Thank you for that!

I have a lot of those types of photos. flowers and little insects.

Anyway my IM heard from him.

He is making a counter offer.

Apparantly he had a loud, public falling out with his co-worker and she has put in for a transfer, vowing not to talk to him again or work with him again unless the company forces her to.

His offer is he gets to keep his job. He was uncomplimentary about his co-worker. He is sorry he messed up so badly. He did not respond to the request to have access to his accounts, expect he pointed out what difference does it make if I do, because if he really wanted to cheat, etc, he could do it without anyone knowing it. I heard that before.

I am not impressed. In fact I feel angry and hurt. The part of me that wants to trade off myself in order to have him close to me is really tiny at this point. My reaction is to have an AO at him. I have not responded to my IM on it, yet. I wanted to touch base with you guys. My instinct is to ignore, or tell him no deal.

I don't like the attitude that he can come to me with what I feel is a hurtful comment "hey Atlanta I could cheat any time and you would never know it!"

I would know it. I would know it after wasting more of my valuable life, and more of my feelings and the investment of my assets into this person who is not wise enough to offer support and a pledge to make things right for what he has been doing and keeping it right for the future.

Other than that, I am just working today from home. I feel low and tired. I don't know what I feel even like doing for myself, except having some peace.

He's not remorseful or ready to return to you. Keep in the forefront your conditions for recovery of this marriage:

1.) No contact for life with the OW
2.) Complete transparency and integrated life
3.) Agree to work with you in a program of recovery that will restore your marriage to better than pre-A.

Anything less is just playing games with your life, as you know.

His reply was very flippant. Your IM should filter this kind of babble out. Remind your IM of your conditions and tell her to make sure he agrees to all of them before passing along any message from him regarding returning to you.

Edited to add that my husband literally got down on his knees before me and pleaded with me not to leave him. He readily agreed to all of my conditions and now we have a recovered marriage. For me, anything less was not enough.

Ok, I will remind her, and ask her to simply respond to him that I am not able to work with him until he agrees to my conditions.

I think at least the IM and myself can do this properly.

He doesn't get to.

You've got pretty good instincts.

DITTO

Agree with LongWay, Prisca & Prisca.

Atlanta, you seem so much better from when you arrived and you've only been in PB for a short time.

PB just gets better and better and you will not believe that you lived so long with so much turmoil and drama in your life.

Keep it up!!!

WWH has gotton into a big argument with that other guy there who the co worker woman was carrying on with. I guess her OTHER affair partner ( if that is what they have all been doing) decided to be a whiteknighter and tell my husband where the bear poops in the buckwheat.

This has led to an escalation and my husband put in for a job transfer and is taking a leave of absence, then some vacation. He said he has had it with the whole mess.

He is now able to agree fully to my requests, including the job change, and asks if I will consider beginning a reconciliation in about a week when he has some time to calm himself and look over MB material, including reading a few books, listening to MB radio.

I don't know what to say. Am I splitting hairs to say that I would have preferred that he found clarity calmly, and then made his choices in a calm state of mind?

I also now feel very anxious and am upset at this drama and upheaval. Apparantly the other guy took a swing at him and they got into a scuffle.

I have not responded through the IM yet.

Advise me please.

I would have IM say

I will let Atlanta14 know when you are ready to meet her requirements for reconciliation.

Meanwhile, she will continue with things as they are for the present time.

Nothing like a truth tsunami, is there?


poor baby


IMHO - WH should be instructed to CALL the coaching center (IM can give him the phone #) and to PAY FOR his first coaching session. After his first session, you will consider reconciliation.


This is unimportant. What is most important is what will he do NOW? Without whining.


Adultery is ugly. People get into physical altercations, and sometimes they kill each other !!!!


IM gives WH the MB coaching phone #.

Your best bet.
Not as a punishment for WH. No, Not at all. Your WH will be better off if he calls. He will receive instructions to help him be a willing recovery partner.

x2

Agreed. Don't rush the reconciliation, Atlanta. You've got all the time in the world.

I feel really uncomfortable about it all. I guess my head kind of didn't think much would happen for weeks and weeks.

It's like now he has no one else and me, the girl he told a week ago that he didn't want to deal with since I am so selfish, dangerous, aggressive, and I hurt other people.. somehow was cured of it enough that he can deal with me?

I think maybe I have lost my respect for him. Almost completely.

I will take a break on it tonight and think what to respond, exactly tomorrow.

Well, he hasn't exactly been behaving respectably, has he?

Very good idea. Take your time.

I understand. This was a big deal for me too. I purposely put my WH "to the test", and it was his last chance to regain any of my respect. I gave him about 15 seconds to make up his mind. This was before MB was ever around, so I was making stuff up as I went.

I'm a pretty determined person, when the rubber meets the road.

You are not required to make an effort, but I will encourage you to set the bar high, and then be observant about how your WH chooses to deal with you requiring him to show high standards.

Let's not forget that your WH had an affair with his ex wife early in your marriage and fathered a child with her all while making you feel nuts for being upset by it.

Your WH is a serial cheater, mentally abusive and more.

I hope you will NOT take him back so quick. He needs to earn his stripes. Also, in plan b you shouldn't be privy to what he's doing. You need to distract yourself from him and focus on your healing.

Who is telling you these stories about the blow up on the job? Hearing this stuff is NOT helpful for you right now and who knows what's really true.

Tell your IM that only pertinent information is to be shared. You don't want to know about what he's eating for breakfast and how he feels about it.

He needs to change jobs and have a minimum of 6 months of coaching with MB (in my opinion) before you should even consider speaking to him.

Sorry, but this is one marriage I think should be dissolved and dissolved soon. You've been abused by this man horribly and hes still trying from afar. Tune him out!

I would be tempted to respond that, after he takes his week, YOU will then take a week to calm yourself, and maybe begin considering it then.

I have a lot of trouble believing his sudden turnaround. The week of bachelorhood is a quiet red flag to me that he's not serious, and your emotional ambivalence is a barometer that seems to be confirming it.

I would not take him back unless he is DESPERATE to have you back NOW. In the meantime, take your time.

Ask Pepperband to get you a link to the false recoveries thread. It will give you some good reading in the meantime.

Here is the link

I am having panic again. Edging on panic attack. I can feel it in my chest. This is all going too fast for me. I think he is mentally ill or something.

My IM passed it along, she meant well and wanted to warn me. One thing she said, which I hadn't really thought about when she told me, was he kept saying his woman co-worker had betrayed him and involved the other guy there. I reminded her to stick to asking him if he will agree or not. Yes or no.

So honestly, I am afraid, because I feel like a big can of worms is about to be opened and I am not sure I can handle it.

Atlanta did you send your IM, the IM training school link? If you have and she still can't protect you from all that useless garbage info, you need a new IM.

Hey - your IM needs to do a better job of screening. Please let her know. Zero info except agreement to your conditions. Your panic attacks (note>>>I have them too for other reasons) are triggered by trauma or any little thing. Remove the triggers as best you can...and you can. Talk to your IM and clean this up, OK? You hear/know NOTHING except that WH has 100% agreed to your conditions. Until then, you hear nothing, notta, no word, no rumor.