I'm debating having my fww take a polygraph. I have read that it is best to keep it to 2 or 3 questiions, is that correct? Also about how much does the test cost to complete?

KL,

One approach, mentioned on MB, is to make up a list of every conceivable sexual, emotional and financial question related to the affair and possible past affairs or dishonesty.

The tester then asks did you answer all of the questions truthfully, along with a few control questions.

God Bless
Gamma

Sticking to one thread is helpful, Klove;

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2717324&page=6

This allows us to review what has and hasn't been done in your recovery.

For instance; did you ever expose the affair? Track down the OM? Expose to his family? Send an NC letter? Did your wife provide you with written EP's? Are you getting 20+ hours of UA time in EVERY WEEK? Are you eliminating your Love Busters? What are your wife's top 3 EN's? What are yours? What are you doing to help your wife to meet them?


You are "only" 4 months out, but I have to question if there are other things contributing to your sudden need for a poly - like, maybe you are falling out of love with your wife.


It's often better to buckle down on ENs/LBs and UA time than to bring up the affair again.

Everything is going well. Exposure was done. We are getting along well and fww is following EP's very well. We are getting UA every chance we get, But she lied so much in the beginning I am not confidant that I know everything. I have been debating a poly to settle my mind.

Are you getting 20+ hours a week?


What is being done in regards to EPs involving Radical Honesty?

Do you have all of her passwords - keyloggers on devices if appropriate? Does she check in with you through the day?

My FWW no longer takes lunches at work, she comes home. She calls or texts frequently through the day. I drop in randomly when I can.

Trust is going to be established through verification behavior.


Though, you could always.... write the radio show!

Though, I am speculating Dr. Harley's advice won't be much different at this point.

KL,

If you are a person with a long memory and this will be eating at you 5, 10 or 20 years from now then do it NOW! It's not just that you don't know but that she and OM share intimacies that you are excluded from.

At this point my W feels entitled to keep the details of her and OM2 secret 20+ years ago. W may truly have forgotten some or claim to. I think I have a fix now on OM2 and will be speaking with him in July.

God Bless
Gamma

Have you seen this?
Polygraph Testing

Any other tragedies in your life you would like to revisit?

Any family members that died horribly that you wanna talk about right now?

Childhood traumas?


Did someone kick your puppy one time?



I was molested as a child, maybe I should track down my molestor and ask them about their motivations, as I'm sure it will do loads of good for my present life.


What do you think?

Thanks Brainhurts, I think I had seen that a few months ago and forgotten about it.

HoldHerHand,
yes we are doing all of that and I am confidant of her current behavior. My concern is that she had a different affair and is afraid that if I find out I will divorce.

HHH,

Any other tragedies in your life you would like to revisit?

Not really, most of those have been resolved, which is where OM2 differs. W also will only admit to trickles, but did admit to never feeling the same afterward.

I don't know if finding out will help my W lose her guilt and love me again, but it is the only remedy at my disposal.

I was molested as a child, maybe I should track down my molestor ...

No you should beat whoever it is down, by this time you likely have the upper hand. There is a concept of just compensation.

God Bless
Gamma

Man, I really like HHH's responses here.

First off, we can't tell enough about your situation to advise you, since you put this on a whole new thread.

Second of all, you didn't even tell us what you are wanting to know the truth about. How can we possibly tell you if it is worth it when you didn't tell us what you want to ask? There are a million and one questions that betrayed spouses want to ask later that are worth it, and only a handful that are worth it. Most of them are irrelevant and only harmful dwelling on the past - what you need in those cases is not a polygraph, but a commitment to not dwell on the past and to make the present satisfactory!

Write Dr. Harley an email at his radio show and tell him specifically what you are wanting to know from your wife and ask him if he would recommend a polygraph, or something else. This is serious enough you do not want to pick and choose whichever advice you like here and wind up screwing up something badly.

Why are you answering for the original poster? Or are you cluttering up his thread with your situation? It's hard enough to keep it straight without you making it about you.


Where in the world would the idea of "Finding out might help my W lose her guilt and love me again" come from???? That is NOT how Marriage Builders says romantic love is built.

Please stop pushing your own opinions here and join the club of learning what Dr. Harley actually advises.

Here are two reasons I suggest you forget re-traumatizing your wayward wife and instead just recover your marriage.

What is it you're wanting to know?
Are you just dwelling on the past?
Did she give you all the details of the affair so that proper EPs could be put into place?
Is she giving you reason to doubt her other than she lied a lot at first? (ALL waywards lie, btw).

From what little you've told us, I don't think you should. This has the potential of being very damaging to your recovery. Is the affair still being brought up this late in the game?

Write Dr. Harley before bringing this up with her. It's risky this late into recovery, and you need his professional advice.

Gamma is answering for himself.


You may notice his previous post where he is now, 20 years after the fact, going to hunt down and talk with an OM about his FWW's affair all that time ago.

Gamma has never stopped bringing up the affair in his own mind and chooses to not only dwell on it, but wants to radically drag it into the present.


I was being an [censored]. I'm not apologetic for it.


There is a certain Adam Sandler movie where someone brings up something painful to him and his response is "My parents died when I was 10, you wanna talk about that, too?"

It's a commentary on dwelling on past pains.


Back on subject -


I stand by my original assessment; you are better off to focus on other things at this point. It's doubtful that any more possible details are actually going to do any better for your recovery than FOLLOWING THE PLAN, Klove.

I understand, and we are following plan. But honesty is a big EN for me. I was toying with the idea, but seeing the cost I don't think it is worth it.

The cost is resetting your LB$ and your recovery back to D-Day.

The benefit? Questionable.

If you allow yourself to dwell, question after question after question may just continue to come up indefinitely.


I understand. I also know that it will just keep you stuck in that frame of mind. Case in point above.

KLL,

I like that you started a new thread to ask such a valuable question. It allows those not following your main thread to give input.

As far as a polygraph, I'd recommend it highly.

It is best to discuss the format of questions with the person you are going to have give the poly. They will give you goofd input and direction at that time.

Just the idea of pursuing a poly is going to help you put some of the demons, in your mind, to rest....

The cost varies from city to city.... approx $500 is a reasonable budget though.

The recoveries I've seen where a polygraph is asked for and completed, thrive.

As a FWS, there is nothing I wouldn't do to help my spouse in recovery..... That's part of recovery!