I bought your book tonight and me and my wife sat down to read it. I made it to the second chapter was was overcome with a feeling of wanting to divorce more than ever? Someone care to explain how this is supposed to save a marriage? I stopped reading it right there and may try reading it alone.

Hi, RNR, welcome to Marriage Builders.

I am very sorry for the circumstances that brought you here. If you want to recover your marriage, we can help you learn how to use Dr. Harley's Marriage Builders principles to do that. If you choose not to recover your marriage after an affair, everybody here will support you in that. Infidelity is the worst trauma that any human being can inflict upon another. It is hard to believe that a relationship could be restored after that and that romantic love could flourish. Yet, Dr. Harley has been helping couples to recover from infidelity for decades now.

The choice is yours, my friend, and we would love to help you.

Here is Dr. Harley's video about infidelity. It is very informative:

www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi1001_infidelity0.html‎

RNR, which book? Do you remember which part upset you?

I know it doesn't seem like it now, but if you stick with this you can have a marriage that is 10x better than what you had before. It can be happy, passionate and fulfilling. You will not always feel this pain.

I just get the impression that this book states that what was/is done is "OK"? Something sacred was lost and may never return is that ok?

My w was given the opportunity to try and make things better "before anything happened" but she instead chose to go and have this affair while I sat at home with our daughter. These things are very hard to over come and I am having great difficulty doing so as she did have a choice and I was not it but am now?

Which book, RNR?

RNR, I am terribly sorry that you are going through this. All of the questions you are grappling with make perfect sense and are very hard questions. You want to take some time to think this through, and you want to make sure you do it rationally so that you make a good decision.

Have you seen your doctor about getting some antidepressants prescribed for awhile? Dr. Harley will often recommend that his clients get a doctor to prescribe antidepressants during the initial shock after an affair to help them stay calm so they can think through their options.

RNR, we hate affairs here, and we know that it hurts very much. Many people here have been able to recover using Dr. Harley's plans. There are others who have chosen not to take their wayward spouse back, and we support those who make that decision as well. Either way, you can have a bright future ahead of you, and we would love to help you get there.

Dr. Harley does NOT believe that an affair is "okay." !!!

According to the research Dr. H has studied, and research he has conducted, an affair is pretty much THE MOST TRAUMATIC THING one human being can do to another. People who have lost a limb, and suffered through infidelity, report that the affair hurt WORSE. People who have lost a CHILD, and suffered through infidelity, report that the affair hurt WORSE. When my dad suffered through my mother's affair, a supportive friend reported that his first marriage ended when his wife was unfaithful and second ended when his wife died, and the affair hurt WORSE.

No, an affair is NOT OKAY! Not even close!

What we want to do is help you recover, to help you to become okay, for the sake of yourself, and your children.

Right now you are like a traumatic burn victim whose skin has been completely burned off. We are going to need to start with some burn cream.

How long ago did you find out about the affair, RNR? What day?

How long did the affair last? When did it end?

Has your wife cut off any possibility of contact with the affair partner? Changed numbers, email addresses, etc.? If she worked with him, has she quit that job?

She says she has cut off all communication but I can't be sure. Over the past month that we have been trying reconciling I have seen Facebook messages from him to her and her to him. I have also see messages coming in on her phone from him. She says she was not responding but I am pretty sure she was, she said it was her cousin? I'm trying to trust her but I keep seeing these things. I am unsure about her e-mail.

This all means her affair is still active. If she is serious about ending her affair, she will delete Facebook and change her phone number and her email address. Are you separated?

And who is this rotten piece of crap? Have you exposed the affair to his family and friends?

RNR, has she changed her cell number?

I would insist on a joint Facebook or she should shut it down altogether.

But she can still contact the OM and see his Facebook page if they have a joint account. She needs to delete it entirely.

We are reconciling in the same apartment. She did give me access to her Facebook on my phone and I did see a message come in from om once. She then took it away from me and says she has not logged in since an has deactivated her FB account. All of which I have to take her word for, it does seem like she is serious and trying but there has been communication but as far as I can tell nothing in the past few weeks and we have been together all the time other than when we are at work. I don't know what she is doin with her email but she did change her cell number.

Would you take the word of a drug addict?
You cannot just take her word for it.

I sure wouldn't take her word for it. She needs to provide a way to PROVE she has cut off contact. For example, she needs to change her email address so he can't reach her. What if she is calling him from work? How would she prove to you she is not?

As a BS you must base everything from this point forward by her ACTIONS not her WORD! That may come later if she can prove to you again and again that she can be honest.

If she really wants to move on with you, she will welcome every opportunity to prove her word.

My wife had an A almost a year ago and she still knows to ensure I know her whereabouts at all times.

" I don't know what she is doin with her email"

How will you know?

You need to check and verify every single move she makes...it stinks at first but you will get a feel for what is right and wrong.

I agree with melody lane, could there be contact from the work phone? I have a tough time monitoring my wife's work phone, but people she works with know of the A and are a set of eyes and ears..

Do all you can to watch her until her word proves to be credible. She placed herself in this position of distrust and must welcome the chance to prove she can be honest...