I mean I don't know how to make deposits. He won't initiate conversation, its as if I'm the one who has all the complaints. I might email the Harley's again.

Yes, please email them. Did you ever hear back from them?

If not, then notify the MODS and ask them to relay yo the Harleys.

This morning I dropped one of my nieces to school and when I came back home my husband was at the kitchen table as usual but annoyed for some reason and said to not bother him for 2 hours. My mil was nearby so I asked her what happened and she said "I don't know" in a tone as if to say "I'm not sure."
I tried to stay calm, sat down on a chair and after a couple minutes asked him "Please share with me what's bothering you" and he said "nothing". I may or may never find out what this was about. Although I would really like to. Have you been able to work a similar situation like this into a positive conversation? How should I go about it without it letting myself bothered by something like this?

It would be best to stick to one thread so we can have the full context of your situation to answer with.

So according to your thread you snooped and found out he's talking with other people online about your relationship? Is that right?

Please get back to your thread. You don't need to "work a situation like this into a positive conversation" and you don't need to "without it letting myself bothered by something like this". Goodness, that is terrible advice. You should be bothered, and you need to complete the mission given you on your thread: find out what is going on, and if he is having a relationship with someone else, bust it up.

Truth be told I think you should be posting on the "surviving an affair" section to get the attention you need. The first step is for you to rule out a possible affair, not "work this into a positive conversation."

What snooping techniques do you have in place?

BH We r together through our the week now. The snooping software just destroyed our old computer and it stopped working eventually. It is not a long term solution.
I'm trying to have radical honesty and realize that each person's beliefs are different. I'm glad we have much in common. At the same time one cannot control the other or make decisions for them.

So did you find out what was bothering him? RH won't work if he won't be RH with you. If he is having an affair all the RH in the world won't help until the affair is destroyed.

No - it is not a long term solution, and nobody suggested it as a long term solution.

You need to find out what is going on with him. You need to rule out a possible affair, or uncover an affair if there is one. There is nothing we can do to help you until you find out what is going on with him. You can't solve this by "realizing that people's beliefs are different."

That doesn't make any sense.

You are right Markos. It's not easy and there are so many ways to think of this as part of my life. I appreciate the advice to tie new blow ups to the most recent problem that wasn't really resolved completely.
Some people are more dishonest than others. Some due to certain circumstances, in our case being partially financially depended on family. This does not in any allow reason for an emotional or other affair.
At this time I really don't wish to watch all the activities on the computer, tv and radio he has constantly on. When I need to spend hours cleaning I refrain now and spend reading on the couch with him in our living room.

So he may still be in contact with OW and you don't want to snoop to verify what he's doing?

Do I understand you correctly?

BH there is no OW as far as I can tell.
I try to stay connected but there are disagreements off and on. For example again today about his brother and he cant hear my opinion about him. So I stay disconnected with him till evening.
I had to ask him about different things 4 times now and he's not on talking terms. He agreed to clean the bathroom tomorrow but thats it. I asked who won in the game, he said he doesnt know.

Dear W,

it seems like you are not sure how to do the MB plan effectively.
- what are the things (emotional needs) that made you fall in love with him?
because at this time he has no job, living of his parents, no conversation, no domestic help, etc. To say that it is less than ideal is an understatement.
- how are you filling his emotional needs?
- you have to look at you own love busters also. People can withdraw if they are having an affair, but they can also withdraw because they experience love busters.
(You ignore him, tell him to clean up his mess and seem to have some disrespectful judgements about him, maybe have angry outburts.)
Complaining in a respectful way is not the same as bugging him and sulking if he does not do what you would like.
- are the two of you spending 15 hours a week doing fun things and having sex and intimate conversation?

You have to give him some hope that the relationship can get better and clearly he should also give you hope. Not changing anything will only make things worse. Why would you want to be in the relationship as it is now?

Time to change your habits and develop new ones.

also, read: buyers, renters and freeloaders.

If you are not martied you may consider getting out of the relationship.

Agreed, not married and no kids, why give CPR to an obviously dying horse?

Still dating and no kids after 3 years together should feel like a whirlwind honeymoon, not computer snooping and spending almost a year in the SAA section. Self-torture!

There was some confusion when the thread started, but it seems she is married.

Helpful advice helpfulheart. As you know it cant be always black and white. Solving the issues together is my goal. As looking back it was a his emotional needs that weren't met by me sulking either.

After asking to clean up after him, I went back to the way I use to respond with my parents during disagreements. That was by shutting down. And unhealthy definitely.
So the agreement since the last talk in March was that I wouldn't stay in the bedroom for days. Instead I would stay in the living room or clean as I please. Or ask for to turn off tv after say an hour or so.
It has helped some. Ofcourse by no magic has all disagreements (emotional or otherwise) disappeared.

From what I can tell, because of not working, as we would ideally like (in his profession), we aren't in a situation having everything as we please. So since our wedding my mother expected more from him, as a parent and it showed in the last year on his December birthday, after my younger brother got married.

Once I stopped my full time work, around a year later he started drifting emotionally to his mother to take care of her. She was also sick 2 years ago. I tried to help where I can in providing meals weekly, and yes leading to resenting cleaning up the entire kitchen messes.

Many habits are also learned from family prior to marriage and tough to change others. I was tell him about how it is tough to change people's habits. I'll report back.

I hope soon to move to recovery and will report back. We have taken a professional class and may study together for an exam in the next few months.
And the dreaded end of the year time again.

Have you verified that the affair is over?

Did he write a NC letter? Give you a list of EPs?

BH I have assumed that his emotional distance pattern will continue till he is able to financially provide for. Or till a point where decide to part.

Like helpful heart says, need to show there's a reason to continue. If he thinks he's better off good for him. Right now he throws crumbs when i have to repeatedly remind his chores that he agreed on. We r on round 3 of 3 weeks, weekly routine of putting away cofee cup, filling sink with his dishes. So thats about my expectations.

His expectations are said in short as i hear it if he is confronted "No one cares of wt i want". So for now confronting i've stopped. Its a seesaw yes but life continues, as it is life after all. Only life. If not here then else where.
I've forgotten what nc and ep is.