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Ok, I will send the link and we will crack down on the information. Day was wasted after I heard this stuff because I am so agitated. Thank you surfer88 you know exactly how it is :((

What your IM needs to tell you is that he is not serious. If he said this, he is not serious about your marriage. He is in mourning over losing his OW. That doesn't mean he is ready to commit to your marriage. The above should be a knock out factor. He is not serious and he is not ready.

I agree. I was thinking about that a lot. I don't really want to hear how offended he is over her siding with the other guy and running off.

He acts like all of this and what it implies shouldn't bother me.

Is your IM going to be able to avoid passing on such information to you in the future? The whole point to an IM is to keep you safe from this emotional turmoil. You cannot keep taking these blows.

My IM is up to speed.


Nothing really happened today, except I worked. I thought about him some, but mostly I felt kind of numb in the way I felt before with new discoveries. I am shocked by his actions and I don't believe he is in control of himself. It's not something that tends to generate hope due the length of time this behavior has been going on.

I had lunch with my mom. I am always happy to see her.

Atlanta, got up to speed on your situation. I agree, he is feeling lonely and looking for something to make him feel better. You drew a line in the sand taking the control away from him. What will make him feel better is to get the control back. He will get the control back by mentally abusing you some more. Please don't fall for it.

I think if he ever agrees to ALL of your conditions, he should give you his confession about affair(s) to you THROUGH your IM, and then do the polygraph, getting you the results THROUGH your IM BEFORE you break plan B.

If he is TRULY agreeing to all of your conditions, every single one that he can do/give you without you talking or seeing him, he will do. If he won't then he isn't willing to meet them, he is only saying he is.

He may hope that he can get close enough to once again get you to believe that it is your fault. It is not your fault at all. The emotional/mental abuse you describe it ghastly. I think you held up remarkably well through the abuse. He may not have physically abused you, but he did abuse you. The abuse you endured may actually be worse than physical abuse.

BTW, your picture is beautiful. And you call yourself an amateur photographer?

Atlanta, please go to your family doctor to discuss getting medication or therapy to help you with these panic attacks.

Another thought/ possibly better: talk to your ob/gyn. After my D-Day I went to my ob/gyn to be tested for STDs and explained to him why. WOW, was THAT cathartic! He'd heard the same thing many times before, from other patients ( )He immediately tested me AND suggested an anti-depressant to relieve my depression and anxiety.

I second this.

Also Dr. H Recommends it.
What are Plan A and Plan B?

I don't think he is completely serious at this time. I guess I know him pretty well. He typically refuses to make a straight committement to much of anything because he usually likes to go "back" and re-engage. So I guess it is up to him if he wants to pull it together and forget about his co worker friend. I haven't heard anymore.


I just quit medication for the panic attacks. I am ok today. I hate being on the meds because I am extremely sensitive to them and they really put me into a numbed out/ apathetic state.

I have found a therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse. I feel I am getting detachment from some things. Enough that I am understanding that staying closely engaged under these conditions is absolutely the wrong thing to be doing.

I can go in and get checked out. I hadn't really thought about that this time around This stuff is endless.

I am an amateur photographer. I have a lovely camera, which does all the work. :p

The camera can only do so much. What makes a photographer is vision and composition.

I appreciate the kind words, thank you.

I am finding there are holes in the plan.

Email. How do I keep him out and let in the people I need to be letting in. All he did was get a different email address and mailed. I read the words "your reacting in an unstable way again" and I knew it was him, so I closed it. It is literally painful to read the word "unstable". I have heard it so many times from me reacting upset to his actions.

I don't actually know why he thinks someone is unstable because they get upset at being cheated on, etc. And it seems to be a double standard that he can push some guy around literally, but I am the unstable one.

Not that I feel it is a competition or that anyone is entitled to out of control over reactions. But, please : context matters.

At least to me.

1AM and I wanted to be to sleep earlier. But an email and I get upset and 3 hours pass before I know it. Wasted. I am so tired of being judged and punished. I doubt he will "get it" for real any time soon.

Is it giving up too easily if I divorce him now?

No.

He has been, and still is so full of disrespect for you and he's willing to work hard to give you some more.

Get a new email address, transfer all the contacts you want to keep, change your email address for any subscriptions and online accounts you have. If you haven't changed your phone number, do that, too. There's information here about how to implement Plan B very tight.

Straight from indiegirl's by-line : http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2482787#Post2482787

He calls you unstable as a way to keep you off balance. He knows how it affects you. It is a way to keep you from objecting to his abuse. You did the right thing in deleting the email. As you can see, he is not remotely serious about ending his abuse and committing to your marriage.

You can get divorced any time you choose. If I were in your shoes, I would file for divorce and if he made a dramatic and radical change in his approach to being a husband, you can consider dropping the divorce. That way, you win either way.

I am sorry you had to see his email. Do you see how he shakes you up when he gets through?

Atlanta, you can kill two birds with one stone. Set up a new email address completely and only give it to people you want to communicate with for the next few months. This will keep him out and also help get rid of all the spam email.

It's the work thing. We both work at the same company. I can talk to someone there. I honestly don't believe he really means to quit that job. The email account was set up through work. I hope the IT guy there can help me, maybe he knows a way to redirect or something.

I see how he shakes me up.

Can you see now how "serious" he really was when he said all this last week? He is not leaving the job and is back to calling you "unstable" when you stand up to him. I am sure that email he sent you was another brow beating designed to bully you back into control.

I understand him. He felt so far down that he was even willing to stop beating me up for a bit ( condemning me for being upset with him) and make a gesture to agree to treat me right.

Now he has probably been talking to a few of his friends, and he has gotton over the shock of his own actions and he doesn't feel vulnerable enough to follow through. Cause, hey, he's been doing what he wants at me and to me for years and years.

Obviously there is no benefit to me to crack because all it does is look like I am saying what he does is ok. It's not ok.

What have I given him in terms of time to consider his position, really? A week or so? I guess I am mainly reacting off of being called unstable. It's ticking me off to have that pulled out and slung at me. It makes me want to engage with him, it's like a nasty itch.

I guess because this seems so entrenched, I have lost faith in him changing his feelings.

Will talk to divorce attorney. It's a 90 day process in my state.

I think this is your best strategy and I will tell you why. I don't think he really believes yet that you are serious. He thinks you will eventually break and come back begging. If you file for divorce, you will send him the clear message that you are serious. That might be the only thing that will convince him you are serious and motivate him to change.

If he doesn't commit to making radical changes in that 90 days time, you will be divorced, which would be the best outcome here. If he doesn't change, divorce would be the definition of success.

So sorry he got through to you, Atlanta
I think you're on the right track with divorce.