Dmel, I would certainly tell your children, your wife's mother and the OM's wife about the affair. It is very likely that the OM's wife has no idea why her marriage is being destroyed. You have a moral obligation to tell her.

And the most important piece of advice I can give you is to pay no attention to your wife's words. Pay attention to her actions. Her claims that the affair is over are all lies. I am not guessing about this, I am giving you a fact. She is probably telling you this so you will cooperate with the divorce. You don't understand what you are dealing with and have allowed yourself to be manipulated all along. That is why you are getting divorced.

Another important piece of advice

do not tell wife you are going to expose.

Just do it in one fell swoop. Preplan your contacts to do it to and then do it to each, one after another til each person has been informed.

Your wife will be hissing, spitting, scary mad and threaten you with things once she realizes people know. THAT is NORMAL. Just prepare yourself for that scary result. It is okay for you to make her mad........just stay cool and do not react visibly to the assault of hostility.

It will eventually blow over.

I just called the OMW. She did know about the affair from way back, as my wife had told me. But she is getting divorced and has not spoken with her ex about his personal life since this time last year. She said she is putting all this behind her and doesn't really care anymore what he is doing, did not ask much for details and could not share much with me, but said she appreciated the call and was willing to help if there was anything she could help with.

Good job! And keep in mind that your wife did not know if the OMW knew or not. She only told you what she was told by a liar. Everything your wife tells you is likely a lie and has to be independently verified BY YOU.

Cheaters are liars who operate on the basis of pure selfishness. If a lie serves their purpose, they will tell a lie.

It is also very common for cheaters to SAY they have told their spouse so that others won't contact them and tell them. Sadly, if you and the OMW had communicated 2-3 years ago when the affair started, you probably could have killed this affair and saved your marriage. But there is no use crying over spilled milk.

p.s. I would tell your kids, your MIL and anyone else today so you get this done in one fell swoop. Your wife will come after you with fury so you might as well get your money's worth.

And please get your hands on the book, Surviving an Affair by Dr Bill Harley. I think you can download it on your computer. If you don't have a kindle you can download Kindle for PC's. That book is the bible for affairs. You will be able to relate to the story of Sue and Jon.

Okay. I'm committed to telling my kids. I am still on the fence about exposing to the rest of the world - yes, scared, I fully admit - but you have me actively considering it. Nothing else I have done has had an impact, so I'm not justifying anything about my previous approach or the errors in it. I do want to understand how the package works first. If I were to do this, I would stick with plan A, which means try to stay engaged and meet her needs in any way possible, be my best self and show her I love her and want to reconcile. I've read the article on this but have a few questions. Do I try to prolong the divorce, fight it? How long do I do this for until I accept the divorce? How long after the divorce should I keep trying? We are at 18 months already since D-day, so I'm 100% aware this is not a good situation and want to know what I'd be up against and where the slivers of hope might be. I'm still learning how this works, so grateful for any information.

The OMW told me something strange. My wife had said the OM told her his wife found out and threatened to tell me. That was why my wife decided to tell me (18 months ago). However, the OMW told me she never said that and would never have told me as she didn't see it as her business to. Right or wrong, it reveals a lie somewhere, so I'm seeing what you are saying. Maybe the OM or my wife were just afraid she would tell me?

Yes, I am seeing what you mean about not being able to trust things that are said by cheaters - you don't need to tell me again

You have lost your marriage because you have operated on the basis of FEAR this whole time and have inadvertently ENABLED the affair. You can't save a marriage when you are an enabler who allows FEAR to drive his emotions.

You have nothing to lose at this point because you have lost everything, by being fearful. If you want to wait to finish these exposures, you only make the situation much harder when you have to deal with her fury 1000 times. Just deal with it one time and get it over with.

Exposure is not likely to save your marriage, but it will help you in the future if everyone knows how your marriage ended and who the OM really is. By keeping the secret, you ENABLE that POS to insert himself into your family. Don't do that for him. Don't be an enabler.

You are such a fearful person that I would IMPLORE you to get these exposures done today. Don't delay. I don't feel you have the stamina to withstand her fury over and over again.

Do you want to help the OM insert himself into your family's life? That is all you are doing by keeping his secret.

How do you think your children are going to feel when they find out? Will your MIL appreciate that you allowed some piece of CRAP to ingratiate himself into her home without knowing he helped destroy her grandchildren's lives?

If my son was involved in an affair and brought the skank to my home, she would not be allowed to cross my threshold.

You have absolutely no good reason to hide this affair from anyone. To do so makes you an accessory to the crime.

No, please don't misunderstand me. I agree I've been operating on fear. You're totally right! But at this stage, I'm not worried about her fury. I have handled that many times before, and have no issue with that. It may have been an issue in the past but if I have nothing to lose, it is suddenly not an issue.

I'm afraid of looking like a jilted spouse trying to stir up problems because of sour grapes. I'm afraid of looking bad to others who will say "who cares? why are you airing all this dirty laundry?" and think I'm a selfish, bitter person. You can criticize that if you want, and go ahead, but it's not because I'm afraid of her anger.

One of the complex issues is that I work for the same organization as my WW and the OM. Not in the same branch or area, but spreading this around at work will have a big effect on me too. Also, to be fully honest, I will have to air my dirty laundry too - the SA and my affair. Because if I don't, she will. I've told many individuals I'm friends with, but this is different, and yes, frightening to consider. If it must be done, it must be done, but it's hard. If she is fired, I could be also. If this affects her chances of promotion, it will affect mine also. And we have kids to support. It's just a lot to think of. So yes, I'm scared.

To take a step: should a letter to her colleagues mention just her affair, or also mine? Or should I do that only if she brings it up in response and freely admit to it if anyone asks?

Gotcha! And thanks for saying this.


That is the exact reaction you can expect from some quarters. Just expect that some people will react badly and others will react with compassion and offer support.


I would not spread this around to work colleagues, except close alliances. That is not what we mean by exposure. Go read my exposure thread about appropriate exposure targets. The affair should be exposed to Human Resources as directed.


Don't even bring up your affair except to your children. The purpose of the letter is to explain the reason for the breakup of your marriage. When you speak to your children, you will want to tell them about your affair and why this is wrong. But otherwise, don't bring it up.

The whole point of your exposure is to explain to the world WHY your marriage is ending. The purpose is not to air all the dirty laundry in your marriage. if you do that, people will think you are a kook. And if your wife comes back and says you did blah, blah, blah, people will view it as excuse making. See what I mean?

dmel, and you need to do this today. I would call or email close family and friends today and whip off a letter to the Director of Human Resources and a key VP tomorrow so it is waiting in their in box on Tuesday.

And again, the purpose of the letter is to inform them of a matter that directly affects the workplace, which is your wife and the OM's affair. Your affair does not affect them. Your company is at legal risk because of their workplace affair.

Check out the templates and best practices on my exposure thread.

Thank you for being firm but understanding. I suppose this is the approach I should use as well with her, right?

I just found out that her mother is in the hospital with a perforated stomach. I'd prefer to not introduce this in a way that could risk her health. Do you still suggest moving today, or wait a couple of days for her to stabilize?

I also was thinking of asking my wife about this tonight. I haven't spoken to her since she asked for divorce and frankly at the time I was too shocked and feed up to inquire why. (At the moment, I felt ready for a divorce too and didn't care anmore whether she was cheating.) I know you are saying I can't trust her but in the past she has admitted to cheating when asked a direct question. It would help to have any kind of evidence I can glean, right?

And thank you for the tips. I'll read your thread again for details.

You got it!


I would definitely wait on that exposure.


What specifically are you going to ask her about? If she is still having an affair?

You are very welcome. You have a long shot here if you expose and I will explain why. I do believe you will end up divorced. BUT, if you expose the affair it will crumble and die out. Not exposing the affair keeps it alive and well. By exposing it will crumble when they can't pretend like this all started up AFTERWARDS to the outside world. When reality intrudes, the fantasy will be burst.

Exposure puts great pressure on the affair because many people will have nothing to do with them. And they will always wonder if people are looking down on them.

When the affair dies off, your wife may come to her senses. When that happens, there is always a chance you can reconcile and even remarry. But that is very unlikely to happen if the fantasy is protected and kept alive.

It is a long shot but there is some hope. You have nothing to lose after all.

Yes. And exactly in what ways OM is involved with decision to divorce. As I said, she could lie, but has answered this question frankly on several previous occasions - never disclosed voluntarily, but at least answered direct questions. I figure it may be one way to possibly confirm something and at least I'd have hat info. If she denies obviously it may or may not be true.

Would you ask a falling down drunk why they drink and expect to get a rational answer? You can ask if OM was involved in decision to divorce, BUT I will tell you that I have NEVER EVER seen a cheater admit that their affair was involved. BECAUSE their goal is to blame the divorce on the betrayed spouse. We already KNOW that the reason they are getting divorced is because of the affair. So there is really no reason to ask a question you already know the answer to.

I know if I asked your wife why she is getting divorced, she would cite all of your shortcomings and explain why you are satan incarnate. She would rewrite the history of your marriage dredging up every wrongdoing going back 20 years. She would say she has never been in love with you OR fell out of love years and years ago. Heck, she has probably told people you "abused" her! Wayward wives love playing the "abuse" card.


Honestly, this is about as productive as asking a falling down drunk why they get drunk. I suppose it can't hurt, but it is not going to help. I seriously doubt she will admit that her affair is the cause of the divorce.

Point taken. Sorry, I meant to say I would ask her if she has been having relations with OM again. In the past on two occasions I have asked this point blank and gotten a yes answer to it. In both cases I subsequently stopped speaking with her, but now realize I should have exposed at those points and followed Plan A. It would just be a potential way to confirm.

It can't hurt, but I don't expect her to admit the truth this close to the divorce. If she admits she is still having the affair it could harm her position in the divorce. Surely she has smartened up about that. It is not in her best interest to admit the truth.