I wouldn't be demotivated about possible separation since that might be a solution. The goal is to solve the problem, right? You want what that woman in the article got, don't you? See, long plan A's are not very successful for women. There are a couple of reasons. The first is that meeting ENs with little to no reciprocation wears a woman down quickly. They experience emotional and physical damage from doing this too long.

The second reason is that competing for a man is unattractive and often can have the opposite effect. I would think that if your Plan A is going to make a difference, you should see big changes within 3 months. If not, you might have to accept that separation has to be part of the solution. I would plan for that eventuality so you are prepared.

Well, I really can't bring myself to consider that now. Two months from now? I don't know. But what I am sure is that I need to find enough motivation to at least start changing and that keep that enough for him to see a difference. There is at least hope that can help, right?

You are motivated to do what it takes to have a great marriage, right? Does that motivate you? And wouldn't you be more motivated if you planned to succeed? How motivated will you be if you don't see results in 3 months? My point is that you can't throw all your hopes into one basket. It is better to accept that plan A alone might not achieve your goal and plan for that eventuality.

I would put off worrying about what you're going to actually do once you complete a Plan A. It's hard for you to know what you�re going to feel like say 3 months from now. You�ll cross that road when you get there. However you need to let him know now it is your hope that things change � for everybody.

I would focus your energy on how you're going to do this Plan A. Mel has given you great insight on what to do. I know you don't want to do the letter because your H is only willing to do what he wants to do and gives you a hard time no matter what you do. But avoiding what you feel is a confrontation could hurt your Plan A.

You can�t control him but you can control you. You can set a path, communicate that path to him, letting him know you hope for change, with possible consequences if they don�t and then you head down that path. Do the best Plan A ever. Radical Honesty.

So maybe you don�t throw down the separation card but you can certainly say it will be difficult to stay in a M where you aren�t happy.

I just re-read the article and noticed that Dr Harley recommends ONE month of Plan A, so I was incorrect when I said three months. And in his advice he never says to tell the spouse that you will separate, but to let it come as a surprise.

Aia, would you classify yourself as a conflict avoider?

Short Answer: YES.

Long Answer: Everyone else has given you sufficient help to get you going. But, I will tell you a bit about my history and hope that it will help motivate you to avoid the conflict and follow through with your gut on this stuff.

Had I arrived here many years ago, I would have resisted the advice to separate as well. I would have thought that separation is for people having affairs or who just couldn't get along. I would have felt like a failure, and gotten flack from my family. I would have thought that these people were crazy, and pushing divorce. But that is not the case. IMO it is better to have the crisis now, in order to build a healthy marriage for the future. The sooner you start better marital habits, the less damage is done, and the better chance for happiness later.

My husband disconnected right after the wedding. Almost like, now we're married, time for real life, not dating anymore. I FELT my husband didn't care about me, but I did not want to BELIEVE that he didn't. I thought that I could be patient and that over time, he would change. I tried to solve the problems that he VERBALIZED, which of course, didn't bring us any closer. They were SYMPTOMS of UNDERLYING, FOUNDATIONAL PROBLEMS with how we were relating.

I held out, and things got very bad. He knew that I was the problem(true),and I knew that he was the problem (true). Over the years, we went to several counselors who neither diagnosed properly nor gave solutions. I felt invisible, imprisoned and cheated. I got angry and he got to the point of wanting a divorce.

After learning a better way, and making significant progress, my husband has told me several times that I SHOULD HAVE separated from him early on, since he was so resistant to caring for/working with me.

Whatever problems you have in your marriage are a result of both of your ideas about marriage and your habits. The bad news is that most people don't change their thinking without a crisis of some sort showing them what they will lose if they don't, and what they stand to gain if they do.

The good news? If you ultimately need to separate to get the point across, you have AWESOME TOOLS and the instruction of an experienced, successful, psychologist who educates in a way that appeals to men. The basic rules which Dr. Harley lays out, are more helpful than years of therapy visits. You can continue to learn on your own. In fact, you can do much of the beginning stages on your own, just as prior posters have mentioned.

I agree with Melody Lane about writing a Plan A letter. I think that if I had put my feelings into writing years ago, at least my husband would have seen that I was SERIOUS, and that my love for him was diminishing. It's also a great opportunity to express your love for him and desire for him to be happy too. To let him know that all is not lost, just because you are complaining. Duh. Why didn't I think of that so many years ago?

The worst thing you can do is to avoid the conflict and hide your disappointment. That is completely UNFAIR to your husband. Respectfully give him the clear, direct truth, and a layout of what you would like to see, and you will learn a lot by how he responds.

And....when discussing all of this with him, it will help tremendously if you have a pleasant, hopeful attitude, and a big SMILE.

Good example/post DidntQuit

As I said, I told my H that I'm not happy and I want our M to be different many, many times, but since he has his own complaines that ended up in fights almost every time. So I don't see how I am a conflict avoider and my H could never say it was not fair to him because he did not know how serious it was for me.
On the other hand he told me my attractivness was very important to him for years, but I just liked chocolate better. So now I loose 3-4 pounds in a month and than get him out of the house if he does not get with the changes? That just does not seem right, I'm sorry.
"And in his advice he never says to tell the spouse that you will separate, but to let it come as a surprise." - this sounds like manipulation to me.

I'm not trying to say your advice is not good, but just that every situation is different. It's a case where we BOTH failed to meet each other's needs and just because I try to make some changes for a month does not seem right to take such a drastic step if it takes him longer to do the same. Now if 3 months from now I made serious progress and he makes no effort to appreciate me or at least start to do the same...that is probably a point where something has to happen.

I really hope you don't see my answer as not wanted to take your advice...I really appreciate it and talking about it with you all helped me to be more aware that some changes are really needed in my M.

Dr Harley only recommends a short time for women. It isn�t written in stone though! You decided how long you can continue to do a Plan A. Your barometer will be your lovebank. If you feel you are losing your feelings of love for him THAT IS WHEN something has to happen. That something is Plan B (separation). FYI Plan B is more than just a separation. You may end up having to educate yourself on that sooner or later.

But you aren�t there yet. Right now you�re in Plan A. And the first step for you doing your Plan A is to let your H know what your intentions are. To lay them out there in front of him so he can, in effect, hold you accountable. It is what we all need from our spouses. �I�m going to do this.�. Him: �You aren�t doing these things.�. And so on �.

Here is why I love this site. You can put together a Plan A letter. Show it to the wonderful posters on this forum and they will help you critique it (while also educating you why it is being crafted the way it is). You will learn while you put to use some powerful actions that are going to reshape your M.

If I were you I would read DidntQuit�s last post over and over. It is well said and I think hits to the heart of what you need to sink into your head. Right now your conflict avoider is preventing you from taking it all in.


Never, ever fight with your H. NEVER!!

Here is where my W and I ALWAYS got stuck. We�d spend all our time saying �Oh yeah, well look at what you do !!!!!�. We�d never get anywhere because we would both be so defensive about our position. Never did we seek to understand the other person�s perspective. Nope. We were too busy tossing our Taker out there.

The next time he complains (regardless if he�s doing the defensive thing I just mentioned or not) you thank him for his complaints. You say back to him what you heard AND if you know of things you can or are going to do to remedy his complaints you let him know of those things.

That will be the way YOU CHANGE the M. You be the lighthouse. You show him the proper way to file complaints and the proper response to them.

Aia, you have much to learn and you are in the perfect place to do just that. Stick around, keep reading, order more of Dr Harleys materials. Things will get better. Have you read all the non-infidelity and non-addiction related Articles under the Articles link in the banner at the top?

I really like and understand your post. There are some things that got to me from it. Thank you.

I did not read much about the ifidelity or affairs, since we never had that problem, but I think I read everthing else on the site, Q&A included. I got a little better at calming a situation down in the last few days exactlly in the way you suggested, but I'm still having problems with the diet. Sometimes I'm so upset with me for not being able to stick to it. I need a better plan for that part.

Thanks again.

Didn�t you say your H invited you to partake in some exercise together? Dr Harley believes exercising is one of the BEST things a couple can do together. It deposits lots of love units. Maybe you could negotiate what kind and how strenuous of a routine you�re willing to do?

Manipulation would be if you used separation to manipulate him. You are not doing that. The whole point of Plan A is to meet his needs and show a willingness for the one month before separation. So in that time, you would demonstrate a willingness to meet his needs. You don't have to lose ALL the weight, just show him that you are working on it.

So, you don't need to wait 3 months to effectively demonstrate your willingness to make changes. It might take you longer than that to arrange a separation, of course. Have you been thinking about how you would do it?

And are you working on the Plan A letter?

What kind of diet are you on and how much weight do you have to lose? If you are on a low fat diet, you will probably never lose weight. Have you tried a low carb diet? Low carb diets are much easier to stick to once you cut out foods that jack up your blood sugar. It is blood sugar spikes that cause food cravings.

My nemesis. Cravings. Arrrgggghhhh.

I can't plan for separation. Just can't.
Does it have to be letter? Can I just tell him? As I said he does not like letters and emails about this subject and maybe I should reach out to him the best way.

I need to loose about 20-22 pounds to look good. Sugar is my problem. I eat some carbs, but not much, I'll try some low carb diet, sounds like it's working.

Yes, write him the letter so there is no confusion and no emotional discussion.

Umm.. there can still be emotional discussion even with a letter. My husband actually cried. ( The one and only time I've ever seen him cry!!!) He was so incredibly upset and crushed and then really mad.. So there will be emotions.

Ummm, hello... SHE won't be emotional when she writes the letter. The point is to make sure her feelings are clearly communicated and not muddied in an emotional discussion.

Exactly. She should post the letter on the fridge (assuming he won't take it / read it). This letter is for HIS benefit whether he realizes its importance or not.

But that won't help her feelings from getting muddled. My hubby was SO upset and I ended up backtracking quite a bit because I couldn't stand to get him upset. I couldn't keep my head straight when he questioned about that. He kept asking questions and I ended up in tears despite writing the letter. So yes, i understand she will get it all down, but she may not still be able to be unemotional.