See, different situation. I don' t even have any family around to help me, but I should just let some stuff go and take care of me.
We do spend time together, going to eat out or just a walk. A few times we managed to go on a few days vacantion alone, have one planned for july in fact. We talk a lot about diffrent problems...when we don't fight about something is like we are best friends. That's not bad, but at least for me...not enough.
My husband is more advanced in sports like biking snd skiing, but he will go slower with me if I want to go. Too many times I am too disapointed and sad to be in the mood for that. So it's like a cycle.
I actualy think that's the problem.

Why won't you at least email the Harleys? It's free.

Let's flesh out the "non-pharmaceutical" options for depression, SugarCane already mentioned St. John's wart and exercise.

For supplements; vitamins B6, folic acid, magnesium, and Omega-3's (think Fish Oil capsules) have shown to help improve mood.

Make sure you are getting 6-8 hours of good sleep each night. I have trouble falling asleep, so 5mg of melatonin helps with this.

Minimize any intake of caffiene - caffiene interupts rest, and caffiene "crashes" will worsen your mood. Also; avoid alcohol.

Watch your carbohydrate intake - high sugar meals will lead to a sugar "crash," worsening your mood.


Lastly - start building good, busy habits. Too much time to sit and think will just feed the obsessive thought processes of depression.



As for your busy habits; I would suggest printing out the available material here, or ordering the marriage builders books - and with either, really studying them. This means not just reading, but reading with 2 things in hand; a pen for making margin notes, and a highlighter for highlighting important sections.


Your depression may actually be a symptom of your marriage, and arming yourself to improve your marriage and/or move on if your husband won't get on board to do so will likely be a deciding factor in the long-term prognosis of your depression.

Thank you. I will try my best to do at least some of what you said. I'll email, buy some vitamins and read some more material.
I get about 6-7 hours of sleep, but my diet have too much sugar in it, so I need to make some changes there...but it's hard, I am probably adicted to it.
I have no intention to leave my husband, however. It would just be nice if we could start changing in the same time, it's hard to do it first just with the hope he'll be motivated to give you what you need.
Thanks, again. Talking about it has helped me, I think.

I think this is were I am now, this decribes best what my situation is:
"If you set a good example by meeting your spouse's needs first, alas, that usually means that your own needs are met last. Your Taker is not pleased with this arrangement, and may try to sabotage it. You will need to make a deliberate and patient effort to override the Taker's instinct to retreat back to fighting and name-calling. But if you resist that instinct to argue, and instead focus attention on behaving thoughtfully and meeting your spouse's needs, your spouse will be encouraged to reciprocate.

Granted, when in the state of Conflict, it's much more difficult to be thoughtful and meet each other's emotional needs. That's because the Taker's advice dominates the Giver's advice, and the Taker isn't interested in thoughtfulness or meeting someone else's needs. So if you want to return to Intimacy, you must override this instinct with great effort. Meeting an emotional need in marriage is easy when you are in the state of Intimacy, because the Giver encourages you to do just that. But in the state of Confict, it seems very unnatural and even unfair."

People makes suggestions like this because they have the knowledge and experience to see that you have not been successful at motivating your husband to meet your needs . Your marriage is sick, and after 20 years, it is getting worse. You can turn this around but having a 3rd party to help is better because obviously your husband doesn't see the benefit to listening to you.

The people here have nothing to gain by making these suggestions other than seeing lives change for the better.

Thank you for your advice.
I know a 3th opinion would benefit, and I know people are only trying to help by recommending this, but my H is not up to this. Not now.
As for the changes I'm trying to make, I'm not sure I understand you. Form this site I got the idea that you can make your spouse fall in love with you again ( and then he would meet your needs) if you will meet his needs. So if I know he wants my slim and wants a clean house and conversation without me looking so sad all the time, then by fixing these problems he should change too. One spouse can determine the other back in the Intimacy state, or so I've read here. Am I wrong?

And if he's not, at least I'll know I did all I could.

Thanks.

While it is possible to lure your H back into intimacy you will be far more effective if he provides input to what his ENs are and what he sees as your LBs. You can guess � good luck with that. I tried guessing what was blocking the romantic love in my M by myself for 10 years, attempting to apply what I learned on this site. It was ineffective. 2 months with my W and I talking with Dr J (Jennifer Chalmers) and our R is way different than it was before. We are definitely more in love and are more centered around providing care and protection of the M. The key being a mutual agreement to work this program.

You speaking for him in not participating in MB is NOT all you can do. I just want to point that out.

Ok, but if he does not want to talk about it with someone else and said I should now what his needs are as he was telling me about them for years, what can I do? I can only assume things he complains about are the ones that are important to him. And I can try to fix them. It's going to be hard, and sure it would be better if he did the same about my needs, but I'm not sure what else I should do. He's a big guy, can't really force him

I started on vitaminB6 and magnezium today, did a little exercise yesterday, will try to keep sugar out of my 1200-1400 calories diet.
If you think there is something different that I should do, than let me know, because I don't. I'm just trying to do my part and keep things pleasant and calm at home.

The trouble with your plan is it is all one sided. You are going to Plan A his butt off by getting in shape, being more pleasant, taking better care of yourself, etc. Meanwhile you drain your tank trying to entice him into meeting your needs.

Your M could use some better behaviors. I would try to get him involved in learning about Dr. Harley's program. This may but doesn't have to include seeing a counselor. Not yet anyways.

Sure, let him know you�re going to work on a few things to improve the way you meet his needs but I�d be radically honest with him. Let him know your R is missing something. Some spark. Some Romance. Let him know some of your needs aren�t being taken care of. Let him know there are still some fundamental behaviors missing in your M that go above and beyond you not getting your needs met.

How much Undivided Attention time do you and him get during the week meeting the 4 intimate needs of Conversation, Affection, SF and Recreational Companionship? Serious alone time . No distractions. No kids. No other couples, etc. Just you and him interacting.

How Open and Honest (Policy of Radical Honesty - PORH) is your R?

Do you to have Independent Behaviors or do you make all decisions that are mutually enthusiastic to the both of you (POJA)?

I really like what DidntQuit posted to you. The concept of MB is so foreign to most married couples. That's because most Ms don't have a plan or a recipe for success. They go into it with blind faith and unconditional love.

By the time the R starts to deteriorate most spouses have got their Taker out or they�re in such a Giver mode that neither is helping the R grow. Instead they enable more bad behaviors.

Dr. Harley�s program has a plan for all that. A marriage plan. Go figure. Who�d a thunk it.

I emailed him a while ago an article from this site. Asked ab out it later, he said he didn't have time to read. I insisted and he got upset with my "internet stuff", while to him it was clear what the problems are. S o what do you want me to do???
He knows I'm not happy and something is missing for me, but he said it's just what he feels. Or not feel, to be more exact. I will le him know I'm trying to change things, but I am not going to pressure him on the subject, maybe try with more subtile ways. I asked him today if he wants to go for a run when he gets home and he said sure.
And to answer a question we spend time together, don't know how many hours, walking, going out for dinner without the kids. I think we are open and honest and so far nothing happend in our family unless we both agree. Sometimes one of us will just give in, but at least we don't just go ahead and whatever.
I know you think he should participate from the beginning, I just don't think it will happend by talking. If he will see I'm serious about changing...maybe he'll do it too.

Whoa. We certainly weren't recommending you make a demand. That's not the way to move things in a positive direction.

Please read this ---> When to tell your spouse "We have a problem."

You are going to keep getting the same advice here. Get yourself some professional help if you can't get your relunctant spouse on board.

If you can�t get him on board with a thoughtful request it is time for you to go solo with a professional from this site. They are very good at helping individuals getting their relunctant spouses on board. Your H needs to hear what is in it for him and they�ll help you get there.

Aia, I would also check out this article. In it, Dr H advises a woman in a similar situation. He has expounded on this advice on his radio show and told other women to give their husband a "Plan A" letter where she outlines how sad she is about the state of the marriage and tells him what she will need from him to be happy. She then does a fairly short Plan A. If he refuses to meet her needs, then separation is warranted. In the case study in this article, that is how the marriage was transformed. http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2264789#Post2264789

My husband likes to talk to me, he's honest, provides a more than fine financiar support and is commited to the family. That's four needs out of five, as I am a typical woman. Just because he does not feel attracted to me now I'm not going to even think about separation. I think I was the one failling to meet his needs for many years. So I will try that plan A and if nothing happends maybe insist some more on couseling, as I know you are right to recommand it. Like I said, it will cost money and I can' t spend it without his agreement.
Maybe I'll say something about reading from this site, see what he will say.

Thank you for writing to me!

The whole point of meeting ENs in marriage is to create romance and happiness. If you are not happy then your needs are not being met effectively. (FS does not produce romantic love since it is not an intimate EN)

That is the whole point of the Plan A letter. To help your husband understand what it will take to make you happy.

i get the sense that you are not really looking for solutions but for easy, window dressing moves that will make you feel like you are doing something. Even with Plan A, that is not intended to be a way of life for conflict avoiders, but a very short term plan to prime the
pump. If it does not produce a result in a short period of time, Dr Harley recommends separation for the reasons explained in the article. Did you actually read the article?

You do understand that success is contingent upon taking ACTION? And I would not include blogging on that list.

Yes, I read the article.
And I told him already many times what it will take to make me happy, he just can't feel like giving it to me. Do you really think just repeting myself in a letter will make the difference?

What I am trying to do is Not an easy move and I can only hope it's not more Action that I can handle. That is way I am on this forum. To get encoraged to meet my H 's needs, as it's said on this site it is what brings back the happiness.

Well, you won't know unless you try. How long are you willing to try Plan A? And what is your plan if he still refuses to meet our needs?

I don't know what I will do, but to have separation in mind would be very demotivating for me.
I don't know also for how long I can do it, I just started. And I hope my H will notice soon. Do you really advice that I plan for separation if he's not??