Tea could have written a comprehensive list of EPs in a fraction of the time she has spent waxing poetic and trying to rationalize divorce as the most "ethical" and "noble" course of action.

Tea,

Funny story that happened to me today that made me think of you. My 16 year old son who does not have a lot of common sense right now decided that it was okay to use vulgar language with one of his buddies on the golf course right outside our house (our home backs up to hole 5). Apparently an older neighbor heard them and was trying to get in touch with me today, but I was not home.

When I returned home I had a note from a police officer on my counter saying that this man, my neighbor across the course was had a run in with my son, his mouth, and was a little worried.
The last words the copy said were "we won't have any more problems will we".

So I decided to take my son over to his house to apologize for his actions, his mouth, and any part of the story I was not getting from my son (his version was crazy old man, who freaked out about nothing....). So I took my son to his house. They sat out on his porch for a long time before he came to the car to speak to me.

Okay I am finally getting to the point and connection to you. He came up to me and told me that he really appreciated my son coming to talk to him. He said that sometimes our mouths are our greatest enemy and anytime they are open we should and could be in trouble.

What he said that reminded me you you and the point to this very long story is that he said the only person in this entire world that was perfect was and is our maker and the everyone else is far from perfect.

Key line however was this "everyone will make mistakes, it is not the mistakes you make but what you learn from them and the changes you make because of them."

WOWZA!! I thought of Tea and MB immediately.

Some people on here think that you have something to hide. I do not. I think you are a perfectionists. You pride yourself in the fact that you have always done things right, that you are smart, and that you have made the right decisions most of your life.

So the hardest part to all of this, what is killing you is the fact that you finally failed, you messed up, you made a mistake and a big one at that. But don't you see? This is the connection to everything. I know you don't believe that all things happen for a reason, but it is a bit ironic that everything thing this man said to me today made me think of you. You can't stand that you made such a big mistake but what you fail to see is what you can learn from this mistake.

My son was humbled by this man and said that he learned more from him in the five minutes he spent on his porch than he had learned in a long time. He had a new found respect and appreciation for this man.

I also learned and was reminded that we do make mistakes. It is what you learn and how you change based on those mistakes that really defines who you are.

Sorry I was so wordy but I hope it helps. I felt compelled to share and share with you in particular.

XVY

Fifteenyears, thank you.

I totally agree and when you figure this concept out and practice it in life you obtained wisdom and experience. Too bad most adults fail to understand.

I agree.
That's also how I see this.

Tea Kettle, I am a woman who is enjoying my 32 year marriage 17 years after adultery almost ruined us.
I know what joy can come from recovery. You do not. It will take a leap of faith.
It will require humility.

She is exactly correct. You don't know what to do. So you turn on your heels to escape. I think there is more substance to you than that. Plus, you will regret not giving this your best effort. No one knows what the outcome will be if you try. We all know what the result will be if you fail to try.

XVY has bloomed on this forum. She's da' man!

Is the solution for failure more or less effort? More or less knowledge? More or less commitment?

Why humility? Because you will understand a deeper empathy for the rest of us earthy fools when we screw up. Which, we will.

Pepperband, I don't want to divorce. On the contrary, I'm scared to death that 8 hours from now my life will be in free fall descent.

Fear is not a plan.

Fight for it!
That's what my H did.
I did not want anything to do with him.
He fought and he did not give up.

Have you ordered SAA yet?
You can probably get it in the library until your copy arrives. It's like a blueprint.

We want you to succeed. But success is not guaranteed.

Tea, it is very unlikely that your H's love bank balance has reached absolute zero.
He's very wounded because he loves you so much.
Can you agree with that statement?

Look at Three States Of Mind In Marriage

They are:
Intimacy
Conflict
Withdrawal

The last part of the link goes to "How one spouse can lead the other back to intimacy".

Be sure to read all of the links about the 3 states.

Men who don't want to be married -- don't order marriage books.
Just sayin'

So happy to see Lexxxy here!

happy happy happy to see pep!!

(know what TV show that's from? my new fav...)

Tea,

I was a WW too. D-day was 2 years ago this August. My husband and I are recovering our marriage and in the process I have learned a lot about myself.

I learned that I like attention from men. No, I love attention from men, and that makes me dangerous. I also realized that the only thing that kept my marriage affair-free for 15 years was lack of opportunity. Ouch. It sounds so ugly to admit it. But it is uglier to NOT admit it.

My husband and I have had to make a ton of changes--at times both of us thought "this is hopeless". But we kept on doing the right things even when it felt wrong.

I thought I would always be defined and remembered as an adulteress. BUT I'M NOT ! My husband, kids, family, friends--everyone knows about my affair, but we rarely talk about it and I think about it less and less. We are replacing bad memories with new ones. I feel GOOD about my life again.

You can too. I thought it was impossible, but we are doing the impossible !! And that feels good.....

We both are in love with each other but considering what I've done it may be a major obstacle for both of us.

I believe my husband already ordered the book and the package from Amazon, with two books inside, was delivered last Saturday.



Let's hope so, Lexxxy.



Your ability to take a clear and fresh look at yourself is remarkable. It's especially true if you observe something you don't like or would rather not see I can only admire and respect it. I need to get to this point myself. I need to do it soon.



I need to get ready to pick him up at the airport.

Good luck, Tea!

Good luck Tea, but only you have your future in your hands, if you want it, you'd better fight for it. You'd better come up with a plan and make it work.

If you don't, nobody will.

So there, kick in the booty! Don't complain about your misery, do something about it. You still have a couple of hours, write that NC letter, write that list of EP's, tell your husband you want this to work and here's the plan, then you can finetune the plan together, if he wants too.

good luck Tea!!

Humility is not beating yourself up or waxing or waning because you betrayed.

Humility is knowing you are awesome and also knowing everything comes from God.

Tea,

I have thought about you all evening and morning. How did it go picking up your husband ? Is he open to giving your marriage another try ?

Blessings,

FF