SD, one thing that Dr. H said to me when I was a caller on his show (after broken moved out the first time when his father passed away), was to not pursue, but to let my H choose me.

This is difficult as it requires that relinquishing of control. As has been said, you can't control his choices and actions, only yours. As Mr. W said, you adjust your outcome. I don't think anyone cares enough to try for anything if they are not vested in the outcome, or at least we wouldn't give it our best effort. So you focus on making yourself the best SD you can be. You make yourself the most attractive option for him. When he asked you to marry him in the beginning, he didn't choose you because you were pushy, clingy, needy, etc.

By making yourself the most attractive option for him, I am not saying to make changes in yourself that are only for him. One thing that a WS who wants to truly become a FWS must understand is that we have to repair what was wrong with us that led us to cheat in the first place. We have to find our weaknesses and shore them up. Knowing that the proximate cause of adultery is not unmet needs but poor personal boundaries, you work on your personal boundaries for you. Yes, new and improved personal boundaries are a benefit to your BH as well, should he choose to recover with you, but even if you divorce and are facing life as a single mom, reinforced personal boundaries are good for you as well as your daughter.

Even though broken and I are separated, I am still married, so I maintain my boundaries as a way to disallow other men from making deposits in my LB$, but even once divorce is final, I don't want to have zero personal boundaries and just let anyone make deposits in my LB$. I realize I am vulnerable to admiration, affection, and intimate conversation, so I do not want to allow deposits from just anyone - that was me as a teenager and young woman, and just look how well that worked out for me?? Not only am I concerned about finding a partner who will be healthy for me, I am a mother and must be concerned about any potential partner's role in their lives. I have no interest in remarrying, certainly not while they are young, but I also don't have any interest in spending the next 10 years as a nun, either.

I'm rambling, I know...just, I know where you are at, I understand how you feel and how hard it is to relinquish any semblance of control. He may be done, he may not. Likely he doesn't even know himself, and if he *is* interested in anyone else then that creates a whole other set of issues.

((( WPG )))

How do you keep trying without being attached to the outcome

SD,

This is a great question and probably the hardest part of this process. To answer it, you must determine the outcome. Not the one you want but the one that you are ultimately aiming for...bettering yourself. As WPG, said this process is not just about saving your marriage but changing the person you were, the one that had the low boundaries and the affair.


If your outcome it that you are going to be the best person you can be for yourself and your daughter no matter what, then you are in complete control of it.


Try not to focus so hard on your H and his reactions. Let him pursue you and when he does, make the most of every moment.


Something else that does alarm me, is the fact that you suspect he is interested in someone else. NG, is right, no matter what you have done, your H does not have justification for starting a new relationship.

I know you already know that my H had an RA and right after he told me that it was an ego thing. Just recently though he told me another reason why he had an A. He told me that he thought that if he had an A and I found out about it that I would give up on him and it would be easier for him to stay away from me if I was the one who stopped pursuing him and gave up on him.

This may not be your H's intentions but it is a thought to ponder. It is so much easier to give up, it is exhausting to continue to fight for something when you are not sure of the outcome.

But if you change the outcome to bettering yourself, blooming into a new person (using your flower metaphor) then it is not quite as exhausting because you know the outcome will be a better, stronger, wiser you.

WPG awesome post as usual. Heard you on the show, SD. Seems you have embraced the program. I will pray for you and your husband next Sunday at church. Honestly, I see a good outcome for you.

If your husband is allowing another woman to meet his needs, if he is engaged in his own affair... your efforts to increase your Love Bank Balance will be wasted, at it will take an enourmous toll on you!

If this is true do you have a copy of SAA, HNHN, and LB?

Hi Everyone,

My H already had a RA last year. It was a ONS with some girl he literally met on the side of the road. I'm not so sure it's cheating now since he wants out. He won't tell me one way or the other if he is seeing someone. Says it doesn't matter bc we are on the way to D. I saw him with a girl a few weeks ago. I don't know if it was someone he was dating, but she and he seemed chummy. Asked a friend of hers who said probably not.

I don't have SAA yet but I will get it in the mail in a couple days from being on the show.

Today he was totally distant when we did the exchange of D. One word answers to my questions and he looks at me with total disdain. I kept the conversation light. My DD offered that he was not mad at me for saying "I love you" rather that I followed him after Church. I just don't know. He is giving me no sign that he wants me or "chooses me."

Meanwhile, I am taking care of me today. Been on a couple walks with my DD and our dog. It was really nice. I don't regret opening my heart. It was pure and honest. I am being true and authentic to me.

Don't minimize his RA. Infidelity is wrong, divorcing and divorced are two different things. Divorcing you are MARRIED, divorced you are not. SAA is a good book you should get lovebusters as well. They go hand in hand IMO. Hang in there

I am actually kind of glad you said that. I totally let it go when he did it in the beginning to show him how to forgive. It hurt me but we created boundaries together not to go out without each other. He broke that boundary and told me he didn't want to have to answer to me about going out. I told him it hurt me that he didn't keep his promise but I felt so guilty I didn't press the issue. Meanwhile, I did not go out at all and kept my promise. I only get out occasionally now and I almost never drink anymore.

Recently when I brought up the RA, he denied it ever happened. Last year he confessed and was a dripping mess on my floor about it. I took him to the STD clinic the next day!! He doesn't acknowledge it at all. Then I caught him flirting on Facebook with a former client of his and confronted him about it. He denies that one too. He tells everyone what I did and no one about what he did. It hurts me to this day.

I'm also glad that many of you say I am not responsible for his RA. I was on another forum recently and the people on there torn me a new one about this. Some said I drove him to it!!! I didn't make him have sex with some random woman, I didn't make him flirt with his former client, nor did I force him to contact ex girlfriends. Yes, it all happened after what I did but I never made him do it. I also didn't make him hit the OM and get arrested. I asked him to leave it alone and focus on our healing. He was so reactive for such a long time and still kind of is. I can't imagine at this point telling him that seeing someone else right now is infidelity. He wouldn't hear it. He would justify it as he did with all the above situations.

Sorry, I guess I am a little unresolved in this issue . I didn't mean to vent so much.

That is what we are here for. Yes, you must and always will have to own up to your affair. But just like everyone on here who has an A, there are reasons but not excuses. Your H can use your affair as a reason for his behavior but not an excuse.

He is choosing to deal with the pain by making these decisions and not owning up to his part in it.

Just like you could have given a number of reasons for your A, it all boils down to the fact that you chose to have an A and no reason is ever good enough to justify doing it.

My H did the same thing early on to deal with his pain. He had an RA, went out with female co-workers A LOT, went out to bars, got really drunk at least two-three times a week. This is how he chose to deal with the pain. Did I feel responsible? Yes, of course! I knew that his behavior was his way of dealing with my affair. However, I also realized that these were HIS choices. That I could not control his behavior and actions at this time.

So I continued to work on me and work this program in hopes to show him that there was a better way to deal with the pain and the affair.

Sounds like he's hurt and lashing out to mad you "equals". Plain and simple all RAs do is complicate recovery with guilt trips and finger pointing. I am currently a BH and could of bad many RAs but did not. I'm not better than anyone but using this program helped me fix my messed up behaviors and avoid RAs. He needs to get on board with the program even if he doesn't want to recover with you. It will make him a better man. Don't apologize for venting that's what the forum is for. Also, don't put up with disrespect and RAs because you feel inferior from a moral standpoint about your infidelity. I notice BH's do that from time to time. I would give almost anything to have my WW in your frame of mind right now. No response to your email? Order lovebusters ASAP!

Did you ever actually send the email about being on the radio show and this website? I was confused as to whether or not you sent it. I think you should no matter what. Put the bug in his ear. Again, the worst he could do is just ignore it but I think his curiosity might get the best of him, even if it is not right away.

I didn't send the email. I wanted to see how things went on Sunday. Now that he thinks I am psycho, I decided after talking with a close friend it is probably best to take some space on it. I have the link to the show and have not ruled it out to send it later. I just know my H. If I send it to him after what happened on Sunday, he will speed up the D process.

Again, I haven't ruled it out. I just know how pissed off he is right now and this would only push the issue.

I would send it as well. I agree with FY, the worst he could do is ignore it.

SD,

I don't really think he thinks you are psycho. Those are just AO words to hurt you and protect himself. How is showing him that you are working a program to better yourself, going to make him think you are psycho? In addition, he can threaten to speed up the D process but didn't you say early on that no matter what it can't be sped up?

Why are you so afraid to lead him to MB and show him what your are doing to change?

Did you listen to the radio show yesterday? It made me think of you and me this time last year. Dr. H and Joyce were talking about the difference between saying you are sorry and showing it.

Without going into too much detail the just of is was that you can say you are sorry a million times. Until the person you hurt actually starts to see you are sorry, they will not believe that you are truly sorry.


Turning to MB and getting the help you need is an action to show that you are sorry and are changing your ways. By sending an email you are not just telling your H you are sorry but showing him an action that shows you are sorry.

Relying on friends advice and opinions can get dangerous because they don't completely understand your situation. Most of the people here do understand. I can honestly say that have have been in the EXACT same boat that you are in right now.

There is a fine line and you don't want to be overbearing and overwhelming to your H. But you also don't want him to think that you are giving up and doing nothing to try to save your marriage. That is why I think this email is not crossing the line.

What is AO?

As far as the email goes, I think it is overwhelming for him right now. I don't want to push him after the interaction we had this weekend. Again, I haven't ruled it out.

AO = angry outburst.
It's in the Love Busters part of Basic Concepts.

Here.
Angry Outbursts

So I apologized to H today about the fight we had last weekend on the phone today. He went off on me saying he would adjust his behavior to not include me anymore. He also told me I better get it that it really is F*ing over and that he is tired of paying me child support and for my mortgage (court ordered and yes that is what he offered I didn't ask). He also has to pay the OM for the damage from fighting. So he said he doesn't want to pay for me and my BF. I am not with this guy and haven't been for almost a year.

He told me he wishes I would just let him out so he can move on with his life. This was all over the course of about 2 minutes followed by him hanging up on me. I actually didn't get a word in edgewise. He's pissed, still.

SunDancer,

Was your BH cheated on in previous relationships?

God Bless
Gamma