I have not spoken to her, but their house is for sale and I know from my wife (back during the last time she was with him, in January) he was involved in a custody battle for his son.

Do you still see value in speaking to her?

Don't believe ANYTHING your wife tells you!
Yes! You need to contact the betrayed wife immediately in person

You need to TEAR this affair apart!
Expos� to the mans wife!
Call his mother, ask her to keep him away from your wife.
Send a message to all of his family and friends on Facebook.

Expos� to the employers TOP LEVEL management.

Read the Exposure 101 thread in melody lanes signature.
You should have done this a year ago.
It needs done this weekend

Of course! You can share valuable information and may be able to help her in her custody battle.

Jedi Knight, you seem more optimistic than MelodyLane about my chances ... I'll admit that the idea of exposure is VERY scary to me. But I guess that I have really nothing at all to lose, so I'm listening.

My wife told me early on that the OM's wife knows about the affair - the fact she found out is the reason that my wife told me, because the other wife threatened to tell me. MelodyLane, what you say about helping the OM's wife in her custody battle makes sense. I will contact her.

I know in retrospect that I've made many mistakes. I let things slide because a) I was angry and hurt and didn't want to speak with her for a long time; b) I've been a doormat and afraid to confront and expose her; and c) I was getting what seemed like helpful advice at the time; it really felt like the Harville Hendrix approach was working and we were rediscovering the love. These are all my own errors and I don't blame them on anyone but me. I now realize it may be too late, and I should have done these things long ago, so I just want to know if there is value to trying a full on exposure at this stage or if I should just accept a divorce and focus on telling my kids the truth.

Another mistake I may have made was signing a separation agreement with my wife where we split custody 50-50. At the time I didn't want to hurt our kids by depriving them of both their parents. Yes, I know that SHE is depriving them of 50% of the time they could be spending with their parents and I should not have enabled her on this. I'm not sure if there is any value or even possibility of seeking full custody if we divorce, given that we've been in this arrangement for a year and a half now and given I've also had an extramarital relationship. Any thoughts on this?

If I were you, I would expose the affair. I don't believe it will save your marriage at this point, but it will let everyone know who the OM really is and the part he played in the breakup of your marriage.

By doing this, many circles in your family and friends will reject the OM.. Otherwise, he will inject himself as some new man your wife met AFTER you broke up. Others need to know taht he played an instrumental part in the breakup of your marriage. You don't need that RAT to impose himself in every corner of your life. And most especially, your children need to know that he is the enemy of their family. Your children will deeply resent it when they find out they have been tricked.

Do her parents have any idea what happened? Have they been introduced to him?

I would ask your lawyer about this. It all depends on the laws of your state.

Yes, you should tell OMW everything you know that can help her. Tell your kids the truth, too, so they will be less confused about what has happened with their mom. Kids blame themselves when they don't understand why their parents have changed. Your kids deserve to know the nature and the name of the slimeball who has been interfering in their parents' marriage.

There is just her mom (her dad passed away years ago). She has not told her mom and is totally afraid to. But I could tell her too.

Yes, you should tell her mom.

That's a good point, IAintReadyToQuit. I don't think there is enough there for my wife to marry to the OM, which is why she has not been able to stay with him for very long at a time. But if it happened, I'd want them to know what really happened.

I am sure she would appreciate knowing this.

Thank you. All this is giving me courage.

You can continue to hold her to the contract without telling her you're doing that.

Show her and tell her how much you love her whenever you can be in contact with her. Be the best YOU that you can be.

Tell her mom what you have been going through with her daughter. Tell MIL how much you love her DD and will forever if your wife will recommit to you. Your MIL can be an ally for you with your wife.

You have not yet exposed to everyone who could have an impact yet? That can be a powerful resource for your future and will give you some relief from your anguish.

Thank you everyone for all the advice so far - I really appreciate it, though it is hard to hear.

Please forgive me if you hear this a million times. I'm not arguing with anyone, just trying to understand. There seems to be an automatic assumption that my wife's affair is continuing just because she continues to work with the OM. Are you defining "affair" as PA/EA, or the affair "fog" and confusion due to the continued contact.

The reason I ask is that I can readily accept the second and agree with that. I have trouble assuming the first. I understand that people who cheat become habituated to lying and covering things up. I readily will admit there are likely things she still isn't telling me. But I have been very diligent in demanding her to be accountable for her whereabouts and her contact with the OM over the past three months. She has been voluntarily forthcoming on a large number of occasions when he tried to initiate contact with her, asked me what I was okay with, and accepted my firm insistence that there be no work-related contact - hated it and has been very angry at me for it, but to best of my knowledge, has been true to that. She has been open about the fact she still has feelings for him and that she is trying hard to let those pass, and that they are starting to fade away after several months. She was honest about her return to him in January even though she did not have to be (she could have kept it secret and I would not have known), even though she knew I would be (and was) very angry with her. She has voluntarily admitted that her affair was wrong and was a mistake and that she doesn't want to be in a relationship with him anymore, though she has not fully acknowledged and owned up to the destruction it has caused. I recognize she has hid behind secrecy and not shared things in the past (which I accept as deceitful), but to my knowledge she has never hid from a direct question when challenged - she has many times in the past refused to tell me things, but to my knowledge has not told me things that are untrue that I later found out were true.

My question is, are you all insinuating that the PA is actually still continuing through the work relationship and that she has likely been lying to me the past three months? Or just that the continued contact at work is still messing with her head and that unless that is severed forever there is no chance at recovery? I ask only because I want to understand exactly what you mean when you say the affair is still continuing.

I'm recognizing that this probably can't be saved, that it has gone on too long, and at this point just trying to understand what went wrong and whether at this point there is value in going all out, or whether I should just let go and focus on being honest with my kids and other people we are both close to.

Again, thank you everyone for your comments.

Dmel;

It doesn't matter if the A is still physical. It is still ongoing if she has ANY contact w/ OM.

I went through this w/ my WH. He committed to a work transfer, just "business only" contact until the time the transfer went through... Which dragged on for 5 months!! Because, there is NO SUCH THING as business-only contact.

Like your situation, Taffy knew his A was wrong. He knew it could only end badly. He was apologetic to me. He was resolved to work on our marriage. But, he now admits, HE COULD NOT STOP THE A so long as there was any possibility of contact.

You say your WW is having difficulty committing to you. OF COURSE she is, so long as there is any contact, or any possibility of contact. Whether she is truthful about disclosing the nature of the ongoing contact is irrelevant.

You are fearful of exposure. We all were. But you should be more fearful of NOT exposing. Because that is what has produced your results to date. You have enabled your wife's ongoing confusion and ongoing A. I am sorry for your pain.

The affair has not ended. WW by not having NC with the OM is still pining for the OM.

Plan A

Full exposure WW parents, siblings, work, FB; OMW, OM parents, work, FB.

She is having an affair at work. This is a physical affair. She might not be having sex with him right this second, but the affair is very active. Like I said earlier, all you have done is changed the name of the affair to "professional contact." The affair is live and well. The notion that you are "keeping her accountable" is ludicrous. That is like saying you are holding her accountable while she goes drunk driving.

We are not insinuating, we are telling you how it is. You are too foggy to understand the situation because you have no objectivity.

And even if she did decide to end her affair and is temporarily calling her affair "professional contact" ALL THE ADVICE WOULD BE THE SAME.