Thanks Markos, I've copied the link and will have a listen on my own today at lunch, than tonight when we are both home, talk with H, about having a listen.

Have the two of you mailed the NC letter?

Yes!!! It went out today. I'm glad it's gone!

Great! Now you two can concentrate on rebuilding your marriage!

Good job - I knew you could do it!

Good job.

Letter went out today via certified mail.
Now, to began work on my EP's for BS.

Good job.

Did you see the EP thread I posted to you?

Post them here for feedback.

I did Brain - Ty.
Here are the ones I have so far.
1. I must be totally honest with you about everything
2. I must answer every question you have fully and truthfully
3. I must do everything in my power to prove you are who I want to be with
4. I must prove myself to you
5. I must feel your pain
6. I need to completely understand the devastation I have cause you
7. I must accept total responsibility for my actions
8. I must stop all contact with OM & not try to protect him
9. I must reassure you it's ok to ask any and all questions
10. I must recognize when your struggling or experiencing a trigger and comfort you
11. I must re-enforce to you, that you are NOT responsible
12. I must work on rebuilding the trust I have taken. No secrets, no privacy.

This list concerns me.
It is mainly a list of promises of how you will feel.
Extraordinary Precautions is not repentance. Extraordinary Precautions are boundaries to prevent another affair.
Extraordinary precautions are behavior based, not feeling based.

1. I mustwill be totally honest with you about everything
2. I must answer every question you have fully and truthfullywill sit down with you once to answer every question you have about my affair. I will answer fully and truthfully.
3. I must do everything in my power to prove you are who I want to be withI will enter into a program of recovery with you - Marriage Builders. I will create a romantic relationship with that is far better than what we had before my affair.
4. I must prove myself to you
5. I must feel your pain
6. I need to completely understand the devastation I have cause you
7. I must accept total responsibility for my actions
8. I must stop all contact with OM & not try to protect him. I will have No Contact with him for life
9. I must reassure you it's ok to ask any and all questions
10. I must recognize when your struggling or experiencing a trigger and comfort you
11. I must re-enforce to you, that you are NOT responsible
12. I must work on rebuilding the trust I have taken. No secrets, no privacy. will commit to total transparency.
13. I will commit to never spending the night apart again.
14. I will no longer have male friends
15. I will never join another social networking site.
16. I will provide my spouse a daily schedule of all appointments and contact information.
17. Anytime I have the thought, �I don�t want my spouse to know about��.�, I will call my spouse immediately and tell them my thoughts.

Dr. Harley recommends that a couple do this ONCE. Get all the info out about the affair in one seating. Then never, ever bring up the affair again. He can't talk about it anymore, and you can't either.

Prisca, I see the difference between what I wrote and how you fixed it. I guess I didn't quite "get it", I've copied the "new list" and will go over it with BS to get his thoughts . Thanks.

Talking with BS now, he wonders what happens if he had another question regarding the A, in a month - he doesn't always have questions at one time??

That will greatly depend on what questions he wants to ask. Dr. Harley says to get out the information about how the affair happened, what methods were used for contact during the affair, where did the affairees meet, who was involved, etc. All of this is information that is used to prevent a future affair. Example: if affairees contacted on Facebook, eliminate Facebook.

Sometimes down the road a betrayed spouse gets mired into wanting to bring the affair up again, and this is almost always a bad idea. They typically want to know something like "Were you really in love?" or whatever. The answer is yes, the answer is unpleasant, and the discussion is not helpful for recovery, according to Dr. Harley.

If there's really a piece of information he wants to know down the road, I would strongly advise him to contact Dr. Harley directly and ask his advice and follow it as to whether it is a good idea or not. This is too important to mess up.

Ah yes, one of the problems I have with the program. As a BS, it is hard not to ask questions about something that is on your mind on a daily basis.

I would tell RNR that he needs to ask himself if the answer to the question is important to bring up or if its just to satisfy a curiosity. If its not, then stifle it. If it is important, then he needs to bring it up. However, it should not be done in a disrespectful way.

However, it is very important for you, Mrs. Cen, to tell him everything now so that there are not gaping holes in the puzzle that he will be turning over in his head for years to come. Be honest with everything he asks, ok?

The problem with this is that every question he comes up with will seem important to him.

And if he brings it up, it is very likely to set their recovery back to square one.

The rule is to talk about it all in one seating. And then to never talk about it again.

If he comes up with something he'd like to ask later, he'd be better to write Dr. Harley and ask him about it first. Or perhaps post it here on his own thread. But bringing it up with her just because he feels it's important is a recipe for disaster.

Mrs.Cen. We have a couple on this board where the wife was told to tell her husband every time she remembered something about the affair. And every time a little detail came to her mind, she would tell him. It kept both of them dwelling on the affair for 3 years. They should be very far along into recovery by now, but they are just now beginning to look at it.

You will not be able to recover if the affair keeps being brought up.

You make a very good point Prisca. It really is up to the BS, though, what is important and what is not. If RNR questions if its important, he should feel free to post on his thread and we can help him.

I have given my all - he's now called our local police department to have me "removed" from "our" apartment.
Until he has acknowledged and received help for his anger, I feel I'm not going to be "ok" here - the rollar coaster of his threats is taking is tole.

His anger is his to deal with. He claims you are still lying. Obviously you both can't be right. Either you are lying or he is mistaken. If you are telling the truth, and he is mistaken about something that triggers him it doesn't change the fact that it triggers him. If he sees a jacket that brings all of the emotion back, even if you haven't worn it in a year, is the jacket more important than his feelings?

His anger is a major issue here, but it seems that neither of you are handling your conversations well.

I am not going to assume you are lying, but if you are you should understand that lying about the affair does almost as much damage as the affair. I remember reading on the forum that more couples get divorced over the lies than the affair itself. If you are lying then I recommend that you stop, appologize, and tell him the truth. It hurts to do so, but it doesn't hurt nearly as bad as the affair or continued lies.

If you are telling the truth then you need to convince him. Take a polygraph. lie about nothing. If you tell the truth about everything and he catches you in the tiniest lie about what you had for breakfaast then all trust will be lost again.

You are right, you are not safe with an angry husband. And he shouldn't be making threats. And you should very likely not remain in the home with him if he cannot end his anger. End. Not control. End.



You both have the right to feel safe in the marriage.