It takes all of 5 minutes to give him your conditions and get his response.

Atlanta, how do you think he will react to your list of conditions?

I am waiting because I can feel a panick attack lurking. I am scared I won't be in control of myself when I feel afraid.

I think he will refuse to respond to me. He does that. If he doesn't want to talk about something, he ignores what I say, just like I never said it.

If I press him to respond, he will tell me how this is my fault and that I am what he said earlier: dangerous, etc. And he will want to reinforce that to me instead of talking about what I ask for.

Most likely though, he will ignore it and pretend I didn't tell him anything.

Then calmly walk away and go to Plan B ASAP. He's given you an answer.

You know, you can learn new habits that help you to overcome anger. Dr. Harley eliminated his own angry outbursts and stresses elimination of angry outbursts as crucial within marriage, with anger management therapy as needed.

BUT,

the abuse of catting around in affairs and flirting with women is at least as damaging to you as angry outbursts would be to him. He is just making excuses to try to brainwash you into putting up with his disgusting behavior! Somehow a lot of philandering men and women manage to abuse their faithful spouses into thinking that this kind of stuff is "normal" and that the problem is on them for not accepting it.

ANYBODY would be upset with their husband or wife for behaving the way your husband is behaving!!


The pain of living in a marriage with a serial philanderer is far worse on your health and psyche than a divorce! Call his bluff on this, turn it around, and put yourself in control: it is YOU who are in the driver's seat and don't have to put up with his nastiness. Explain to him that he has ONE and only ONE chance to keep you, and that it will only happen if he follows the plan MelodyLane described.

He fights so hard and abuses you so much to try to force you to stay with him even though he knows that by all rights you should leave him.

I know what he really wants because this sort of thing happens when I get THAT upset. He is hurt and angry, says he is giving up on me, then he turns his back on me and gives me the silent treatment.

the only thing he will respond to is me telling him how wrong I am and how I agree I need to work on my issues. He wants me to validate his opinion and validate his hurt and anger. Then he wants me to work very hard to be better while he corrects me on what I am doing. Once he is satisfied I have done that, then he relaxes and does what he wants until I can't tolarate it and I get upset.


I feel really intimidated.

I'm sure he will notice when his house key suddenly doesn't work in a day or so. I would keep deadly quiet and start making preparations for this immediately, without any more indication. Let it hit him with shock and awe. It's the only chance for him to realize that he is going to have to change.

Writing this down, boy do I look pathetic. thing is, I am not ever agreeing with him. I acknowledge I lost temper. But I always disagree with him nearly on a daily basis about that co worker of his and him being around her.

Goodness, I wouldn't get into any of that with him.

He will start to be frightened when you quit having these discussions with him, and he will start to worry that maybe he's not going to keep getting away with this after all.

And then when he's locked out of the house without warning....

So take control. Give him YOUR requirements. If he has an Angry Outburst, walk away. If he gives you the silent treatment, walk away. And let him be shocked when you follow through and he can't get to you anymore.

He can't intimidate you in Plan B.

Atlanta, you will feel emboldened when you take back control of your life. You can show him that you have conditions and that he can no longer control you with his anger. You embolden his bully act by rewarding him. The abuse and manipulation that you are enduring is making you emotionally sick. And before long it will make you physically sick.

You have nothing to lose other than a sick, abusive marriage. Suffering in silence will not buy you a happy marriage. It will buy you more suffering while he continues to put you second behind his workplace girlfriend.

And you have every right to disagree with him, Hon! YOU ARE HIS WIFE! She's his Hoe. How dare he expect you to put up with that.

This is not about your temper or the slut co-worker. This is about your conditions.

Tell him "this is no longer about my temper or your creepy coworker, this is about my conditions. You either agree to meet my conditions or you don't. If not, I would ask that you move out because our marriage won't work unless you do."

If he tries to change the subject hold your hand up [STOP!] and say "no, lets stay on subject." Then bring it back. If he continues to try and distract you, leave the room.

See, he doesn't believe you will ever do anything to stop his bullying. He believes he can whatever he wants to you and you will do nothing to stop it.

You need to make a DECISION to do something about it. You can choose to be strong tonight. No fighting, just firm and straightforward about your conditions.

what do i say to a silent man who hangs up on me or walks out of the house when I persist?

I can do this and I will. I am sitting here though, already accepting that he doesn't care for me anyway and if he doesn't care if I am around, I don't feel he would care enough to do what I ask? I really feel discarded.

When we had the fight 3 weeks ago, I told him I felt that way, and he said "I support you, but you are insane."

Then he disappeared and I never went looking for him. 3 weeks and he never once came looking for me. It was me who looked for him at work and tried to talk to him. Then I got upset again,( moderately because I was walking along side him and he flat out refused to acknowledge me.) and he then tore me up today for offending him yesterday by getting angry at him and telling him to stop be so evil to me.

Nothing. If he refuses to talk to you about your requirements, then he has given you his answer. Silence is an answer. He's telling you're not worth it. So, if that is how he responds, go to Plan B.

The way to feel different is to follow the plan here.

This is not something he gets to drag out and ignore. He either responds positively, or he's out.

You're raising the bar here. If he won't rise to meet it, YOU'RE discarding HIM.

Ok I just tried to call him. It is almost 10PM in my time zone. He didn't answer. Usually he stays up late, but he makes a habit of not answering if I call when he thinks I am upset. Which is kind of most of the time.

I left a message. I doubt I will hear back from him tonight. He is already mad at me.

It feels pretty unfair to have the weight of the huge problems he created and have him trying to convince me that yelling at him is the reason we are failing in the marriage.

And I don't know if people saw in that huge first message I wrote, he is currently living with his mother and his younger sister. His mother is very picky about when people go in and out of the house at night, she locks the front door at 10PM and tells off anyone showing up after that or trying to leave after that.