Correct. It doesn't make any difference. A lie is a lie is a lie. As far as you know. You are trusting her to have told you the whole truth. Like you trusted her to be faithful to you. Do you understand yet "why" she did it? Please tell me that you aren't sitting back and waiting for some profound psychological reason behind her decision to cheat on you. BECAUSE THERE ISN'T ONE.

Opie, you might know your wife, but you don't know waywards. WE DO. Your wife had to deceive you in order to have an affair. Whether she did that via an outright lie or a smoke signal or a lie of ommission, she was deceptive. And you don't know if she would have confessed. If she were really honest she wouldn't have been sneaking around having an affair in the first place.

And we know why she had the affair. I explained that in my previous post. It is no great secret. She has poor boundaries and lives a wild, singles lifestyle. AND her husband travels. Those are all the reasons she had the affair. Change the environment and you will change your marriage.

MelodyLane, maritalbliss, and fifteenyears.... thanks once again. You all are making valid points and your advice is really helpful.

I have dated a lot, I have been in a lot of relationships, before I met my future and quite likely soon ex wife. I am not naive, I know relationships and the dynamics behind them. And just like my wife gets hit on by a lot of men, I get hit on by a lot of women.... both single and married.

When we were still dating I was a victim of sexual harassment in my previous job where a my 36 year old married superviser was pursuing me very aggressively. It wasn't unusual get a text message from her at 2 AM and most of them weren't PG rated. I am in a pretty much similar situation right now but not as severe. But I am though dude so I can handle it.

MelodyLane.... you are right that I don't know much about waywards but I am not a virgin anymore either, although it isn't my choice. I agree with everything else you said.

Maritalbliss.... as far a polygraph test is concerned she is ready to take it at any time. As a matter of fact she suggested it on D-day herself when I asked her why I would believe anything she was telling me. I doubt she is hiding anything but lets assume that we take this road.... what questions would I ask? The only one which comes to my mind is asking her if it was her first time she cheated on me.

I am not really waiting for some profound psychological reason behind her decision to cheat on me. Just like you said.... she cheated because she COULD and WANTED. I just don't understand why she would risk everything. Perhaps she just doesn't value our marriage as much as she says.

Fifteenyears.... very interesting inside. Just to clear one thing.... she told her mother and sister herself. Her father learned the news from her mother. They love me like their own son and I have a great relationship with her sister. They all are devasteted by what happend.

There is never a good answer to why.

Though I still say best to polygraph a WS.

Harley's say there are reasons but no excuses. Have you figured out what you need to improve on? It will help you become a better person no matter the outcome.

That would be a very good question to ask opiel.

Betrayal is very hurtful and devastating. Pride runs deep. Everyone who is posting to you has been there and understands it with first hand experience.

You wife is one of the few who seems to be remorseful and wants to make amends. MB can give you the path to overcome the betrayal and emerge with an even stronger marriage full of romantic love and affair proofed by boundaries.

I don't know what field you are in...but it sounds like your marriage is attacked from all directions. You yourself may not be as safe as you believe. Women normally flirt with men who flirt back. Check your own side of the street. OK?

Here.
Polygraph Testing

Being a tough dude who can handle it is not going to cut it here. What have you done to stop it?

Why would a woman be pursuing you totally uninvited?

TheRoad.... you are right saying that there is no good answer.

Interesting thing is that my wife doesn't refer to what happened as an affair. She said it was more like "whoring around" than affair (she isn't a vulgar person but this is the phrase she used). According to her an affair is something that one would enjoy and despite admitting sexual attraction toward OM and being infatuated with the whole situation, she didn't like the experience much. Perhaps that was the reason why it was so easy for her to walk away from it.

As far as polygraph is concerned, like I said before, the only sensible question which comes to my mind is asking if it was really her first time. What other questions should I ask?

TranquilDark.... she isn't trying to make any excuses for what happened. Actually, she is very critical of herself.

There are lot of things we would need to change on both sides. The more I think about it, the more I agree with those posters who said that we didn't have any bondaries in our marriage and how important they are. We both were convinced that we could handle "close call" situations and today we are where we are.

We are good people.... there are good people who cheated and there are bad people who never cheated.

Pokerface.... my wife is genuinely remorseful and wants to make our marriage work. She realy does. Actually, she tends to believe that even if I decide to divorce her, assuming that I stay in Chicago, we will likely get back together again.

You are definitively right that our marriage has been attacked from all directions. We foolishly believed we could handle it.

I don't flirt with women. In case of my previous superviser I blame myself for going to lunch with her a few times. It was shortly after I started working there and I was under impression that she wanted to get to know me a bit as a person. Other than that we had a coffee a few times at our work place and that was all. I wasn't telling her how hot she was or anything like this. But I have to admit she was a beautiful woman.... if you take a look at pictures of J. K. Rowling from 10 years ago and you will have almost a carbon copy of her.

Watch this 30 minute video.

Link to video

Well, it appears that with each passing day since D-day I am getting closer to just pulling the plug on my marriage.

When I think about my wife's "whoring adventures" I begin to realise how little I really know her after 5 years we spent together. By her own admission she was a happily married woman but in the end it wasn't enough to prevent her from cheating on me. I still shake my head in a total disbelife how selfish and thoughtless she can sometimes be.

A few days ago she told me something what I found a bit funny but also quite puzzling. She thinks that even if I decide to divorce her, we will eventually get back to gether again. According to her, each of us will likely go through one or two rebound relationships but sooner or later we will run into one another again, and when we do it will be very hard to resist falling for one another again. She thinks there is too much attraction and feeling between us.

I told her not to get her hopes too high. If we indeed get divorced it will be all said and done for me.... absolutely no chance of ever getting back together.

However, the more I think about that, the more I am getting an impression that deep down she was assuming that even if she would somehow get caught cheating she would still get a second chance. Am I imagining things here?

Opiel,

According to her, each of us will likely go through one or two rebound relationships but sooner or later we will run into one another again, and when we do it will be very hard to resist falling for one another again. She thinks there is too much attraction and feeling between us.

Wow what a cute redefinition of "cake eating" as some romantic fantasy.

God Bless
Gamma

Tell us what you have been doing in these post D-Days. IMO, you are too early into this to be making a decision about ending your marriage if you have any desire to save it (and no one would blame you if you chose not to), but I'd like to hear what you've done to affair-proof your marriage. What have you done? Has her phone number been changed?

This is her Taker talking. Her Taker was in full control during her affair. She doesn't seem to understand the injury she has caused to you. Again, what have you done to affair-proof your marriage? Have you been at home since D-Day, or are you still travelling?

No, I don't think you're imagining things. She's been engaging in independent behavior for a long time, always knowing you're there in the background. She's still picturing you there, in the background.

You need to immediately end your travelling job if you're interested in saving this marriage. Have you done so?

Gamma, right now she is just a desperate woman who foolishly gambled and lost everything.

Maritalbliss,

Tell us what you have been doing in these post D-Days. IMO, you are too early into this to be making a decision about ending your marriage if you have any desire to save it (and no one would blame you if you chose not to), but I'd like to hear what you've done to affair-proof your marriage. What have you done? Has her phone number been changed?

I have been working from the main office here in Chicago since D-day - slow time of the year. She said she would do anything I would ask her to do including taking polygraph test but I didn't ask for anything since I don't see myself staying married to her.... it is a matter of self-respect.

I am flying to Copenhagen tomorrow night to visit my family for a few days.

This is her Taker talking. Her Taker was in full control during her affair. She doesn't seem to understand the injury she has caused to you. Again, what have you done to affair-proof your marriage? Have you been at home since D-Day, or are you still travelling?

I think she has already realised how many people she has hurt.... not just me. Her sister came to visit us last night. They have been always very close so my wife takes her bery seriously. She is 39, a genuinly good, educated woman who is about to go through her second divorce. She told my wife something like this.... girl, you have no f**king idea how much worse your next marriage is going to be compared to this one.

No, I don't think you're imagining things. She's been engaging in independent behavior for a long time, always knowing you're there in the background. She's still picturing you there, in the background.

Quite likely that it might have been the case.... but not anymore. She is fully aware that our marriage is just inches away from a divorce court.

You guys are not together right now? When will you be back together?

We still live together but it has been rather quitet lately. She tried to initiate sex a few times after the D-day but I turned her down. I have to admit that it was hard thing to do.... my wife is such a beautiful woman.