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If I don't hear back from him by 9AM tomorrow morning, I will call a locksmith and change the locks. I'd like to get it done before the weekend.
As far as work, I am told I can start going to the office across town instead of coming into this office. Or I can work a few days here and there from home if I like. They don't care as long as I get things done on deadline. With internet and skype conferencing and all of that, it really isn't that hard to avoid where he is.
What do I do about the gaslighting and projecting if he comes back and agrees to things? Because these things have been nearly pathological. I have had him do something right in front of me and then insist he didn't do what he just did. I mean like 3 feet from where I am standing. Of course I tell him I am not that silly as to agree with him trying to deny it. But it happens over and over. It's utterly exhausting. You don't allow contact unless he meets all your conditions that you have in your PBL. What conditions have you given him?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I followed Melody's list.
I am afraid of the deceptions and projections. I can never convince him that what he is saying to me about me is not true. And realistically, I really have been very angry to him in the last 6 months. It's all he wants to focus on. He has out right told me that he feels no urge at all to do what I ask him to do because I am being so angry and unpredictable. He says he would like to on one level, but on the other level, he just can't make himself do it. He asks that I calm down, accept reality of him working and being friends with that woman co worker ( and he insists he has no conversation with her that does not involve work) and he wants me to be "strong and calm" and he feels he will love me properly again and want to do what I am asking.
I guess. I am sorry, though, at this point I feel like I am allowing him to rape my mind and soul if I agree to suck it up and do all of that for him while he ignores the hurt to me over the affair, the new child, his disregard of my needs and feelings.
He has made clear, though, that he has ZERO interest in me or the marriage until *I* make it right with him. That is where a lot of my anger and panic are coming from. Some times I feel like he is a big hairy spider and I want to take a book and smash him into jelly. I guess that is not a polite idea though..
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I haven't read all this thread yet but I see Melody is bopping you on the head already... She bopped me a few times too.
I was gaslighted and fed false hope and lies and even went through a few false recoveries while he continued gaslighting me. I am now in plan b until he files divorce or leaves her for good.
She is right about getting yourself sick. From late Oct thru March I had several colds which led to the flu which led to pneumonia all because of the stress of dealing with my WH and his drama. Its HIS drama not yours. HE did this not you. Stop listening to him. Assume everything he tells you is a lie. It probably is.
Ok, will continue to read and chime in if I have more to say...
But please listen to these good people... I didn't want to do plan b either... I wanted to talk it out... there is no talking to these waywards. They live in a fantasy world they created and you bringing them reality just makes them mad... at YOU.
BW: Me, 42
WH: Him, 41
ILYBNILWY: Sept 2011, he moved out
DDay1: Dec 2011, ongoing since at least April 2011 if not longer
WH moves back we try FR 1/12
DDay2: Feb 2012
DDay3: April 2012, WH moves back out to "find himself"
Many attempts at FR, he can't make a decision
5/2013: WH states he wants a Divorce. POSOW is insisting.
8/2013: He files for D. She got hers, where's his?
Current: nothing is progressing, we do not speak
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If I don't hear back from him by 9AM tomorrow morning, I will call a locksmith and change the locks. I'd like to get it done before the weekend. I'm sorry to say, Atlanta, that your biggest enemy here, right now, is you. You know the truth intellectually but you don't want to accept it emotionally. You've been treated horribly. You roil with the pain, the shock, the injustice, the loneliness. You want to know WHY. Sadly, there are no answers that will soothe your pain I see and I feel your pain. I am very sorry that you are going through this. Just know that plan B will take away your pain.
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Atlanta... Oh sweety, I was you just a few months ago. I still miss him and wish it were different. But I promise you, once you take back control of the situation by not putting up with it and not letting him tell you lies you really do feel like the one with the power. YOU get to choose now.
Ok, reading more thread...
BW: Me, 42
WH: Him, 41
ILYBNILWY: Sept 2011, he moved out
DDay1: Dec 2011, ongoing since at least April 2011 if not longer
WH moves back we try FR 1/12
DDay2: Feb 2012
DDay3: April 2012, WH moves back out to "find himself"
Many attempts at FR, he can't make a decision
5/2013: WH states he wants a Divorce. POSOW is insisting.
8/2013: He files for D. She got hers, where's his?
Current: nothing is progressing, we do not speak
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and to tell you what a piece of work his OW is... she came on these boards... she found the plan and poja and no contact.. and she is trying to get MY WH to do these things to ME as a way to save THEIR relationship. LMAO.. someone needs to learn their place. I am the wife still. SHE is the posow...
BW: Me, 42
WH: Him, 41
ILYBNILWY: Sept 2011, he moved out
DDay1: Dec 2011, ongoing since at least April 2011 if not longer
WH moves back we try FR 1/12
DDay2: Feb 2012
DDay3: April 2012, WH moves back out to "find himself"
Many attempts at FR, he can't make a decision
5/2013: WH states he wants a Divorce. POSOW is insisting.
8/2013: He files for D. She got hers, where's his?
Current: nothing is progressing, we do not speak
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I guess I keep getting stuck on the possibility he may be being honest with me at this point. His co-worker is married to a surgeon. She has a fantastic life. She has approached me a couple of times, telling me that he was a friend at one point, but nothing more. He can displays flashes of meaness and very rude behavior at times, and she said she had gotton it in the face a number of times. She said now "he is just someone I work with" and that she avoids talking to him very much otherwise, because she doesn't like to be on the recieving end of the nastiness.
I keep thinking maybe it may be that I am so uncertain in anything due to all of the gaslighting that went on with the affair with his ex wife and his very successful actions to cover up her pregnancy to me and he birth of his son. Talk about stunned and flabbergasted and the sheer bizarreness and agony hitting my brain all at once. I was near speechless for weeks, I couldn't even wrap my head around it, I didn't know what to think or feel, or what to do or much of anything. I remember I would sit on the bed and the cat would sit in my lap and I was there for hours and hours trying to process it, but my brain just would slide right off of it. I mean, I knew it was true and I knew he had really done major damage... and all this man can think about is how awful I am for telling him I am going to kick his co worker in the behind if she doesn't stay away from him.
It is sheer madness to me that knowing how I feel and how I am going to pieces, that he would put HER in his team and add to the fear and confusion and pain I am feeling.
Sorry, I guess I keeping trying to figure out why he would EVER think I am ok with him deliberately and knowingly doing this. He just responds with, she is already working in that office, it is NOT his fault she is there, but since she is there and one of the best, he might as well use her talants on his team and I need to stop being stupid about reality and accepting reality.
It's not that I think he can control her being in his office. It's that he knows how I feel, WHY I feel that way, and that I am struggling, and HE adds to it by pulling her in closer. I don't actually think he did it to BE closer to her, I think he just doesn't care how I feel.
How can I ever feel safe or recover with him when he has that mentality?
And thank you to everyone coming over with their stories and support. It really helps me get my head out of this insanity.
Whew!
Last edited by Atlanta14; 05/02/13 12:39 PM.
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I think he just doesn't care how I feel.
How can I ever feel safe or recover with him when he has that mentality? You cannot recover or feel safe as long as he maintains that mentality. You are (unfortunately) correct. 
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I am not an optimist at this point that he will change any time soon. His story is that he is exhausted from me and I am to leave him alone. He is also very angry at me for talking so much and trying to "force" him to do things he doesn't want to do. I never talked so much the way he means before I found out about the other child I feel relieved at the thought of not feeling internal pressure to talk to him at all now, though I deeply miss the good times together and him being stable and happy himself. I am thinking about that comment of this is all his drama. It is. My family and friends never intrude and cause problems, and I never stray from being true to him or being honest, or looking for ways to make things better. I am sad that all my talking and asking appear to me being THE problem.
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well when I mean "never", I mean everyone is respectful to him and don't approach him in negative or problem causing ways. My mother certainly is not happy with his actions atm and my brother is pretty ticked off at him, along with my friends. But they support me and don't intrude to him.
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well when I mean "never", I mean everyone is respectful to him and don't approach him in negative or problem causing ways. My mother certainly is not happy with his actions atm and my brother is pretty ticked off at him, along with my friends. But they support me and don't intrude to him. None of this talks about you taking up Plan B. That is really what you should be discussing at this point.
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I think he just doesn't care how I feel.
How can I ever feel safe or recover with him when he has that mentality? You cannot recover or feel safe as long as he maintains that mentality. Yes, you cannot. It's not your fault. Yes, it makes no sense. Such wanton cruelty. You must now protect yourself. Plan B will help you. You do not have to ever sit on the side of your bed like that again.
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A-14
Have you spoken to a family law attorney and been educated/informed about your spousal rights?
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HOW TO PLAN B CORRECTLY
This is for those who need to go into Plan B and need quick, concise instructions. There is a lot of confusion on how to go into Plan B and what a correct Plan B actually looks like.
TIMING
~Do not go into Plan B quickly. It takes time to prep for Plan B. I went into Plan B in about 48 hours from the time I discovered we had been in a false recovery, and that�s really the quickest you can expect to be able to do this and do a good job of getting all of your ducks in a row. Except for eating and sleeping, I worked on getting ready for Plan B for those whole 48 hours, too. Prepping for Plan B is CRUCIAL and it takes a lot of TIME. Do not skimp on your planning otherwise it will backfire on you. Once you give that PBL to your WS, you want to be able to stay completely dark.
DETAILS ON HOUSING
~DO NOT worry about where the WS is going to live or how he/she is going to pay for it. This is not the BS�s problem. A WS should never be shielded from the consequences of their affair, and this is indeed a consequence. Only worry about yourself and your children at this point. If the WS was able to carry on in an affair all by him/herself, he/she can certainly figure this out. You have enough to worry about.
INTERMEDIARY (IM)
~Find an IM. There is no substitute for this. Do not underestimate the importance of an IM. Do not think �only� text messages or �only� emails are acceptable. They aren�t. YOU MUST FIND AN IM. It can be a family member, a friend or (best bet) someone from MB. A CLOSE family member (parent or in-law) isn�t recommended ~ they are usually not able to stay neutral enough and if you get into recovery this could be difficult.
IM�s ROLE
~An IM�s sole purpose is to be a SPAM FILTER (Steve Harley�s words), allowing only communication that fits the boundaries set forth in Plan B (i.e., regarding children and finances ONLY). It�s usually recommended that most of the communicating be done via email, that way everything is in writing. Phone calls and text messages are permissible but most find emailing easiest. My IM re-wrote emails between us in her own words in order to avoid any emotional tones/responses.
They do not share any other info the WS sends, regardless of how benign the content. ONLY pertinent info is to be sent through to the BS. The IM is also not to share any info about the BS with the WS. Pertinent info about children and finances only should be passed back and forth.
The IM is to remain neutral...just a messenger sending info on, no reactions.
If the WS sends something inappropriate, the IM is to thank the WS for the communication, but let the WS know it will not be shared with the BS and refer the WS back to the PBL.
If the WS tries to contact the BS in any way, the IM is to tell the WS that the BS has not opened/listened to whatever it is, and the IM is to refer the WS back to the IM for all communication.
CHANGING THE LOCKS ON YOUR HOUSE
~This is very important so that the WS cannot come back into the marital home whenever he/she pleases. I called a locksmith out at about 10:00 pm on a Saturday night, he was very helpful. I didn�t have cash and didn�t want my WH to see on our credit card that I had called a locksmith, so he even followed me to a nearby grocery store to pull money out. He was very accommodating and seemed to understand that I was in trouble.
A second option instead of changing the locks is to simply put a deadbolt on any door to which the WS has a key. Also, if there is a garage door opener with a keypad, the keypad code needs to be changed. If you don�t have a keypad (only openers) and the WS has one, make sure to deadbolt/change the lock on the door between the garage and house. It is legal to change the locks on your own home, so do not be concerned about this.
PLAN B LETTER
~Write a �love letter� to your WS. Mention some particularly good memories the two of you have (vacations, special holiday traditions, silly moments).
Mention how hurt you are over the affair but that you are still willing to try to recover because of the love you have shared in the past. In one brief sentence state that you are not willing to do this until the A is over for good and that when it is, the WS is free to let the IM know and the IM can pass this info on to you.
Tell your WS that the pain is too great to be in contact with them while the A is continuing and because of that, you need to protect yourself.
Close the letter with �I love you and will be praying for you� or something similar.
Curtail the letter to your situation. This is a �love letter� so do not add any specifics on how PB will be carried out ~ those will go in an addendum to your PBL. It�s best if this letter is in your own handwriting rather than typed.
ADDENDUM
~In the addendum will be the logistics of how full NC between the BS and WS will be carried out. Here you will list the drop off and pick up points of children, who will be your IM, how the financial obligations will work. This is NOT part of your PBL, but it WILL be given to the WS when the PBL is delivered.
In the addendum you will also let the WS know that you have packed up all of THEIR personal belongings (no household items) and that the WS's boxes will be left __________ (on the front porch or driveway, second option would be a friend or family member's home) until ________ (usually 2-3 days from the time the letter is given). I packed up all of my H's belongings in about 30 minutes. This shouldn't take long.
IF THE WS ATTEMPTS CONTACT
IGNORE HIM/HER if it comes in the form of a phone call, email, text message, etc. Let the IM know and ask the IM to reiterate to the WS again that all contact MUST go through the IM.
If it�s in person, walk away. My H caught me in our garage one day, he was early picking the kids up and I was not yet locked in the safety of the house. He commented that he liked my new haircut. I smiled and quickly walked in the house. I did NOT talk to him or thank him for the compliment.
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Ok so let's get you focused back to your Plan B list.
Tomorrow locks will be changed.
Contact information changed. Set up work email to go to spam. What about Your work phone number?
Plan B letter written. IM set up. Do they understand their role?
Visit a lawyer?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: May 2013
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I have a friend who is an attorney. I will call her. My work number, directly to me is my work cell. I will block his number on both my personal and business cell phones after 9AM tomorrow. My IM does understand their role. Thanks for copying all of that again to me. I guess I was getting distracted in the arguments and confusions in my head again. Writing that love letter just in case. I will start packing his personal things tomorrow if he doesn't respond and see if his sister will come get them.
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I will start packing his personal things tomorrow if he doesn't respond and see if his sister will come get them. Have your doors locked when they come to get them.
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I will start packing his personal things tomorrow if he doesn't respond and see if his sister will come get them. No folding no fuss necessary. Dump his crap into any suitable receptacle. The LESS TIME you spend on getting his stuff packed, the better off you will be.
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I have a friend who is an attorney. I will call her. My work number, directly to me is my work cell. I will block his number on both my personal and business cell phones after 9AM tomorrow. My IM does understand their role. Thanks for copying all of that again to me. I guess I was getting distracted in the arguments and confusions in my head again. Writing that love letter just in case. I will start packing his personal things tomorrow if he doesn't respond and see if his sister will come get them. We totally understand, friend. One more thing I forgot to add. What self-care do you have planned for you? It's the weekend. Can you be with family or friends? Get a manicure or a pedicure? Or a spa day?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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haha, yes ok. He won't like that. It's kind of funny, though.
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