I can understand this completely. The idea of having a messy house with a sink full of dishes would have me so distracted I could think of nothing else.

We aren't too great at planning actual activities for UA yet. This past week we only had two real date type planned things... One was lunch together over our work lunch break which was nice but probably less than an hour.

The other, we went to a nursery to do some shopping for plants and planning on a big landscaping project we would like to do next year. It was really fun for us actually. It ended up being around 3 hours.

The rest of the time was basically 1 hour here or there including C, A, & SF.

He is not very interested in getting a babysitter... Says he doesnt trust people. our oldest (my son from prev marriage) is 15 so he can watch the girls but he just doesnt seem interested or motivated i guess. Some of it has to do with when his daughter is with us, he doesn't want to lose time with her I think. He comments that it is hard to only have her half the time. I guess I feel pretty much like I can't force him to make it a priority.

I wish I didn't make it "all about me" but I always end up with the feeling that I'm not worth it.... It's so dumb to think that way but I think that feeling follows me and colors my world sometimes. Even when I'm not directly thinking it, I think I just have a sense of being unimportant so I just let it happen.

I had it on my list to come up with some fun recreation activities that he might like. I guess our UA plan should include specific activities.

Happily, I can say, I am trying extremely hard at this. This Saturday when he was running errands I cleaned up my side table which had been spilling over with papers and books, and did a deep clean of our bedroom and bathroom etc... The whole time thinking of how it would make him happy. I am trying to build the habits... Trying to remember to put things back right after I get done etc... Sounds so silly I guess, but for me I have improved. I know I am not at his level of standard yet. I am not sure I could ever really be at his level on this one.

Then this is where you should start. Sit down and plan out your dates for the next week. The dates should be in 2 to 4 hour blocks in order to be effective. Plan out these blocks of time and then decide what you want to do during those times. It is much harder to blow this time off when you have it scheduled.

It should be scheduled at a time when you both have the most energy, ie: in the early evening after work or Sat and Sunday afternoon are good times.

In the meantime, you can call around to find about babysitters to find someone you both "trust."

The program doesn't work without 15-20 hours of UA time, so you if you pencil whip this exercise you won't get any of it right. Go large or go home!

And you need to fill those blocks of time with the 4 intimate emotional needs -- You'll need to start adding in some RC. Most men need RC.

Is it too much to expect him to come to the table enthusiastically? Perhaps I should just take what I can get and his enthusiasm for this planning will grow?

You know, I really HATE cleaning house but I have no peace in a messy, dirty house, so I HIRE a cleaning lady to come in 1x a week to clean. Can you swing that? Even if you could get someone in every other week, it would take a tremendous load off of you.

Yes it is WAY too much to expect him to be enthusiastic at this point. Just go through the steps of getting in 15-20 hours of UA time and he WILL become enthusiastic.

This is understandable. I had the same reluctance. But, if you look around and be selective, it is possible to find someone you can both trust.

Y'all can send your rugrats over to Auntie Mel!! I have lots of duct tape!

Lol

Ya, I've been considering this as well... This could really help...

And see, the beauty of scheduling your UA time with him is that it will allow him to schedule his time with his daughter. Your marriage has to be the priority, though. If he plans carefully he won't have to sacrifice time with her.

Ok... So don't worry about his enthusiasm, and make sure to include RC...

I will have this goal for tomorrow when we sit down to plan our time. Thanks guys.

I would lose my mind if I had to spend hours cleaning my house. Having a cleaning lady gives us both peace of mind and allows us to spend our free time with each other.

Doing this will take enormous pressure off you and will alleviate his anxiety about a messy house. This way you can focus on your UA time.

It isn't silly at all. While it isn't going to garner you much milage right now since he is in a state of withdrawal, you are attempting to build good habits that will probably do 2 things;

1) Meet his DS need, wherever it really falls.

2) Possibly eliminate an annoying habit.

Both of those equal some kind of LB$ balance maintainence, which will be good as a long-term habit.

It just won't create romantic love right now.

And you don't have to necessarily decide tomorrow WHAT you are going to do. Just block out the times for now and line up babysitters. If you cant decide tomorrow what you will do during that time, you can think on it for awhile.

And while you are getting recommendations for sitters, you can also ask around for cleaning lady recommendations.

This is an important point. Cleaning up your act eliminates a lovebuster. Being messy is an annoying habit. But domestic support is not enough to cause someone to fall in love because it is not an intimate emotional need.

My DH had the annoying habit of leaving his dishes in the sink. So I explained to him that this upset me and he stopped doing it.

You might go in with some suggestions, though, of things you think he would enjoy doing -- something to pique his interest and that would be FUN for him to talk about doing.

Just an update... Still haven't planned anything this week. Started a conversation with him last night about our defensive exchange and said I didn't feel safe etc. I told him I felt like he wasn't listening to my feelings and how his reluctance and sour attitude over the planning made me feel like a chore and not worth it. He disagreed and said he would have done it, said "I feel like its all or nothing with you... I was tired". He said I'm supposed to do negotiation instead of just claiming "enthusiastic agreement needed" and I agreed that I didn't do the techniques... Fact is I guess I just don't really know how yet.

I told him sorry I didn't do it right.

That was basically the end of the conversation.

Guess I hoped he would show me some care, some type of indication that he is hearing my pain.

I told him it was the most important part of the program and Harley says he won't counsel without it and he comes back with " what? He requires that I LIKE planning the UA time?"

Ugh. I feel so unimportant.

I know I should plan it anyway but a part of me feels like I don't even want to be around him if he won't try to see how it affects me when he is so resistant.

I slept on the couch again. No eye contact when I saw him in passing this morning. I want to disappear.