Are you practcing POJA? You don't sound very enthusiastic about the things you're doing. You make it sound like you are sacrificing while your H is "being selfish" Do u actually like golf?

I can't make any sense out of the affair.

...and you never will. What you will do by continuing to focus on it is use valuable emotional capital, and extend the damage to your marriage, and more importantly, your mental/emotional "self".

You are still very early in the process, but not too early to start setting some "STOP" tactics in place when the "How/why could he...." thoughts commence. By now you must have experienced one salient moment with WH since the crisis. Fix THAT as a mental icon in your mind-bank. When those dark thoughts begin to intrude, force yourself to pull up that moment, and remember how you felt then, with all the physical stimuli you can generate - his touch, his smell, his look. (BTW: Initiating opportunities to update that "icon" is also HIGHLY recommended!)

Well... We probably need to read the part in the book on the POJA again. I am happy to meet my husband's emotional needs. I am happy I've lost the weight. I feel better about myself. (Although in comparison to OW I'm fat, since she looks like a playboy playmate; fake boobs and all.) I am actually enjoying sex more, with the exception of when I picture the two of them together. And it was fun being outside the other day playing golf at our alma mater's golf tournament. Golf can be very frustrating, but we actually used six of my putts and one drive in the captain's choice tournament. My husband couldn't believe it! So that felt good. I'm going to give golf a try and see how it goes.

I just wish it were easier for him to meet my needs. But then again he has agreed never to see his sister again ever if that's what I need, so he does appear to be all in.

I know I need to stop dwelling on the past and the affair. It's just so hard to do. I will start replacing those thoughts with new positive ones. And there are times when the future looks good and that is one of the silver linings of the affair, that our marriage can be stronger after this. Other days I feel like complete crap. I think I'll feel somewhat more settled once we figure out the best way to tell his sister that she is out of our lives until she accepts some responsibility for what she did, apologizes and cuts ties with OW. That is unlikely to happen, but at least we can cross that one item off the list.

I also feel sometimes that he needs to see how painful this is for me so he will never do it again. That he should see my suffering and suffer with me a little. One of our friends jokingly asked his wife if he'd get as much sex as my husband is getting if he were to have an affair. She didn't appreciate that. But it just shows how my husband has benefited from the affair in that respect. We used to have sex once a week, maybe less and now it's every couple of days. I know it hasn't been a walk in the park for him but it's been far worse for me. He says he hardly ever thinks of the OW and usually only when we are talking about the affair or when I ask questions. Since the truth trickled in I feel like I need to ask questions to find out everything. Of course my husband insists he has told me everything, but... I just wish I could move on more easily like my husband. I guess since the affair lasted less than two months he wasn't that ensnared. But I am a bit stuck.

I am actually enjoying sex more...But it just shows how my husband has benefited from the affair in that respect. We used to have sex once a week, maybe less and now it's every couple of days.

May I translate?

"After discovering that his key EN-deficit was evidently SF, I now resent being able to satisfy that need for him within our marriage, in spite of the fact that I find it pleasurable!"

Well, when you say it like that it does sound a little selfish on my part. I guess I'm wishing my top two needs of honesty and financial support could be met. I can't trust him given what's happened and he can't become the main breadwinner overnight. He is trying to merge his business with a former employer but those talks don't seem to be going anywhere. He would double what he makes now but I would still make 70% more than him.

Oh we'll. I just met his #1 need for the second time today. Just want my needs met is all.

Got a message from MB Radio today. I'll call them back tomorrow. Kind of nervous.

Don't be. They are so easy to talk to. They're very kind.

Will be on MB Radio this Friday! Say a prayer for me that all goes well and that my tongue doesn't get tied.

I listened to you on the radio program. No tongue ties at all. And it sounds as though you and your H have a good plan for dealing with his family.

I re-read your thread today. Your SIL is a real piece of work. You both will feel better with her out of your lives forever. I think the jury is still out on the FIL.

I realized I never answered your question about my H's relationship with his mother. He has not seen his mother since the false recovery at her house in 2009. They talk on the phone a few times a year - his birthday, her birthday, Christmas, maybe Mother's Day. MIL is 92 years old. I know at some point we will have to discuss what to do at her death. That will take some POJA discussion.

AM

helpneeded, listened to your radio show this morning and you did great! Am so glad you both on the phone with the Harleys. How do you and your husband feel about this?

Thanks for listening! Part of me is happy about the no contact with his sister but part of me is sad for my husband. Amazing how two months changes your entire life.

My husband says he is okay with not seeing her ever again. He sees her now for what she is. The no contact is really twofold- an extraordinary precaution to avoid an affair in the future and also to protect me from further emotional harm.

I hope this does not impact his relationship with his dad. We will have to modify our Christmas plans but it should be doable. FIL and MIL are divorced and one lives 6 hours north and one 8 hours south. There are no extended family routine gatherings that SIL attends at all, so we won't be missing out. We'll have to deal with weddings and funerals. We are going to a family reunion in six weeks but SIL doesn't normally go because she feels those people are beneath her and she doesn't see the point in meeting extended family once a year.

I do feel bad that our kids will likely not see their cousins again. We will of course invite them to come here. My nephew will be 16 soon so he could drive here but I don't know if she'll let him come. Then again she still takes him to her third ex husband's (nephew's first step dad) to spend time with him several times a year. This ex cheated on her and filed for divorce so with that logic she should let her son come here to see his cousins, right?

I haven't told my mom due to her bitterness regarding her divorce from my dad 22 years ago. She was making comments before the affair, like watch out when he travels for work cause he could have an affair or if he has a vasectomy he's more likely to cheat. I can only imagine how much worse it will be if she finds out he ended up having an affair. If we never see the SIL again I'll have to explain to my mom why SIL doesn't come to our house for Thanksgiving anymore. Not sure what to do there. Suggestions?

Bottom line- I will not miss seeing SIL.

So glad she is gone from your lives! My suggestion would be to tell your mother. She will likely find out anyway and it would be better coming from you BOTH along with your husband's assurance that it won't happen again. It will be much harder on all of you to hide it from her. Plus, you need her support. She can be a great support to you at a devastating time in your life.

p.s. my mother and sister were FURIOUS when I told them. My sister said with seething hatred "I HATE HIM." But my husband manned up and apologized to them. He proved himself over the years and as a result he and my mother are great friends.

Don't forgo the support of your own mother just to protect your husband. He is a big boy and can face the music.

Armymama- do you listen to the phone conversation when your husband talks to his mom?

HN,

Not really. I may hear some parts of the conversation, but I don't make it a priority. H and MIL typically don't talk very long. Sometimes, MIL asks for H to visit and H always declines. I am not really sure if she remembers why anymore. The conversations used to bother me (it's a reminder of being thrown under the bus), but not so much any more.

AM

Soap opera update... My husband talked to his mom and learned that his sister had separated from her husband for a week but then realized she missed him (in other words she realized she would not be able to afford the lifestyle he has provided if she left him). She would lose the big house, nice car, jewelry and 10 vacations a year (I kid you not) and she would have to get a job. And now apparently she wants to separate again.

To backtrack a bit- I texted her husband to tell him about my husbands affair. Before I could even get into the details of my SIL (his wife)'s involvement he said she didn't know anything about it and to leave them out of our personal matter. He wished me well, but wanted no part of any of it.

Fast forward to today when he texts my husband the following: "I really need to talk to someone. Can you call me?"

Should my husband even call him back or simply text him " we wish you well but we do not want to get involved in your personal matter." He probably doesn't even remember how he blew me off.

Morbid curiosity wants us to call him, but part of me wants to tell him "thanks but no thanks". And then I want to do the right thing even though he doesn't deserve it.

Thoughts?

Always do the right thing. You know that.

Always do the right thing. You know that...

...and the fact that doing so might stick a red-hot poker
up the rectum of SIL is merely a delightful side benefit!

Beep-frickin'-beep!

DITTO.

Similar experience.

Update- my husband called his BIL and the BIL did not come out directly and ask whether my husband's sister cheated and my husband didn't tell him. I asked my husband why he wasn't truthful and why was he still protecting his sister. He thought about it and called back his BIL and told him the truth - that his sister has been having an affair and that he's not sure how physical it has gone. And that his sister bought a throw away cell phone to talk to the OM.

Guess the sh*t will hit the fan soon. I am proud of my husband for doing the right thing. I know it wasn't easy. I do feel bad for my BIL. But yes, the karma bus is coming around! Not sure my SIL can get out of the way.