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Thanks pineneedle. I just haven't figured out how to shift focus yet. Kind of in limbo right now.


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Kiss and I just got back from the poconos. It was nice to get away for a little while. But it was also kinda weird.

Last time we went to the poconos was December 10, 2011. The morning before we left, kiss had sent a text to his skank that I will never forget " miss you so much. I can't sleep at night, all I do is think about you." Yes, that text is ingrained in my brain. That was my first indication that kiss was involved in what I thought was an EA and I was going to plan A big time on our weekend trip. Which I did a pretty good job at.

So, it was nice but also brought up some bad memories.

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Originally Posted by Rocketqueen
Kiss and I just got back from the poconos. It was nice to get away for a little while. But it was also kinda weird.

Last time we went to the poconos was December 10, 2011. The morning before we left, kiss had sent a text to his skank that I will never forget " miss you so much. I can't sleep at night, all I do is think about you." Yes, that text is ingrained in my brain. That was my first indication that kiss was involved in what I thought was an EA and I was going to plan A big time on our weekend trip. Which I did a pretty good job at.

So, it was nice but also brought up some bad memories.



Reminds me of playing survival horror video games, and seeing messages scrawled on the wall in blood - the image just burned in there.... seetheing.


I never got to catch any of that content.


The worst one I ever got to see was a text to her sister;


"HHH looked at the phone records online, and saw how much I was texting Douchenozzle. He couldn't see what they said, but I'm sooooooo busted!"




There are others burned in there.




So, the question remains; do I allow that to rule the rest of my life, or move forward?



And it's not all rainbows and unicorns all the time, either.

The little weasel that manages the meat department decided to randomly text my wife;

"Hi NGB! [Produce Manager] gave me your number and [Girlfriend] said I could text you!"

Next was a picture of Weasel and NGB's department manager with the comment;

"We're getting married, aren't we a cute couple?"


I found the little thread a few weeks ago when I did a random phone check. I hit the roof (though, she was asleep).


I was actually starting to post about it and she woke up and came out to check on me.


Funny thing is, this weasel was shacking up with an old friend of hers, and cheating with a bagger girl at her former store - her old friend came down and laid a beating on her in the parking lot.

And she thinks I'm going to be ok with him texting my wife?

She thinks I'm OK with any male texting her?


Yeah, I was pissed.

I grabbed her phone, brought up the thread, and stated; I am not cool with this, at all.

And then I continue to watch - added Weasel's number to my watchlist.

And I continue to keep my side of the street clean.



Vigilance, sister. Vigilance.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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I hear you, HHH.

It's scary that waywards still do stuff after all this time and don't realize that we aren't ok with it. Kiss brought up that his manager thinks that all the managers should go to a local theme park together as a "team building" exercise and kiss told her that he thought I would be ok with it(!) Seriously?

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Originally Posted by Rocketqueen
I hear you, HHH.

It's scary that waywards still do stuff after all this time and don't realize that we aren't ok with it. Kiss brought up that his manager thinks that all the managers should go to a local theme park together as a "team building" exercise and kiss told her that he thought I would be ok with it(!) Seriously?


The response I got on the call out is "Oh, I put a stop to that right away." Which was true, the messages were about a week old and the only response was "you guys are stupid."


However, it was a break from the norm that had been established, in any numbers out of the ordinary popping up, she would tell me well ahead of my ever seeing them.


Thoughtless? Sure. For our case, 3 years out it might also be a little bit of selective memory and FWW comfort. But, it was still an issue to address. It was a border crossing.


So, I addressed it simply; "I am not cool with this, at all."

And, that's where my job ends.

Though, when she brought me dinner tonight (got called into work... why did I want to be a nurse again?) I told her straight up that I don't like the weasel, that he walks and talks like a weasel.

Funny thing is, I've had his GF in as a nursing student, and will again in the fall. Chick ain't gonna text me. My coworkers know if it ain't a med, procedure, or trying to call me in, don't text me. We ain't buddies!


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Originally Posted by Rocketqueen
Kiss brought up that his manager thinks that all the managers should go to a local theme park together as a "team building" exercise and kiss told her that he thought I would be ok with it(!) Seriously?

This made me think of a post Mulan had made about workplace affairs and how "team building" is a big redflag

What You Must Know About Workplace Adultery

Originally Posted by Mulan
Beware, beware, beware of any company, large or small, that does any of the following:

2) Has any such garbage like "Teambuilding".

Originally Posted by Mulan
Here's the real bottom line. Nobody can make money for their company if they're home with the spouse and kids. They can only make money for the company if they're in the workplace and/or traveling on the road.

So, how do we keep employees happy to spend 12-14 hour days in the workplace and happy to stay on the road for days or weeks at a time, month after month after month?

Well, you could pay them a whole lot more, but that gets pricey after a while.

You could do what places like Google and Microsoft and Apple do, and build loads of recreational areas in the workplace that the employees can all use for free. But that's expensive, too.

Or you could do the cheapest possible thing to keep your employees at work and on the road: Build a corporate culture that resembles high school and let the employees date each other.

<snip>

Anyway: It is 100% in the company's best interest to keep the employees at work/on the road as much as it possibly can.

Creating a high-school environment where everybody is single and the employees are free to date each other is the cheapest and most effective way to do that.

Of course, they don't call it "dating". They call it some bullcrap name like "Teambuilding". All the employees are encouraged to "Team Build" with each other by "getting to know each other personally, as people and not just as co-workers."

(I'm not kidding about this. I wish I was.)

You can "Team Build" by going to lunch together, going to off-site company functions and awards banquets together (NO SPOUSES ALLOWED EVER - WE'RE WORKING HERE) and, of course, traveling together.

XWH was the very best "Team Builder" ever. Of course, as I know now, he only did "Teambuilding" with the hot flirty chicks, but hey, it sure kept him at work for very long hours and happy to go on the road any time for his Company.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
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2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
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SusieQ, thanks for that link.I really appreciate you taking the time to find it and post it here for me. The post by Mulan sounds exactly like Kiss' old store where his affair bloomed. Lots of flirting and loose boundaries going on with a manager that turned a blind eye to it.
His current manager knows why he was transferred and would understand kiss not participating. What bothers me is kiss not seeing why he SHOULD not participate.

PS. Just read the first few paragraphs and it reminded me of what a complete Pain in the A$$ it was to get skanky ho's last name. I knew her first name (sort of) and what department she was in. But no one would give me or anyone who I had call, her last name. It still baffles me that they were protecting her like she was in the Witness Protection program or something. Which was silly because she had a business card right on her counter that had her full and complete name on it. wink

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We stopped by the "old" house yesterday to pick up our mail (I have mentioned I hate going there, didn't I??). When we got back home, there were 2 huge envelopes for us containing the "Motion for Foreclosure" paperwork. Can you believe it? I have been out of that house for 14 months now and they still haven't foreclosed on it. $1600x14 months= $22400 rent I could have saved if I hadn't had to leave my home. Bah!

Anyway, in the paperwork, is a paper that the process server filled out decribing me when she dropped off the summons. I was slightly upset and triggered but I commented how she (favorably) misjudged my age and weight. Kiss asked when that was that I was served and I said January 14, 2012 (remembering how absent he was at that time and that he was just days away from being plan B'd). All I got was silence from Kiss. No empathy, no validation of how hard that must of been for me, no acknowledgement of how hard seeing those papers were at that moment.

Anyway, it hurt.

As his silence usually does.

Sometimes his "I'm sorry" hurts worse.



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Originally Posted by Rocketqueen
We stopped by the "old" house yesterday to pick up our mail (I have mentioned I hate going there, didn't I??). When we got back home, there were 2 huge envelopes for us containing the "Motion for Foreclosure" paperwork. Can you believe it? I have been out of that house for 14 months now and they still haven't foreclosed on it. $1600x14 months= $22400 rent I could have saved if I hadn't had to leave my home. Bah!

Anyway, in the paperwork, is a paper that the process server filled out decribing me when she dropped off the summons. I was slightly upset and triggered but I commented how she (favorably) misjudged my age and weight. Kiss asked when that was that I was served and I said January 14, 2012 (remembering how absent he was at that time and that he was just days away from being plan B'd). All I got was silence from Kiss. No empathy, no validation of how hard that must of been for me, no acknowledgement of how hard seeing those papers were at that moment.

Anyway, it hurt.

As his silence usually does.

Sometimes his "I'm sorry" hurts worse.

hug


me - 44
WH - 44
married 19 years
2 daughters - 15 & 13

D-day: 11/19/2012
Didn't find out until years later - A with coworker, 2008 & again in 2010 or 2011
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A short list that I came up with of what I have control of and can improve

1) Self esteem (Always an issue, but worse since his A)

2) Self confidence (Re-establishing belief in myself)

3) Release undeserved guilt

4) Be kinder and more attentive to my kids

5) Increase my focus and concentration (which has gone to the pits since his A)




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RQ,

Looks like a good list!

And I'm sorry Kiss did not console you with the house papers. I know that feeling. I think, to some degree, with things like that their own guilt and shame gets in the way: they'd rather push those feelings back and forget. Our pain is a reminder - as it should be - but no one likes feeling bad. The trick (on his part) is to get past guilt and to be resolved - to doing the best he can to make it right.

Your job is to tell him what it is you need - when you need it! Did you say, "I could really use a hug (or whatever) right now?" Yes - I know you would rather him just respond appropriately - see that you're hurting and support you - BTDT, bought a million t-shirts. The more you tell him or demonstrate what you need in the moment, the better he will be able to support you in the right ways in the future.


"The #1 reason why people give up so quickly is because they tend to look at how far they still have to go, rather than how far they've gotten."

Me, FBW(46) H, FWH (43)
M - 21 yrs & counting
D (20)
S (18)
S (16)
Surviving and Thriving since November 2010 thanks to MB!
My Recovery Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538986#Post2538986
My Original Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457141&page=1

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RQ, it would be useful to tie "drivers" to each of your goals. For example:

Improve self-confidence by
- attaining certification in a skill useful at work
- taking an academic course (and Ace it)
- laying out and planting a vegetable garden
- learning to play an instrument

Do you see where I'm going?

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Originally Posted by NeverGuessed
RQ, it would be useful to tie "drivers" to each of your goals. For example:

Improve self-confidence by
- attaining certification in a skill useful at work
- taking an academic course (and Ace it)
- laying out and planting a vegetable garden
- learning to play an instrument

Do you see where I'm going?

I certainly do!
Vague goals are not measurable.
Precise goals can be measured.
Precise goals with a defined finish line are forward-driving. You know when you are making progress and when you are stalling.
Goals without a defined finish line are a set-up for failure & frustration.
People who want to stall (and wait) choose imprecise goals.

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NG and pepperband, that was my next step! List out the how now that I have a list of whats.


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Originally Posted by Rocketqueen
NG and pepperband, that was my next step! List out the how now that I have a list of whats.

Good.

Make it simple.

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Originally Posted by Rocketqueen
We stopped by the "old" house yesterday to pick up our mail (I have mentioned I hate going there, didn't I??). When we got back home, there were 2 huge envelopes for us containing the "Motion for Foreclosure" paperwork. Can you believe it? I have been out of that house for 14 months now and they still haven't foreclosed on it. $1600x14 months= $22400 rent I could have saved if I hadn't had to leave my home. Bah!

Anyway, in the paperwork, is a paper that the process server filled out decribing me when she dropped off the summons. I was slightly upset and triggered but I commented how she (favorably) misjudged my age and weight. Kiss asked when that was that I was served and I said January 14, 2012 (remembering how absent he was at that time and that he was just days away from being plan B'd). All I got was silence from Kiss. No empathy, no validation of how hard that must of been for me, no acknowledgement of how hard seeing those papers were at that moment.

Anyway, it hurt.

As his silence usually does.

Sometimes his "I'm sorry" hurts worse.



Think about this, RQ.


To me, those high-voltage moments are absolutely inconsolable. While everything inside you is screaming "Say something, you idiot!" You know that there is nothing he can say that will change the past. Nothing he can say in that moment that can take that away.


I would often try to disappear in these moments. And NGB... wouldn't just go the hell away.


But, it wasn't words. Words couldn't do much.


I didn't want her to freaking touch me...


But... she was there. She was present. And she was willing to weather the hell that she created.


That is what you are looking for. That he won't shrink and run from the horror that he unleashed.


He has to be there.


And when that moment passes, he has to step it up to improve the present, to improve the future.


I'll give you two examples;

Right after I finally got full disclosure, NGB took the initiative to get us out of the house for a weekend - we went and rented a little cabin in a German-village themed mountain town in our area. For being in one of the most hellish times of my life, that weekend is a bright spot.


Last week, NGB's uncle passed away unexpectedly. That night, I got my butt out of work as early as possible, and took her out to a comedy, then out for late night pie and coffee. A good funny movie, and some IC over good food.


Presence and the present.


Those are the keys.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Originally Posted by HoldHerHand
Think about this, RQ.


To me, those high-voltage moments are absolutely inconsolable. While everything inside you is screaming "Say something, you idiot!" You know that there is nothing he can say that will change the past. Nothing he can say in that moment that can take that away.


I would often try to disappear in these moments. And NGB... wouldn't just go the hell away.


But, it wasn't words. Words couldn't do much.


I didn't want her to freaking touch me...


But... she was there. She was present. And she was willing to weather the hell that she created.


That is what you are looking for. That he won't shrink and run from the horror that he unleashed.


He has to be there.


And when that moment passes, he has to step it up to improve the present, to improve the future.


I'll give you two examples;

Right after I finally got full disclosure, NGB took the initiative to get us out of the house for a weekend - we went and rented a little cabin in a German-village themed mountain town in our area. For being in one of the most hellish times of my life, that weekend is a bright spot.


Last week, NGB's uncle passed away unexpectedly. That night, I got my butt out of work as early as possible, and took her out to a comedy, then out for late night pie and coffee. A good funny movie, and some IC over good food.


Presence and the present.


Those are the keys.


HHH, you're right. It's like I'm stuck in the midle where words won't do anything and his silence hurts too. Darned if he does and darned if he doesn't, I guess.

But he is here, with me, his kids, in the present. I have to find a way to shove that past into a big closet, lock it up, and focus on that. Why isn't that easy to do?

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Originally Posted by Rocketqueen
Originally Posted by HoldHerHand
Think about this, RQ.


To me, those high-voltage moments are absolutely inconsolable. While everything inside you is screaming "Say something, you idiot!" You know that there is nothing he can say that will change the past. Nothing he can say in that moment that can take that away.


I would often try to disappear in these moments. And NGB... wouldn't just go the hell away.


But, it wasn't words. Words couldn't do much.


I didn't want her to freaking touch me...


But... she was there. She was present. And she was willing to weather the hell that she created.


That is what you are looking for. That he won't shrink and run from the horror that he unleashed.


He has to be there.


And when that moment passes, he has to step it up to improve the present, to improve the future.


I'll give you two examples;

Right after I finally got full disclosure, NGB took the initiative to get us out of the house for a weekend - we went and rented a little cabin in a German-village themed mountain town in our area. For being in one of the most hellish times of my life, that weekend is a bright spot.


Last week, NGB's uncle passed away unexpectedly. That night, I got my butt out of work as early as possible, and took her out to a comedy, then out for late night pie and coffee. A good funny movie, and some IC over good food.


Presence and the present.


Those are the keys.


HHH, you're right. It's like I'm stuck in the midle where words won't do anything and his silence hurts too. Darned if he does and darned if he doesn't, I guess.

But he is here, with me, his kids, in the present. I have to find a way to shove that past into a big closet, lock it up, and focus on that. Why isn't that easy to do?
RQ
The problem with that closet is your mind still holds on to the key.
If we aren't diligent about staying in the present our mind will pull out the key, open that door and rummage around in there.
We all know how dark those closets can be.
I have found that the brighter I make the present the less dark the closet seems if I slip and open it.
You keep making your present as bright as you can!


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Originally Posted by Rocketqueen
Originally Posted by HoldHerHand
Think about this, RQ.


To me, those high-voltage moments are absolutely inconsolable. While everything inside you is screaming "Say something, you idiot!" You know that there is nothing he can say that will change the past. Nothing he can say in that moment that can take that away.


I would often try to disappear in these moments. And NGB... wouldn't just go the hell away.


But, it wasn't words. Words couldn't do much.


I didn't want her to freaking touch me...


But... she was there. She was present. And she was willing to weather the hell that she created.


That is what you are looking for. That he won't shrink and run from the horror that he unleashed.


He has to be there.


And when that moment passes, he has to step it up to improve the present, to improve the future.


I'll give you two examples;

Right after I finally got full disclosure, NGB took the initiative to get us out of the house for a weekend - we went and rented a little cabin in a German-village themed mountain town in our area. For being in one of the most hellish times of my life, that weekend is a bright spot.


Last week, NGB's uncle passed away unexpectedly. That night, I got my butt out of work as early as possible, and took her out to a comedy, then out for late night pie and coffee. A good funny movie, and some IC over good food.


Presence and the present.


Those are the keys.


HHH, you're right. It's like I'm stuck in the midle where words won't do anything and his silence hurts too. Darned if he does and darned if he doesn't, I guess.

But he is here, with me, his kids, in the present. I have to find a way to shove that past into a big closet, lock it up, and focus on that. Why isn't that easy to do?

How many hours of UA time did you spend together last week?
How many this week?

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Finally feel like the depression that has had me in that dark place is finally starting to lift, thank goodness!

Jedi, I have no idea, honestly. Though we did take 2 days away last week. I gave up trying to schedule things with kiss. It wasnt being done jointly, so I was getting resentful. Now, I just let it happen if it happens and keep my self occupied if it doesn't. It's all I can control.




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