house, my husband will have to stay in a motel.

We called his new place of employment, but they are unable to move back his start date. They are training a group of new employees that week, so they need all of the new hires to start on Monday. Unfortunately, there's just no way the rest of us can move this weekend. If I went up there and stayed with my husband in the motel, there would be no one here to do the packing. We are doing all of it ourselves and then renting a moving truck and driving it up their ourselves too. It's way cheaper that way and our relocation allotment from his new job was only $2500.

One of my adult children are back at home and will be moving with us, so I will have him to help out. But the rest are too far away to help. I'm just worried about getting everything done in time. I still have some of my mom's stuff to go through in the garage. We've sorted through a lot of it (and gotten rid of most of it) but I do still have about half a dozen boxes or so of her things left to go through.

It's not impossible to get a mover though is it? It is simply more expensive.

Why not go on ahead with your H, then both of you come back and do the packing up together the first weekend?