Dr. Harley also recommends this quite frequently. Your BH running into OM sent him way back, especially since you're fairly certain there is no OW. Show him JC by initiating the move.

Put the house up for sale. Tell BH you no longer want to risk the both of you seeing the OM ever again.

I am going to agree with the concensus that the underlying cause to the problem here is your husband being triggered, not your husband not being radically honest.

You are upset that he isn't telling you, and that is understandable - it means you are missing opportunities.

However, there would be no gain in him telling you every single time he is triggered. It would be a constant drain that would leave you constantly feeling like a failure.

There are two better solutions here - for him to focus on increasing UA time and enjoyable activities with you, and to come up with ways to reduce and/or completely eliminate triggers.

At the same time, when you notice him withdrawing you can also take it as an opportunity to invite him to join you in some of your (mutual) favorite UA activities and ramp up that UA time.

XVY, a while ago you mentioned that your spouse received some comfort or guidance from some of my ramblings. I'm still here if he'd like to post on MB.

If not please ask him to request from JU my e-mail address, to send me a private note. Perhaps a 1-on-1 discussion between us could lead to a more honest discussion than he's willing to entertain publicly on this board.

As for yourself, please try to stifle the LBs at the start. (I'm guessing you already came to that conclusion.) You need to retain every iota of creativity and initiative in the weeks ahead, and having anger and resentment competing for the available synapses is ineffective.

I will look forward to his note....

HHH,
You bring up a very valid point about triggers and I completely understand that. I am also talking about General communication. He told me he had been unhappy since spring, not feeling like he could ever get over what I did. I guess it bothers me because I had no clue and it wasn't because I was not paying attention. He was not withdrawn, we did things together, great sex, etc..

In addition the open and honest thing has been a major struggle in our marriage prior to the affair and in other areas as well.

I feel like seeing OM brought everything out and brought him back to day one. I just feel like we have worked to hard to get to where we are to give up now. Like I said before though, marriage is a two way street and if he is too tired to work on his side I can't force him to.

Is it wrong for me also however to say that if he does decide to leave and be done then I have to be done as well? This is the fourth time he has done this to me. I know some of you may say I brought it on myself, but it is emotionally exhausting to myself and or children.

NG, I will be sure to let him know you are there for him and ready to talk.

I wouldn't be "done." I would MOVE away from there and hope that he follows you. That should have been done in the beginning. The reason he goes in and out is because he is perpetually triggered living where you do. Your marriage could have a chance if you moved.

This is not surprising to me at all. I immediately thought of the fact that NC was broken when you ran into the OM picking up your daughter in his neighborhood this past spring. Broken NC is a major setback to any recovery. And now this. I can't imagine.

Has your daughter continued going into the neighborhood where OM lives?

You are right Susie. He said he started feeling this way in spring. This may have been his first real setback. Even though he seemed to blow it off as no big deal at the time he just admitted to me that he was upset that I didn't tell him right away. I admit that I haven't done all I can do to protect my marriage. It was not intentional but I realize this now and it may cost me my marriage.

Feeling a little hopeless right now but still willing to fight and continue saving my marriage.

Your husband probably doesn't see any way out of this and envisions a future with a perpetual dark cloud hanging over him. If you move away, that cloud goes away along with his resentment. Have you spoken to him about this?

Here is the thing. Your husband is not thinking strategically.

If your husband leaves you, his future will STILL hold heartbreak for him. He will lose his marriage and his family and STILL have occasional run ins with the OM. Leaving you will not lessen his pain, it will INCREASE IT, because he will be adding the breakup of his marriage and his children's family.

On the other hand, if you MOVE AWAY together, you will be removing the triggers altogether, eliminating the resentment. Once the triggers are removed, you will have a chance at replacing that resentment with a happy, romantic marriage. [if the present is happy, ones mind does not go to the past] His resentment will fade and he will have an intact marriage and family.

Divorcing you will not make him feel better, it will make him feel WORSE.

He feels TRAPPED, but there is a way out. He just doesn't see it. He has tried to stay there and just "get over it." Since he knows he can't "get over it" staying there, he has given up hope.

Right now he is barely speaking to me. Unfortunately he had to go into work today. When he is upset he just shuts down and its very hard to get him to open up. I was just trying to be friendly this morning and show him that I am here for him.

That is the way I feel as well. I will fwd this to him since he us not talking to me right now. When I have brought this up in the past his response has always been that he doesn't think that moving away is going to solve any problems.

How about printing up my posts and giving them to him? Ask him what he thinks and ask if he will come here and speak to me. Can you do that?

That is because he doesn't know HOW to solve the problem. He has tried it his way and it didn't work.

Yes! Just did, we had the same thought!

Did you see this?

fifteen, if there's any chance that he will read any more posts, please ask to have the ones about a revenge affair and spying removed.

Yes, just recently I spoke to both my daughter and her friends mother about not being able to pick her up our take her over to their house. The other mother is fine with this in that she is usually the drive no matter what, she likes the control.