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I texted the last message and then changed my cell number on 2/9/12. This was the last contact in any form.
The NC letter:
I want you to know that out of respect and the love I have for my husband and my four children, I have come to the deep realization that I must never have any contact or see you again for the rest of my life. My relationship with you was a cruel and extremely selfish act that my husband did not deserve. I will never be able to completely repay the pain I caused my husband by my actions, I will pray and do everything in my power to become the wife he deserves. My love for my husband and my children are my greatest concern and I do not want to do anything that would harm their happiness in the future. I will never make any kind of contact with you again and ask that you respect that decision by never contacting me. I know we have not had contact for a year but felt this letter brings closure to our relationship which is necessary for our spouses� healing and honor they deserve.
God bless your family,
Yes I gave it to my husband for his approval. WHEN did you send this? And WHY did you send it if you have not been in contact with the POS? HOW did you send it? I had another post that I erased because I was completely confused myself. I *think* she means she sent a secret NC text last year -- and that this NCL above is the one she just wrote and gave to her BH for his approval recently. But the way that she writes it is confusing so it would be great, TF, if you could clear this up.
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When was D-day? Please remind me.
And, by D-day I mean the date he knew the entire truth. My BH posted this:
BH Late for the Sky
FWW Trueform
DD 15,DS's 20,18,12
Rolling DDay 1.8.12, 2.7.12, 3.6.12, 3.7.12, 1.20.13, ....
Married 21 years
EA 9/09 to 1/12
I had some really bad counsel from a priest that told me not to reveal any information. For a month he knew about an email, then about a month later in counseling with this priest I told him a little more, but not much. My H was extremely angry after that information came out; I left for a retreat house when I came home after 4 days my H was very much changed he was welcoming. I was only a little open and still getting bad counsel. A month later I give my H the cell phone records. A day later I found MB told my H I meet OM for dinner. We have countless time going over things but mostly him talking. Then I posted on here in Jan.2013. Some more details came out. TF, I am having a knee-jerk reaction to the way you answered Pep's question. Because it is vague which to me is a red flag. What is the exact date that you told BH everything, every last detail? January 20? You never answered this. Is 1/20/2013 the date you told your BH every last detail about anything you may have been keeping from him?
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Trueform: The most accurate polygraph exam tests a single issue. (The more issues tested, the less accurate the results.) Your examiner crammed 3 different issues into your polygraph exam. Moreover, your examiner only asked about sexual contact with OM during a single evening of your 3-year affair. Lastly, your examiner provided you with "results" for a question which cannot be accurately tested via polygraph. (A polygraph can only test questions regarding a person's memory. Question #3 does not test memory, so the "results" you were given for that question cannot be considered valid. You might as well have asked a Magic 8 ball if you were telling the truth.)
IMO, the reason you and LastefortheSky haven't been able to move forward is because you are still being deceptive, so you are still in a false recovery. I think it would be a really helpful if you took a legitimate polygraph exam from a certified professional.
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I'm afraid Trueform hasn't provided a full-disclosure date because full disclosure still hasn't occurred.
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I'm afraid Trueform hasn't provided a full-disclosure date because full disclosure still hasn't occurred. She wants to know if/when she will be "forgiven" prior to full disclosure. Wayward illogic.
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Regarding the poly this is exactly how the question was defined. You previously posted the 3 issues that were tested during your polygraph, and none of them were the same as the issue I recommended (posted below in italics). Why did you imply that the issue I recommended was the same as one of your tested issues? That isn't even remotely true.
"Excluding the kiss Trueform already admitted to, has Trueform had sexual contact with anyone other than LatefortheSky since they've been married?"
* "Sexual contact" should be defined in advance.
We spoke with the examiner for about 30-40mins defining all the questions. I didn't suggest "defining all the questions"; I suggested defining the term "sexual contact" so you wouldn't have any wiggle room. Please stop convoluding things to avoid being held accountable for your own comments. And as I explained previously, a legitimate examiner would not have agreed to test the third question because it is not a valid polygraph question.I had never taken a poly before. That is irrelevant. The examiner went over the results with my husband, he was able to see the results for himself. The examiner provided your husband with results which cannot be considered valid. That "exam" was just a waste of money. Actually, it was worse than a waste of money because it enabled you to perpetuate yet another false recovery.
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I wrote the NC letter as healing for my BH that I was serious about never having contact with the OM, you see about 7 months ago my BH asked me a hypothetical question.
"Would I promise to never contact the OM even if the OM's wife died and my BH died?"
Well 7 months ago I said I promise, but thought I can do what ever I want after you are dead. But as time has cleared my head I can answer yes I promise to that hypothetical question and see the wisdom in doing so. That is why I wrote the NC letter I gave it to my BH and told him about my thoughts, because I was serious about the NC and wanted him to understand just how serious. Because of the length of time and my BH talking to the OM's wife so much my BH never wanted any letter to be sent. I never sent a NC letter.
I gave my husband more details after 1/20/2013 about thoughts and feelings I had.
This weekend I was O&H about every sexual thing I have ever done in my past.
This morning my BH LatefortheSky posted about this RH and his feelings.
Before we dated I used to go to churches and give talks about my past and how Jesus' saves repent sinners. He attended one of those talks I was also very open on our first date about my past, I did not go into great detail but I was open. He now says he thinks he would have not have married me if he knew everything.
I have not manipulated my husband by lying by his own admission this past weekend he said he thought of me as a girlfriend after we were married because of my past that he never loved me like a wife.
This is all going off on a tangent sorry.
True form
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On his thread, I suggested TFT get from you a timeline starting at....I don't know - the first time you had sex?..... until now, of all the little secrets and dealings that he must now have knowledge of. Obviously, the interval of your plotting your re-attachment to POSOM - e-mails, texts, phone calls, etc - will be the highest points of interest. Anything else post-marriage will also be extremely pertinent.
I (personally, not sure where this stands in MB doctrine) do not give him license to be "shocked" or "dismayed" at anything that happened pre-marriage UNLESS HE ASKED YOU THEN, AND YOU LIED TO HIM! In other words, if he knew you were not as pure as driven snow, but left it at that, he cannot now get away with retroactively "un-proposing"!
Anyway, you should draw up that timeline for him, TF. And it need not be stressed that it must be brutally honest and complete.
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I wrote the NC letter as healing for my BH that I was serious about never having contact with the OM, you see about 7 months ago my BH asked me a hypothetical question.
"Would I promise to never contact the OM even if the OM's wife died and my BH died?"
Well 7 months ago I said I promise, but thought I can do what ever I want after you are dead. But as time has cleared my head I can answer yes I promise to that hypothetical question and see the wisdom in doing so. You just wrote that you saw the wisdom in giving him that answer, which is not the same as saying you saw the wisdom in that answer. That is why I wrote the NC letter I gave it to my BH and told him about my thoughts, because I was serious about the NC and wanted him to understand just how serious. Because of the length of time and my BH talking to the OM's wife so much my BH never wanted any letter to be sent. I never sent a NC letter. You decided to reassure your husband by writing a NC letter with no intention of sending it to OM?
I gave my husband more details after 1/20/2013 about thoughts and feelings I had. You were asked to provide the date when full disclosure finally occurred, and you still haven't provided the date. Is that because it hasn't yet occurred?
This weekend I was O&H about every sexual thing I have ever done in my past.
This morning my BH LatefortheSky posted about this RH and his feelings.
Before we dated I used to go to churches and give talks about my past and how Jesus' saves repent sinners. He attended one of those talks I was also very open on our first date about my past, I did not go into great detail but I was open. He now says he thinks he would have not have married me if he knew everything. Again, I feel like you are deliberately convoluding the issues in order to avoid giving straight answers. I'm quite sure your husband did not say he expected you to disclose every detail of your sexual history on your first date.
I have not manipulated my husband by lying That is a blatant lie. You already admitted to manipulating him by lying about your affair. You even manipulated us by lying about your affair. Please stop. his own admission this past weekend he said he thought of me as a girlfriend after we were married because of my past that he never loved me like a wife. Whether he thought of you as a girlfriend has no relation to the fact that you've been manipulating him through lies--of omission and commission--since before you even married him.
This is all going off on a tangent sorry.
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I wrote: But as time has cleared my head I can answer yes I promise to that hypothetical question and see the wisdom in doing so.
Yes I promise is what I said... then I handed my husband the NC letter and said he could send the NC letter. Then my BH came here to the board and talked about it, please check his tread.
My husband has all the information about the A.
The reason I wrote about our first date is because I was very open about my past. It wasn't until after he married me he wanted to know details.
The board helped bring out more details about the A. I am committed to telling the truth about everything and have told my husband everything. What is it that you think I am lying about?
Last edited by Trueform; 03/27/13 04:49 PM.
True form
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I wrote: But as time has cleared my head I can answer yes I promise to that hypothetical question and see the wisdom in doing so.
Yes I promise is what I said... then I handed my husband the NC letter and said he could send the NC letter. Then my BH came here to the board and talked about it, please check his tread.
My husband has all the information about the A.
The reason I wrote about our first date is because I was very open about my past. It wasn't until after he married me he wanted to know details.
The board helped bring out more details about the A. I am committed to telling the truth about everything and have told my husband everything. What is it that you think I am lying about? The board did not "help bring out more details about the A"; the board caught you in numerous lies, so you disclosed some more "trickle truth." You still haven't answered the question that started this whole sequence of posts: On what date did you disclose everything? I'll answer your question very directly: I don't think your husband is the only person you've had sexual contact with since you've been married. If you were speaking from experiential memory, your story would not change each time you tell it. You've weaved quite a tangled web...
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1/20/13 my BH had full disclosure.
My husband is the only man or person I have had any sexual contact with since I have been married.
You did not define sexual contact so I assume you meant had sex with or touched in any sexual manner.
The one time I met the OM I did hug the OM, held his hand and one kiss goodbye. These all took place in a public place. My husband has known this information for maybe 10 months. I hugged and kissed my husband in the same way to show my BH so he would know exactly what happened.
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Still no answer to NG's timeline suggestion. Doesn't matter what you tell us it matter what your husband thinks. Does he feel your still lying? I'm sure he does! That's a big roadblock on your path to recovery.
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Still no answer to NG's timeline suggestion. Doesn't matter what you tell us it matter what your husband thinks. Does he feel your still lying? I'm sure he does! That's a big roadblock on your path to recovery. Trueform said 1/20/13 was the final d-day, but LatefortheSky's signature line (in italics below) suggests he isn't so sure about that: _________________________
ME BS
FWW Trueform
DD 15,DS's 20,18,12
Rolling DDay 1.8.12, 2.7.12, 3.6.12, 3.7.12, 1.20.13, ....
Married 21 years
EA 9/09 to 1/12
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I was also very open on our first date about my past, I did not go into great detail but I was open. He now says he thinks he would have not have married me if he knew everything.
I have not manipulated my husband by lying Your husband's post (in italics below) contradicts your claim that you simply withheld details: "Withholding information before we were married may seem OK to some folks but it is a very big deal for me. I asked some of these things straight up and was lied to. I should have been honestly answered when I asked about her previous boyfriend (a very friendly acquaintance of mine), instead of hearing the truth months after marriage....I should have been given the opportunity to sort things out before we took vows."You said more trickle truth came out last weekend, but you are now committed to being open and honest. So why are you still posting deceptive comments? I don't understand.
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JessicaClaire,
I did withhold information about some sexual relationships I had in the past from my husband before we got married. I should have come to him and told him the whole truth before we got married. Things should have been sorted out first then he could have made a clear decision with full knowledge.
I pray everyday and work everyday to make some restitution because I can see the deep pain I have caused my husband. He has no peace I have ripped it from his life. I have promised and will continue to work everyday to meet his EN. But you can imagine he does not feel very much for me. I know he has cause to D me after my two half year A and then the tickle truth I put him through. We have been praying a lot. But his emotions are fried and he goes up and down because of what I did and how I handled not be truthful from Dday.
The last weekend tickle truth you were referring to above is historical RO, it was not more information about the A. Yes I am committed to being OH and will not post deceptive comment any more; I am sorry and thank you for pushing me to see what I was doing to all of you and more importantly to my husband.
Thanks for all the words of wisdom God keeps calling for surrender. Thanks for all the prayers as well. I am committed to being a christian and the foundation of following Christ is truth.
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When you ask your BH what he needs from you. What does he say?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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My husband needs OH in all things. Really letting go of myself and revealing myself to him.
He desires to know that I Love him only (HIS One and Only).
He wants me to schedule the UA time, this has been difficult a few of the times have been talking about painful emotions that he feels. So the UA time is strained and not the 15hrs. minimum needed. We do spend a lot of time together lunch every day, and every night, but with 4 kids in and out. The weekends and walks after dinner seam to be the best time.
SF He likes to have sex every night and I like to also.
AS I had been working out and losing weight.
These are same of the things he is saying.
Thanks for your questions I need your help because I desperately want to have peace return to my husband and his smile. He has a wonderful sense of humor and smile.
True form
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Update
Things have been a roller coaster ride of emotions for my BH I never know what kind of mood he will be in. I'm on eggs shells all the time. I am trying to be consistent in my mood, loving and positive that we can heal. We will make it. Loving him and working with no expectations. But him throwing me out is a scary thought.
I am committed to doing whatever it takes to help him heal. He seems filled with anger and tells me sometimes he struggles moment by moment with painful thoughts and then some hope. He has expressed that our marriage will never be good again. He�s not sure if he wants the POS leftovers.
I tell him I will win him back and our marriage will be better, that we can understand each other better and have a great marriage. He thinks I speak in platitudes.
Also he reads the board a lot; some of the recovering couples don�t seem all that recovered (his thoughts) and that fuels the doubt that we will ever be happy again.
On a good note we have had a few UA dates that went much better. I have made a UA time word doc. so we can fill it out once a week. He seemed happy with that. SF has been better for him just recently. What do you guys think? What is the next step to help us rebuild. I was reading and found this on the website.
Dr. Harley�s letter:
�But once apologies are made, a couple should move on to the business of rebuilding their relationship, and not dwell on the mistakes of their past. As much as you may want to talk about the affair or about any other mistake made, remember that every conversation on those subjects withdraw love units. And a Love Bank must first be overflowing with love units before you are in a position to waste any.�
The pain my husband feels is so great that seems impossible at times to move out of the past. I think the key is the UA time right? How many of the recovered couples talk with Steve or get help with the online program? I really love my husband and want him to be in love with me.
Any advice is appreciated. Thanks
True form
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I don't know where your husband is reading, but he might want to scan some of the success stories in this thread.
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