Hello! I've been writing a little but mostly lurking on Marriage Builders since September 2012 when I found out my very "new" husband was having an affair with a good friend of mine. It was exactly one month in when I discovered it. I instantly connected with MB and new that this was the way I had to do things to get back on track with or without my husband. I posted my story and b/c my husband was in his 4th affair, that I know of, I was mostly told to hit the road and not look back. I did not want to listen and tried very hard to implement MB on him. I did a very, very short plan A and did a plan B 9 TIMES, yep that's what I said. He's been here and gone again 9 times. Every time he leaves I plan B him. He gets about a week out and then he comes home and starts working the material and then a month in, goes back to OW. After this last time, I am done. No matter what I want, no matter what I hope, no matter how much I miss him, he's abusing me and my daughter by doing this and I have to be done. I'm hopefully filing at the end of this week. I'm just looking for some support along the way. This is not going to be easy for me at all, but I know it has to be done!

So where are you now with Plan B? Are you doing anything differently so as to not keep repeating this cycle? If so what has changed?

Sorry you are here btw...

I saw someone use the analogy of quitting smoking when getting away from a toxic person. It is hard to quit smoking, for sure, but the longer you stay away the faster the cravings will go away. I would go into a dark, dark Plan B and file for divorce. Be done with this loser. He will NEVER be marriage material.

I guess I'm not sure yet what I'll do differently, except that I'm filing for divorce. I'm sort of in plan B right now, just b/c I haven't talked to him and I blocked his number, but I need to get my IM set up and secure any area he can get to me. I've just had enough and I am unwilling to keep going trapped in his web any longer.

I've read SAA twice, and BR&F. That book was an eye opener. Changed my whole outlook on living together.

I've learned so much from this site which has helped me get where I am, even if I am slow. I did email my WH old girlfriend from years ago. I wasn't sure why I was doing it, but I was just stretching out a hand and she was so kind and took my hand and has been talking to me ever since. I know that my WH was also a serial cheater on her so I knew she could help me. She told me that he cheated on her 10 times, and one of the psycho girls hired a MAN to beat her up, and he did. He jumped her in a parking lot and punched her in the face! So I just realize if he wouldn't change after that, after his girlfriend got punched in the face by another man b/c of him, he's just piece of ****. He's never going to be what I need him to be. He's never going to be a man at all.

With that said, even though I know all that, it doesn't make missing him and leaving him any easier. I'm the ones my friends come to for advice, I'm the one that pushes people to do the right thing. I've never had a mentor or anyone that I can have help me that I respected. I mean, I love my friends and they have been here for me, but I needed someone who has been through this to direct me and lead me by the hand. This place has been that and his old girlfriend has been that as well.

It's another new day today. This is day 4 of plan B.

I agree 100% with this. I was a smoker years ago and quit cold turkey! I can do this to! I am filing for divorce! Waiting on my lawyer to call me back.

So sorry you are dealing with this.

There is no 'sort of' to a Plan B.

You are either in one or not.

Get your legalities set up (finances protected, etc) an IM and write a Plan B letter and go for it.

The reason I asked you what has changed is the going into Plan B nine times tells me you are relying on willpower to maintain NC with WH and it's NOT WORKING.

Because he has gotten you to break your boundaries so many times he will be persistent in getting through to you, so please make sure you have thought of all the ways he will try and have a plan.

How was he able to get in contact with you all the other times that you were in Plan B? This will help you see where you need to make changes.

You really need an IM immediately. The BS's who cut corners in Plan B are the ones who aren't really committed and can't stay dark.

You need to change your thinking.
Your "Giver" is willing to sacrifice a lot. Your "Giver" has allowed this horror story to rewind several times too many. You need to realize that your "Taker" is not the bad guy. Your "Taker" is the one who looks out for your best interests. Additionally, your "Giver" has been willing to sacrifice your child's best interest as well.

Imagine Plan B as an umbrella of protection. Your "Taker" pulls out the umbrella and opens it up and has you stand under it .... with your child. Really, when I say "imagine" I am asking you to create a mental picture of this.

It's raining acid. The umbrella is your only means to protect you and your child from acid burns. Once you are under the umbrella, your "Giver" is the only one who can hurt you. Your "Giver" wants you to think that the acid is water.

Listen to your "Taker" in Plan B (umbrella of protection).
Your "Giver" says things like: "But what if ..... blah blah blah."
Your "Giver" says: "Everyone deserves another (tenth) chance."
Your "Taker" says: "Stay here. Your protection is most important."

Change your thoughts.

This is true. I am in one, it just happened so fast that I haven't had time to contact anyone yet. I just set up a meeting with my IM for tomorrow.

[quote=SusieQ
The reason I asked you what has changed is the going into Plan B nine times tells me you are relying on willpower to maintain NC with WH and it's NOT WORKING.

Because he has gotten you to break your boundaries so many times he will be persistent in getting through to you, so please make sure you have thought of all the ways he will try and have a plan.

I totally get what you are saying now. He has come over to the house! That's it, that's what breaks me. I always answer the door. I realize I can't do that, ever again. I see how I'm willpowering it through right now.

How was he able to get in contact with you all the other times that you were in Plan B? This will help you see where you need to make changes.

You really need an IM immediately. The BS's who cut corners in Plan B are the ones who aren't really committed and can't stay dark. [/quote]

[quote=Pepperband
You need to change your thinking.
Your "Giver" is willing to sacrifice a lot. Your "Giver" has allowed this horror story to rewind several times too many. You need to realize that your "Taker" is not the bad guy. Your "Taker" is the one who looks out for your best interests. Additionally, your "Giver" has been willing to sacrifice your child's best interest as well.

Imagine Plan B as an umbrella of protection. Your "Taker" pulls out the umbrella and opens it up and has you stand under it .... with your child. Really, when I say "imagine" I am asking you to create a mental picture of this.

It's raining acid. The umbrella is your only means to protect you and your child from acid burns. Once you are under the umbrella, your "Giver" is the only one who can hurt you. Your "Giver" wants you to think that the acid is water.

Listen to your "Taker" in Plan B (umbrella of protection).
Your "Giver" says things like: "But what if ..... blah blah blah."
Your "Giver" says: "Everyone deserves another (tenth) chance."
Your "Taker" says: "Stay here. Your protection is most important."

Change your thoughts.

[/quote]
I like this analogy. I will think of it when he is pounding on my door.

I realize I've sacrificed some of my child's happiness. It breaks my heart what I've made her put up with. I did apologize to her the other day, but I don't think she understands. She's emotionless about WH coming and going. I know she loves him though. To be honest I don't know what to do or say to her about the situation anymore. Maybe she's lost all respect for me, I don't know.

I am committed to plan B this time, 100%. I want to save myself and my daughter from him. Someone above said I should write a plan B letter. I'm wondering why?

If he is pounding at your door, you need a plan. Does he make threats?
Call the police.
No she's not. She is watching you and taking notes.

How old is she? How are her grades?

If you are intending to divorce (and I think that would be smart), then I would skip the letter.
Have you filed?

No, he won't make threats. I think he'll just pound on it. I've never just let him knock so I don't know what he'll do.

She is 15. Her grades are good, but I know this has affected her. I'm not sure what to say to her so I don't say anything at all most of the time. I do tell her she can talk to me and I've told her about the affair and that I'm done letting WH come and go as he pleases. She mostly says nothing. Any suggestions? How do I make her see that I'm sorry and I will do better. Her dad and stepmom have really stepped up this year to help with her and I think it's b/c of the situation I've got us in.

I have not filed. I have a message into my lawyer, I talked to him on Saturday and I think something is going on with his mother. I will call again tomorrow and leave another message. I also already borrowed the money I will need to start the process. I am more than ready to start this process.

I don't want a letter, seems pointless.

You won't convince her of anything with words. Only by consistent behaviors.

Be a role model. Don't fish for approval from your DD15.

By now, your words to "do better" are as meaningless as WH's promises.

Speak with actions.

I would like some ideas from anyone on what I could do with my 15 year old daughter? She's only interested in watching movies and texting. I need to bond with her during this period.

Board games, amusement park, roller blading, baseball game, mini golf, mall

Concerts!

Those are great ideas, thank you! I'm going to make a list of things that we can do. I'm in school right now so we are broke, broke, broke. I've never been so broke so that makes it tough for us.

Today is day 5 of plan B. I've never made it past day 8. Even so early on in this, it's hard. I feel antsy and bored at the same time. I feel like I'm so supposed to be glad, or maybe it's just that other people will be glad that I'm divorcing him. I think back on our relationship and I have no idea if he was ever NOT cheating on me. So I feel bad that I loved/love him b/c it seems like I shouldn't. It's hard to mourn something you're supposed to be glad about getting out of. But, on the other hand I do feel relief when he is gone. Even though we've never made it over 8 days, every time I did plan B on him, I kept getting stronger and somehow building self esteem. I don't feel week anymore. Plus I'm always reading threads, I've been on Scotland's for awhile now and I read all of Indie's.

On that note, I'll be calling my lawyer again today, hopefully he responds.

We love concerts but again we are broke! Maybe I can look up a future one and save some money.

Looking back on what we should/shouldn't have seen/done is a nightmare. It does nothing but depress us and cause us to think of how stupid we are/were blah, blah blah.

Start looking forward. Remember, Plan B is about YOU and YOUR healing. Not his. Forget him. Kick him to the curb and leave him there. Focus on YOU and your daughter.

Boardgames, walking thru the mall, rollerblading, mini golf are all pretty cheap. Spend the time together and start building memories that will replace all of the bad ones that you cant help but focus on right now. UA time with your daughter will speed the healing for both of you.

Understand this

the very emotions that lead you to break Plan B are the ones a wayward feels when trying to stop contact with their partner in adultery.

When you feel grief.......observe it.
When you feel like allowing contact with your H.......observe those emotions and realize that you must accept that there is no easy way to stop contact with someone who has a nice Love Bank balance in your Love Bank.

No painless way.

Mani/pedi appointments.
Edit to add:
A "broke" mani pedi is one you do for each other.
Movies.
Edit to add:
A "broke" movie night is home DVD and popcorn.

Who is DD15 texting?

When I take my kids out to eat, we do the "game" where we stack the cell phones face down and the first one to pick up and look has some type of consequence (with adults, it's supposed to be paying the check...with them, its doing the dishes, etc)

I tell them I want to bond and chat with them and we need to get rid of the phones. This turns it into a game. They actually like it and we get a laugh out of it. You could even do this at home during meal times at home.

Go take the dogs for a walk, sit on the couch together and just talk. If you two aren't in the habit, it will be a little awkward at first but it will get easier and easier the more you do it.

Friends and boys!


My parents were not very lovey-dovey with us kids. I tried when she was younger to break that but as she has gotten older I've seen us slide into the same routine a little bit. I always tell my daughter I love her but we do not hug enough at all. It's a step up from my parents, we do not ever say I love you, but I would like a little bit more touching between us. I'm going to try hard for us to connect a bit more.

Tonight was a tough night. Can't really say b/c I'm supposed to be ONLY looking forward. I know I can't go back, I know I won't go back, but everything breaks my heart. I'll keep moving forward, tomorrow is a different day.

My DD15 loves to talk my ear off. All I have to do is ask her how such and such is (one of her many friends) and she is non-stop. I listen (really listen) because this is when they tell you about others in their circles not doing such ideal things and about the boys.

I ask questions, but never interrogate. Just remember how you were when you were her age.

My DD15 also loves to read and so I will read the same book and we will talk about it. Teenagers love for it to be about themselves.

Sorry you're having a tough night. The nights always seem to be the toughest. Come here and reach out to us when you're feeling weak to break NC.

You can do it.

My DD talks my ear off at times and then other times she's in her bedroom all night. If I make her come out and help me she usually will start talking about things. The book thing is a really good idea. I have to work harder at us going out to do things. I'm in school so I love my "home" time. I think I'll get a horse puzzle for us. That's her thing, horses.

I had a little fiasco at the gym today. We live in a city where there are only 2 major gyms. I'm not giving up my gym, it's the only one with a pool and I train there with all my friends. Normally we would not be there at the same time but I had to go a little later today and he went a little earlier. He did text the IM when he got there b/c he must have seen my car. So she texted me. He waited in his car until I was done and then went into the gym. I never saw him or his car. I know everyone is going to tell me to switch gyms; it is not an option for me! I will however keep an eye for his car when I go and either not go if his car is there or just go swim.

How do people do it when they have so many mutual friends? I basically get all the friends, he he, but eventually I'm sure there will be a time that we are both there. My sister in law is my best friend, I'm in her wedding! What do I do about that?

Nights are the hardest b/c even tonight I feel the pull towards him. I'm doing well through the day but being home doesn't feel very good, not bad, just I miss him more at home. I'm not yet sure on how to NOT think about him.

I am on day 7 of plan B and it is up and down, as expected. I haven't even snooped, not once. That is a miracle! I know though, that nothing good will come of me looking at either of them. I'm moving forward and that only keeps me where I am now. I am proud of myself. I've even accidentally typed in his email several times when I was going to look at my own. See, I do this automatically b/c I have had to snoop so much on him. I think Jedi was the one that tried to drive it into me that I would be a police officer for the rest of my life if I stayed with him. That is so true.

I do miss him. A lot! I think sometimes that I might be more worried about them being happy, or that he might change for her. I would go crazy thinking these things if I didn't have the promise of MB posters that it doesn't work like that. I seriously think of it as a promise! The relief of not looking and snooping everyday all day is immediately noticed. It's just nice.

Well, I'm off to bed. I have a feeling the weekend will be hard for me. To much time on my hands but I guess you never know.

Oh yeah, no call from my lawyer yet, not sure what's going on but it's irritating me.

Good job. One day at a time. Enjoy your weekend.

Sometimes we miss the hope of the person our wayward could be.

Well, my weekend hasn't been to bad. I read through a thread last night made by Pep about being in plan B. I bawled through the whole thing. I am a bit curious about those of us who are in plan B b/c it's the safest place for us as we divorce; won't that hold our love for them? My problem is that I do still love my husband, and I wish he would change, I just realize now that he probably isn't going to and I refuse to let him abuse me anymore with his affair(s).

I feel better than I thought, which scares me b/c I feel like the, I'm going to lay in bed all weekend, feeling is going to eventually hit.

A month or two ago I tried to steer a friend here who has only been married a year and his wife filed for divorce b/c she was cheating on him. When he first told me he didn't think she had physically cheated on him, I gently explained that I would bet my life that she had. It was all very typical what she was doing. He of course discovered that they had been physical. He posted on here a couple of times but never followed through. He did move home and half-*ssed a plan A but never really followed the exact plan and couldn't bring himself to do plan B. So, even though she's divorcing him and living in her new boyfriends house they still talk and go do things. I've tried to tell him that she will keep him and the OM in her life even after they divorce and he shouldn't want that. He just acts like they aren't talking about anything that matters so it doesn't hurt for them to talk. I've pushed MB on him so many times I think he's going to start getting irritated at me soon. It's funny how clearly you can see things after learning about MB.

It's very hard for me to post on here, but I keep forcing myself to do it b/c I need to stay connected to follow through with all of this. Although it's awesome to read threads where the BS follows the plan exactly it's almost daunting to those of us who just can't seem to be perfect at it, or fail time and time again at plan B. I felt like a failure that I couldn't do it, so I shied away from posting and just became a lurker, for months and months. Sometimes I would sit and cry that I couldn't do it as good as Scotland or Indie. I realize some of that was me not following through with the plan and letting him home sooner than I should have. But I was truly scared to post at what a failure I had become at this too. It added to my anxiety of the whole situation.

On that note though, I did keep learning and started gaining self esteem, even through all nine false recoveries. I don't know how but my mini plan B's, all nine of them, started saving me.

There is no perfect or painless way to work through surviving an affair. Affairs are awful. For you. For your wayward spouse. For the other person. For other family members.


Plan B protects your mental and physical health but it IS tough.
You will still love your husband.

When (or if) you break it..........you will spin out of control from the pain of being exposed to the drama.

If you choose to follow a tight Plan B.......it takes personal gumption and resolve. People choose to do it to step out of the intense pain. There will still be pain, but not as intense. People who choose to follow it are not better than people who don't. They just decide not to be in the vortex of drama and direct contact of the nightmare.

In Plan B.......people go through stages of grief and learn to live without their beloved. It is not a perfect solution but better than many.

In Plan B.........things come up to challenge staying in it and then you face the choice of staying true to it or not. You gauge your own health and sanity and how the wayward's love bank account is doing in your heart.

Plan B can help you think clearer though. You can put your love aside and figure out what is best for you and your future with logic and strength of knowing you can survive without the wayward. Survive and even thrive.

I knew this day was coming, I just didn't know what day it would land on. The first call came last night. He talked to my daughter and wanted to make sure we were okay, since it was "blizzarding." Three calls today, basically saying the same thing, that he was worried, wanted to know if I needed money and that he loved us. I know I shouldn't have listened to the message! I thought I had his work number blocked on my phone but apparently I didn't so I immediately blocked that number after he called. Then he called the house phone later in the day. I'm not sure how to block that yet. I immediately hung up on him and unplugged the phone. I rarely answer that phone and I won't do it again.

Plus, I talked to my SIL and she told me some stuff that I know I shouldn't have found out. My BIL finally talked to my WH yesterday and my WH informed him that OW and him would not be dating until we are divorced. That is a lie and his brother even told him it was a lie! My WH stuck to his story. Then he said that he isn't leaving me for OW, he is leaving me b/c he can't stand the fighting, which we rarely fight anymore, I have learned something from MB, and that I'm just not the same person. So, he is trying to act like he is the good guy by waiting to date her which isn't even true in the first place.

Now I'm exhausted. I didn't even actually talk to him yet b/c I knew so much about him today, I felt like I had broken plan B. But I didn't, and I have to be proud of myself. Normally these phone calls would be all it took but this time is different. He's using the money card b/c that's sensitive to me right now. He's acting like he CARES about if we have food in the fridge as he's putting all his time and effort into another women. He doesn't care about this family at all! How dare he call here and pretend he does.

So instead of homework, I've had two very big glasses of wine. This is probably just the beginning, he will eventually come to my door. I just want to be left alone. I can do it if he leaves me be, but I don't know if I can do it when he is after me.

I also started letting people know we are divorcing. That's a painful process. It hurts me when I see people are hurting for me.

Maybe it's just better to go to bed and start again tomorrow. It's WH birthday tomorrow. I decided I'll be separating us on Facebook as well tomorrow.

Allow your friends and family to comfort you without feeling that you need to tend to their emotions. Give them that gift!!!!
Let go of feeling responsible how others react to your situation.

I think I told you earlier in the thread that because you have allowed your H to break thru your PB so many times, that you were going to have to work extra hard to make sure all holes were plugged up so that you could finally go dark.

Going to same gym and not having changed your phone numbers is not Plan B. Plan B is no joke, it requires changes that are sometimes a big pain in the a$$ but it is WORTH IT for the peace it achieves. I rarely shop in my hometown (closest shopping to where I live) anymore because I am also in Plan B with all of my former in-laws -- most of them live there and I know I am bound to bump into them eventually so I drive out of my way to go elsewhere.

You don't have to bother explaining to me why you won't make these changes -- I just wanted to tell you that I don't predict that you will get any peace or healing following your plan. The drama and chaos will continue....

I do not think plan B is a joke at all. Me not having his number blocked was not intentional, it was his work number and I thought it was blocked, and I cleaned up all my holes the second I discovered them. He left on a Friday, I went to plan B on Saturday. I am not a pro, I'm learning just like everyone else. I know what peace it will bring b/c I feel it already, I WILL get peace, that's my goal. I get that I've allowed him to break through plan B numerous times, but, I didn't this time, so I do feel proud of myself.

The gym situation is just not an option for me. Working out is to important for my well being. The odd's of us seeing each other is very slim, is it there, yes and I know it is and I'm prepared for it.

On that wonderful note, I file tomorrow.



I know this is true, thanks!

You must plug up EVERY hole. Surely there is another gym in town you can go to.

No there is not one with a pool in it, and I swim, a lot.

I realize every hole has to be plugged. Again he left on a Friday, I went to plan B on a Saturday. I work full time and go to school full time and have a 15 year old. I didn't not get his number blocked b/c I don't take it seriously. I wouldn't still be here on this site after all the mistakes I've made if I didn't want to do it the right way.

There must be other pools in town?

So I filed for divorce on Thursday. That part wasn't hard but ever since my days have been rotten. My desire to call him is overwhelming! I have not broke plan B and I do not intend to, but I'm having to have conversations with myself to not make contact.

My daughter's grandmother died yesterday and I think that has had some to do with it. The amount of pain my daughter has had to go through b/c of him, and now this. I was just so mad at him for leaving her and now she has to deal with this too!

It's so uncomfortable to sit here. I understand that change is uncomfortable but it doesn't mean it doesn't suck! I don't even know what it is that I want. Relief I guess.

I'm not trying to complain, b/c I know this is my way out, but I do wonder if I'll ever get through this and not think of him all day long.

He will be served on Monday I believe. I have no idea what will happen. I don't know if he will try to come here or if he will be happy he can be with his OW now. I don't know.

You can get through this and you will. Being there for your daughter through her tough days will only cause you to grow closer to her. Focus on that 100% and the feeling to call him will go to the back of your mind.

Is there any way that you can be out of the house on Monday. Then, if he shows up after being served, you wont even know.

Good luck today 6877. Be strong

Thanks Wow. My intentions were to stay away from the house but since my daughter just lost her grandmother we needed to be here for pick up with her dad.

My lawyer's mother passed away, so I'm not sure if he was ever served or not. Maybe he won't now for a week or so. I hope not but there's nothing I can do but wait. My SIL hasn't heard anything either so I don't think he was; I'm pretty sure he would turn to his brother right away. Who knows though, maybe he's celebrating.

I still haven't broke plan B, he has tried but I've actually stayed strong and I still haven't peaked on them at all. I know I keep saying this but I think I've amazed myself with that one. It's really hard not to snoop when you've become a professional at it .

I had an okay day yesterday and today was alright. Better than last Thursday and Friday. I've still cried everyday, but I guess that's to be expected. I've also noticed that I've been sitting in my house. I just don't feel ready to go out there. I'm not in here bawling and depressed, I just feel safe. I think it's okay as long as I'm not laying in here completely overwhelmed and in bed?

Stay strong, friend. You're doing really well.

You are doing great and staying strong. You CAN do this. You ARE doing this.

Make a plan to stay strong. In that plan, make it mandatory to post here if you're tempted to break plan B. Do this before the emotions take over and stick to the plan. Everyone here will help you stay strong if you let them.