mimi, I am confused. Did you expose the affair to all your exposure targets?

his family already knows (parents, brothers + their wives). he told his mom that he was seeing someone (prepping them for leaving me) back in december. he and i have also discussed it with his brothers. there was no sense in sending them any additional letters because a. they already knew and b. he wasn't having contact with her at this point. if i were to send anything to them now, it would be because he left home and for them to urge him to work on our recovery.

my WH was actually doing a good job of giving up his gambling and pot, seeing an addiction therapist and going to GA meetings. he wrote an awesome NC letter and because of reading his deleted texts. i know that he wasn't having any contact with her because i found out that he was trying to get her boss to get back his office keys that she was refusing to give them up. this is what pushed me to expose her to her family + friends, because she still seems to not 'get it' and know where her boundaries are and i knew it would be a matter of time before she'd be trying to get him back. this is a woman who moved to be closer to my WH's office (i think), who when i got breast implants early last year, then she went and got them (much bigger!). she would show up at events where she knew i was going to be with my daughter, etc.
i do think i need to make it clear to him that i did this to protect us and not to hurt him. to him and all his friends, this is just looking like revenge. and he says i must not love him because her boyfriend is going to come beat him up.

now on to my situation - i've said multiple times in this thread that my affair has been exposed to my AP's bosses, coworkers and gym friends. i told my AP when i left that i told my husband and when i left i told my friends why i was leaving and eventually everyone found out - i wasn't keeping a secret. he did have a girlfriend at the time, someone he had been with for 6 months and i'm not sure who she is (i actually think there's several). this is someone who i knew for a year, went out with 3 times, talked on the phone with him less than 10 times and slept with once. my affair ended last nov and my AP hasn't tried to contact once! he avoids me like the plague. my WH has seen me happily run from that situation. my dedication to my WH and our recovery has been shocking to him. the problem is that he is just kicking back enjoying us 2 women fighting over him and he's not putting in the effort. he just wants to forget about the whole thing and move on and i want to completely rebuild and create an amazing marriage. i feel like i'm dragging him along. ever since d-day he's seen me fight for our marriage and him, seeing that i won't let him go and he's taking me for granted. i need him to see that i will move along without him if he's not 100% dedicated to fixing this.

again, any advice on what i should do re monday??? wait to see if he shows up and starts packing? or go ahead and load his stuff in a uhaul and change the locks? i went ahead with the exposure, i'm completely clueless on what to do next and i'm not finding the guidance that i need.

another thought - if my WH does calm down by monday and decide to stay, i could offer him the choice of writing his own exposure letter to my AP's bosses, girlfriend (if i can confirm who she is), etc.

That does not make any sense that he would leave because you exposed the affair to the OW's boyfriend UNLESS the affair is still active. The only reason he would care about that is if was still having his affair.

Where is the OW this weekend? Can you call the OW BF and find out where she is?

Why is your H gone??

HOW did your husband know of your exposures? Who informed him? Did you get ahold of the OW BF?

Mimi,

now on to my situation - i've said multiple times in this thread that my affair has been exposed to my AP's bosses, coworkers and gym friends.

Yes but is he still working as a trainer, this OM is a like a priest, camp counselor or medical professional, in that they are persons in a position of trust who should be should not be getting personal with clients. He needs to be shut down and yes you should track down his children.e

Since you WH/BH is a lawyer he should sue the gym and OM out of existence.

God Bless
Gamma

Do you mind???

That does not make any sense that he would leave because you exposed the affair to the OW's boyfriend UNLESS the affair is still active. The only reason he would care about that is if was still having his affair.

that's why i'm wondering if i should wait to see monday if he really is leaving. he said twice yesterday by text that he is - but i expected that reaction because he was so mad. maybe it just makes me look like a crazy [censored] out for revenge and he thinks he should leave because i'm nuts. his friends are all having the same reaction (i've listened to their vm's). i'm partially thinking that he'll change his mind by the time he comes home monday or that he's just bluffing to begin with to try to freak me out. won't know until he comes home. my issue is that i don't want him to come back and still not put in the effort, i kinda feel like plan b will wake him up to fight for me. right now he thinks i can't live without him and that he has the upper hand.

Where is the OW this weekend? Can you call the OW BF and find out where she is?
no idea, wish i could find out. she changed her fb picture to one of her and her bf. nobody on her side responded to exp letters, except her paralegal who sent a nasty response. i don't feel like i can contact him now and it would just get back to my WH that i was checking up. he's in vegas with her boss and another mutual friend. if my WH isn't communicating with her, then they are because he sent me a text last night saying that "everyone now knows, mission accomplished. you can stop now"

my husband being gone - we were supposed to leave town, we were packed. he met up with his friend (her boss) when all this was happening, who was also getting ready to drive to vegas and i'm assuming that his friend encouraged him to go to blow off steam and stay away from me. the friend sent me a text that he's trying to 'fix this'.

I would contact her BF today and ask where the OW is. The only possible reason your H would be angry about exposing this affair is if the affair was still active.

Do you understand this? A truly remorseful would not care.

Telling the OW's BF would be a priority for a truly remorseful person. But your husband is so angry he has left you??

There is something very wrong here and I don't think you understand what is really going on.


Another confusing comment. Why would it be a problem for you to check up on your husband?? What is WRONG with contacting the OWBF unless the affair is still active and he has something to hide?

You see, it makes no sense for your husband to be angry about exposing his affair to the OWBF UNLESS the affair is still active.

You don't GET that his reaction to this exposure is a huge RED FLAG, do you?

i do get it, but at the same time, even if he had ceased contact, i still would expect him to be mad. he claims that he led her on to think he was leaving me for her and when that didn't work out, he didn't want to ruin her current relationship. just like when i first left the gym where my AP worked, i didn't want my WH to confront him. i felt bad bringing my issues into his life. now that i'm more removed from that, i have no issue with my husband going over there.
my husbands friends were convinced that he had ended it with her and they are all equally outraged at what i've done - and my husband was in court when it all went down and it was his friend who found out first and called me all in a huff, he found out before my WH did.


i will message the boyfriend now. i'm not expecting any response tho.

No, you don't get it AT ALL. The reason he did not want the boyfriend to know is because that door was STILL OPEN. He wanted to leave the door open.

A person who is truly repentant would WANT his victim to know what he did. Your husband wanted to continue to TRICK the boyfriend for his own selfish purposes.


So he had an affair with her because he didn't want to ruin her relationship??

Did you burst out laughing when he said that?


This is because he has surrounded himself with other cheaters. They all understand the value of lying and covering up an affair.


You need to take a more serious approach than that! Do you have their address? If so, drive to their house and knock on the door.

Can you get his phone number and call him?

Let's focus on contacting OWBF and then we will worry about the next step Plan B or not.

How was the OW's BF supposed to protect himself from your husband and his creepy GF if no one told him about the affair? How was that "protecting him" to aide and abet the hiding of the affair?

Let me ask you something. If my bookkeeper was embezzling my money would you and your friends choose not to tell me because you "didn't want to ruin my current relationship?"

Would that pass the laugh test?

Would you believe my bookkeeper if she said she didn't want me to know because it would hurt me? Wouldn't you rightly perceive that she doesn't want me to know because she was protecting HERSELF and her STEALING GIG? If I know, then she can't very well steal my money any more.

Surely you can see how insane it is to pretend like tricking the BF was in his best interest. Your H is the last person in the world who is qualified to determine what is in the OWBF's best interest because your husband is THE FOX IN THE HENHOUSE.

That is crazyville, Mimi, and I assert that you are in a very dysfunctional world where up is down and down is up. Your H is a very wayward man who surrounds himself with wayward people.

yes, i do believe the door was being left open

that's my only way of contacting him. no idea on their address. i'm going to wait until tomorrow afternoon to decide whether to pack him up or not. hopefully, i'll know what to do by then.

Do you know the OW's home address?

Do you know his phone number?

Also if you aren't one of his Facebook friends his message will go to his other box. Pay the $1 so you can get the message to his inbox or most likely he won't see it. The Best Plan is to talk to him in person.

they live together - i have no address, no phone number

i sent him a message thru fb and they've changed the system now so that you no longer have the option of paying the $1 - it automatically just goes to their 'other' box. that should work tho since that's how i messaged him yesterday. i don't think he's open to talking to me now, seems like he's in the 'shoot the messenger' phase.

Mimi,

I am going to focus on the question that you keep asking. I think Mel and Brain have been very clear on what you need to to do as far as the Boyfriend goes. Just a thought, your H should in no way be wanting to protect the OW for any reason.

The question you keep asking is if you should pack up for your H or let him pack up himself. You are also asking if you should go into a plan B.

My thoughts are that you should NOT pack up for him but let him pack up himself. See if he is true to his word. I also think that there is NO WAY your marriage will be saved if you don't kill this affair and know for sure that it is dead.

You have taken the first steps by exposing but you and your H have to continue TOGETHER in order to salvage your marriage. Your H needs to show you Just Compensation and be willing to be completely transparent to you from the moment he returns home.

If he is truly sorry and wants to save your marriage he will be willing to do this. He should also understand why you exposed and stop trying to protect her.

In my personal opinion, if he is not willing to do everything listed above, then you definitely should plan B him and not take him back until he is willing to follow MB to a tee!

thank you fifteenyears that helps. total long shot, but i have a brother that lives in vegas, trying to see if he'll stop by the hotel to see if he can find anything.

so maybe have a list of EP's prepared for monday?

The Aftermath
When things die down somewhat, it is important that you present a PLAN to your WS for recovery. The next step is to lead your marriage out of the ditch.

First step is to DEMAND your spouse end.



Ask him/her to send a no contact letter to the OP that is written together, approved by you and mailed together. [template below from SAA]

Set her down and explain to her that you want to have a romantic, loving, SAFE marriage and that you won�t stay in a loveless marriage. Tell her you are willing to give her an opportunity to earn your forgiveness. In order for the marriage to recover, certain things have to happen. This is what it will take to keep you interested:

1. end all contact with the OM for life

2. no more nights apart or going out without each other - create a healthy, integrated lifestyle

3. complete transparency - cell phone passwords, etc

4. no more opposite sex friendships

5. complete honesty about her affair<s> � passing a polygraph

6. commit to the Marriage Builders program for recovery as outlined in the book Surviving an Affair.

Tell her "this is what it will take to keep me in this marriage." Whether your marriage ends up with success or failure will depend almost entirely on her willingness and ability to make radical changes. Her lifestyle must become absolutely transparent, holding nothing back. She is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent another affair and help you feel safe. She must also meet your emotional needs in a way that until now she has failed. Unless she makes a 180 degree turn in her approach to what it means to be a wife, your marriage won't recover, it will be a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage.

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by taking this approach, because if she won't do these things, you will have lost nothing except a loveless, abusive marriage.

Unless you use this program to create a much better marriage than the one you had before the affair, you are likely looking at repeat affairs. So don't even think you can get away with sweeping the affair under the rug and going back to what you had before. What you had before led to the affair!