Okay, I'm looking for some specific advice from people who have lived with parents or in-laws.

My grandmother passed away last month and now my mother, who was living with my grandmother, will be moving in with us in May. This is probably a permanent situation, since my mom is disabled and has never lived on her own.

For awhile, we will all be living in our 2-bedroom apartment, but we're hoping to find a bigger place within the next year.

My biggest concern is privacy and still getting in that UA time. Date nights might be easier since my mom can baby sit, but privacy and UA time when we're at home might be more problematic.

Has anyone else had to deal with this situation? How did you handle getting enough alone time with your spouse?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Not sure if Dr. Harley has addressed this issue, but I'd love to read/listen to what he has to say about the topic as well.

Yup they've discussed it a few times.

Radio Clip on living with family
Radio Clip
Radio Clip
Radio Clip

Did you and DH POJA this?

Another Radio Clip

DH isn't really into MB, so we don't actually POJA.

We've talked about it though. He seems fine with it. I'm the one having reservations.

Thanks! I was hoping you would post some clips. I'm going to try to listen to these tomorrow.

You're welcome.

Some more.
Radio Clip on Family Members living with them
Segment #2

Radio Clip of Brother Living with Them
Segment #2

Okay, I've listened to several.

Of course, none of the situations are the same as ours, so it's difficult to make comparisons.

I'm not really getting a sense of how the Harley's view this issue though. In the case of the young married couple living with the husband's mother who was very abusive towards her daughter-in-law, they were obviously against it and advised the daughter-in-law to leave. But I'm not sure how they feel about the subject of living with relatives in general.

Hey writer,

I've been there done that. My father had a serious accident which exacerbated his COPD and basically ended up on 24hour oxygen and in a wheelchair and lived with us for 7 months or so while he did rehab and recovered to the point he was able. My children were 2, 7 and 9 at the time. It was a VERY VERY hard time. My husband didn't feel like he could be comfortable in his own house as my dad was not a good patient and he had the type of injury my hubby deals with. At the same time, he knew that he couldn't live alone at first.. It was not a great situation. I wouldn't recommend it except on a temporary basis.

As soon as we could, we moved him into a small house that was in our town. I arranged for meals on wheels to come each day so that I knew he would have a least one hot meal. Many times throughout the next 5 years, medicare paid for either therapy to come to his house or a nurse to come once a week and check him. We found a lady at my church that came and cleaned his house once a week. The kids and I would come on Sunday and take him to church. There was also one day a week where I dropped off the boys at piano ( there lessons were an hour each and they brought schoolwork to do while the other one practiced) and dad and I ran to Walmart. ( My dad wasn't ever able to drive again and was permananently in a wheelchair.) Many weeks I also had to take him to the doctor.

It was very hard to take care of my dad and raise my children those 5 years. After the first year, he was strong enough to babysit and that was nice. The house was possible because he turned 65 that first year he was with me and so he got social security along with some disablility from his job and together that paid for his basic expenses of rent, groceries and medicine. Although I was hard, having him in his own house was MUCH MUCH better than his living with us. Is there any chance that might be an option?

I'd be happy to answer any other questions. It was a tightrope those years: trying to take care of my father and fufill my responsibilities and yet still make my own family a priority.

I doubt she can afford to live alone....writer and her dh have a very difficult time financially due to the high cost of living there.

Ouch. What a challenging situation. I don't recommend at all taking your mother in for any length of time beyond a couple of weeks until you can locate a place that will work for you as a married couple. You will have little to no privacy, and you will be meeting a lot of her physical needs, leaving little energy for you to meet the needs of your H and your own marital relationship.

Is there anyone else in your family who can take in your mother? Someone with space in their home or is single?

Is there any money in the estate that would enable your mother to stay in her own home or transfer to a room in someone's home who can also care for her.

How about having someone move in with her and have a place to live in exchange for caring for her?

Have you looked into what she received for SS and any other income? Can you check with social services in your area?

Taking your mother in is very noble, but it's also at great sacrifice to your own marriage and privacy.

There are so many possibilities beyond you and your H physically taking her in. Ask around and find out what other people are doing to handle this.

The mother of a friend of mine in the Los Angeles area still owned her home after her husband died but developed Alzheimers in the past few years. Her grandson needed a place to stay while trying to build his music career. In exchange for a place to stay, he cared for her. As her health declined and his career progressed, they hired a caregiver to give him days off. It's not ideal, she says, but it works out the best for everyone.

Find something that will work out in the favor of your marriage and don't give up your privacy.

LongWayHome has some great advice, some of which I was about to say. Is there anyone else in your family that can do it? Didn't know about the high cost of living. My dad got a small 2 bed house for 450 a month in rent around here.

Writer I don't know your story but just wanted to point out that your DH does not need to be into MB for the two of you to use the POJA. All he needs is to know that it is safe to be honest. Best to start with small stuff so that he sees how it works. Don't talk about MB, just start doing it!

Thank you for all of the advice.

I've kind of known this was coming for years. My mom has been telling me for a long time now that she would be living with us after my grandmother was gone. My mom lived with my grandmother basically her entire life. I grew up in my grandmother's house with my mother. My mother never married and has never lived alone.

The money situation is complicated. Yes, it is expensive to live here. We pay $1550 a month for a 2-bedroom apartment, no utilities included. You can find senior housing a little cheaper, but not much, and my mom only gets $700 a month disability. Once she qualifies for SS, her payment will just switch over to that, but it won't go up and she can't get the SS and disability together. However, she will have some money from the sale of my grandmother's house (I don't know how much, but the $ will be split between her and my uncle equally).

I think the main issue is that my mom really would never agree to live alone. There isn't really much other family either, just me and my kids. None of my kids are in a position to help her. My daughter lives in Colorado, goes to school full time, and works 3 jobs. My two sons live here, share a small apartment, go to school, and work full time as well.

My husband is the one who says he's fine with my mom living with us permanently (and it would be for the rest of her life). I'm the one who is having minor panic attacks at the idea. I have tried to discuss my feelings with him, but I don't feel like I'm getting very far. It usually just ends up in an argument like so many of our discussions tend to do.

The lack of privacy is my biggest concern. It's going to really be an issue while we're all living here in our tiny apartment. That part might get better once we find a bigger place. But I think finding time alone together is going to be the biggest problem.

Do not agree to this. You don't want this. Don't agree to this.

You said she is disabled. What is her disability?

If you took her in permanently, will she be paying you most of her SS check to assist your effort to move into a larger home?

There were more ideas offered than having your mother live alone.

I already did, sort of inadvertently, a long time ago.

It's sort of been an expectation that my mother would be my responsibility after my grandmother was gone. I've been told that most of my life.

She's been diabetic for a long time and because she didn't take care of herself, she now has some kidney damage and other issues. Also, my mother has been overweight most of her life and has very bad knees. She can only walk short distances, and even then she is very slow and unsteady. Most of the time, she rides in a wheelchair. And she has high blood pressure and suffered a minor stroke last summer.

She will be giving us some money to help with expenses (about $300 a month).

Yes, there were other options offered. I just don't know how my mom would feel about them. It's complicated, but she's a very difficult person to talk to and I'm afraid to bring anything up that is different from what she has been expecting to happen for a very long time.

I totally agree. Regardless of your husband's position, you do not want this. Don't do it.

AM