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#2720048 04/15/13 09:20 PM
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Hello! I've been writing a little but mostly lurking on Marriage Builders since September 2012 when I found out my very "new" husband was having an affair with a good friend of mine. It was exactly one month in when I discovered it. I instantly connected with MB and new that this was the way I had to do things to get back on track with or without my husband. I posted my story and b/c my husband was in his 4th affair, that I know of, I was mostly told to hit the road and not look back. I did not want to listen and tried very hard to implement MB on him. I did a very, very short plan A and did a plan B 9 TIMES, yep that's what I said. He's been here and gone again 9 times. Every time he leaves I plan B him. He gets about a week out and then he comes home and starts working the material and then a month in, goes back to OW. After this last time, I am done. No matter what I want, no matter what I hope, no matter how much I miss him, he's abusing me and my daughter by doing this and I have to be done. I'm hopefully filing at the end of this week. I'm just looking for some support along the way. This is not going to be easy for me at all, but I know it has to be done!


BW 35
WH 31
Married to a serial cheater
D Day - 9 times between June 2012 & April 2013
Plan B - April 13, 2013
Plan D - In the works
Joined: Oct 2007
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Originally Posted by 6877
I did a very, very short plan A and did a plan B 9 TIMES, yep that's what I said. He's been here and gone again 9 times. Every time he leaves I plan B him. He gets about a week out and then he comes home and starts working the material and then a month in, goes back to OW. After this last time, I am done.

So where are you now with Plan B? Are you doing anything differently so as to not keep repeating this cycle? If so what has changed?

Sorry you are here btw...


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
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I saw someone use the analogy of quitting smoking when getting away from a toxic person. It is hard to quit smoking, for sure, but the longer you stay away the faster the cravings will go away. I would go into a dark, dark Plan B and file for divorce. Be done with this loser. He will NEVER be marriage material.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I guess I'm not sure yet what I'll do differently, except that I'm filing for divorce. I'm sort of in plan B right now, just b/c I haven't talked to him and I blocked his number, but I need to get my IM set up and secure any area he can get to me. I've just had enough and I am unwilling to keep going trapped in his web any longer.

I've read SAA twice, and BR&F. That book was an eye opener. Changed my whole outlook on living together.

I've learned so much from this site which has helped me get where I am, even if I am slow. I did email my WH old girlfriend from years ago. I wasn't sure why I was doing it, but I was just stretching out a hand and she was so kind and took my hand and has been talking to me ever since. I know that my WH was also a serial cheater on her so I knew she could help me. She told me that he cheated on her 10 times, and one of the psycho girls hired a MAN to beat her up, and he did. He jumped her in a parking lot and punched her in the face! So I just realize if he wouldn't change after that, after his girlfriend got punched in the face by another man b/c of him, he's just piece of ****. He's never going to be what I need him to be. He's never going to be a man at all.

With that said, even though I know all that, it doesn't make missing him and leaving him any easier. I'm the ones my friends come to for advice, I'm the one that pushes people to do the right thing. I've never had a mentor or anyone that I can have help me that I respected. I mean, I love my friends and they have been here for me, but I needed someone who has been through this to direct me and lead me by the hand. This place has been that and his old girlfriend has been that as well.

It's another new day today. This is day 4 of plan B.


BW 35
WH 31
Married to a serial cheater
D Day - 9 times between June 2012 & April 2013
Plan B - April 13, 2013
Plan D - In the works
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 122
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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
I saw someone use the analogy of quitting smoking when getting away from a toxic person. It is hard to quit smoking, for sure, but the longer you stay away the faster the cravings will go away. I would go into a dark, dark Plan B and file for divorce. Be done with this loser. He will NEVER be marriage material.

I agree 100% with this. I was a smoker years ago and quit cold turkey! I can do this to! I am filing for divorce! Waiting on my lawyer to call me back.


BW 35
WH 31
Married to a serial cheater
D Day - 9 times between June 2012 & April 2013
Plan B - April 13, 2013
Plan D - In the works
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So sorry you are dealing with this.

There is no 'sort of' to a Plan B.

You are either in one or not.

Get your legalities set up (finances protected, etc) an IM and write a Plan B letter and go for it.







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Originally Posted by 6877
I guess I'm not sure yet what I'll do differently, except that I'm filing for divorce. I'm sort of in plan B right now, just b/c I haven't talked to him and I blocked his number, but I need to get my IM set up and secure any area he can get to me.

The reason I asked you what has changed is the going into Plan B nine times tells me you are relying on willpower to maintain NC with WH and it's NOT WORKING.

Because he has gotten you to break your boundaries so many times he will be persistent in getting through to you, so please make sure you have thought of all the ways he will try and have a plan.

How was he able to get in contact with you all the other times that you were in Plan B? This will help you see where you need to make changes.

You really need an IM immediately. The BS's who cut corners in Plan B are the ones who aren't really committed and can't stay dark.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
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Originally Posted by 6877
I'm just looking for some support along the way. This is not going to be easy for me at all, but I know it has to be done!

You need to change your thinking. weightlifter
Your "Giver" is willing to sacrifice a lot. Your "Giver" has allowed this horror story to rewind several times too many. You need to realize that your "Taker" is not the bad guy. Your "Taker" is the one who looks out for your best interests. Additionally, your "Giver" has been willing to sacrifice your child's best interest as well.

Imagine Plan B as an umbrella of protection. Your "Taker" pulls out the umbrella and opens it up and has you stand under it .... with your child. Really, when I say "imagine" I am asking you to create a mental picture of this.

It's raining acid. The umbrella is your only means to protect you and your child from acid burns. Once you are under the umbrella, your "Giver" is the only one who can hurt you. Your "Giver" wants you to think that the acid is water.

Listen to your "Taker" in Plan B (umbrella of protection).
Your "Giver" says things like: "But what if ..... blah blah blah."
Your "Giver" says: "Everyone deserves another (tenth) chance."
Your "Taker" says: "Stay here. Your protection is most important."

Change your thoughts.


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Originally Posted by reading
There is no 'sort of' to a Plan B.

You are either one or not.


This is true. I am in one, it just happened so fast that I haven't had time to contact anyone yet. I just set up a meeting with my IM for tomorrow.



BW 35
WH 31
Married to a serial cheater
D Day - 9 times between June 2012 & April 2013
Plan B - April 13, 2013
Plan D - In the works
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 122
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[quote=SusieQ
The reason I asked you what has changed is the going into Plan B nine times tells me you are relying on willpower to maintain NC with WH and it's NOT WORKING.

Because he has gotten you to break your boundaries so many times he will be persistent in getting through to you, so please make sure you have thought of all the ways he will try and have a plan.

I totally get what you are saying now. He has come over to the house! That's it, that's what breaks me. I always answer the door. I realize I can't do that, ever again. I see how I'm willpowering it through right now.

How was he able to get in contact with you all the other times that you were in Plan B? This will help you see where you need to make changes.

You really need an IM immediately. The BS's who cut corners in Plan B are the ones who aren't really committed and can't stay dark. [/quote]


BW 35
WH 31
Married to a serial cheater
D Day - 9 times between June 2012 & April 2013
Plan B - April 13, 2013
Plan D - In the works
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 122
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[quote=Pepperband
You need to change your thinking. weightlifter
Your "Giver" is willing to sacrifice a lot. Your "Giver" has allowed this horror story to rewind several times too many. You need to realize that your "Taker" is not the bad guy. Your "Taker" is the one who looks out for your best interests. Additionally, your "Giver" has been willing to sacrifice your child's best interest as well.

Imagine Plan B as an umbrella of protection. Your "Taker" pulls out the umbrella and opens it up and has you stand under it .... with your child. Really, when I say "imagine" I am asking you to create a mental picture of this.

It's raining acid. The umbrella is your only means to protect you and your child from acid burns. Once you are under the umbrella, your "Giver" is the only one who can hurt you. Your "Giver" wants you to think that the acid is water.

Listen to your "Taker" in Plan B (umbrella of protection).
Your "Giver" says things like: "But what if ..... blah blah blah."
Your "Giver" says: "Everyone deserves another (tenth) chance."
Your "Taker" says: "Stay here. Your protection is most important."

Change your thoughts.

[/quote]
I like this analogy. I will think of it when he is pounding on my door.

I realize I've sacrificed some of my child's happiness. It breaks my heart what I've made her put up with. I did apologize to her the other day, but I don't think she understands. She's emotionless about WH coming and going. I know she loves him though. To be honest I don't know what to do or say to her about the situation anymore. Maybe she's lost all respect for me, I don't know.

I am committed to plan B this time, 100%. I want to save myself and my daughter from him. Someone above said I should write a plan B letter. I'm wondering why?


BW 35
WH 31
Married to a serial cheater
D Day - 9 times between June 2012 & April 2013
Plan B - April 13, 2013
Plan D - In the works
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Quote
I will think of it when he is pounding on my door.

If he is pounding at your door, you need a plan. Does he make threats?
Call the police.
Quote
She's emotionless about WH coming and going.
No she's not. She is watching you and taking notes.

How old is she? How are her grades?

If you are intending to divorce (and I think that would be smart), then I would skip the letter.
Have you filed?

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No, he won't make threats. I think he'll just pound on it. I've never just let him knock so I don't know what he'll do.

She is 15. Her grades are good, but I know this has affected her. I'm not sure what to say to her so I don't say anything at all most of the time. I do tell her she can talk to me and I've told her about the affair and that I'm done letting WH come and go as he pleases. She mostly says nothing. Any suggestions? How do I make her see that I'm sorry and I will do better. Her dad and stepmom have really stepped up this year to help with her and I think it's b/c of the situation I've got us in.

I have not filed. I have a message into my lawyer, I talked to him on Saturday and I think something is going on with his mother. I will call again tomorrow and leave another message. I also already borrowed the money I will need to start the process. I am more than ready to start this process.

I don't want a letter, seems pointless.



BW 35
WH 31
Married to a serial cheater
D Day - 9 times between June 2012 & April 2013
Plan B - April 13, 2013
Plan D - In the works
Joined: Oct 2000
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How do I make her see that I'm sorry and I will do better.

You won't convince her of anything with words. Only by consistent behaviors.

Be a role model. Don't fish for approval from your DD15.

By now, your words to "do better" are as meaningless as WH's promises.

Speak with actions.

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I would like some ideas from anyone on what I could do with my 15 year old daughter? She's only interested in watching movies and texting. I need to bond with her during this period.


BW 35
WH 31
Married to a serial cheater
D Day - 9 times between June 2012 & April 2013
Plan B - April 13, 2013
Plan D - In the works
Joined: Feb 2013
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Board games, amusement park, roller blading, baseball game, mini golf, mall


Me - BH 49 years old
Her - WW 43 years old
Married 20 years
D Day Jan 7, 2013
3 kids - DS19, DS17, DS12
Joined: Nov 2012
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Concerts!

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Those are great ideas, thank you! I'm going to make a list of things that we can do. I'm in school right now so we are broke, broke, broke. I've never been so broke so that makes it tough for us.

Today is day 5 of plan B. I've never made it past day 8. Even so early on in this, it's hard. I feel antsy and bored at the same time. I feel like I'm so supposed to be glad, or maybe it's just that other people will be glad that I'm divorcing him. I think back on our relationship and I have no idea if he was ever NOT cheating on me. So I feel bad that I loved/love him b/c it seems like I shouldn't. It's hard to mourn something you're supposed to be glad about getting out of. But, on the other hand I do feel relief when he is gone. Even though we've never made it over 8 days, every time I did plan B on him, I kept getting stronger and somehow building self esteem. I don't feel week anymore. Plus I'm always reading threads, I've been on Scotland's for awhile now and I read all of Indie's.

On that note, I'll be calling my lawyer again today, hopefully he responds.


BW 35
WH 31
Married to a serial cheater
D Day - 9 times between June 2012 & April 2013
Plan B - April 13, 2013
Plan D - In the works
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 122
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Originally Posted by geroldmodel
Concerts!


We love concerts but again we are broke! Maybe I can look up a future one and save some money.


BW 35
WH 31
Married to a serial cheater
D Day - 9 times between June 2012 & April 2013
Plan B - April 13, 2013
Plan D - In the works
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 315
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Looking back on what we should/shouldn't have seen/done is a nightmare. It does nothing but depress us and cause us to think of how stupid we are/were blah, blah blah.

Start looking forward. Remember, Plan B is about YOU and YOUR healing. Not his. Forget him. Kick him to the curb and leave him there. Focus on YOU and your daughter.

Boardgames, walking thru the mall, rollerblading, mini golf are all pretty cheap. Spend the time together and start building memories that will replace all of the bad ones that you cant help but focus on right now. UA time with your daughter will speed the healing for both of you.


Me - BH 49 years old
Her - WW 43 years old
Married 20 years
D Day Jan 7, 2013
3 kids - DS19, DS17, DS12
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