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What you are saying doesn't make any sense.
You knew that OM lived in the neighborhood and with your daughter playing there and sometimes needing a ride home = risk. Exactly. Just doing this in the first place is taking a risk. If you are taking a risk, you are not taking extraordinary precautions. I know a betrayed wife who, after several years of recovery, recently learned that her former wayward husband's affair partner was coming into their neighborhood to bring her children for activities. That betrayed wife is now a nervous wreck!!! The fact that the OW even came into the neighborhood is a serious danger for her emotional health. Every little risk like this is serious and not to be trifled with. You are right. And I do think I got so defensive because I did realize through this omission that I was was being extremely risky even going into this neighborhood. And to answer someones question above, yes my H does know that he lives in this neighborhood. I just told H about the incident. I apologized for holding it in for two days and told him that it was really bothering me. I told him that no matter what I can't go into that neighborhood again and wont go in it again. That I saw OM pulling out of his driveway and it was a major trigger. He didn't really have a reaction but that is how he is, he often holds his true feelings in. He is watching me type right now though and has asked me a couple questions about what I have told you guys and your responses to me. He will probably read this at some point.
Me (WS) Husband (BS)
DS - 15
DD -10
My D-day - 11/12/11
Today Me (BS) H (WS)
D-Day #2 01/14/12
I don't want to just survive my affair, I want to recover from it!
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Fifteen years,
If your conscience if bothering you it is best to tell your BH, end of story. Otherwise you will be thinking of this 5 years from now.
I agree Gamma and do feel better now that I talked to my H about it.
Simple question does your DD know what went on?
My DD knows as well that he lives in the neighborhood. She does not know how close he is to her friend.
God Bless
Gamma
Last edited by fifteenyears; 05/29/13 02:35 PM.
Me (WS) Husband (BS)
DS - 15
DD -10
My D-day - 11/12/11
Today Me (BS) H (WS)
D-Day #2 01/14/12
I don't want to just survive my affair, I want to recover from it!
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Another key point is that the POJA is not to be used on risky behavior. You can't use the POJA to violate EP #1. That would be like using the POJA on cigarette smoking. Enthusiastic agreement won't negate the damage of smoking. You can POJA drug use, jumping off of a cliff, or swinging. It doesn't make any of them a good idea for your marriage. A famous example is porn use. Many couples agree enthusiastically, but it still affects their marriage negatively. And in fact, a lot of times the truth is that one spouse (typically the wife) wasn't really enthusiastic; she just said she was.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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You are right. And I do think I got so defensive because I did realize through this omission that I was was being extremely risky even going into this neighborhood. And to answer someones question above, yes my H does know that he lives in this neighborhood.
I just told H about the incident. I apologized for holding it in for two days and told him that it was really bothering me. I told him that no matter what I can't go into that neighborhood again and wont go in it again. That I saw OM pulling out of his driveway and it was a major trigger.
He didn't really have a reaction but that is how he is, he often holds his true feelings in. He is watching me type right now though and has asked me a couple questions about what I have told you guys and your responses to me.
He will probably read this at some point. By the way, I recently listened to a Marriage Builders radio from 2011 in which a betrayed husband WANTED his wife to continue to have contact with the man she'd had an affair with. He was enthusiastic about continued contact. In fact, he DEMANDED it. Dr. Harley told her to not agree to continue to contact the man, and to refuse to do so, no matter what her husband said.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I just told H about the incident. I apologized for holding it in for two days and told him that it was really bothering me. I told him that no matter what I can't go into that neighborhood again and wont go in it again. That I saw OM pulling out of his driveway and it was a major trigger. Bravo R is a process. There is an opportunity to learn around every corner for all of us. I do think your heart is in the right place. Lord knows I mess up all the time. However, my goal is to never make the same mistake 2x's. Now tighten up those EP's and O&H! ...oh and have a great evening together with some good UA time!
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[I just told H about the incident. I apologized for holding it in for two days and told him that it was really bothering me. And promise to ALWAYS tell him immediately if this ever happens again and discuss how you can encourage Radical Honesty between both of you
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Fifteen years,
How close are you to OM?
Were you ever able to get OM fired from his teaching job or in any other way get OM to move, how does your BH handle the stress of OM being that close?
I would have to believe your BH thinks about breaking OMs knees when OM is walking to his car in the morning at least 10 times a year.
God Bless
Gamma
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Good job for telling him. Hopefully there will not be a "next time", right ? But if there is you will tell him immediately.
No bad dreams tonight....
me: FWW/BW
Married 20 years, 4 kids
We made it.
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You are right. And I do think I got so defensive because I did realize through this omission that I was was being extremely risky even going into this neighborhood. And to answer someones question above, yes my H does know that he lives in this neighborhood.
I just told H about the incident. I apologized for holding it in for two days and told him that it was really bothering me. I told him that no matter what I can't go into that neighborhood again and wont go in it again. That I saw OM pulling out of his driveway and it was a major trigger.
He didn't really have a reaction but that is how he is, he often holds his true feelings in. He is watching me type right now though and has asked me a couple questions about what I have told you guys and your responses to me.
He will probably read this at some point. By the way, I recently listened to a Marriage Builders radio from 2011 in which a betrayed husband WANTED his wife to continue to have contact with the man she'd had an affair with. He was enthusiastic about continued contact. In fact, he DEMANDED it. Dr. Harley told her to not agree to continue to contact the man, and to refuse to do so, no matter what her husband said. I do not understand at all why an BS would at all DEMAND their spouse to continue contact. I would like to hear that radio clip. You are right about POJAing. I guess I thought that since I checked with him and he was okay with it, that that rationalized it. I also assumed that the chance of seeing him was slim to none...but why take that chance an look what ended up happening.
Me (WS) Husband (BS)
DS - 15
DD -10
My D-day - 11/12/11
Today Me (BS) H (WS)
D-Day #2 01/14/12
I don't want to just survive my affair, I want to recover from it!
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[I just told H about the incident. I apologized for holding it in for two days and told him that it was really bothering me. And promise to ALWAYS tell him immediately if this ever happens again and discuss how you can encourage Radical Honesty between both of you Thank you twenty years!!! I have learned a lot from you today. Especially in the position you are in now with clearmind. You have really given me some great insight. I will be sure to bring this up during UA time tonight.
Me (WS) Husband (BS)
DS - 15
DD -10
My D-day - 11/12/11
Today Me (BS) H (WS)
D-Day #2 01/14/12
I don't want to just survive my affair, I want to recover from it!
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Fifteen years,
How close are you to OM?
He is on the other side of town but we live in a very large town.
Were you ever able to get OM fired from his teaching job or in any other way get OM to move, how does your BH handle the stress of OM being that close? OM was transferred to a different school. Again, we live in a big town/county and our district is one of the largest in this county. Some people in the past have questioned and had concerns with us still being in the same district but we will never see each other. And I have set up EPs for any event or job that would even give the slightest risk of us seeing each other.
I would have to believe your BH thinks about breaking OMs knees when OM is walking to his car in the morning at least 10 times a year.
I'm sure he does. He used to say all of the time that he hoped he never ran into him because he would probably punch him in the face. I asked him a little while ago how he felt about the entire incident and he said that he was surprised that it didn't bother him that much. He said he was concerned that I felt like I could not tell him right away. He also questioned why I felt that he could not go pick our daughter up in the neighborhood. He understood my concern but didn't think it was a big deal for him to (What does this mean???)
God Bless
Gamma
Me (WS) Husband (BS)
DS - 15
DD -10
My D-day - 11/12/11
Today Me (BS) H (WS)
D-Day #2 01/14/12
I don't want to just survive my affair, I want to recover from it!
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Good job for telling him. Hopefully there will not be a "next time", right ? But if there is you will tell him immediately.
No bad dreams tonight.... No next time for sure! I will definitely tell him the truth. I can't believe how awful I have felt the past two days just keeping that from him. That is probably the hardest thing for both of us in our marriage. We both struggle with RA with each other. No bad dreams and some good UA/RA time! Thanks for the support and the 2x4s. I hated them and they made me upset but that was because they were Radically honest and pointed out my flaw before I even realized it was one. I asked for them but wasn't really prepared earlier today to take them.
Me (WS) Husband (BS)
DS - 15
DD -10
My D-day - 11/12/11
Today Me (BS) H (WS)
D-Day #2 01/14/12
I don't want to just survive my affair, I want to recover from it!
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I also assumed that the chance of seeing him was slim to none...but why take that chance an look what ended up happening. Sorry but this doesn't ring true. I think you know exactly where the POSOM lives and you knew exactly where the pickup location is. You just didn't "happen" to be on the same street a couple doors down. In some small way you were hoping for that affair fix and you got it thus setting back your recovery a lot. You fell off the wagon and now need to redouble your efforts to recover. Please do not minimize this huge error in your judgement to your husband. Remember all it takes is one drink.
BH: 46
FWW: 44
3 DD: 20,17,11
Married 24 years
PA/EA: 5/08
DDay: 6/08
NC: 8/08
Previous EA 1998 confessed 8/08
In Recovery
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Fifteenyears,
He also questioned why I felt that he could not go pick our daughter up in the neighborhood. He understood my concern but didn't think it was a big deal for him to (What does this mean???)
Possibly that the risk of a confrontation with OM bothers BH less than the risk you will have eye contact with OM.
God Bless
Gamma
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Tell your DD the OM lives two houses from her budding friendship and you can not take her to the home nor pick her up in the future and would appreciate her support in trying to avoid the friend's home due to that. And, that you are sorry that your adultery has continuing ripple effects on her life.
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I also assumed that the chance of seeing him was slim to none...but why take that chance an look what ended up happening. Sorry but this doesn't ring true. I think you know exactly where the POSOM lives and you knew exactly where the pickup location is. You just didn't "happen" to be on the same street a couple doors down. In some small way you were hoping for that affair fix and you got it thus setting back your recovery a lot. You fell off the wagon and now need to redouble your efforts to recover. Please do not minimize this huge error in your judgement to your husband. Remember all it takes is one drink. Think whatever you want. I am not going to sit here and take offense and try and defend myself to people who think I was trying to get my "fix". I can say if that was my intentions, I don't think I would have written in today getting advice but whatever, believe what you want because I know what rings true in my heart. I will tell you that I have been avoiding this neighborhood for over a year now. That is why the other girls mother does all of the picking up and dropping off, we meet halfway, or this girl comes over to my house. I am not minimizing that FACTS of my situation all all. Thank you for making the assumption that I knew where the POSOM lived, but I didn't. I might have fallen off the wagon but the wagon that I fell of was the EP wagon. I lowered my EP standards and took a risk that I now see was a very great one.
Me (WS) Husband (BS)
DS - 15
DD -10
My D-day - 11/12/11
Today Me (BS) H (WS)
D-Day #2 01/14/12
I don't want to just survive my affair, I want to recover from it!
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Tell your DD the OM lives two houses from her budding friendship and you can not take her to the home nor pick her up in the future and would appreciate her support in trying to avoid the friend's home due to that. And, that you are sorry that your adultery has continuing ripple effects on her life. I will and I will be sure to take the blame for the inconvenience that this is causing in her life. She does already know that one of the main reasons why we do not go to this neighborhood is because of the OM. She is just no aware of how close he is to her friends house.
Me (WS) Husband (BS)
DS - 15
DD -10
My D-day - 11/12/11
Today Me (BS) H (WS)
D-Day #2 01/14/12
I don't want to just survive my affair, I want to recover from it!
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Alright! I have a pretty good BS-meter and I don't believe for a minute that 15years is guilty of anything more than taking a risk with her EPs. I think she underestimated the risk and is kicking herself today. I believe she is genuinely surprised by the outcome. She GETS it now and I think we should support her instead of doubting her word. I don't doubt her one bit.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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15years, you made a mistake and have used it as learning opportunity. That is all anyone can expect. You might have made a mistake, but what counts is how you handle that mistake. As far as I am concerned, you handled it very well. 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thanks Mel, that really means a lot to me! That is why I came to you guys today. I knew you would not sugar coat it for me and deep down I knew that my actions weren't right.
Maybe that is why I posted. I think the guilt of not telling my H and the fact that I did make a stupid mistake compelled me to tell you guys.
I look at you guys as my teachers. I don't always like what you have to say and today it really did get to me. But at the same time I learned from it. It also gave me a chance to tighten up my EPs but also talk to my H about Radical Honesty. Something I think we both still struggle with.
Again, thank you for your support and your 2x4s, they hurt but they open my eyes every time.
Me (WS) Husband (BS)
DS - 15
DD -10
My D-day - 11/12/11
Today Me (BS) H (WS)
D-Day #2 01/14/12
I don't want to just survive my affair, I want to recover from it!
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