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#2719031 04/11/13 09:03 AM
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Straight to the point!! I have a fianc� who is in the Army. He is deployed now but gets back home in June-July!! around that time we are planning our wedding but there are some worries and concerns I have about him bringing my spirits down ALL THE TIME when it comes to something I am very much interested in!!

1st scenario: I'm so excited about our little wedding we are a planning at the court house with just him and I....And our 2 kids.....I wanted to plan a little reception after our wedding with family, friends for them welcoming us into being newlyweds. The banquet including pretty much everything video, food, drink, decoration, photography, anything you can pretty much think of for so little price. I was so excited to tell my friends to help me plan for it and started getting names for my side of the family and his side. There is nothing for me to plan but a date, time, and what me and him were going to wear because everything was inclusive with the banquet center. When I spoke to him later that night I told him about my plans!! He started to say " ohhh I don't want to be around all of those ppl. I'm just getting back in from Afghanistan and the only ppl Im worried about is seeing my daughter, you, our son, and staying home that's it!! I don't want to be around a lot of people"

I found that very selfish because it's for our wedding!!!! Not something that will happen on a daily basis upon his arrival. Im about to be a wife. Every wife wants to be greeted with their family and friends After they are married. It's just in women period. I don't want to be the one to have to bump into someone or make phone calls And say hey I just got married!!! People should already know of that, i shouldn't have to make it clear every time because first of all it's a wedding where know one will be there. But we are planning the big one in 1 year.

2nd scenario after he shut me down the first time: long story short. I planned a dinner for our friends and family to come since the banquet was too much to Ask. It went from me asking him what ppl to invite for him, and I specifically told him I didn't want to tell him what it will be for because of what happened the first time. I explained. He said ok. He only wanted his nephew there basically because he has been gone too long away from home to reconnect with those childhood friends.....????? Yea exactly......then I told him to dress formal because it is a upscale restaurant....his response "I want to be comfortable, no hats, I'm just coming from Afghanistan I want to be relAxed....lol another excuse for ONE DAMN NIGHT!!!! Then I told him you will have to wear a tux for the wedding.....his response???? "A tux?? I'm not wearing a tux.....I said omfg really. This is our wedding we are talking about. Not just some gathering....." I I'll wear slacks and. Button up, NO tux.....ummmm idiot thats the same thing it's just no jacket!!! He replied...OH & we argued from there.

I really don't have time for a non family oriented person because I love to get out & add spice to the relationship and if he can't meet my needs then that will draw me away because I can't be with a borrrriiinnnngggg person. But he feels that I should here him out on not wanting to be around people but It seems as if I am the only person trying to keep our relationship how relationships are really supposed to be. He's not trying to please me in that area & I'm not trying to please him because I'm not a home body...and something sooooooo little like going out with people after your wedding should not be a big deal At all.

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!

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It sounds like you very much need to learn how to make win/win agreements with your boyfriend. Since you have been living together, you are in the bad habit of making win/lose agreements. That is a classic trait of what Dr Harley calls renters.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3406_independent.html

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8110_cohabitation.html

If you want your marriage to be successful you and your BF will need to learn to take each others feelings into account and negotiatie joint decisions that make you BOTH happy. You should not gain at his expense, in other words.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Why would you want to marry someone whom you call an idiot?

AGG


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Originally Posted by AGoodGuy
Why would you want to marry someone whom you call an idiot?

AGG

I don't know very many men who would want to marry a woman who called him an idiot... : crazy


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Do you know how it is to be there on the war front for months or however long your boyfriend was there for?

Maybe he experienced things beyond your imagination. He probably saw many injuries, deaths, in both his allies and enemies / their innocent civilians and feel a bit too complexed, depressed and guilty to be in in a happy/partying mode? Have you ever taken a minute and thought about that?

It looks to me that you are also only thinking about yourself. Like the vets say, I think it's important to sit donw with him and POJA your wedding plans.


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I can't be with a borrrriiinnnngggg person

Really?

Can you be an empathetic person?

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his response "I want to be comfortable, no hats, I'm just coming from Afghanistan I want to be relAxed

This is what he wants.
There will be time for parties later.

How old are you?

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**edit**

Last edited by Fireproof; 04/11/13 09:29 PM. Reason: TOS nasty, potty mouth
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Originally Posted by Mrs_jones
Um yea [censored] all of you smile
Wow!! Don't like hearing the truth???


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Lol I know right. There's someone for everyone

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You only know two scenarios...that's why it's so easy to comment on what you see on one post like you have been in the relationship or know what he does...hmmm

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Originally Posted by Mrs_jones
You only know two scenarios...that's why it's so easy to comment on what you see on one post like you have been in the relationship or know what he does...hmmm
How old are you?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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He has seen horrors beyond your imagination and you are worried about being BORED? Think about him!

If you had just spent months being shot at, would YOU want to be around others?



We don't know what he does. But we can easily guess, because many of the members here have family members or spouses who have been to places like Iraq.

Yeah, he may snap at you. Who wouldn't? He just got back from a warzone and you can do nothing but nag at him about wanting people at the wedding! Let the man RELAX!


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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This is just my opinion, but, I think it would be a good thing for the two of you to reconnect, date, get to know each other again, etc. before you actually get married. Sounds like there are a lot of differences in the way you see things. Marriage shouldn't be taken lightly. Just ask any of us who are divorced (not sure if you are or not?).

If you want us to know more and not 'judge' just from the two instances you gave us, tell us more. How long have you been together? How old are the two of you? How many times have each of you been married? How many years were you married? Things like that.

This board is a very helpful place.


Me (BS): 41
Ex (lying cheating piece of dirt): 43
Kids: 12 DD, 6 DS
Married 17 years
I filed: 9/25/10
Divorce final: 10/4/11
He remarried: 10/15/11

My current status: Healing a little more every day!
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skeptical

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Originally Posted by Mrs_jones
I really don't have time for a non family oriented person because I love to get out & add spice to the relationship and if he can't meet my needs then that will draw me away because I can't be with a borrrriiinnnngggg person.

You know, if you take what you wrote above and take away the DJs, you actually are making a very valid observation, and it's good that you are making it before the wedding. You do NOT indeed want to be with a person who does not meet your needs, so if you feel that this might be the case, then you are wise to reconsider the whole marriage idea. Not sure how you did not note this before having kids with the man, but that is another issue.

I'd definitely recommend postponing the wedding and working through the concerns that you raised, after he has had time to return, adjust, and settle.

My last observation is that if someone does not do the things you want them to do, that does not make them selfish. It just means they do not want to give in to your selfish demands, and you need to negotiate to get a solution that you both are happy with. You might want to work on that a bit.

AGG



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Originally Posted by Mrs_jones
I found that very selfish because it's for our wedding!!!!

"Our", meaning you and all those people? Or "our" meaning you and him? You don't care about his opinion?

You have a LOT of bad habits that need to change before a successful marriage. For one, having some respect for your future husband.

"a non family oriented person" - You mean the guy who just wants to be with his fiance and children? Huh?

You aren't ready to get married.

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Originally Posted by Mrs_jones
but It seems as if I am the only person trying to keep our relationship how relationships are really supposed to be

That is YOUR idea of how a relationship is supposed to be.

I had a buddy who went to Iraq, when he got home he didn't leave his apartment for 6 months except to buy groceries.I was in the military, I KNOW how hard the life is for the one who stays at home, but it is also VERY HARD for the one deployed too.
His view here is probably something along the lines of "I just spent a year in hell, the ONLY thing I want to do is see the few people that are the most important to me and ignore the world for awhile. All I am getting is the woman I love nagging me because I am not fulfilling her every desire."

It appears that you are solely focused on what will make YOU happy, and no matter how you try to justify it, if that is the case your marriage will be difficult and painful best case scenario. I imagine he is selfish too, but being that he is getting back from deployment, let him be a little selfish.

I am coming from a relationship that seems similar, my fww wanted what she wanted and if you didn't aggree with her than you were an idiot. I aimed to please, so she usually got what she wanted and I got the shaft; serious love unit withdrawl. eventually I got sick of it and imposed my will making her discontent with our marriage. long story short is you seriously need to slow your roll on YOUR DESIRES BEING BEST, and work TOGETHER on an agreement that you BOTH like (POJA).


Me: 34 BH
Her: 31 FWW
DD (6)
DS (3)
D-day 2/2/13

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This has future wayward wife written all over it. I'm guessing she isn't coming back because she isn't ready to accept that it's not all his fault.

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Maybe, I have the feeling she could be really young.

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