I get it. And I am feeling very low right now, because my experience is that I am the last person he will make big changes for or try to make feel better about things.

It makes me sad that you have lived in such a marriage for such a long time. You should be the most important person in your husband's life.

Yes, you should.

Prepare yourself for all sorts of pressure. You've finally stopped buying his excuses. That's terribly bothersome and upsetting for someone who likes cake, and lots of it.

The best thing for you is to go DARK. He must display ACTIONS: words are not enough.

I know you're sad, Atlanta. Hang in there. Things will get better, one way or another.

I wish I were the most important person. He seems to be confused about who is supposed to matter to him most at this point.

You are beginning to experience the grieving process. Let it happen, it is healthy. Your brain has to remap all your experiences over the last five years and make sense of them in the light of new information. That is a heavy load and you need to respect it and give yourself time. Lots of quiet peaceful time.

Freakin' OUCH! I wish I hadn't read that at work. I know that feeling all too well. I don't have any advice for you, just some sympathy, for what it's worth.

I have some advice:

It's the affairland that is fake, not your reality. You are not the one that has been living a lie. The most you are guilty of is trusting someone who you loved. The Lord was guilty of that when we first fell into sin. It is not a shameful thing for you.

By the way, that is exactly how it feels to be raised in an alcoholic home. It feels like you are in the FUN house at the carnival.

My father, the alocoholic, created so much drama and upset, that I remember events from the age of about 3. He liked alcohol, pills, guns and loose women.

So, hugs to you Melody, I know what it is like when someone let's than kind of crazy out. My mother was proud and it took her 9 years to leave. She went NC until I was 17.

My IM informs me that my husband has been in contact, she says he is in a state of self pity and apathy, but otherwise is not offering a productive response.

I am afraid he will simply go occupy himself and this will slide along forever. It is what I have seen him do in the past. I don't expect any great demonstrations of love from him in terms of his actions, because he really does tend to mope along, punctuated by months of frantic actions, then he wears out on it and it's back to apathy. I do think everyone is tired of it all right now.

I keep wondering how long until his ex wife regains her equilibrium and comes in to start trying to pressure him around. She says she doesn't want him anymore, but I don't believe her.

I don't believe any of them.

Other than that, no new except I am having a lot sadness myself.

AJose, I feel for you. I always want my tears to be private, too.

Self care .... What are you doing? Please elaborate.

Here's the Plan B rule (I just invented) .... Every time you write something, (wondering & speculating & analyzing) about your lost wayward, you must write an equal amount of time about your acts of self-soothing, self-care, and how you intend to protect yourself.

What can you do for yourself today?

As long as you keep fearing and wondering about what he is doing or thinking, you allow him to still be in your life. And you allow him that much control over you.

oh, sorry but you are funny, Pepper,and made me laugh. It's a good idea, so I am not just coming here venting and feeling sad.

So for this post...today I am planting flowers. I really love pansies and sunflowers, so I am planting pansies. Purple ones!

I am preparing my garden areas for seeds and more flowers.

It's a peaceful meditative process and I feel happy when I do it.

I just finished some garden puttering-around myownself.
I am training a Fuji apple tree to grow as an espalier against the fence.
I like to go out and coax the branches in certain directions.
I have a Meyer lemon tree thriving in a half oak barrel. I am trimming it to take on a pretty round-ish shape. I love Meyer lemons. This year I started an above ground vegetable garden. Why above ground? Because of Beanie, our desert tortoise, who demolished my efforts last time I grew veggies at dirt level. This morning I found a bunch of ladybugs on my pole beans, they volunteered to help me. I have a Cecile Brunner climbing rose that I am coaxing to arc over (from the fence where it is tethered to grow horizontally) to the old metal clothes line pole that I decided to keep as some wacky garden sculpture. Next year it will look awesome. A little crazy, but in a pink way, which is always good.

My sunflowers did not make it
But, I have a lovely planter of pansies on my deck. Purple & pink in a cobalt blue container.

I have 4 different tomato plants that I am hoping become major producers.

It sounds really lovely. I remember going west once and the fields in South Dakota in August were full of mature sunflowers.They are always so happy looking.

Nothing much happened here today, except I feel angry at him. I was leaving work and carrying out a box of things to my car to take over to the other office across town and I saw him walking across the far end of the parking lot. She was walking behind him about 20 feet and was on her cell phone. I have no idea if had been talking to her, but the very idea and knowing he will talk to her at work and talk to her regardless of how "sorry" he is because of the job.

Well. I was steamed and got out of there fast. Then after work did my pansies. And I know you guys will probably say who cares what he is doing and to pay attention to me, but this is the kind of thing that typically sets me off and reminds me of every unkind way he has treated me. I was shaking (panic, hurt, anger I guess) as I was driving off. I just wanted to tell him AGAIN how bad I feel and how I feel uncared for and demand to know why he keeps putting me through this. Why does this man feel SO entitled to disregard what it does to me?

That's what I want him to explain to me.

But here I am. It is after midnight and I will go to bed instead and I am so tired of feeling this sick despair. I wish I could pull it out of me. I am worn out.

Tomorrow, getting my slr camera out and I am going to take macro shots of the little flowers blooming on the tree out side of the house. I love photography and in particular macro photography, so many tiny little worlds hardly anyone is seeing and I like to take photos of them.

I wish he cared that I am not talking to him. Cared enough, I mean.

Oh, Atlanta, you shouldn't have had to see that ((hug))
This is why your Plan B is going to need to be air tight. Just seeing him hurt you so bad.

You don't deserve this. It's not fair. We're here for you, okay?


I LOVE macro photography, too. It has to be one of my favorites to shoot. Share some of your pics tomorrow!

So sorry you had to see that.

How can we tighten up your Plan B, so you won't have to deal with this?

How is transferring to another building in the company coming along?

Or the idea of working from home?

I probably won't see that again.

The box of things to the car on my way out was my stuff from the office to go work at the other office. I am told I can work from home as long as I come in for meetings or I can just be in the other office or the office I began at. They don't care as long as I give the usual results. My boss is an awesome lady. I used to work with her, years ago, as an office mate and we really liked each other then.

This is one of the macros I took. These white flowers are actually only about 1/4 inch across.

http://i.imgur.com/QB7ldTf.jpg

I am going to take a half day off this afternoon and go to Barnes and Noble and pick up some of the books recommended here if I can find them.. and something extra that I have been wanting but kind of forgot about because I was busy being miserable and anxious.

Beautiful pic !!!
Thanks for sharing.
Just don't "macro" my skin.
*shudders* <~~~ a photography pun .... get it? huh? get it?

Oh, that's beautiful!

snicker