|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
Not saying this is good or bad, but what we are planning to do isn't all that unusual from a global perspective. Even lots of families in the U.S. do it. If your marriage was in tip-top shape, I don't think the warnings not to move on this idea would be so obviously in the majority. If you were not so anxious and overwhelmed with current other problems, I think I'd say "Go for it.". But the fact is, you may not be able to handle this. Your M may not thrive under the conditions for which you are volunteering. But, you are going to do this anyway. or, so it seems. What is your plan if you become hopelessly unhappy with the arrangement?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
At 4 years old, I don't feel comfortable locking her out of our room at night. She would probably just stand there and pound on the door until she woke us up anyway. That's better than having her walk in on you two naked.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 231
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 231 |
My question exactly! What is plan B...just in case? I am worried if you don't have one it could end in PLAN D!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,803
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,803 |
My question exactly! What is plan B...just in case? I am worried if you don't have one it could end in PLAN D! Yes, we need a Plan B. Something to discuss over the weekend.
Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,803
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,803 |
At 4 years old, I don't feel comfortable locking her out of our room at night. She would probably just stand there and pound on the door until she woke us up anyway. That's better than having her walk in on you two naked. You must have missed the part about the fact that my H and I don't have SF anymore. We haven't really for a couple of years. H is dealing with ED and impotence. So, no chance of her walking in on much.
Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 231
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 231 |
I know you have discussed this before....has he been to the Dr. for a complete exam? You mentioned he is 44 TOO young I would be very concerned!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,389
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,389 |
Writer, there is nothing wrong with living with extended family - we are doing the same, and I grew up in the same. The thing is, that if the home is not stable and the marriage is rocky, then it's just adding to the pile of misery and often it is the tipping point.
For cultures that do this despite marital tension, I'd like to remind you that those are also cultures that often come from an unconditional marriage situation. They just suck it up and deals with it, even in misery, that's not what Marriage Builders recommends. I grew up in that - it's terrible.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,803
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,803 |
I know you have discussed this before....has he been to the Dr. for a complete exam? You mentioned he is 44 TOO young I would be very concerned! Yes. They tested his testosterone levels and they were on the low end of normal, but still within normal range. Heart, cholesterol, and blood pressure all looked good and no diabetes. Doctor recommended exercising more and losing a little weight, but my H is probably only 15-20 lbs. overweight, so nowhere close to obese. He does have a desk job so he doesn't get as much exercise as he should. We do walk/hike a lot. The doctor gave him a prescription for Viagra, but they cost about $24 per pill and they aren't covered by insurance, so we can't afford to do that.
Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 746
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 746 |
Writer for comparison I am call center back office support and my official salary is high 30's. I've lived in the Triad of NC and Cleveland, OH on my salary. DH makes upper 20's in his jobs here.
Our rent for a 3 bedroom/2 bath heated garage house with 2 acres here in Cleveland is $1000, they can be had for far less, but we needed the land for my horses. Our rent in NC for a 3 bed/2 bath, no garage house that was comparable to my current house in size and land was $850. Also, in NC I rented an inlaws quarters apartment for $550 and the main house rented for $1800. THAT giant house is for sale, and it's an oddity and a behomoth that isn't selling and could be had quite cheaply if someone wanted a scottish cabin. LOL
I can't imagine making what your DH makes in a call center out here!
Me: 30
Him: 39
Together 5 years
Married the very best man in the world 04/06/2013 after being common law for too long. I'm a lucky woman.
7 Cats - Viscount Ashley of Leftfield, Pawkie Petunia, The Timinator, Leo the Lionheart, Fruit Snack, Cloud, and Barret
And our very lucky pony, Starbucks
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449 |
Have you thought about emailing the Harleys? Yes, for a number of issues, not just this one. But every time I try to write an email that covers all of the numerous problems, it ends up 10 pages long and I give up. Is it possible that you don't want to hear it if Dr Harley was to tell you this would be a horrible decision for your M? Because I can't understand your reasoning for not writing him for guidance on this issue, especially given the numerous emphatic responses you have gotten telling you not to do it.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,389
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,389 |
I would agree with the assessment of 'floating along' and letting life happen. 3 years since you've registered and you/your husband still do not use POJA. Becoming a caretaker to someone in a crippled marriage, you do not even need MB to know that this is an utter disaster. And as I said earlier, those of us growing up in cultures where this is common, the other side of the coin is that marriage is unconditional and if your marriage is miserable, you put up and shut up. So, don't gloss over that side of it. Is that what you want foryour marriage?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,803
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,803 |
Writer for comparison I am call center back office support and my official salary is high 30's. I've lived in the Triad of NC and Cleveland, OH on my salary. DH makes upper 20's in his jobs here.
I can't imagine making what your DH makes in a call center out here! His salary is higher because we live in a VERY high cost of living area and because his official title is customer care specialist, so a little higher than just a customer service representative. The reason he went back to school is to try to get out of customer service though, because it really isn't a very high-paying field.
Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,803
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,803 |
Have you thought about emailing the Harleys? Yes, for a number of issues, not just this one. But every time I try to write an email that covers all of the numerous problems, it ends up 10 pages long and I give up. Is it possible that you don't want to hear it if Dr Harley was to tell you this would be a horrible decision for your M? Because I can't understand your reasoning for not writing him for guidance on this issue, especially given the numerous emphatic responses you have gotten telling you not to do it. No, but this really is already a done deal. My grandmother's house is in escrow. My mom has to be out within 5 weeks. She will likely be moving in with us even sooner than that though. We're committed to giving this a try. If it ends up not working out, then we will have to reconsider and go from there. I was more looking for advice on the best way to make this kind of situation work, but most people here just think it can't. Guess we'll have to wait and see.
Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 231
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 231 |
Did you and H have a chance to talk this weekend about another plan if it doesn't work out?
Have you guys sat down with your mom to talk about expectations from each other? If not I would BEFORE she arrives.
I keep thinking of that saying that money problems are never solved with money. I am just concerned that maybe more money won't solve all the problems.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 5,123 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 5,123 Likes: 1 |
Any particular reason your mother can't go to a nearby assisted lviing facility while you and your H arrange a better home situation for all of you to be in?
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,803
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,803 |
Any particular reason your mother can't go to a nearby assisted lviing facility while you and your H arrange a better home situation for all of you to be in? Money mostly. Those places are extremely expensive. She will have some money from the sale of my grandmother's house, but not THAT much money.
Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 746
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 746 |
Writer for comparison I am call center back office support and my official salary is high 30's. I've lived in the Triad of NC and Cleveland, OH on my salary. DH makes upper 20's in his jobs here.
I can't imagine making what your DH makes in a call center out here! His salary is higher because we live in a VERY high cost of living area and because his official title is customer care specialist, so a little higher than just a customer service representative. The reason he went back to school is to try to get out of customer service though, because it really isn't a very high-paying field. I'm a Customer Support Specialist III/Sr Billing, so your DH and I are probably comparable in the food chain. Good luck with having your mom move in and your DH's job hunt. Moving is expensive, too. It cost us about $7000 to move from NC to OH this year.
Me: 30
Him: 39
Together 5 years
Married the very best man in the world 04/06/2013 after being common law for too long. I'm a lucky woman.
7 Cats - Viscount Ashley of Leftfield, Pawkie Petunia, The Timinator, Leo the Lionheart, Fruit Snack, Cloud, and Barret
And our very lucky pony, Starbucks
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 5,123 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 5,123 Likes: 1 |
Any particular reason your mother can't go to a nearby assisted lviing facility while you and your H arrange a better home situation for all of you to be in? Money mostly. Those places are extremely expensive. She will have some money from the sale of my grandmother's house, but not THAT much money. R/T age and illness, she should likely qualify for disability and/or medicaid/medicare; these will pay for the facility costs as well as medications etc. Though, I cannot lie; dealing with government health is a PITA.
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352 |
I was more looking for advice on the best way to make this kind of situation work, but most people here just think it can't.
I was looking for advice on how best to perform DIY heart bypass surgery, and the mean old correspondents keep telling me not to!
Ya just can't trust those slippery MBers to provide exactly the desired feedback, can you?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,803
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,803 |
I was more looking for advice on the best way to make this kind of situation work, but most people here just think it can't.
I was looking for advice on how best to perform DIY heart bypass surgery, and the mean old correspondents keep telling me not to!
Ya just can't trust those slippery MBers to provide exactly the desired feedback, can you? Well, since I have already committed to doing this, I'm looking for advice on how to make the most of the situation, such as it is. If you can't offer any, that's fine. Someone else might be able to.
Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
490
guests, and
50
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
