I am reading that link Brainhurts. he is always telling me that I am mentally ill. I get upset about these things and he says "go to the drugstore and get your pills!"

I admit I have been getting really upset and I have been getting really ugly, disrespectful, raging, making dumb threats that I don't really want to carry through on like telling him I am going to pound his co-worker. I don't really want to argue with the lady, I want her to go away and stop believing she has a special relationship with him.

It will only work as long as you shut up and put up with his abuse. Here is what you should do if you want to have a great marriage though:

Set him down and explain to him that you want to have a romantic, loving, SAFE marriage and that you won�t stay in a loveless marriage where you are subjected to more affairs. Tell him you are willing to give him an opportunity to earn your forgiveness for his last affair. In order for the marriage to recover, certain things have to happen. This is what it will take to keep you interested:

1. end all contact with the XW-OW for life [all contact should be facilitated through a designated intermediary]

2. no more nights apart or going out without each other - create a healthy, integrated lifestyle

3. complete transparency - cell phone passwords, etc

4. no more opposite sex friendships

5. complete honesty about his affair<s> � passing a polygraph

6. quit his job and find another one - end all contact with his current OW and find a job where he doesn't work with women

7. commit to the Marriage Builders program for recovery as outlined in the book Surviving an Affair.

Tell him "this is what it will take to keep me in this marriage."

Whether your marriage ends up with success or failure will depend almost entirely on his willingness and ability to make radical changes. His lifestyle must become absolutely transparent, holding nothing back. He is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent another affair and help you feel safe. He must also meet your emotional needs in a way that until now he has failed. Unless he makes a 180 degree turn in her approach to what it means to be a husband, your marriage won't recover, it will be a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage.

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by taking this approach, because if he won't do these things, you will have lost nothing except a loveless, abusive marriage.

The above approach is your only hope.

What you did was ask him to stop seeing his Hoe, and he responded with abuse to bully you into just giving in so he can continue to have his fun.

that is true. I am scared of his reactions. he threatens to divorce me constantly because I have such a terrible temper. I didn't have any bad temper for 3 years, then he cheated. And I guess that has become status quo at the moment.

Sorry you are here but welcome. You are getting great advice.

Just want to point out something that I noticed (and many BS's are guilty of this):

I notice a lot of your focus is on OW as being the "problem" here. Like, if you could just get rid of her, things would improve.

Your WH is the problem. Not only does he feels incredibly entitled to get his ENs met outside the marriage but he has led a secret second life (SSL) your entire marriage, evidenced by the child and affair he kept hidden from you with his ex W.

If this current OW ends up moving, it will be a matter of time before he finds OW3. To be honest, I wouldn't be surprised if there were other "other women"/things that he has kept hidden from you in his secret second life. Actually, I would bet on it. That's the MO of this type of cheater.

I would strongly advise you to present him with Melody's plan and get yourself into Plan B immediately if he rejects it. You are going to end up with serious health problems if you continue on this way.

Something you might want to read: What Are Plan A and Plan B

You should take him up on his "threat" if he won't make immediate, radical changes on the list. Otherwise, you won't have a marriage. There is nothing here to lose, my dear. You don't have a marriage. You have an abusive relationship with a selfish, entitled serial cheater who does not care if he makes you suffer.

He does not care about you.

And he won't ever care if you continue to lower the bar so drastically. He is just living down to your expectations.

I don't feel he cares about me either. He is actively angry right now. I don't think any conversation with him will be productive at the moment. I will wait a few days and talk to him then.

Probably I will be going to plan b. Probably he won't mind.

Do you think he really believes that my temper over what he is doing is really worse than his affair and OC? Or is he just faking me out?

This is a very dysfunctional plan. The issue isn't HIS reaction, it is that he understands your conditions. It is an illusion to imagine that you can control his reaction. YOU CANNOT. And this belief is part of the dysfunction that has allowed you to tolerate his abuse all this time.


I agree. He doesn't care about you.


You are kidding, right?

Waiting to have this discussion with him is conflict avoidance. There is absolutely no legitimate reason to wait to tell him. I would tell him and then make plans to separate. I seriously doubt he will have any interest in your conditions. And those conditions are the ONLY WAY you can possibly have a marriage with him.

Are you saying the he is having an Angry Outburst right now?

*I* don't believe what he is saying

and yes, I am scared to talk to him. it is extremely painful to me. I intend to do it, though.

Prisca when I talked to him earlier today he was very agressive. He made clear he wanted left alone. He then said all I do is think of my own self and what I want and as a result he feels like I don't care for him.

We talked a bit longer and he softened up. But it's pretty clear he will be extremely hostile. I think he needs a few days to calm down.

I know you are scared, Atlanta. But it is the right thing to do. You don't have the luxury of giving into your fear. You won't find solutions that way.

That is conflict avoidance. He is using hostility to control and abuse you. You should not reward him for that.

It's not your fault he looks bad. He looks bad because he is behaving badly. His actions with this other woman are reprehensible, and he makes it even worse by abusing you over it.

This is not an acceptable way for a man to treat his wife. Any man who does these things would look terrible.

If you are waiting for a perfect time to tell him, you will be waiting forever, because there is no such thing as a perfect time. But there is such a thing as conflict avoidance. There is absolutely no reason to wait to tell him. He will bully you today if you tell him and he will bully you next week if you tell him.

If you don't think you can handle his bully routine, why not write out your conditions in a letter and give it to him tonight? Give it to him in writing instead? And if he won't meet your conditions, ask him to move out.

I agree with Melody. Talk to him now. Give him the list of requirements.

If he becomes angry and hostile, calmly walk away and go to Plan B ASAP.

I wanted to wait until after the weekend. I won't extend it further than that.

What would be the purpose of waiting?