Why would the police lie? In fact, we've called several times and been told the same thing each time, by different people.

And yes, this is the same son, same abode too. He can still get in that way, if he really wants to.

And no, I don't intend to lambast you for anything or to disappear. I've been reading on the site all along. I don't always post, but I do read.

I would agree that it is very strange that your grandmother would have "expected" this from you and your H without making ANY financial provisions for you to care for your mother, knowing that you and your H live in a tiny 2 bedroom apt, already too crowded, and with you guys barely making it.

Years ago my H and I moved in with my MIL temporarily, our thought was to save up a down payment for a house, this was a large house, but still a very stupid decision and a complete disaster! It was very damaging to our relationship with her, as well as other family members.

We had no privacy, constant intrusion and boundary issues, and put a strain on our M, it ended in us leaving on bad terms and H and I deciding to go NC with his entire family for a long time! Looking back at it I can now see it was just as bad for my MIL as it was for us, (we were very young at the time, and I am now very embarrassed by the entire situation) YUCK ! What a horrible decision!

I would not do this in your situation, not only is it a bad decision for your M, but too much of an additional financial burden. What in the world is anyone thinking that she gets $700. a month but would give you guys $300. a month? Are you kidding me? No WAY!

You came here questioning this, what other options are you thinking of?

If she gives us $300 a month towards rent, that would leave her $400 a month to cover co-pays on her medications and special diabetic foods she eats that we don't (such as her morning Glucerna, which she has everyday for breakfast). That seemed fair and reasonable to me.

We aren't really considering any other options. I was just looking for advice on how to make this work. Apparently, it seems most people don't think it can.

I told my husband that about the only way I can see this working long term is if we find a place with mother-in-law quarters or something with two homes on one property, but I don't know how easy that's going to be. It certainly won't happen in our current area since anything like that here would be way out of our price range.

It's going to be tough as long as we have to stay here. The plan right now is for my H and I to keep the master bedroom, 4-year-old keeps her bedroom, and we set up my mother's bed in the corner of our living area that is supposed to serve as the dining room. But no, there won't be much privacy with this arrangement. About the only time my H and I will have alone is when we go out on dates or when we're in our bedroom.

Hey writer, just wanted to give a shout out to a fellow human being with an over-developed guilt complex

Just wondering- if you weren't alive what would your mom do? What do people in her situation end up doing without family to help where you live?

We have subsidized assisted living facilities and enhanced lodges in this part of the world. Really nice facilities. Lots more room and social aspects built in.

I understand where you are coming from. Just saying "no" after years of expectations and unresolved guilt issues would be very very difficult. It just sounds like a two bedroom apartment with 4 adults and a kid would be a crazy-making ( even without the added "mother" complication).

Is there any other solution at all? Is there someone wise in your area you can talk to like a spiritual director to give you support as you work through this?

Have you thought about emailing the Harleys?

Will the apartment complex allow her to move in? Here you would be over the limit for most complexes.

Also, has your DH applied at GMAC Insurance? There are positions he is well qualified for in Winston Salem, NC and Cleveland, OH. Winston is a beautiful area to raise children and Cleveland has a low cost of living. I've lived in both and worked in both.

I don't know what my mom would do if I wasn't around. I've never really thought about it and I doubt she has either.

As far as assisted living facilities go, I don't think my mom would qualify for a subsidy or anything. We couldn't even get my grandmother into a subsidized facility and she was 90, nearly blind, and could barely get out of bed with the assistance of two people. They covered about 3 weeks of nursing home care and then sent her home, where she passed away three days later. My mom is still essentially able to care for herself. She can walk, just not very far. She goes shopping by herself and does okay as long as she has a cart to lean on. She can still drive too. So she is much too independent to qualify for a state-sponsored nursing home.

And as far as the 2-bedroom apartment goes, it is only a temporary situation. We don't intend to stay here forever. We want to move to a bigger place as soon as my husband finds a job in a cheaper area. Around here, 3-bedroom places are just terribly expensive. It's hard to find much under $2000 a month. But we have to sign a new 1-year lease on our current apartment or our rent will shoot up from $1450 a month to $1850 a month. Even with the new lease, our rent will be going up $100 a month. And if my husband finds a job somewhere and we have to move before the new lease is up, we will have to pay a $2000 fee to break the lease.

We can have 5 people here in a 2-bedroom apartment.

I'm not sure where my husband is concentrating his job-search. I know he has applied to some places in South Carolina. He's also applying to places in Oregon, Texas, and Colorado.

Yes, for a number of issues, not just this one. But every time I try to write an email that covers all of the numerous problems, it ends up 10 pages long and I give up.

Whoa Nellie!

A flash of clarity!
This may be one of your biggest issues clogging up your life.
You fail to attack and solve one problem at a time and the list of problems to be solved is so overwhelmingly lengthy that (quote) "I give up".

Am I close?

Edit to add:

That is amazingly similar to the way Dr. Harley treats some problems.

Otherwise, problem-solving is like trying to pick up hundreds of matchsticks off the floor .... using only one hand.

Yes, to all.

I have no idea which "issue" to focus on right now. It feels like so many pressing issues have been dumped on me here lately that it's difficult to filter them.

Anxiety has been a huge problem lately, but I don't know if it is because I have actual anxiety issues or if it is entirely situational and a result of everything else that has been going on.

like trying to pick up hundreds of matchsticks off the floor .... using only one hand. .... and there is a time limit .... and the clock is ticking ...

Writer, darling .....

If you think you must also add other people's problems to your "list" as well .... what is left for you?

Okay, so what is the solution?

In an emergency, what is your #1 priority if you are going to help anyone else?

Help myself first?

Pretty much.
If you are injured/weak/wounded/hurt/bleeding/crazy/anxious/dippy-do-dah .... you cannot help others.

Want me to choose one?
OK Happy to oblige.
I choose



If you can convince me that bringing your mother into your small apartment will help you work on that priority ... then I'm a monkey's auntie.