SD: Fifteenyears' (or, affectionately, XVY's) thread is a great read for someone in your shoes. I'd also direct you to locate BlackViolet's and DoroM's thread, which all were active about the same time.

There is HOPE for you. More importantly there is WORK for you to do. Over and over, some obnoxious poster would "jab" these ladies with a question like, "What did you do TODAY to show your BH that you are not now, and can never be again, the person that hurt him so badly?" And these three ladies WORKED at their tasks.

I know you were reading BV's thread and fifteenyears is a good example.

Here is another.
DoroM's Thread
And fifteenyears's threads.

Fifteenyears's First Thread
Fifteenyears's "Oh the Irony" Thread

FIfteen years,

Did you husband ever file for D? I know that you two separated, but was the paperwork ever filed?

I've been thinking about it, and I wonder if he is growing indifferent. I still see anger, but I don't know that he cares about me. I honestly don't think he will care if I have better boundaries. He's told me such. The hardest part is not seeing him regularly to gage how he is feeling.

I think the difference between me and Doro is that her H was willing to work on things.

I read BV and I didn't see the outcome of hers. I wonder if they ultimately got back together. It looked like they were heading that way, but she stopped replying.

My fear is that because we went through the R last year already that H has decided he just can't do it. I did everything here in a way. We called OM together, I changed my wardrobe, my friends, didn't go out anymore, gave him access to my accounts (until he filed for D the first time and I had to keep lawyer stuff confidential), and kept him in the loop about everything I was doing. We really were doing ok for a while, until he saw the other man. Then in December, when he told me he was filing, I should have insisted that he stay. I told him he didn't have to go, but he only remembers me saying that I wasn't comfortable.

I guess I am looking forward to talking to the Harley's today. I didn't bother asking my H to write anything since we have had one hell of a week and I thought it would just be another trigger for him. I need to know what actions I have left. All I can think is that time and showing my love is all I can do. He just seems so dead set on D. He doesn't even want to be my friend.

Also, I noticed that we are supposed to spend 15 hours a week together. How is that even possible if we are not together

Just went on the air. Feel like I need to send the link to my H. I really hope he contacts Dr Harley. He is a counselor and may not like the idea of a radio Dr. But I think he would listen.

Ok, I wanted to edit the last post but can't figure out how... I am ready to take a step toward him now. The Harley's asked me to let him listen to the radio show today and it sounds like they think the most important part is to get him on board. I'm a little nervous to send it to him. But as 15 years has said, "what do you have to lose?"

Here is the email I wrote to my H to ask him to listen:

H,

I know where you are with this and I am respectful of you in that space.

However, I want to share with you a website that I have been reading to learn about the effects of what I've done and how to be a better person, mother, and wife. Please, take some time to look over it.

Also, I would ask that you listen to the radio show this weekend on the "Listen Now" Free link. I think you will find the info on the radio show very interesting this weekend and you can listen to it anytime until Monday.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com

With all my love,
SD

Feedback?

Your email doesn't make it clear that YOU were on the radio show. If he listens to it...he's gonna know anyway so might as well be upfront about it.

I think it's OK otherwise.

Might add..."even if we never get back together I still hope to earn your forgiveness."

SD,

Nice job on sending him an email with the link. I do think you might want to shoot him a heads up on the fact that it was you on the radio.

As far as the 15 hours go, I had the same struggle. It is nearly impossible if you are not living together and adding the fact that he does not want to see you (my H was the same way). Just little things every day to try to show him, even if he is not always there to see.


SD to address and answer some of your questions. My H did ever actually file. But we did go through something similar in the living together situation. Two weeks after my A ended H told me he wanted me back home (he kicked me out the day he found out). This was in mid November.

Like your H he seemed on board with recovery. We were going to MC, I was back at home, I was doing everything you mentioned in your post above. He however was once again just trying to bury the pain vs. dealing with it.

Another mountain in the way of our recovery was that one of the ways in which he dealt with it was starting his own affair in early December. This did not help and he became more withdrawn and right after we went on a family ski trip over Christmas break, he moved out.

Your H may be indifferent or growing indifferent. It is hard for me or anyone to say. My H came back home and was living here two months before he confessed to me that his wall was so high that he had become indifferent. To the point that he didn't care if he lived or died.

As Mr. Wondering told you and also told me as well, you have to look at this situation with no expectations of getting back together again. If everything you do is centered around "I wonder if this will bring him back" or "If I show him this or tell him this, will he then see that I am on board with our marriage." This is a lot easier said than done and I would be lying if I said that I did not think those same thoughts all of the time.

Your goals have to be about you and the changes that you are going to make, no matter the outcome. To continue to see what you can do for your H but understand and except if he says nothing. Keeping your eyes open however for any and every chance you get to show him that you are changing, but realize that it may be to little to late, and continue changing anyway.

I do know how hopeless you feel. I felt just like you last year.
But now I can look on my situation and yours with hindsight and try to help you through it no matter what the end result may be.

I am getting ready to listen to the show and hear what you have to say. Again, I am proud of you for sending the link to your H. I wouldn't bug him about it but if you get a chance to bring it up without making him uncomfortable, I would.

This morning I went to my H to get my DD bike. He was very pleasant. We had coffee and I hung out for about an 1.5 hour. We didn't talk about the A at all. Just pleasant talk. I invited him to Easter brunch at our church tomorrow. He said he would probably go!! I am so happy! I know it might mean nothing. But he doesn't have to talk to me and he doesn't have to go but he is choosing to go.

I am holding off on the email for a couple more days since we had such a pleasant interaction. I think he may be able to hear the program a little more openly if I give him some time to see how I have changed.

SD,

Good you got some UA time in and the A was not brought up. Also, very good that your H decided to go.

I know you want to hold off on the email (I assumed you already sent it) and that is your choice but I don't understand why? It is an additional way that you can show your H you are changing and introduce him to MB.

Again, worst case scenario he refuses to listen or says he doesn't care. That doesn't necessarily mean he wont listen or he doesn't care. Plant the seed...WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO LOSE????

BTW,

Happy Easter to you and no matter how tomorrow turns out, know that we are here for you.

If H does go tomorrow keep the conversation light, pleasant, and try to deposit love units even if he seems unwilling to except.

SD, I'm not trying to be glib, but my best (only worthwhile?) contributions come in the form of analogies. I have used this one before.....

Did you ever see the movie Princess Bride? Your situation is similar to the one that Wesley relates about his early period of captivity by "Dread Pirate Roberts". Every evening after he had made himself very useful about the ship, forestalling his death-sentence, the pirate would tell him, "You had a good day today, Wesley. I may kill you tomorrow, but you had a good day today!"

Every day you "have a good day", and do not receive the death (of your marriage) sentence, you have to count it as one more day toward a positive resolution. Each day (seven make a week), each week (four make a month), each month (twelve make a year), all add up to your achieving, as Wesley desired and achieved, a return to true love.

Happy Easter, kiddo.

Well, thank you all. But it appears I did something pretty stupid.

We had a nice morning. We he went to leave the service I walked out with him. We talked. I asked him to get together soon and he said no. Then he brought up the A. I told him all the EPs I had worked on to save our marriage. He said, "I don't want them. I don't want you. It's over." I left the church after him and drove home. I saw him on the way and called him. He said, "if you don't leave me alone I will call the police."

At least I put it out there what I was willing to do. I feel like I allowed myself to be vulnerable and poured my heart out to him. It doesn't change anything for him. In fact, I think I might have even damaged us further by telling him how I feel. He just wanted a nice morning for our daughter. He didn't do this for me and told me so. Now he doesn't want to speak to me. My daughter is upset, I am upset, and it's all my fault.

I think he is being clear here. He is done. There is no salvation for our marriage for him. I am living in a fantasy land. I want to believe we can heal. I know I would be willing. But I think I may have to accept my grieving process now. I cannot make him love me. I can only hope that I can repair the damage I did today so that he will at least want to be around me some of the time for our daughter's sake.

SD,

Your H may be done, neither you or I know for sure of. You have to remember he is on defensive/protective mode. He let his guard down and realized it. Think of a turtle, he came out of his shell, it scared him and he jumped back in.

My question is, what did you do wrong by talking to himand telling him what you are doing to better yourself? If you have disclosed everything about your A to him, he should not continue to use that as leverage and throw that in your face. My H did that A LOT until I finally told him that I was moving fwd. I told him that I would not and could not ever downplay the damage I did but wallowing in was not healthy for either of us.

You did nothing wrong and your H's reaction is typical of a BS.

So the question is, are you going to give up or continue to give it your all, no matter what the outcome is?

Fifteen years, you are always a glass of fresh water. Thank you for your support.

I think I tend to come on really strong and you are right, it scared him. His words are just so clear but when I look at his Facebook page he still posts lovelorn songs. He is a musician and always speaks in song. He is currently recording a whole album on which ever song is about me. They aren't all good-- most are sad.

He still brings up the A when we talk. I've told him to stop-- he doesn't. I like your response and hope I have to courage to respond in a similar way.

I really don't want to give up and I don't regret telling him all that I will do. At least he knows how I feel and I gave my heart. I don't really mind being vulnerable, I just mind that my energy gets so spent. I need to regain my energy and take care of myself if I am to continue. I am too attached to the outcome right now.

How do you keep trying without being attached to the outcome?

Hey, just gonna jump in.

One thing I learned is that the right things to do are just that. How someone else reacts, you have no control over. But you do control doing the right things. Seems like that is what you are doing.

Adjust the "outcome" you seek.


I don't know how religious you are or aren't, but on this Easter Sunday it might be a time to investigate your beliefs and, perhaps, research the word "repentance".

True repentance is a gift. It will eventually free you from guilt and shame and, perhaps, allow you to blossom into the fun loving spirit that your husband fell in love years ago. You and he share a history and share children so it's quite likely in time he'll give you another shot. You may even need to divorce first...amicably... and reunite later on equal footing (versus the perceived obligation to try for the kids/family). Then again, he may never come back to you, but, with planning and action, you'll end up blossoming either way.

This is where your life and your choices have planted you...bloom where you are planted. His choices can't stop you from blooming and becoming anything you want to be.


Mr. Wondering

p.s. - in the short term....AGREE with him. Then drag your feet a bit through the divorce process and keep trying to be friendly, demonstrate actions consistent with repentance, be repentant, and hope you can make enough love bank deposits in the next two years that HE'LL change his mind. You may have to endure divorce. You may have to endure him dating (he may be dating NOW). None of that effects YOUR plan, your gift of repentance, your blooming.

I have to agree with you. This has to move much more slowly if he is to ever respond. I also have to let go to some degree. It's just not healthy for me to keep pushing all the time. I have to learn what it means to let go with love. I am pretty sure he is interested in someone which may be slowing his reactions.

Speaking of blooming. When we went to the service yesterday it was about love and blooming. We all took flowers that were blessed with love. He took a flower that blooms in our yard. He came to get our DD last night and mentioned that those flowers were blooming in the yard now. I know its no big deal. I just thought it was interesting that he would bring it up with all the symbolism surrounding it and after what we went through yesterday. I just didn't say anything and let it be.

I am pretty sure he is interested in someone...

This line cannot be casually posted, as in "I am pretty sure there is a puff adder in DD's bedroom....."

If there is a RA being pursued by BH, whether or not it started before or after your own infidelity, we would have very little sympathy for his position, and neither should you.

Like it or not, you should remember that until the two of you are DIVORCED, you are MARRIED - fully and totally. How you can get him to understand that, short of his coming here, is obviously a problem. But it does NOT change the principle.