On the radio show last week, Dr. Harley was talking about UA time and meeting needs, specifically the need for SF. He repeated his principle of 4 4 hour dates a week that included RC, IC, affection, and SF. He said if the husband needs SF 5 times a week, then he advises 5 4 hour dates a week.

I am making a guess here that this could be helpful to you.

I was also wondering what reward you feel you get when you put in the effort to make sure you two have the suggested amount of UA time? I am also guessing here that if that time was rewarding to YOU, you would look forward to scheduling the UA without a second thought as to whether you or he is the one to make sure the scheduling happens.

Lifetime, 4 dates a week would be fantastic! But impossible for us, unfortunately. We can usually manage a 4 hour or so date a week and then an hour or two during the day most weeks.

Spending time with my husband would be reward enough for me

Do you remember what day the show was? I'd love to take a listen when it hits the archives.

It was on Friday's show.

Thanks wle2!

What are you nagging him about? How about sitting down with his work schedule and writing out the schedule for the week? And then you can sit down with him and discuss what you will do on your dates. You can do that, can't you? [/quote]

Did you do this, sit down and schedule the UA time with him for this week yet?

Yes, I scheduled time for 2 hours tuesday night, 2 hours thursday night and 2 hours friday morning. Now we just need to find a sitter and plan something. I will sit down with him tonight and do that.

Last night we took the kids to a small local carnival. It was really nice because the kids got ride bracelets so they could ride whatever they wanted and kiss and I followed them, holding hands and talking. It was great as was the SF aterwards

That's a good direction to be going! About the show, it's in a segment after the caller and I plan on finding it for you when it's available. Dr. Harley said more than what I repeated.

Now, I'm thinking that if you could get the schedule going, and if there's mutual enjoyment, then pretty soon your husband will look forward enough to it that he won't let an opportunity for scheduling and doing to pass him by. Hang in there, lady, and see what comes about in, oh, roughly one month. On this, there's not a thing wrong with nagging, so long as you don't engage in the Lovebusters to do it. I think that's what Dr. Harley calls "keeping the issue on the front burner!"

A Good clip on a slow recovery. I thought of you.

Radio Clip on a Slow Recovery

Thanks Brainy!

You're welcome.

Why do you suppose there are so few waywards posting here?

Is it because they can't face what they did? Is it general rug sweeping? Are they just all about forgetting it and moving on? Do they not feel the need to help others like we do?

What do YOU think?

I've asked my WW that same question. Why wont you go to MB forum and read/post? The usual answer is "I dont know" or "I dont have time" blah blah blah. My suspecion is that its lack of committment to recovery or not really believing it can work. My W has read SAA and is in the middle of HNHN but cant find the time to read much. I see that as a lack of committment and inability to own up to their mistakes and make amends. Maybe its too early in my recovery to make that observation though or maybe its a DJ on my part to even ask it... Who knows?

I get the "I don't have any questions" response as well as the " I know what I did" I am still hopeful FWW will start her own thread, she signed up but never posted anything.

My H has been very repentant and fully committed to recovery yet he is not a poster. I never made it a condition of recovery because I guess I just didn't feel the need, since he was doing all the work. He knows I come here and post...

I don't think a non-posting FW has to be non-committed or not believing recovery efforts will work. I don't think it has to be about sweeping it under the rug either. Forgetting and moving on? Maybe.

If you have a repentant FWS - think about it: of course they want to move on. It's shameful and they feel badly about what they've done and about the pain they've caused. They don't need a constant reminder that they did something so vile in order to stay repentant - and I'm sure they don't want it. I know if I think about things I've done wrong in my life I don't want to be reminded of it all the time.

For us FBS's it's different: we endured terrible pain and heartache: we've needed others to help support us through that - and to guide us to recovery. We have our needs met here in that process. What we experience - posting here - is a lifeline - a connection with others that have gone through the war we have endured.

I highly commend FWS's who do post here because I think it takes incredible strength to face down the shame and guilt that comes with remorse. Yet, I can understand why not everyone can do it.

I do believe, however, there is a major difference in someone who is not committed to the actions needed in recovery or someone who is not truly repentant and trying to avoid just compensation, etc... There are those who don't want to post because they want to avoid feeling bad for what they've done - but that usually shows itself in how committed they are to having a great marriage. In those cases, they SHOULD be posting because they need the external voices motivating them towards the right actions; voices other than the FBS's. Either that or they need coaching through the center.

Here's some hard facts about recovery:

Regardless of who had an affair, or if anyone had an affair, there's a tremendous burden on a husband to make enough love bank deposits to get his wife to fall in love with him. It is common for her not to be committed until AFTER she feels in love with him.

Wanting your spouse to own up to mistakes is a way to punish them, and ultimately kills conversation, the lifeblood of love bank deposits in marriage. Owning up to mistakes and straightening out the past is not required for recovery: doing what is right in the present and the future is all that is required.

You CAN'T have a good marriage if you stay focused on the past.

Very often a wife will feel that her affair is her husband's fault. This often doesn't change until she is in love with him again, if at all.

Just compensation does not require owning up to mistakes of the past. It's not punishment. It's building a good marriage in the present.

The good news: follow the plan and you can win your wife over to be in love with you, whether she is committed or not. A disproportionate burden of the work is going to fall on you. If you feel that that is a problem, you might want to look into antidepressants.

These are DJs. If your wife were to read these, she would have a hard time wanting to come here and post. Why would she willingly go somewhere where her husband openly DJs her?

Why do you suppose there are so few waywards posting here?

The particular reasons are probably as numerous as the number of WSs, but let me posit an idea for some of them.

In 1986 I was driving our motorhome, and it was struck by another vehicle, causing ours to roll over onto its roof. The accident happened less than 20 miles from our home. For six years I could not drive that section of highway. It wasn't that I expected a repetition of that accident; it was the recalled mental pain that was so searing of laying there, pinned in the wreckage, not being able to discover which of my family was still alive, that I could not force myself to pass the spot. I did not cause the accident, BUT I WAS DRIVING. Bride and the children did not mentally suffer to the same extent. They literally had nothing to do with the crash.

Sooooo, as awfully as BSs are hurt by the infidelities we discuss here, we were in effect passengers during the crash. The WS, DOING THE DRIVING, cannot help but "own" the terrible consequences, even if their family ultimately survived. I can fully understand why they cannot force themselves to head down that route in review.

Anyway, that's what I got.....

Well, I didn't consider that I was opening this up to DJ's and I realize now that any speculation on our part would be just that, even if we are honest about it and how we feel.

We all know that recovery is difficult.

Let's close the discussion.

Wow, I understand

Thanks, NG. That is a good analogy. It would be impossible for them to comprehend unless they were the ones it happened to.