Hello,

I am new here, but my problems are probably not all that new, so I really hope for some advice and help.
I know my husband for 20 years, been married for 15, 2 children.
We were very happy before we got married, almost no fights and we did live together for part of the time, did everything together. Right after wedding I got pregnant and things started to go bad since then. I was left with about 10-12 pounds that could not get rid of, and my husband did not like that. Maybe because he would tell me that, or because of the baby, I don't know, but my sex drive got really low. And my husband did not like that either. Years that followed were full of fights, because of my weight, of sex, or how clean I kept the house, or whatever. Maybe it was the pressure, and the fact that he would only touch me in the sexual content, but he wanted sex at least 2 times a week (not unreasonable, I know) and I could go by with just one time every 2 weeks or so. After too many fights I started to give in, just have sex no mater how I felt. But we would find some other reason to fight anyway.
Two years ago I managed to gain another 10 pounds and my husband lost all interest in me as a women. I mean we were still a family, still did everything together, but he never commented on my weight and hardly wanted any sex. And when he did it was always his way (and still is to this day), he is taking care of me, don't get me wrong, but there are things that I enjoy (and he knows that) and he never does them anymore. That is hard to take. I know everyone could say he was having an affair, but he gave me no reason to believe so. We work in the same company and he is to proud to have an affair at his workplace (he would hate people talking about him like that), and he never went out by himself on weekend.
And, what do you know, the wheel does turn. No idea way, maybe midlife crises or something, but I started to want more of a real relationship with my husband and yes, as crazy as it is, sex. Daily, why not? Go ahead and smile.
Last year has been hard on me. He started new sports, he always wants me to go with him but going uphill on your bike for hours is so no my idea of fun. He works long ours and his job is difficult, yes, but I feel bad when he does not offer to help with the house work on weekends. He thinks he does enough just by getting home a fat paycheck and I should do the rest. We could pay someone to do it, sure we can afford that, but he thing is no big deal to do what I do, so many women are doing it, so what?
He also wants me to be happy and talk all the time with him, my depression and my tears manage to annoy him and push him from me more. But I am not happy, so how can I just keep smiling and creating that light and stress free environment he seems to want? He does not touch me unless is sex (about once every 10-14 days now, better than 2 years ago) or if he's teasing me some way. A light kiss when he comes from work, yes, but feels just like a rutine, nothing more. A hug or real kiss? Hardly ever. However, he can be very affectionate with the children. To envy your children, how sad is that...
Just to make sure you understand is not all bad I'll tell you that is spite of him having a much higher position at work he often calls me to ask my opinion, he said that sometimes I can see things better that him, and he shares with me his problems, insecurites, all that. We can have really good conversations sometimes.
He also feels I am way too sensitive. Anything he says goes to my heart, and sometimes it's just a joke, but I think I feel unloved and unappreciated, and that's why I only want to hear good things from him. I can't stand to hear that bethroom is not very clean, or we're out of mustard again, or food is too hot, or thing like that. Makes me feel like he does not love me because of all my shortcomings. That's probably not true, but that's how I feel.
So, to sum this up, I know he should be more affectionate with me, appreciate me more, keep what I want in mind when it comes to sex...however, there is no way I can make him do all this.
So, the question is, what can I do? Loose the weight, I know, and I will for him but also for me, but this takes time and I want to do something now. I asked him why he does not feel the need to be close to me and he said probably because of all the history, all unmet needs, all the fight. Well, I can't change that. So now what?
Accept to do all housework without expecting any help? Act all happy no meter how sad I feel? Make sure the soup is never, ever too hot? Let him say everything he wants about what I don't do right without letting that depress me? How can I do that??? I should change myself and not expect him to do it right away, but that's so hard. So, story was long, but any advice?
Thanks.

Welcome to MB.

You have found the best place to learn to have a romantic marriage.

Have you read all the links in here?
Start Here First-Welcome Aboard

Yes, thank you, I've been reading advice from this site, still not sure how to fix it.

aia, if you and your husband went through this program you could turn this all around completely. You could fall in love again and learn to meet each others needs in a way that makes you both happy. I can tell that one of your top emotional needs is affection and your husband simply doesn't know HOW to meet your need effectively. This program would teach him how.

What is lacking here are the necessary skills to resolve problems in a way that protects the love in your marriage. If you will read this article, it explains how the program works. How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love to Your Marriage

Would he agree to counsel with the Harleys? Most couples that show up here needing help have at least one reluctant spouse. Dr Harley's children, Dr Jennifer Chalmers and Steve Harley do counseling and they are very effective in persuading reluctant spouses to get on board. See, it is in your husbands best interest to have a happy, romantic marriage but he doesn't know how to achieve that. People buy things when they see a perceived benefit. They could show him how this program would benefit him.

The Harleys are completely different from other counselors in that they don't waste any time. They assess your situation and give you a plan. They are action oriented versus feeling oriented.

When women are depressed it is usually because of their marriage, by the way.

We live in Europe and my husband would never agree to that.Some time ago after reading on this site I asked him by email what are the top 5 things he needs from me. He never answered the email but told me later that taking about it like that does not help and I should know the answer. He's right, I know he wants me to take better care of myself and look better, be a better and happier companion for him and keep the house in order without complaning or asking for help.
I was hoping to find advice on how to get the mindset to give him all that when he ignores my most important need.

That won't get you a healthy marriage, though.. That will just cause resentment and make the situation worse.

Once again, I would try counseling with the Harleys. They might be able to sell him on the idea of having a happy, romantic marriage. WE have many Europeans who counsel with them over the phone. They won't counsel you together anyway, so you don't need his agreement for now. Steve Harley could tell you what to say to persuade him to speak to him and get his perspective on the marriage.

Sorry, but not possible.
If I can get any advice here would be great. If not I will try to figure out by myself what to do.

There isn't anything we can do to help if you won't take the advice, though. Sorry.

Is not that I don't want to, I just can't!
I have seen people post their problems here and get more than just " get therapy with Harleys", so I was expecting the same thing. If it's not possible, than that's fine. Thanks.

Sorry you didn't like those answers. If you know of a better way to motivate your husband I think you should try it. I wish you the best..

Have you read this?

How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts
and Restore Love to Your Marriage
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/mb.cfm/9/58

Yes, I did. And my husband is not in love with me anymore, which is why he does not feel like giving me affection. So I have to do all the work for the begining, until I make some deposits in his love bank. Is that the message I should get?

Can you email them?

Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question.

I'm sorry to hear about this very sad situation, aia. I had a marriage like that, where my H just was not interested in me. The deadlock was broken by his having an affair, so I obviously cannot recommend our path to you.

You mentioned your depression in an earlier post, and you do emphasise that you lack the ability to do something about the things that you know he would like you to improve. You seem to have identified his ENs quite well, and you want a happy marriage, but you seem unable to improve the things that you are not doing very well.

I think you would benefit from a consultation with your doctor about depression. He might feel that a course of anti-depressants would be beneficial to you.

There are alternatives to medication, such as daily, vigorous exercise, which would also help with your weight management, and herbal remedies such as St john's Wort, that people speak highly of. You could also join a weight management programme where members meet weekly and support each other. The support and friendship would probably help with your motivation.

I think there might be an underlying problem of depression.

Thank you for advice, SugarCane!
I'm really not sure depresion is the right word, but I am sad a lot and don't have the energy to do as much as I want to. My husband is not all that bad, and he can be very nice...but does not show me affection. Well, not the way I want to. Like today he knew I was out of milk for my capucino and went to the store to get it, without me asking him. Which I appreciate...but still need a hug and a kiss.
I will try out your advice and concentrate on getting my diet in order and exercise . Maybe that would help on several levels. Thanks again.

Don't try this alone. You've been doing it alone so far and it hasn't worked.

Join a group or an online programme with accountability. I think accountability will make all the difference for you.

I asked my H for an annual exercise classes membership where I work, for Christmas. I then pledged to go to enough classes to make the annual fee worthwhile. I have been to every class that I possibly could, either at lunchtimes or at 5PM, sometimes doing a double class if it is something like weight training followed by spinning - using different kinds of muscle-work. I "paid off" the membership fee by late March, I have new muscles and I look a lot better, and I have lost about 12 pounds since new year - nothing startling, but manageable for me, and such fun. I never thought I'd like kickboxing!

Could you do something like that, or perhaps even go on an exercise boot camp for a week, to kick-start your motivation? I think that you might need something radical with accountability built in, in order to get into good habits.

There are other ways of motivating yourself about housework, too. People here have written about the FlyLady website, which encourages you to tackle a small amount, rigorously, every day. Have you heard of it?

I am not offering these things instead of the advice to get your H to use the full MB programme, but in addition to it. Yo are not going to solve your marital problems by one-sidedly cleaning the house and losing weight. These things aren't going to tackle your H's motivation. But they will definitely give you confidence and improve you self-esteem. Nevertheless, the best cure for low confidence and self-esteem is a happy marriage. It is amazing how depression disappears when a woman has this.

I live in Europe too - London. I used the coaching centre on my own, just once, and they got my H to speak to them, just once, and that had a tremendous effect on his attitude (to ending his affair - which is not your problem as far as I can see). I would speak to them yourself. What have you got to lose? I can't see why you were so dismissive of that advice.

I really appreciate you taking the time to write all this. I think you are probably right. I will try, but it's hard, I get home at 6 pm at best every day, and since my husband comes home even later my kids would never spend time with a parant if I go to gym and be home by 8. I know I need to do it for me, it's just hard. I see what I can do about it.
Are you saying whatever I do my husband will not change? I am not dismisive of the advice, but I live in a country where therapy by phone will probably cost my monthly salary. My husband will not agree to that since he does not belive in this way of fixing the problem and I can' t go without his consent. He would never spend money unless I know and I agree, so I need to do the same.
Thanks again, I will try a way to get the exercise and be accountable for it and I will check the website you said.

I'm not saying that the gym is the only solution to your problems. In fact, I hate proper gyms (with running machines etc) and I only ever go to the exercise classes.

But your point is one of time, which I appreciate. My kids are much older than yours and don't need hours of my attention, and my H is retired and at home all day, so I usually come home to someone else having cooked my supper (my daughter loves cooking), and I can veg out all evening if I want to.

However, before I got this exercise membership I became a keen runner almost by accident. My friend and I went to an exercise class and found it cancelled, and went for a run in the park instead because we were all dressed in our lycra and geared up for exercise, and could not run 20 yards. We were horrified. We decided to go twice a week, together, Saturday mornings and one morning before work (at about 8AM). We kept that up for 10 years until last autumn. I got so much confidence that I could go alone as well, and so usually managed 3 sessions of about 4 miles each week for that ten years. When D Day hit in 2005, running became an obsession and between it and the infidelity diet I lost a lot of weight and looked fabulous.

Before his knees finally gave way after much football-playing in his youth, my H would sometimes come with me to the park. I was happy for us to split up at the park gates and meet up after we'd done our separate runs, but would your H go with you and run beside you, even if he does not get much out of it himself? Indeed, when my 9-10 year-old son was bored, he would come out with me on his bike. He found it funny to cycle in circles around me, calling out instructions. If he had a friend over, I would tell him to bring his bike to play, and we would all go out, me and my two bodyguards. If you have a dog you could turn a walk into a very brisk walk with the odd bit of trotting thrown in, until your breathing improves and you can run with the dog.

Can you find a friend, your husband, a child or a dog to go out with, perhaps early before work, or in these light evenings? I have in the past got up at 6.30 to go, and I regularly used to go after work, with my son, at 6PM when the daylight was good. There was a time when I would drop my son at a gymnastics class for an hour in the evenings, then run round the school running track, then pick him up and go home to shower.

You can do a lot from home if you need to be home with your kids. You can get some cheap weights and a skipping rope and do weights, skipping and squats in the back garden while they laugh at you.

Don't make excuses why you can't do this. Be creative and make it happen - and involving your H will improve your marriage, too.

And no, not I'm not saying that whatever you do alone will not work on your H. If he sees a real change from you he might well be motivated to spend more time having fun with you, which is the core of making this programme work. I am just trying not to burden you with the idea that you must bear the load alone.

Do you understand Dr Harley's concept of UA time? Do you and your H get out of the house alone together, to have fun? What do you do together? If you don't, then why not?

Aia,

I have 2 kids, the oldest is only 2. There are a lot of workouts that can be done at home just as good as, if not even more effective, than the gym. For example, kettlebells. I have several workouts, one of which is 12 minutes (only) of high intensity training that I can do when my baby is a fusspot and can't give me moer than 15 minutes. Some days, I am up at 5am training before he wakes (or after his last 4-5am feed).

It's work but most of all it is HABIT because eventually you learn to appreciate the "you" time that actually also fulfills your spouses's need for physical attractiveness (my husband, like most men, values this highly too).