We were posting at the same time. Did you see my question about UA time?

Where exactly ARE you in the Marriage Builders program, though? Which books are you using? Where are you exactly? Do you have the workbook?

Have you read about Respectful Persuasion in Lovebusters yet?

OK, here goes. ML & TW45, I'll try to answer both of you at once.

We go between 2-3 hours of UA time a day. We do chores, work in the yard, play cards, talk about our day, go out to dinner, go for walks and other exercise. Some of the top ENs get met but others dont. For example, SF is not getting met and thats mostly on me. I'm struggling with it a lot because of the dreams that I'm having.

As far as her resentment about the fire dept. This gets into the DJ area so I've been careful not to give my full blown opinion too often here.

WW grew up in a family of volunteer fireman/EMTs. Her dad was a long time member of his dept and an EMT instructor. WW, along with her mother and sister, participated in the ladies auxillary.

Now, growing up, WW always wanted to be a part of the action which back then was a mans world. Fast forward to 2009 when WW went thru EMT school. She got a ton of affirmation from me but virtually NO affirmation from her father. She struggled with this even though she denies it. Yes, this may be a DJ but I got to watch, front row, every time she told her father about another accomplishment and her father changed the subject and completely disregarded her. The looks on her face and her demeaner would change for hours or sometimes days until she just "got passed" it. Over time, she had many firsts as an EMT. Her first CPR case, her first CPR save, her first life star (helo) call, her first DOA, all of which were very exciting for her. Her father's response... NOTHING!!! He changes the subject to the step mothers grand children or something else equally annoying. Later, she got promoted to Lieutenant and the same reaction from daddy. After Firefighter school, same thing. She has been so disappointed by this. Everytime I show her the greatest admiration, respect and esteem it seems to have no impact, especially after she talks to her dad. I think this is where her insecurity comes from.

So (another DJ maybe), I think her resentment towards me stems from the fact that I took the vehicle (fire dept) away from her so now she can't get his approval. She has told me that she lost her dream when she had to quit the fire dept. I say that this may be a DJ because she denies the issue with her father exists. I cannot discuss this with her at all though as it causes her to get REALLY mad that I would suggest that she has father issues...

ML, we have read SAA, I'm reading LB and she is reading HNHN right now. We do have the workbook but haven't started it yet.

Prisca, I haven't gotten to it yet. I plan to get through that part tonight.

I would gently, and honestly, talk to her about no longer giving her dad so much of her life to spit on.

So stop suggesting she has father issues. It is a DJ to try to diagnose your spouse's feelings or actions. Don't discuss it anymore.

And really, it doesn't matter if it's father issues or not. As Melody said, her resentment will disappear when she has better things in your marriage.

I agree. That will be HER work that SHE will have to do. You can't do it for her and can't make her. concentrate on FUN UA time. Plus, if you are the one filling her big need for admiration then it won't matter so much anymore anyway. Just ACT. Don't use that as an excuse for you not to do anything.

How about affection, conversation, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment? Are these exciting dates where you are focused on EACH OTHER and there is no one else around? Where are your kids during these hours?


Good. At least you know what she doesn't want to talk about and know not to bring up unpleasant subjects. As far as her resentment, it will fade when she starts getting her "dream" from her marriage. That is the whole goal here.

The goal is to create a romantic, passionate marriage in the PLACE of the hole left by the affair. If that does not happen, you will be feeling resentment for years to come. You will resent the lack of just compensation and feel cheated, and she will resent the things she had to "sacrifice" for you.

Do you see where I am going with this?

You have read them, but have you IMPLEMENTED them? They don't work just by reading them. I also "read" the books and posted on the forums for years. My marriage didn't improve much until we started DOING everything.

Where are you on the policy of joint agreement? If Dr Harley gave you both the lovebank inventory test today [that measures your romantic love] where do you think you both would rank?

Same here. Knowledge alone, without action, will only make things worse.

About the father issue, don't bring it up ever again because you would be psychoanalyzing your wife. That is a huge lovebuster.

One more thing and then I'm off until probably Wednesday. I agree with Melody. You can't bring it up, but I do think it will help you to understand. And doing the things they mentioned actually doing the steps MIGHT allow her to see it for herself. For example, I realized it a couple of weekends ago. I was making biscuits. Hubby came in and visited with me. I can't remember what was going on the night before but for whatever reason the kitchen was a MESS. I had been doing so well to try and keep it clean. Hubby just started cleaning it up and chatting with me. I almost started crying because I felt like a failure. He shouldn't have to do that. He works so hard He should just sit. But then I thought. Wait a minute he isn't mad at you. He helped make the mess, why am I feeling like a failure when he is just helping out. I saw that it was my problem that I needed to deal with. He wasn't doing ANYTHING wrong and yet I was crying because he was cleaning the kitchen!!!

So she will eventually see her own stuff if you clean up your side of the street and don't love bust. Just clean up your side of the street and let her worry about her own.

I'm going to repeat this, because it might have gotten missed:

This transformed me from a person of little understanding to someone who understood the program inside and out. WOW, you said you have to have a good understanding of the steps you take, well, here it is!! you will be amazed at how Dr Harley takes people through these steps. He takes his principles and applies them to specific situations, explaining his reasons all along the way. Listening to the radio show opened it all up for me.

Please follow Markos' excellent recommendation.

I listen to it during my daily drive to work. Doing it with your WW would be nice. I read on a thread that someone does with their spouse and afterwards talk about the subjects. I think that would benefit you greatly.

Like I said, I am no longer discussing this with her as it is a major love buster. It's been 3 months since it has been brought up

We're listening to MB radio now

Good man!!