Yes I wish them the best of luck for those 4 babies but I think he should also consider coaching here because this situation is very bad.

Yes, it is. When you've read what Dr. Harley says about such circumstances, it's not difficult at all to know what needs to be done.

What else are we supposed to do except offer advice (based on MB principles) after a few paragraphs? Isn't that the whole point this place?

What matters is an understanding of the dynamics of cohabitation situations. We should give MARRIAGE BUILDERS advice based on THAT dynamic.

ARe you familiar with Dr Harley's work on cohabitation?

Here are some more of Dr. Harley's articles on this.
Living Together Before Marriage #1
Living Together Before Marriage #2

Another one.
Fear of Marriage

I am not familiar with dr. harley's work on cohabitation. But I am all too familiar with cheating. Surely you remember my WW and her many other men? Well, those are just the ones that I know of. I am sure others will disagree with me on this point, but cheating is cheating is cheating. I don't care if it's dating, engaged, married, etc. I will not tolerate cheating in my life. My wife knows cheating is a deal-breaker for me, no questions asked. And I know if I ever physically strike her, I'm done. That's her deal-breaker.

And yes, I spent several hours on the phone with dr. harley as he tried to convince me to work on my marriage, to give the ExWW another chance. I thought long and hard about my life, our family, our situation, what steps i took and could take to "save" our marriage. My marriage to ExWW was just too broken to be repaired. I served her divorce papers.

For some, Plan D is the best option. For me it definitely was the best choice. Was it tough, yes. Did it effect my kids, yes. On the positive side, my daughters have a strong father who will not be a doormat, stands up for himself, role models a great marriage with his wife, continues to work with their Mother (ExWW) to provide the best possible life for them. They have a mother who admitted her mistakes, moved on, continues to be a big part of their lives, and is now engaged to a good man who treats our DD's well. My daughters have a wonderful step mom who treats their dad with care and respect.

You make a great point, Mel, this is MARRIAGE BUILDERS web site. But in my case, the roof was blown off, the walls destroyed, and the foundation of my marriage was irreparable. I chose to end that marriage and move on. I was fortunate to find someone to build a marriage with, and i am happy! Period. End of sentence.

I have not frequented this site much in the past few years. There are a number of reasons for my absence, some of which i'm sure you will not want to hear. The bottom line is this, our confused Canadian has a choice to make -- continue in current relationship, or move on. The choice is his. LG, out.

But .... there is no marriage here. What does all that have to do with this situation?

Dr. Harley deals with cohabitation differently than he does with marriage. That plan was laid out for Canuck so he can make his decision. So what are you so twisted out of joint about, since you admit you don't have a clue what Dr. Harley says about it?

Let me fix this for you:


What business do you have posting to help people if you don't know how Dr. Harley helps people in that particular situation? Misguided advice can be completely dangerous. Why not hold back and get educated, and accept help when people like MelodyLane point out that there are holes in your knowledge? This is not a site for shared ignorance.

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Question for you then...what makes your "advice" "guided"?

Because I am familiar with Dr. Harley's work on cohabitation.

Yes, that is exactly how I feel when I see people offering their own dangerous opinions here at Marriage Builders instead of Marriage Builders' expert advice as given by Dr. Harley. It's dangerous and it can lead to some serious misery for people.

We are not playing with paper dolls, here.

Anybody can get educated with how Dr. Harley handles such situations by sitting in class with him regularly, for free:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4200_radio.html

I cannot fathom why some people who refuse to do so actually want to be allowed to come in and mix their own opinions with Dr. Harley's.

**edit**

And what opinion did I offer? I simply stated that the original poster was cheated on...and the peeps here chastised me for saying it was "adultery," because by dr. harley's definition, only married people can commit adultery.

LG, this is a bit obstinate now.

Nobody here is telling this man that this shouldn't be extremely painful or that there is absolutely no way to help this broken family (4 children = still a family, despite no marriage).

They are trying to help our OP understand that Dr. Harley views cohabitation and marriage differently - and a part of that (a HUGE part of that) is that it brings in additional bad habits/stressors/attitudes ("renters" vs "buyers") into it.

If a couple has been engaged for 9 YEARS, do you not consider that perhaps they are both renters and she was just coasting along until she found a 'better' prospect?? Yes, we both know that this other loser is nothing special but do you see how the renter mentality may contribute to understanding what has happened??

LG, I was 6 months pregnant when I got married. It's kind of embarassing, isn't it? Our cohabitation does not mean our marriage will end in failure. It does mean that we brought in some bad habits/behaviours that will require more work. See the difference?

It's not just Dr. Harley's opinion, it is a legal definition as well (and religious, for those who are, although i am not). If this couple goes to court over child custody, the judge will not consider this adultery.

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