I think maybe he is more likely to create a bunch of emo drama, looking to be patted and soothed and begged to stay or something.

He always leaves. Then comes back.

His sister told me he also took down his facebook page and left his cellphone and computer notebook on the kitchen table.

Did you drop his stuff off at his mothers? Have you sent him the Plan B letter yet?

I did on both counts.

You've done so well, dear. So now what self-care do you have planned?

I know you said you had a problem with AOs. Have you ever had one with anyone other than your WH?

Time to stop thinking about him, and start thinking of your self Hon Pedicure? Massage?? What's your pampering of choice?

I just want to do my hobbies this weekend. Usually I am too anxious to focus on them. I like to read ( usually can't sit still) and I am an amatuer photographer. Usually to tired from being too anxious to sleep. I am actually calm right now, tired but not tired in the way you get when someone else is in control and not being decent about it.

I had tantrums when I was a child. After I was about 6, though, I stopped. I don't have AO with anyone but him, his ex wife, and his co-worker. I think probably the years of trying to deal with having my head messed with has taken down my capacity.

I can get angry, but typically I don't very often. I just don't. I can usually excuse myself if I feel upset enough to have an outburst.

In the last few months I have been working on co-dependancy. I feel like bad boundries have led to me not protecting myself. When I feel "danger" I get upset. With my husband, my fear has been very high and the strain of being constantly threatened with abandonment, or being blamed for the problems, or being afraid he is cheating again.. I can't go back into that and feel stable for long without being a really strong person. I was thinking I could become one and then I would know when I need to take breaks before I get upset.

His main complaint is that I get so upset. And that is his reasoning for rejecting, leaving, etc.

I used to be the queen of AOs. Not at anyone, but my WH. I had to take anger management.

What helped me more than anything was the book Love Busters and this Anger Management 101

I had to really understand (Dr. Harley helped me with this) is that no one makes me angry. I control myself.

That is a form of gaslighting. He rewrites history and shifts blame on you for his despicable behavior. That is why exposure is so important. So the wayward can't spin the story "we were having communication problems due to her anger" or some other nonsense.

Atlanta17,

I've been following your thread for the past couple of days, and I have to say I'm very proud of you. You have done really well. Make sure you have a nice, dark Plan B. Don't let anyone tell you about WH, and make sure it is impossible for him to contact you. If he does find a way through, plug that hole and continue on. Enjoy the peace that Plan B brings. There will be some pain, but the darker you are, the quicker that pain goes away. Well done.

AJJ

Ok, I listened to the radio clips. Thank you for that. Interesting comment Dr. Harley makes about forging new neural pathways, and how it becomes easier as a result. That is so encouraging. I have narrowed my anger trigger down to abandonment. I have some trouble spots in my past.

Thank you, Ajose. I am amazed by the support here. It's like triage in an emergency room.

The healthier you become (self improvement and self care) the easier it becomes for you to maintain your proper Plan B boundary. The better you become at maintaining your proper Plan B boundary, the better you become at personal boundaries in general. We call this success at MB.

What we do not call a success at MB is when folks return to a relationship with their wayward before learning how to maintain boundaries.

Boundaries are not learning ways to control others. No. Boundaries are you knowing your own limits and you having a plan to protect yourself from harm/danger/wrong/sin/etc.
Boundaries of protection. Not boundaries of control.

An interesting discussion (2007) about Boundaries vs manipulation & control .

If you have abandonment issues, you need to learn how to maintain boundaries while self-soothing your anxieties about abandonment. This is very empowering.

It's far far better to desire your wayward spouse to return to the marriage than it is to need that wayward spouse return to the marriage. Here is a link to a very helpful description of FEAR of ABANDONMENT .

Even if this marriage does not survive, you will.

In addition to Pep's excellent advice here is another good read.

False Recovery-Need Voices of Experience

It's better to educate yourself beforehand. One of the biggest mistake we see here on MB is when a BS leaves Plan B too soon. They "listen" to their WS's words instead of looking at their actions (meeting all conditions that are laid out in their PBL).

I am having a hard time today. I guess I am feeling frustrated and unfairly treated. He has run off, and I am hurt and angry that he is openly ramping up to people that I am this terrible person. I want to talk to him and make him stop doing it, make him stop being so vile and evil.

I am sitting here, though and just trying to see the big picture. Obviously breaking NC to slap him around ( if I could even find him) is not going to help me, will just give him more ammunition to hold up as "evidence" of my instability, and I guess if there is a tiny chance that there could be a recovering, I will push that farther away too.

I read the link to the abandonment posting. YES. That is exactly what has happened. I was so scared. He has become a roaring monster as a result. Every time he is in the slightest offended, he creates a scene of him saying "I finally am giving up on YOU!" and dramatically walking away.

What is wrong with this man? On one hand I find it all extremely upsetting, on the other, where is his dignity and pride? Even more, how can he not look at himself and SEE how utterly entitled, vain, and vindictive and dishonest he is appearing. I am not the only one seeing him do these things?

Ok.. vent aside.

I read some of the boundries thread. This is something I have been working very hard on for about 8 months. I mean on purpose hard. the crux of it in the middle is the abandonment fear. He jerks me around, declaring he is LEAVING and divorcing me, he GIVES UP, and I start freaking out. He will suddenly snap and do it. It's like you are talking to him, thinking you are getting somewhere in the discussion, suddenly he says something to the effect of "I am done with you!" and you are kind of left in shock and pain and "where did that come from all of a sudden."



I am upset, but believe I can stay in plan B and work to re-direct myself. I admit that right now, I feel zero optimism. His sister, who has been a real friend to me over time, called me and said he had been back to his mother's. He said he was going to go somewhere to stay where I (me!) couldn't find him, because he feels I am degrading mentally and will escalate an attack on him and he is tired of my out of control behaviors.

What do I do with that? Is that abandonment, meant to push that button and trigger a response from me?

Tighten up your plan B.

You should not be hearing any "reports" about what WH is saying/doing/blogging/smoking/eating/seeing ..... WH has landed on the dark side of the moon and you do not know anything about the dark side.

What WH says about you is none of your business.

YES!!

Tell your SIL "please don't tell me anything about WH. It's too painful to hear and I need to heal from his abuse"

Plan B is to help you heal and protect whatever LB balance you may have for him remaining.

ok, I will tell her that.

Is this sort of reaction and behavior common to WW partners? Or am I just the lucky girl experiencing a wierd variation? I am worried he is a sociopath after reading those things on malignant narcissm.

It does not matter.

Because I am in Plan B and am to focus on myself and not him?