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ok, I will tell her that.
Is this sort of reaction and behavior common to WW partners? Or am I just the lucky girl experiencing a wierd variation? I am worried he is a sociopath after reading those things on malignant narcissm. Sorry to tell you but this is very common actions from a wayward. Actually some wayward wives can be worse. We've had WWs claim false abuse charges and have seen many innocent BHs be thrown in jail. Some BHs have been falsely charged with abuse towards their children and go years fighting a huge, expensive court battle to be able to see their children. Also some false charges of rape, and lifelong STDs and many more sad, sad stories. One thing is very clear all waywards are cruel and behave like they've been abducted by aliens.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Sounds like you are doing the battle plan. So, let me just nibble around the edges.
As I eluded to above, make sure you include taking care of you. Remember, the first rule of combat is "take care of yourself." Why? Because if you dont, then you are no good to anyone else. Your kids (and maybe even your WW) are counting on you to be there. So, make sure you do tyhe little things that take care of you.
Second, you might want to shorten your prayers. Jesus sees you. He is standing right there with you. The betrayal you feel, He feels also...because your wife has not only betrayed you, she has betrayed Him. He weeps as you do.
Instead, my prayers got shorter as time went on...well, let me clarify that. I talk to Jesus constantly. That is the relationship part of the two of us. But when I say I shortened my prayers, I mean that I stopped with the laundry list of requests. He knows what I need.
All I ask now is two things. Number one is that His will be done, not mine. And number two, that he shows me walls and doors. Walls and doors are nothing but this...
In the Bible, it says that He is a lamp unto our feet. What does that mean? Well, in that day, the lamp they were talking about was a lamp with a candle in it...illuminating the path of a traveller at night. Well, how far does a candle illuminate? Not too far! Maybe a few steps in front of you.
But I have NO IDEA what lies down the road. It might be a dead end. It might be a cliff. I have no clue. And that is the point! When I pray "walls and doors," I am saying to Him "Jesus, I can only see a few steps in front. I am trusting you. So, I will pray for you to show me walls and doors. If the path I am on, if the decision I am making is not YOUR will, then please put a wall in front of me so I dont go over the cliff. If it is your will, then show me a door to go through."
Since I have done that...since I have relinguished my will to control my path...guess what? I have gotten walls and doors.
So, when I have designs to do something...but then it just seems to be getting harder and harder to do...and I cant get it done...I look up and ask "is this a wall?" And I quickly find out that even though I wanted to do this thing, it wasnt His will. And so I thank him, make a left or right face (or even an about face sometimes)...and we continue.
My relationship with Christ is one of beginnings. He walks with me. At times I stumble. But instead of laughing at me, or admonishing me, He just reaches down, picks me up, dusts me off...and we begin again. One foot in front of the other.
This is where you need to get to. You CANNOT control what is going on in the foxhole next to you. All you can do is concentrate on what is between your sector stakes...and let God handle the rest.
One last thing...my favorite general of all time once said "Wisdom is nothing more than healed pain." General Robert E. Lee
You are about to become VERY wise.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Another good read. Notable Posts
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Because I am in Plan B and am to focus on myself and not him? 100% yes.
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I think Plan B will help me, but I don't think this is going to end with us staying together. It's a relief to get validation that I don't deserve the bad treatment, and support to change what I can in myself...but I feel like he would rather die than behave to me the way the love letter asks. It feels pretty grim.
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I think Plan B will help me, but I don't think this is going to end with us staying together. It's a relief to get validation that I don't deserve the bad treatment, and support to change what I can in myself...but I feel like he would rather die than behave to me the way the love letter asks. It feels pretty grim. I know you like to read and so here are some lengthy threads. These are a just few posters whom are in Plan B. They may have not saved their marriages, but they are DEFINITELY MB successes. indiegirl's thread Caracal's thread Scotland's thread
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I think Plan B will help me, but I don't think this is going to end with us staying together. It's a relief to get validation that I don't deserve the bad treatment, and support to change what I can in myself...but I feel like he would rather die than behave to me the way the love letter asks. It feels pretty grim. Here's the beauty of Plan B: you don't HAVE to speculate on outcomes! Plan B is to protect YOU. Choose to NOT speculate. Spend this time taking care of yourself. Your wayward is going to do whatever he's going to do - that is out of your control. How you conduct your life and take care of yourself IS in your control - that's what you need to be concentrating on.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Ok, I will work on not speculating. I guess I am pretty shocked by everything that has happened. It's like stepping back from it is putting it into some perspective. I feel bad.
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I think Plan B will help me, but I don't think this is going to end with us staying together. It's a relief to get validation that I don't deserve the bad treatment, and support to change what I can in myself...but I feel like he would rather die than behave to me the way the love letter asks. It feels pretty grim. If he won't meet your conditions, you are much better off without him. But you don't have to make any decisions now. The longer you are in plan B, the better you will feel. Has he tried to contact your IM?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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He hasn't tried to contact my IM. I expect that he will do what he told his sister: hide from me.
Or at least put on a good show of it. For who's benefit I don't know. He has been randomly erratic lately.
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He has this whole thing going for the last 6 months in particular that I am unbalanced. Since I went on anxiety meds. Suddenly everytime I am upset at what he is doing, it is because I am mentally ill. He's been throwing that in my face a lot.
As a sidenote, I went off the meds 2 weeks ago. I haven't had any strong panic attacks since he ran off in early April.
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He has this whole thing going for the last 6 months in particular that I am unbalanced. Since I went on anxiety meds. Suddenly everytime I am upset at what he is doing, it is because I am mentally ill. He's been throwing that in my face a lot.
As a sidenote, I went off the meds 2 weeks ago. I haven't had any strong panic attacks since he ran off in early April. Don't listen to his fog babble. He wants everyone to think he left the marriage because "you're unbalanced" and not because of the affairs. You're better than this, my friend. Dr. Harley actually recommends ADs and/or anti-anxiety meds when Betrayed spouses are going through this trying time. It's one of the most painful time of people's lives. Dr. Harley has had clients tell him, their spouses affair was more painful then losing a child or rape. Those I've counseled who have had the tragic misfortune of having experienced rape, physical abuse, sexual abuse of their children, and infidelity have consistently reported to me that their spouse's unfaithfulness was their very worst experience. To be convinced of the devastating impact of infidelity, you only need to go through it once.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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It has been the most emotionally and spiritually painful experience I have had. the duration of it, the intensity, the fight and struggle to stay calm, to not let someone force a fake reality on me. The strain of it was what led me to the anti anxiety meds.
I was getting so upset, I was desperate to stop my own upset, or at least be calm enough to be able to slow down my reactions enough that I wouldn't haev the panic attacks and freak out and end up firing off all over. He INSISTS that this is the problem is the marriage: my reactions. So I tried to make them stop so I could keep the marriage and the person I still love even though he has been awful.
Big panic attacks stopped when he left and for once in forever I was able to not chase after him or say a word to him for 3 weeks before he escalated his actions that he knows upset enough that I tried to talk to him. Then he very deliberately pretended I wasn't even there.
What an ugly mentality to have. When he finally acknowledged me, he simply took the opportunity to tell me how selfish and insane I am and how he doesn't want to be around me because I hurt other people on purpose.
I have my sad little boundry that makes me feel safer: I don't talk to people when they are treating me like that.
Which pretty much means I don't have to talk to an abuser. Which is ok with me. Some part of me really wants to tell him how crap I think he is being.
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My IM just contacted me. They say he contacted them and he is expressing sadness and says he has let everyone down. He accepts he has been wrong.
That seems a little fast. I believe he feels bad, but I don't hear anything about his willingness to take steps at reparation.
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My IM just contacted me. They say he contacted them and he is expressing sadness and says he has let everyone down. He accepts he has been wrong.
That seems a little fast. I believe he feels bad, but I don't hear anything about his willingness to take steps at reparation. Please tell your IM this: Dear IM, please respond back to Atlanta's husband and ask if he is willing to meet all of her conditions. It is yes or no. Her conditions are not negotiable. Be very brief and concise so you are not engaging in a war of words. Just say: Are you willing to meet all of Atlanta's conditions? Have you quit your job? He will probably come back with some fogbabble but the key thing is yes or no. One of the conditions is quitting his job and agreeing to never be in contact with the OW again. Has he met that condition? When you are assured he has met all conditions, then you can email Atlanta and let her know. But please don't email Atlanta any of your communications with him. If he does meet all of her conditions, then you can email her and say, he is willing to meet all of your conditions. Melodylane And Atlanta, if he quits his job and agrees to all conditions, you can MEET with him and see for yourself if he is really is serious. He may not be. Usually, they only want to test you to see how serious you are. And when you meet with your husband, I will give you a list of things that have to happen in order to recover your marriage. It is part of the recovery plan.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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It has been the most emotionally and spiritually painful experience I have had. the duration of it, the intensity, the fight and struggle to stay calm, to not let someone force a fake reality on me. The strain of it was what led me to the anti anxiety meds. That is a very scary thing to live in an environment where your reality is stolen. shudder. I was raised in this kind of atmosphere by an atheist, feminazi, alcoholic. Very dysfunctional. So I know what you mean.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Atlanta, in order for your marriage to recover, certain things have to happen. He has to end all contact with his OW for life, tell you the entire truth about his affair and pass a polygraph. He needs to send skanky a no contact letter where he admits his affair. He needs to write out the details of the affair so it can be sent to her husband.
He also has to affair proof your marriage so this never ever happens again, such as eliminating any opposite sex friendships and making his life completely transparent to you, ie: cellphone passwords and email accounts, etc.
The next step is to join Marriage Buiilders and go through the program. This will give you both better skills that will eliminate the manipulation and gaslighting that has occurred.
All of the above things can be discussed AFTER he meets the conditions in your letter.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I have major doubts. I know him and I have seen this sort of thing something like ONCE in the time I have known him. On one hand it's awesome to finally see some remorse and grief for the hurt he has caused, on the other hand I don't trust it. I don't believe he will agree to quit his job. I think he is caught up in feeling bad and is not thinking very much beyond that.
I asked my IM to ask him if he is ready to do as I have asked.
Will let you know what he says when I hear back.
I think all BW/BS have their reality stolen. I mean look how long you live your life with these deceptions going on. Some people never know for years and years. They probably look back and think, but I was happy, or how fake it all was and real life stolen, leaving what? It's like a big bite taken out of who and what you are. Aren't we partly at least, a product of our life experience, and if your life was faked to you by someone, then they took you from yourself. It made me lose faith in who I am.
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I have major doubts. I know him and I have seen this sort of thing something like ONCE in the time I have known him. On one hand it's awesome to finally see some remorse and grief for the hurt he has caused, on the other hand I don't trust it. I don't believe he will agree to quit his job. I think he is caught up in feeling bad and is not thinking very much beyond that. The problem with wayward spouse "remorse" is that it rarely involves making actual amends to the betrayed spouse and recovering the marriage. What really counts are actions, not talk. But it sounds like you GET that.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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