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As a BH, there are times when I find it almost impossible to stop thinking about the betrayal and have images of fww's SF with POSOM. I was also fed the trickle truth and it made things SO MUCH HARDER.
here are a few things that help when I start thinking of the affair
Isaiah 43:18-19
18 �Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.
19 See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland
Philippians 4:6-8
6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable�if anything is excellent or praiseworthy�think about such things
It sounds like he can't stop thinking about the betrayal, I get it 100%
Me: 34 BH
Her: 31 FWW
DD (6)
DS (3)
D-day 2/2/13
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Posts: 315
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Update
Things have been a roller coaster ride of emotions for my BH I never know what kind of mood he will be in. I'm on eggs shells all the time. I am trying to be consistent in my mood, loving and positive that we can heal. We will make it. Loving him and working with no expectations. But him throwing me out is a scary thought.
I am committed to doing whatever it takes to help him heal. He seems filled with anger and tells me sometimes he struggles moment by moment with painful thoughts and then some hope. He has expressed that our marriage will never be good again. He�s not sure if he wants the POS leftovers.
I tell him I will win him back and our marriage will be better, that we can understand each other better and have a great marriage. He thinks I speak in platitudes.
Also he reads the board a lot; some of the recovering couples don�t seem all that recovered (his thoughts) and that fuels the doubt that we will ever be happy again.
On a good note we have had a few UA dates that went much better. I have made a UA time word doc. so we can fill it out once a week. He seemed happy with that. SF has been better for him just recently. What do you guys think? What is the next step to help us rebuild. I was reading and found this on the website.
Dr. Harley�s letter:
�But once apologies are made, a couple should move on to the business of rebuilding their relationship, and not dwell on the mistakes of their past. As much as you may want to talk about the affair or about any other mistake made, remember that every conversation on those subjects withdraw love units. And a Love Bank must first be overflowing with love units before you are in a position to waste any.�
The pain my husband feels is so great that seems impossible at times to move out of the past. I think the key is the UA time right? How many of the recovered couples talk with Steve or get help with the online program? I really love my husband and want him to be in love with me.
Any advice is appreciated. Thanks As a BH myself, I can totally see his point. I'm 3 1/2 months out from D-Day and there are times where I can't stop seeing POSOM with her. I have dreams, wake up in a cold sweat, go out to the couch and cry and then go through my day pretty numb. We had sex the other night for the first time since D-Day. I wont even go into the images that went thru my head the whole time and how difficult that was. The thing that I need most from WW is for her to show my heart the care that it needs to heal from the damage that she caused. Find out what your H needs and then move mountains to make it happen. Most of all, don't pressure him to "get-over-it" cause that will get yout the boot quicker than anything.
Me - BH 49 years old
Her - WW 43 years old
Married 20 years
D Day Jan 7, 2013
3 kids - DS19, DS17, DS12
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OP
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I�m so sorry you are going though some of the same pain and hurt as my BH. I have never seen this amount of continuous hurt in anyone in my life. I know I have caused this pain and suffering through my selfishness, it is difficult to face. So I can�t imagine how it must feel. I see it and hear this pain everyday in my husband's face and words. I desperately want him to find peace in my words and actions.
I have searched through prayer and have found help in total surrender to God as an answer. Forgiveness and committing to completely turning away from sin and turning to God has brought some peace to me; but real peace in our marriage will only happen when my husband has peace. How to heal the broke heart is complex after what I did to my BH; this is my daily fight that I�m committed to helping heal my husband.
Thanks for all the prayers and helpful comments.
True form
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Joined: Apr 2013
Posts: 163
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TF, the hard part is that the pain is caused by the person we love the most. The harder course is to try to reconcile the marriage as we are choosing to stay near the person who caused the pain. But the key to "getting over it" is time and actively getting your mind to NOT dwell on the affair. It is hard, satan would love for us to think about it all day long and cause more strife. Your husband can't give satan the satisfaction.
Me: 34 BH
Her: 31 FWW
DD (6)
DS (3)
D-day 2/2/13
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One of the hardest things to do is figure out how to meet his need for that care if he may not be able (or want) to tell you right now. The best thing that you can do for him is spend as much UA time as possible and ask him about things that seem "off". If you hold his hand, ask him if thats ok, if you snuggle with him, ask him if thats ok. Show him that you care about what he needs and that you're not just charging in with the shotgun approach (pull the trigger and see what happens). Do you make his lunch? Put little notes in there that simply say I love you today.
I read a book one time that said the thing men want most is respect. That may/may not be true of all men, but I think its true of most. When a WW cheats, its the highest form of disrespect. Try to find ways to show him your respect. Ask his opinion/advise of things and follow it (if its reasonable). Talk about things that he likes to talk about and really listen. Repairing the damage caused by an affair is time consuming but not really difficult. The MB plan is a way to add surgical precision to your efforts and based on the stories that we all read on this forum, it's the only one that really works. Have you ever gone thru other peoples stories and read that after their sppouses first affair they used the XYZ plan and that worked great but this time they want to try MB? No, because other plans aren't built to build marriages like MB.
Dont give up as long as he's still willing to reconcile. It's a long haul but in the end, you'll be a better person regardless of the outcome from this.
Me - BH 49 years old
Her - WW 43 years old
Married 20 years
D Day Jan 7, 2013
3 kids - DS19, DS17, DS12
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At 15 months into R, I have to remind myself daily that this is a marathon not a race.
My FWW is doing everything within her abilities to right the wrong. She is trying her best. Hard? Very hard, yes.
Being cognizant of reality is very powerful indeed. Your reality, as is mine is that it takes 2-5 years to recover from an A.
Keeping my eyes on the prize (a fully recovered, amazing M in which we are both safe and also have our EN�s filled..and madly in love with each other) helps me through the days.
Most likely your BH will go through MANY ups and downs. You must be patient with him and let him feel his feelings while you support him with love, understanding and PATIENCE. Be PREPARED for bad days. Know that they will pass. I am sure you have seen this for yourself.
We try to seize the good days and just make it through the bad ones. See, he doesn�t feel safe with you. He is afraid that if he opens his heart, you will hurt him again. I get it. I feel the same way.
By reassuring him daily, hourly..whatever he needs will help him gain confidence that you are not going to hurt him again.
You are redefining yourself to him. You are not who he thought he married and it is your job to prove to him you can live an honest life.
By following the MB program to the T, you will give yourself the best chance to R. Any guarantees? Heck no. I would imagine you both have your own fears. That is totally normal.
Stay the course! What are your other options?
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OP
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The past few weeks Latefor the sky is so frustrated and resentful that I broke our marriage and it will never be the same. I tell him we can have a better marriage we know more about how love each other. We can make things new. I work for the UA time but he does want to spend the time do something fun because I have not been able to make things better, to give him some peace with my words. I admit I�m quite at times, when I do say something it never seems to be what he wants or needs. His patience is running out. I've put him though so much pain. He says I�m not listening to what he�s telling me that if I loved him I would know what to say to repair him. God help me to find the correct words of comfort. I say I�m so sorry for hurting him and will everyday, I promise to love him and always considered his feelings, I have his back; I will do whatever it takes to create a great marriage. He is my one true love. I pray every day for peace, love and mercy.
I believe the key is the UA time but how do I get him into it. Sunday we had our date I tried to start some light conversation with him he did not respond, doesn�t want to talk about bs when he needs his broken heart filled with kisses. (my term) I understand but continuously talking about the A during that time is not part of the MB plan right? The UA time is time to build happy memories and bring closer us together.
True form
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